A Rose Is A Rose Is A Not A Good Name For Your Daughter:
January 26, 2002 1:43 PM   Subscribe

A Rose Is A Rose Is A Not A Good Name For Your Daughter: What's in a name? A lot, apparently. Find out at the hilarious Institute for Naming Children Humanely. Still not convinced? Check out the hidden meaning of your name, nickname and cybername at the wacky Kabalarian web site. [First link via utterly linkalicious pelp]
posted by MiguelCardoso (61 comments total)
Just to give you an idea of how thorough those Kabalarians are, here's my analysis:Your name of Miguel has made you practical, systematic, and thorough. This name encourages the expression of leadership and organizational skills, shrewdness, and analytical ability. You are mathematically adept and have great patience with work of a detailed nature such as bookkeeping, accounting, or technical research. Particular about your material possessions, you keep everything you own in a good state of repair, and you budget your personal finances very carefully. Because of its matter-of-fact influence, this name limits, to some degree, your ability to be flexible and spontaneous. You tend to treat new and unfamiliar ideas with scepticism. Because of the serious, responsible qualities of your name, you must recognize the importance of a sense of humour and optimistic perspective of life. In some ways you are not overly emotional and sympathetic to others and can be shrewd and materialistic. Friends and associates may detect a lack of feeling and sympathy in their relationship with you. You see the practical side of situations and tend to deal with problems in an objective, sensible, and systematic way. That is your way of helping others through challenging situations. Being self-sufficient, you must remember that thoughtful expressions of affection toward those close to you are important. You express your appreciation for others by what you do for them rather than by what you say. Your interests and hobbies are generally along practical, technical, or scientific lines. Weaknesses in the health through stress and tension could affect the intestinal tract and related difficulties or could cause prostate problems..

And for $20 they'll give you the meaning of your whole name! On to you, dong_resin... ;)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 1:48 PM on January 26, 2002

Where's James Randi when you need him?
posted by monju_bosatsu at 1:55 PM on January 26, 2002

Thank God my grandmother never had any daughters.

She has begged every one of her sons, and their children, to name a daughter Rose. A nice enough name, yes, and fitting with a loosely-held family tradition of using names that begin with 'R', but our family surname is Bush.

Yes, she understands that "Rose Bush" would be teased mercilessly through every day of every school year, and yet she persists in badgering anyone in the family who's expecting a child to name it Rose if it's a girl, because the name would be so cute.

I'm hoping whatever disorder is affecting her rational thinking isn't hereditary.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:02 PM on January 26, 2002

I can't help but think that when people give their children these made up, mispelt monstrosities, that what they are really saying is, "We knew nothing you would ever do in your life would be special, so we decided to saddle you with a very special name, instead. Now run along - you don't want to be late on your very first day working at Bob's House of Boobs."
posted by kristin at 2:03 PM on January 26, 2002

That site was pretty funny, and they make a good point. If I see another toddler named Madison or Hunter I think I will start a riot.
posted by Hildago at 2:15 PM on January 26, 2002

kristin, my sister-in-law named one of her brood "Baylee". The first thing I thought when I heard the spelling was "Well, that's gonna look good on her Hooters name tag".
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:19 PM on January 26, 2002

This was nothing but a bunch of pathetic, racist crap. Yeah, let's name all our kids Mike and Katie. I think people are thankful that some people have more unique names, to avoid the "Mike who?" problem.
posted by dagnyscott at 2:53 PM on January 26, 2002

Hey, you dissin' on people named Mike?
posted by zztzed at 3:22 PM on January 26, 2002

Mocked, stereotyped, and ostracized children grow to become demented adults.

posted by delmoi at 3:29 PM on January 26, 2002

From my name analysis:

Generally speaking, you have few problems with your health; however, there is a weakness affecting the fluid functions of the body.

posted by jpoulos at 3:37 PM on January 26, 2002

I dunno there, dagny, but I can't help but think it is racist to assume that only non-whites give their children fucked up names.
posted by kristin at 3:38 PM on January 26, 2002

When my sister was preganant, we were told the kid was going to be named Rebecca. Great, nice, good name.

I now have a niece named Cheyenne.

Dad said he was going to call her Rebecca anyways, and I can see his point.
posted by Salmonberry at 3:41 PM on January 26, 2002

Your first name of Orenthal makes you extremely generous. You have a bubbling, spontaneous nature and a happy-go-lucky outlook which helps smooth the pathway of life.

hehe. The description for Osama matches the one for Miguel, and actually fits pretty well.
posted by swell at 3:46 PM on January 26, 2002

I once met a girl named Abcde (pronounced "Ab-sid-ee"). Coolest name I ever came across.
posted by Mach3avelli at 3:51 PM on January 26, 2002

I now have a niece named Cheyenne.

What's wrong with Cheyenne? There are too damn many rebeccas around, IMO. (No offense, rcb).
posted by jpoulos at 4:02 PM on January 26, 2002

When my parents chose my name (Graham) and my sister's name (Heather), they wanted one that couldn't automatically be shortened to another (common) form.

Richard becomes Rick, David becomes Dave, Stephen becomes Steve, but Graham becomes...Graham.

Unless your friends decide to call you Grum for the rest of your life.
posted by Grum at 4:32 PM on January 26, 2002

?,??o| was a poet into the "American West", and he & my aunt were going to name their first son "Billy the Kid" (this was around 1970). They settled on naming him Kidd. He turned out not to be the weird artsy type at all, and was seriously not into his name. He tried to go by his middle name, Lawrence, for a while, but friends teased him by calling him Larry. So he's Kidd. But he likes to hang out and watch the superbowl, not write epic poems about drugs and cowboys and hippies.

You name your kids, but they define those names. I think of "Kidd", as a name, as referring to a sturdy, good natured, friendly kinda guy. But when I think about what his parents were into and why they named him that, I think they expected a totally different sort of son.
posted by mdn at 4:33 PM on January 26, 2002

Strange. Why wouldn't parents want a name that couldn't be shortened? Then the kid might end up with one of those nicknames that have nothing to do with his/her real name.
posted by Charmian at 5:00 PM on January 26, 2002

?,??o| was...
I have no idea what happened here. That was supposed to say "my uncle"...

posted by mdn at 5:14 PM on January 26, 2002

Don't miss the Kabalarians' lists of "names with numbers in them"

Your name of Charley666 has created a most expressive nature, idealistic and inspirational, driven with a strong inner urge to be of service in some way that would uplift humanity as a whole.
posted by EngineBeak at 5:17 PM on January 26, 2002

I personally am wondering how my parents came up with the name "Scott" for me, considering they're Jewish and have no family in Scotland. Even my name screams goyim.
posted by solistrato at 5:42 PM on January 26, 2002

When my parents chose my name (Graham) and my sister's name (Heather)

Haha you guys are named Heather Graham... sorry, you've probably heard that a million times...
posted by gyc at 5:46 PM on January 26, 2002

As Jon, you have a natural interest in the welfare of your fellow man, and a desire to help and serve others in a humanitarian way. You are responsible and generous, although somewhat scattering and disorganized at times. Any jobs requiring systematic and conscientious effort, or involving any form of drudgery, dismay you. In your work, you would seek a position offering self-expression through contact with people, such as sales or teaching, or a position giving scope to your creative, artistic talents. You are good-natured and likeable, and people tend to confide in you and seek your advice in personal problems. Others sense your sincere interest and desire to help, and you can always be counted on to see the bright side of any problem. You enjoy making others happy and you never let your own problems "get you down" for any length of time, even though you do tend to worry too much at times. Your optimism can be a source of inspiration to others as well as yourself. In close personal relationships you are usually thoughtful and considerate. However, your natural interest in others, coupled with your sympathetic reaction to problems, could draw you into emotional situations which may be difficult to get out of. Health weakness would appear as skin conditions or ailments relative to the liver. A tendency to overeat quick-energy foods aggravates any health problems.

Ummm, I guess they got the part about the liver right, at least...
posted by jonmc at 6:05 PM on January 26, 2002

Synchronicity is a frightening thing. I know a Rose (middle name), and a Marie (middle name), and sisters with alliterative first names...

and as if that's not enough, they're all the same family. Heck, most of my favorite people have names that the I.N.C.H. disapproves of.
posted by iamrobotandproud at 6:10 PM on January 26, 2002

Mocked, stereotyped, and ostracized children grow to become demented adults.

I was shown a picture of a little girl by someone I met recently. It was the daughter of one of her clients, her name (written on the back of the photograph by her mother) is Dementia, I kid you not. Her mother thought it was "pretty" (which it kind of is, if you don't immediately associate it with mental dysfunction) and had no idea what it meant. Just imagine what that kid will go through at school. And then there's the friend of a friend who named her daughter She-Ra.

But generally, I like one-of-a kind names. As long as some effort has been put into choosing them. It's not that hard to do a little research about the names you're saddling your kids with for the rest of their lives. The site's a bit wacky (saying things like "These parents are obviously idiots" is a bit much, and what's their problem with Zoe?), but the idea is a good one, maybe it will save another child from being named Dick Trickle.
posted by biscotti at 6:20 PM on January 26, 2002

80% of all "Megan"s have a sister named "Molly".....

yep....my sister is molly

posted by hazelmeg at 6:22 PM on January 26, 2002

Tangentally, I'd just like to make a recommendation. When you meet a person, if you notice something funny or quirky about that person's name, keep it to yourself. They've heard it before. Hundreds of times. They do not find it amusing, and they will think you doltish for having brought attention to it. They will begin to hate you immediately, and will spend their spare time dreaming up ways to make you suffer.

Trust me on this one. I know whereof I speak. My last name is Snow. Many would-be yuksters find my name to be a comedic gold mine. I hate them all, and will, one day, dance on each and every one of their graves.
posted by Optamystic at 6:29 PM on January 26, 2002

I've always thought that kids in the Internet Ages would start receiving names that would help them differentiate from all the other kids out there who will be searching for their names on Google in thirteen years. I mean, I could track down my old boyfriend Elya Schwartzman much much faster than I could track down my old friend John Connors. Of course they can all find me pretty easily.

and yeah, I did find this article a little on the lame side w/r/t people with the so-called ethnic names "an unwieldy combination of ethnic names is merely confusing...foreign names are unnecessarily pretentious" Hear that Miguel?
posted by jessamyn at 6:56 PM on January 26, 2002

You hear about all these fan parents who name their kids after Star Wars or Star Trek characters. I've always wondered if those stories are true. Wouldn't it be kind of annoying to go through life named Darth? Or perhaps you could pass it off as a foreign name.
posted by Charmian at 7:06 PM on January 26, 2002

I wonder if anyone is planning to name their son Frodo or Bilbo...
posted by Rebis at 7:30 PM on January 26, 2002

Let's see, a cousin who just named his red-headed daughter Raven and some acquaintances (50-65 year old ladies), sisters, who are named Pearl, Ruby, Jewel. There’s a fourth sister, but I can’t recall her name.
posted by allpaws at 7:56 PM on January 26, 2002


you'll get no sympathy from me. you think you got it bad with your name? my last name is gay. my girlfriend's last name is gross. my cousins' last name is doody. and believe me, i wish i was making this up.
posted by particle at 8:05 PM on January 26, 2002

Charmian: how about the other way around? Star Trek TNG character Geordi LaForge was named after a fan.
posted by caveday at 8:16 PM on January 26, 2002

Optamystic: you'll get no sympathy from me.

Or from me. "When I Marry Mr Snow" is the most charming song in Rodgers and Hammerstein's Carousel. And, if that weren't enough, Thomas Pynchon named a character in Mason and Dixon after him.
[Here's a Quicktime midi file to jog your memory]
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:25 PM on January 26, 2002

There’s a fourth sister, but I can’t recall her name.


I'm friends with four sisters all named Maria. They go by their middle names. It's a catholic thing.
posted by jpoulos at 8:44 PM on January 26, 2002

Optamystic: you'll get no sympathy from me.

Yeah, I got off pretty light. My cousin Amber, however, is not so lucky. ("Don't eat the Amber Snow", hardy har har)

I wonder if anyone is planning to name their son Frodo or Bilbo...

No doubt about it. Fortunately, having a child requires having sex, and judging by what I've seen of most hardcore LOTR fans, that just ain't gonna happen.
posted by Optamystic at 8:51 PM on January 26, 2002

As someone with an odd name (first is traditionally considered a feminine name, which does not make high school any easier for a gawky bookish smoker who's best sport is chess; middle begins with "I", just run through the rather short list of possibles and pick the oddest), I can't tell you how many times I wished my name was "Bill."

Didn't make me a murderer, though. Unless one of my other personalities is one.
posted by UncleFes at 9:09 PM on January 26, 2002

Optamystic, we'd get along great. The head of my department's name is Snow, and so my first reaction on hearing the name isn't amusement, it's one of abject fear.

I have the somewhat mixed blessing of having the last name Roach. What made it even better was the year I had a roommate with the last name Grass. We'd always have to give our first names to the pizza delivery places, because otherwise they'd think we were pulling a prank.
posted by Chanther at 9:52 PM on January 26, 2002

I was issued a name when new that has a scatological rhyme, and eventually there was even a doll manufactured with the identical moniker. And positively everyone I met for a few years thought they were the first to quip "Beam me up". There were days it was unpleasant, but I survived it well enough to at least be able carry off the illusion of being a productive member of society. However, I believe it will require no small measure of fortitude to manage the foray through the playgrounds for the 3 children born in the USA in 2001 whose parents saw fit to name them ESPN.
posted by scottymac at 10:05 PM on January 26, 2002

I have a stupid name.
But I haven't always hated it.

Thanks to one Miss Spears, I now loathe it.

Previously my name, misspelled and all (see below), might have conjured up ideas of a gum-popping pom pom girl.

Now it immediately brings to mind all that is horrid in this world.

I work as a waitress and bartender and there isn't a night that goes by that after introducing myself, someone doesn't blurt out "Britney Spears?" Like it's a question.

Nevertheless, every time it occurs, I am completely taken aback by the sheer absurdity of the comment. Once I managed to come up with "Yeah, I do this table-waiting thing to keep me grounded." Everything else I dream up would get me fired. I'm taking suggestions.
posted by brittney at 10:17 PM on January 26, 2002

I'm taking suggestions

Corkscrew to the forehead. Hide the body in the walk-in.
posted by Optamystic at 11:05 PM on January 26, 2002

Said this in a post by Spoon somewhat cognate to this one. It's the worst example in my own experience.
posted by y2karl at 11:18 PM on January 26, 2002

Had a freind in school named Linda Sample, which is a nice enough name, until it got changed in high school to Free Sample. She really hated that. My maiden name was Bell, I got hung with BarBell, until the movie Barbarella came out.
posted by bjgeiger at 11:21 PM on January 26, 2002

From the Kabalarian site, on the name Brad-
This name can adversely affect the health of your respiratory organs, the heart and lungs. Also, you are prone to suffer from weaknesses centering in the head.

posted by bradth27 at 12:08 AM on January 27, 2002

I can't tell you how many times I wished my name was "Bill."

UncleFes... Common names like "Bill" can be just as bad as unique ones. Like when you're dating some girl, and her roomate refers to you as "Bill#2" when she thinks you're not listening. Or when you're in a crowd, and someone yells your name, and a handful of Bill's all turn around to see if they are the one's being paged.
posted by bragadocchio at 1:15 AM on January 27, 2002

bill is good. i've always had a thing for names that are both common nouns and common verbs. nick is another one.
posted by juv3nal at 2:07 AM on January 27, 2002

I once created this site which may be of interest ...first name domains.

Davros, Spock & Darth Vader ... it seems the database doesn't just cater for humans.
posted by feelinglistless at 6:18 AM on January 27, 2002

did you even read the site, kristin? it had a whole page on, basically, stereotypically African-American names, and how utterly and morally wrong they are? that's what I was commenting on.
posted by dagnyscott at 6:54 AM on January 27, 2002

I hated my name (Shea) growing up. Either people made Mets jokes -- and every time I gained any significant weight it was utterly horrible ["Well, you're the size of Shea stadium."], or I was reminded that it was a man's name. There are still some family members that torture me by calling me Jim. However, I grew into it, and it's been a help. When people have long forgotten all the Sarahs, Marys, Susans, and Nancys they will remember Shea. Which is all I ask.
posted by FunkyHelix at 7:53 AM on January 27, 2002

I can't tell you how many times I wished my name was "Bill."

I don't know about other countries, but in the U.S. you can call yourself anything you want as long as you're not trying to, you know, hide from the law or commit fraud or something. I use a couple of different last names myself. So I'm curious -- those of you out there who have always disliked your names, and live in the U.S., what keeps you from changing them to something you do like?
posted by JanetLand at 9:02 AM on January 27, 2002

The inconvenience factor, most likely. Are you sure you get as many names as you want? I was always told you got 3 aliases in California.
The best name I've ever run into was a little boy called Lloyd Freedom Finch, who was out camping with his dad and dad's biker buddies. Every time little Lloyd slipped out of sight, Dad wandered around the campground asking the other bikers, "Hey, where's Freedom? Anybody seen Freedom lately? Freedom? Freedom, come back here! Now!!"
posted by sheauga at 10:37 AM on January 27, 2002

I searched the California laws (kind of a clumsy search engine, by the way), but all I could find was information on changing your name through the court system. There's nothing that discusses the number of names you're allowed to have -- perhaps that's for corporation names? Anyway, there's also nothing in those laws that requires you to go to court if you want to use a different name. You don't have to go to court to change your name when you get married, for example. You just start using the new name.

But I agree about the inconvenience. My husband moved into my house, so everything was in my name, and the hassle I went through to change everything made me very sorry I ever bothered to change my name at all. In fact, I got frustrated and just left some stuff as it was, which is how I ended up using two last names. And I can understand putting up with a name you just kind of dislike rather than fuss with changing it. But I met someone once who so hated her middle name that she wouldn't even tell anyone what it was. Seems silly not to change under that kind of circumstance.
posted by JanetLand at 11:07 AM on January 27, 2002

My name is Leslie, and I don't know how many times someone has called me Lezzy or Lesby. It started way back in elementary school when we weren't even quite sure what it meant and just last week someone made the same "joke." So I said "Um yeah, I've never heard that before. Very original. " He promptly went away.
posted by chiababe at 11:43 AM on January 27, 2002

You don't have to go to court to change your name when you get married, for example. You just start using the new name.

The marriage license takes care of this...

As a Jerry, I can say without hesitation that you should never give a child a name that rhymes with "fairy."
posted by kindall at 2:59 PM on January 27, 2002

i live with a tahu, a kamaea, and a tatum. two of my best friends are called darlene and barnie (darlene as a name is *very* rare here, so's barnie). i also know someone called fire, and damn is that a cool name.

not a week goes by where i don't feel left out for being called matthew.
posted by titboy at 4:29 PM on January 27, 2002

I was just doing some Googlewhacking (I'm afraid I am an addict) and ran across the name "Richard D. Boner". He's a judge on the Superior Court, North Carolina.

Here come da judge, indeed.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:27 PM on January 27, 2002

Driving through North Carolina about twelve years ago, I..er...came across one of the The Honorable Dick Boner's election signs. It was standing proudly, seeming to pulse a bit in the breeze by the side of the road. Needless to say, I grasped it firmly, (but gently) stuck it in the trunk, and, for the remainder of the year, it was well hung on my dorm room wall.

It's true, I swear. Please forgive me.
posted by Optamystic at 7:48 PM on January 27, 2002

So I'm curious -- those of you out there who have always disliked your names, and live in the U.S., what keeps you from changing them to something you do like?

You think it's a pain in the ass when your ISP dies and you have to change email addresses?

"Richard D. Boner"

I worked at a newspaper that had an ancient shitbird named Harold Weiner working there. We, of course, called him Harry, which he hated. He also swore that (a) his surname was of French extraction, and (b) it was pronounced "win-YAY." Needless to say, the snickering would get to airport decibels when he got on one of these rants.
posted by UncleFes at 9:07 PM on January 27, 2002

As a Jerry, I can say without hesitation that you should never give a child a name that rhymes with "fairy."

One of my oldest friends is named Barry. Not unusual, except that his dad is Jerry, and his sister, Shari. His mom : Arvilla.

Go figure that one out.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 11:04 PM on January 27, 2002

You don't have to go to court to change your name when you get married, for example. You just start using the new name.

The marriage license takes care of this...

No, it doesn't. Marriage certificates merely say that so-and-so and so-and-so got married on a specific date. They say nothing about what name anybody will use after that.
posted by JanetLand at 7:26 AM on January 28, 2002

My name is Grainne (with an accent over the a) and it is pronounced grohwnya or gronya or somethign in between. It's an irish name. It's kind of a common Irish name that is not used at all in america. I really like my name, it's a 'real' name, but it's unique and special. it's also long, and strong, and i don't have any nicknames (goneill aside...) i would definitely like to give my children names like that.
posted by goneill at 8:52 AM on January 29, 2002

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