Pet condoms, because it just makes sense.

September 29, 2013 2:35 PM

The next best thing to neuticles Now available at popular dog parks Bring Quarters
posted by boilermonster (46 comments total)

I'm having one of the dizzy spells where I can't tell if I'm trapped inside an Achewood plotline or not.
posted by The Whelk at 2:39 PM on September 29, 2013 [16 favorites]

why

why would you ever
posted by elizardbits at 2:40 PM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

because you're a RESPONSIBLE pet owner!
posted by small_ruminant at 2:41 PM on September 29, 2013

oy.. the spin that put my brain through.. including the shivery shoulders.
posted by drewbage1847 at 2:43 PM on September 29, 2013

Wait.

Are neuticles real?

Please no.

Oh, god. >.<
posted by Steely-eyed Missile Man at 2:43 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

it's a viral for the spca
posted by Foci for Analysis at 2:43 PM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

Neuticles allows pets to retain their natural look, self esteem and aids the pet's owner with the trauma associated with altering.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Are neuticles real?

Very. I hear the large sizes are frequently unavailable due to shortages.

Also Truck Nutz exist.

We seem to a very testicle-fixated culture.
posted by The Whelk at 2:45 PM on September 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

I like the angry cat in the upper left hand corner of the screen. That cat has the right idea.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:48 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

The cat and dog in the lower right corner just look concerned. The dog is like, "You've bought us condoms. You've come home with condoms for your pets. Are you okay?" and the cat goes on, "You know you own one cat and one dog, right? What are you planning or imagining is gonna happen here dude, I worry about this."
posted by emmtee at 2:53 PM on September 29, 2013 [19 favorites]

The dog is like YOU BETTER NOT BE THINKING ABOUT TOUCHING MY WEINER and the cat is like OMG YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT TOUCHING HIS WEINER.
posted by elizardbits at 3:01 PM on September 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

We seem to a very testicle-fixated culture.

We do keep our eyes on the ball.
posted by zippy at 3:01 PM on September 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

Now available at popular dog parks

DOG CONDOMS ARE NOT ALLOWED IN THE DOG PARK
posted by emmtee at 3:03 PM on September 29, 2013 [7 favorites]

WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT MENTIONING THE DOG PARK
posted by The Whelk at 3:04 PM on September 29, 2013 [6 favorites]

it's a viral for the spca

It's an awesome viral for the SPCA. Is that Dolores Park in the second link of the post? Because that's note-perfect.
posted by gurple at 3:05 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

For dogging dogs.
posted by blueberry at 3:10 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I am at a furry convention right now and am going to tweet this using the convention hashtag. I bet it goes viral here, too.
posted by hippybear at 3:11 PM on September 29, 2013 [11 favorites]

I have such a prejudice against "pet people" that I glanced at this and thought.. yeah that's probably a thing now.
posted by French Fry at 3:17 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

no barebarking jokes, pls
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 3:20 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

*snerk* Back when Neuticles first came on the market, I was a regular participant in this twice-yearly trivia contest run by the alums of Williams College in Massachusetts. It was a dial-in format for the most part - the hosts would ask a question and then play a song, and teams dialed in, and you could keep talking to the person who answered for the whole duration of the song asking for hints just so long as you gave them the correct answer by the last ote of the song.

So there I am sitting in a room with 20 other guys on my team, and the hosts broadcast their next question - "they come in pairs, they're made of soft polyurethane, and they range from a half an inch to two inches in diameter. What new medical product are they?" I had coincidentally just read about Neuticles in some magazine's "news of the weird" column the night before, and so I launched myself past my puzzled teammates at the phone and dialed, and as soon as the other person answered - not five notes into the song - I triumphantly shouted, "Neuticles!"

there was a tiny pause, and the other person said, "wow. Yes. Gimme your team name, you got the point." we hung up, and I turned around to see the entire rest of my team staring at me in bafflement, and I spent the rest of the song explaining to them what the hell they were and how the hell I'd known that.

....About 4 in the morning, another slam-dunk question someone else on the team answered about barnacles prompted our team leader to call in a second time and score with a joke team name - "Neuticles for Barnacles."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:29 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Cat penis' have barbs on them. That would have to be one fuckin' bullet proof condom.
posted by ZaneJ. at 3:29 PM on September 29, 2013 [7 favorites]

How is this not a hoax?

....Poke around on the site a bit.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 3:29 PM on September 29, 2013 [8 favorites]

Are neuticles real?

Please no.

FWIW, there are humans who get their testicles removed for whatever reason, e.g. cancer. If the prosthetic industry can make an extra buck on the side from weirdos who want their dogs's scrotums to look authentically bouncy, more power to them.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:52 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Spoiler: there are no pet condoms. Click through.
posted by ctmf at 3:56 PM on September 29, 2013

Cute. But does neutering/spaying prevent pet STDs? I didn't think so.
posted by HFSH at 3:59 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I spent a minute there wondering why I would want to pet a condom.
posted by corvine at 4:04 PM on September 29, 2013 [3 favorites]

I wish we could get a counter for people piling in to scream FAKE! FAKE!
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 4:15 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

All you need are balls.
posted by Nomyte at 4:21 PM on September 29, 2013

This thread is like a master class on why you read the article AND the comments first.
posted by winna at 4:27 PM on September 29, 2013 [12 favorites]

I had to close the website because I was afraid someone would see me looking at a pet condoms website


I live alone
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 4:43 PM on September 29, 2013 [24 favorites]

I have such a prejudice against "pet people" idiots that won't neuter their ill-mannered animal that I glanced at this and thought.. yeah that's probably a thing now.

The SPCA can't stress that message hard enough.

Some folks I know have the BIGGEST, most ill-behaved, untrained chocolate lab I have ever had the misfortune to meet. Chocolate, with nuts, of course. Because the Mr. has some sort of Freudisan problem as well as thinking balls make a dog hunt better. I've never seen so much bird hunting paraphernalia in one house in all my life, and the bloody dog can't even sit, let alone retrieve. The Mrs. just lovey-woveys her pupppykins too much. (and besides, look how big he is, he must be breedable! Make money!) Never mind he's too big for breed standard.

Everytime I see him, I wonder when they'll be getting rid of him, because he's so awful to be around, and he hurts people. (Certainly not mean, just accidently knocking them over, scratching them when he jumps up, etc) It's over a year now, and not getting better. Wack his nuts and send him to the trainer.

For the dog's sake.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:51 PM on September 29, 2013 [5 favorites]

This thread is like a master class on why you read the article AND the comments first.

Reduce the Fidos Already!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:18 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I spent so much time years ago passing test strips through my diabetic dog's urine stream that I didn't even blink at the thought of these being real.
posted by kimberussell at 5:33 PM on September 29, 2013

> If the prosthetic industry can make an extra buck on the side from weirdos who want their dogs's scrotums to look authentically bouncy, more power to them.

I'm a tabletop gaming nerd, so I figure I should get some big ol' d20s up in there.

Better that than d4s, amirite?
posted by sourcequench at 5:53 PM on September 29, 2013

winna: "This thread is like a master class on why you read the article AND the comments first."

"how would you like a cognative dissonance migrane so bad you'll have to lie down in the basement? There's only one way to find out."
posted by boo_radley at 6:02 PM on September 29, 2013 [2 favorites]

Leery of the self-post, but I can't resist... "If my dog impregnates your dog, do I have to pay puppy support?"
posted by Peteopedia at 6:03 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

And I don't know how to get a link to work. As you were.
posted by Peteopedia at 6:10 PM on September 29, 2013

This was sick, because they had me for a minute. I thought... 'Cats have spikey tools, how would this work... Also how would a human even catch the cat to put it on the cat... This I gotta see..'
Only to be faked out by the SPCA.

(Not that I had a bunch of un-fixed cats running around. I had my cats fixed except for a Birman I had.
She was confined to the house.)

I actually am very big on spaying and neutering cats and dogs.

This is a pretty funny ad for SPCA's services and I had to laugh.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 6:34 PM on September 29, 2013

At first I thought this was a thing like pet rocks.
posted by the_blizz at 7:10 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

This post gave me chills. I have several cats and dogs all of which are fixed except for my shepherd. He is being bred, not for show dogs, but for working dogs. He's the first unfixed dog I've ever had so I've had to learn to deal with him differently. I would never take him to a dog park for instance. He is a good dog and is well behaved but man he has a lot of energy.

Okay the chills part. Lets just say that unlike other fixed dogs that I've had his little friend makes a fairly regular appearance. Sometimes it's hard not to laugh at the poor guy as he hobbles around. His little friend is pretty durn big and the thought of people actually trying to put condoms on that thing(fake or not) is just OMG NO, SO WRONG JUST NO. I imagine him just giving me this puzzled puppy dog look (he's the biggest baby, suck up dog) and hobbling around.

I need to have these imaginings out of my head.
posted by Jalliah at 8:27 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm (unfortunately) picturing the infomercial, wherein the hellish, black-and-white 'despair vision', some poor sap is still using plastic cones on his pets' genitalia, throwing up their hands in frustration and proclaiming "There MUST be a better way!"
posted by chambers at 8:42 PM on September 29, 2013 [4 favorites]

"I do not like the Cone of Shame." "THERE'S GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY."
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:26 PM on September 29, 2013 [1 favorite]

Come at me with that banana
posted by flabdablet at 11:53 PM on September 29, 2013

The Pet Condom: Where the rubber meets the Rhodesian Ridgeback.
posted by argonauta at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2013 [3 favorites]

As for neuticles being replaced by dice, Motion activated Blinkie Dice might work as a safety option for your pet.
posted by boilermonster at 2:46 PM on September 30, 2013

'Are neuticles real?'

Very. I hear the large sizes are frequently unavailable due to shortages.

Also Truck Nutz exist.


DO NOT MISTAKE THE TWO. DO NOT. IT'S BAD.


Just sayin
posted by Smedleyman at 5:22 PM on September 30, 2013