You Are a Bear

July 31, 2014 7:03 PM

You are a bear. You wake up in a dimly lit cave.

Your eyes are adjusted to the low light, so you are able to see the textures of your surroundings. You are about to begin a new day as a bear. There will be many obstacles, mental and physical, for you to overcome. You might find something important. You might meet someone important. You might get hurt. You might eat something. It is up to you. As a bear.

(If you get stuck, perhaps you could ask A Bear for some Bear Advice.)

posted by drlith (49 comments total)

But why won't it let me dance. THAT IS MY CHOICE AS A BEAR.
posted by elizardbits at 7:05 PM on July 31, 2014 [13 favorites]

Fuckin squirrels, man
posted by leotrotsky at 7:10 PM on July 31, 2014 [5 favorites]

Let's play Enviro-Bear 2000
posted by chrchr at 7:14 PM on July 31, 2014 [11 favorites]

I won because I did nothing and saw nobody. I am a bear.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 7:20 PM on July 31, 2014

I am going to find a maiden fair.
posted by shothotbot at 7:21 PM on July 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

Okay - I am going to avoid the most obvious gay jokes here - but let me tell about the dimly lit places I've woken up with other bears...
posted by helmutdog at 7:21 PM on July 31, 2014 [12 favorites]

It says I'm a bear, but there aren't any Canadiennes trying to have the sex with me? Disbelief... not suspended.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:21 PM on July 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

Unpacks alto sax from its case, adjusts the reed, begins practicing some scales.
As The Bear.
 
posted by Herodios at 7:22 PM on July 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

I have gone through like 4 different paths and each one was delightful! Thanks for posting.
posted by leesh at 7:26 PM on July 31, 2014

It can die? Nooooo
posted by peripathetic at 7:30 PM on July 31, 2014

So far I have managed to die twice. Apparently I am not good at making choices as a bear.
posted by tavella at 7:30 PM on July 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I am a beer. Wait...
posted by Drinky Die at 7:32 PM on July 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

But even the dying parts are kind of delightful. Also I just accidentally convinced a deer to commit suicide, oops!
posted by leesh at 7:32 PM on July 31, 2014

That poor, sweet, beneficent foxfriend! What a heartbreaking scenario, discovering the remnants of Watership Down and then (*SPOILER*LOLOMGBBQLAZERZ) being forced to perform a summary amputation with my big yeller mandibles.

On a side note- seriously, who could ever hurt a fox? They are so fahhkin' adorable.
posted by Alonzo T. Calm at 7:36 PM on July 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

Wow, that Envirobear 2000 game is the best thing ever.
posted by rikschell at 7:47 PM on July 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

I opened the mailbox and looked at the leaflet but I can't read, because I am a bear.
posted by googly at 7:58 PM on July 31, 2014 [4 favorites]

This is what I've been waiting all my life for.
posted by ursus_comiter at 8:06 PM on July 31, 2014 [5 favorites]

I've died on all three of my attempts. I'm starting to think I'm not a very good bear.
posted by Ik ben afgesneden at 8:12 PM on July 31, 2014

I became a glorious sun-bear.

Awwww yiisssss
posted by BitterOldPunk at 8:17 PM on July 31, 2014 [5 favorites]

The twitter feed is perhaps even more delightful.
posted by shakespeherian at 8:40 PM on July 31, 2014

That was delightful, thanks! Just like with the old choose your own adventure books, I felt compelled to read through every possible path...
posted by aka burlap at 9:04 PM on July 31, 2014

a poem written by a bear, by MeFi's own Tao Lin.
posted by betweenthebars at 9:07 PM on July 31, 2014

I've died on all three of my attempts. I'm starting to think I'm not a very good bear.

Fun fact in recorded history most bears have died in their attempts.
posted by save alive nothing that breatheth at 9:25 PM on July 31, 2014 [6 favorites]

This was a lot of fun, lots of unexpected outcomes. Even got along with Rob once, and I did not like that guy at all. Sun bear was hilarious, as was pretending not to be a bear.
posted by hypersloth at 9:35 PM on July 31, 2014

I too became a glorious sunbear, at one with the sun!
posted by Alice Russel-Wallace at 9:39 PM on July 31, 2014

Aw. Had a nice day in the sun with my squirrel friend (stop biting my ear, yo) and chatting with the hawks (who ignored me). Yeah.

Nice! Thank you!
posted by Lexica at 9:54 PM on July 31, 2014

I don't believe that even a lot of hawks could kill me, for I am a magnificent bear
posted by emjaybee at 10:12 PM on July 31, 2014

WHen it got to the bit with the fox I eyed my puppy thoughtfully and decided to bite her on the leg. She was displeased with my decision.
posted by elizardbits at 10:25 PM on July 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Apparently hibernation attempts are constantly thwarted by dreams of ten pirate badgers, all named Thomas. Who knew bears had such a complicated subconscious?
posted by Spatch at 10:58 PM on July 31, 2014

You choose to...

...go over the mountain.

You can see: the other side of the mountain.
posted by Segundus at 11:12 PM on July 31, 2014 [3 favorites]

I have become King of the Raccoons! I have won the best way! Even better than being a sunbear!
posted by tavella at 11:50 PM on July 31, 2014

I just keep on dying in embarrasing ways. Being a bear is hard!
posted by Cannon Fodder at 12:04 AM on August 1, 2014

"You receive the night vision goggles in the mail, but are unable to hold them to your eyes".
I should never have listened to the squirrel.
posted by boilermonster at 12:19 AM on August 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

I have not played this yet, but I will now forward it to all my furry friends.

Especially the bears.
posted by hippybear at 1:14 AM on August 1, 2014

Once you decide to go for the beehive, you are committed. And doomed. You might as well go all the way, and at least get to taste that sweet sweet honey before the bees end you. Totally worth it.

Apparently I am Pooh Bear.
posted by panglos at 2:55 AM on August 1, 2014

I AM THE SUN-BEAR! I AM THE SUN-BEAR!

CUT TO: Roman plaza at the height of the Empire. Thousands of acolytes raising their fists and drinking wine mixed with hallucinogenic herbs.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 7:18 AM on August 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

What? Only these miserable legs? I've the right to bear arms.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:47 AM on August 1, 2014

RAAAAAHHHHRRRRR

/hibernate
posted by petebest at 9:14 AM on August 1, 2014

elizardbits: But why won't it let me dance. THAT IS MY CHOICE AS A BEAR.

That's because bears don't dig on dancing.
posted by CancerMan at 10:00 AM on August 1, 2014

I have flown with the owls, too! Truly I am a bear of depth and style.
posted by tavella at 10:32 AM on August 1, 2014

Apparently I am Pooh Bear.

You're just a little black rain cloud, hovering over the honey tree.

"Tut tut, it looks like rain..."
posted by hippybear at 1:00 PM on August 1, 2014

Rocks are not edible.

Reptile ghosts are mean. And floaty.
posted by RainyJay at 2:03 PM on August 1, 2014

Wow. I mean, this was cool and all, but man, I wouldn't have thought that bears were so damn fragile. I got killed by ants.
posted by JHarris at 5:21 PM on August 1, 2014 [1 favorite]

After several deaths, I led a pleasant leisurely bearly life by lounging around a lot, not paying much attention to or getting pissed off at my buddy the squirrel, lounging around a lot more, and chatting up some hawks.

Then, coincidentally, I saw this great video wherein a bear leisurely saves a crow from drowning. It gave me the same pleasant leisurely bearly vibe as my pleasant leisurely bearly run-through. "Hey Crow, looks like you're drowning. Huh. Ooh, look, a piece of meat, I better sniff it. Hey, lemme see if I can get you out... nope. Hmm, what's this, some kinda fruit? Better eat it. Mmmm. Hey, my paws could use some cleaning, I better do that. Oh, hey Crow, looks like you're still drowning. Lemme try to get you out again. There you go. Hey, a tomato - better eat it."
posted by Flunkie at 7:59 PM on August 1, 2014

I don't know how any of you managed to do anything other than die. Every path I've taken has involved dying. Except one which let me survive for a day as a bear and then put me back to the beginning.

I had no idea bears were so easy to kill. All this time, when I've encountered one in the wild, I've made moves to get away or scare it off. Apparently if I had just looked at it wrong, it would have keeled over and died.
posted by hippybear at 9:49 AM on August 2, 2014 [1 favorite]

Somewhat Related: The Bear that Wasn't
posted by JoeXIII007 at 10:12 AM on August 2, 2014

Also is there a list of all possible outcomes anywhere? I got Raccoon King, Fox Frand, Lizard Ghost Redemption, plus various deaths by: bees; ants; falling; furious hawks; shot eating trash; shot trying to eat a human; ate rocks; slept to death; and smashing my head into the wall.
posted by elizardbits at 5:15 PM on August 2, 2014

I forget what the ending with the Thomases was but I got that one too.
posted by elizardbits at 5:15 PM on August 2, 2014

SPOILER ALERT:

A google search for site:asinglebear.wordpress.com will give you a list of all the pages on the site (but not the link path to follow to get to them, obviously).
posted by drlith at 6:23 PM on August 2, 2014