What if Michael Bay Directed "UP"?
August 20, 2014 5:55 PM   Subscribe

Needs more product placement.
posted by mochapickle at 6:00 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Needs more explosions.
posted by Chuffy at 6:11 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Needs more parallax motioBOOM BOOM BOOM
posted by fungible at 6:12 PM on August 20, 2014

I think Michael Bay's brain is just going "SQUIRREL!" like constantly.
posted by BrashTech at 6:14 PM on August 20, 2014 [20 favorites]

Needs the dogs to be gross racial caricatures.
posted by Riki tiki at 6:19 PM on August 20, 2014 [21 favorites]

the last 1.5 seconds still makes me sad
posted by bitteroldman at 6:23 PM on August 20, 2014 [5 favorites]

Needs more 360 degree spinning camera upward hero shot
posted by TwoWordReview at 7:26 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Lens flare, exploisions, orange/blue.... I mean what more do you need fer chrissakes?

just everything
posted by edgeways at 7:26 PM on August 20, 2014

I am a really, really, really bad person for how thoroughly I lost myself in laughter at that final shot.
posted by trackofalljades at 7:55 PM on August 20, 2014

If Clint Eastwood directed Up, it would be Gran Torino
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 7:56 PM on August 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

I'm holding out for UP II: The Uppening.
posted by spikeleemajortomdickandharryconnickjrmints at 8:08 PM on August 20, 2014

Not wide screen enough. Not enough fake lens flare.

Basically, I didn't hate it. So it isn't Bay enough.
posted by clvrmnky at 8:19 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

posted by mhoye at 8:31 PM on August 20, 2014

On of the other videos listed with this was "Fifty shades of frozen". Nope. Nope. Nope. Not gonna watch it.

posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:01 PM on August 20, 2014 [2 favorites]

So. You have an unworkable mess of '70s space hero comic book superhero dreck spun into a marvelous fable by a pair of writers best known for their British-market adventures of a future-cop who likes shooting people first and then jailing them and never asking any questions, and then making him the hero. Your resume includes an edgy, indy superhero movie starring a character actor from an American re-hash of "The Office", a horror movie where the soundtrack was entirely Air Supply songs, and a bunch of credits on Toxic Avengers spin-off sequels.

So. How do you get your audience to buy in to almost two hours of non-stop suspension of disbelief? How do you get them to buy into a talking raccoons and trees as tragic bad-asses?

Simple. You do what Pete Docter did in "Up" - you punch the audience in the gut right away, and as they're holding their sides and sucking wind, they'll buy into whatever you're selling.

James Gunn is, at heart, a simple man. Find a formula that works, and use it to say what you need to say. Gut-punch at the start it is, and "Hooked on a Feeling" indeed.
posted by Slap*Happy at 9:33 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Needs a hawt chick who can't act.

Sorta related: What if Hans Zimmer scored Star Wars VII (courtesy bauermaster, via MeFi Projects).

And this might be one of the rare times no one here can say "Still better than the prequels."
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 9:38 PM on August 20, 2014 [1 favorite]

Needs more botched shameless plug on a stage.
posted by Chutzler at 10:45 PM on August 20, 2014

Oh I highly recommend 50 Shades of Frozen. Nicely done and creepy.
posted by viggorlijah at 11:39 PM on August 20, 2014 [3 favorites]

Actually just an action-focused trailer for UP with a lot of lens flare thrown in. So not actually representative of Bay. Needs more cut-cut-cut every .7 seconds, along with wildly mismatched closeups-wideshot-craneshot...oh so many craneshots.
posted by zardoz at 1:39 AM on August 21, 2014

Needs more slow-motion shots of helicopters and/or fighter jets against sunsets, more American flags, and more lampposts. That man loves lampposts.

In his review of Armageddon (C-), Owen Glieberman said, "Bay makes films like a man with a live tiger shark caught in his underwear. The camera never stops moving, and the images are edited with such nervous stroboscopic intensity that they seem to be knocking into each other like bumper cars."
posted by Mister Moofoo at 2:07 AM on August 21, 2014

That was hilarious. I totally thought it was just gonna be a recut trailer, too.

James Gunn is, at heart, a simple man.

I seriously doubt Gunn's edits added much heartstring pulling to GoTG, but the beginning of that movie really didn't do nearly as much as the beginning of Up, which was a lovely story all on its own and set up characters and shit. You learn nothing about Quill's mom in the intro to Guardians and little enough about Quill himself; the dancing around on an alien planet thing is where he really manages to charm the audience. He's doing something funny and identifiable and sort of familiar, because most of us have danced around and sung into hairbrushes, or we know someone who does. It's more analogous to "I hid under the porch because I love you", I think, in that it creates attachment and likeability, though Quill's charm doesn't rub off on everyone else like Dug's does.
posted by NoraReed at 2:15 AM on August 21, 2014

Needs to be 170 minutes long.
posted by localroger at 5:12 AM on August 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Hm. I thought this was going to be "What if Michael Bay directed ... and Up?"
posted by octobersurprise at 6:06 AM on August 21, 2014

Oh I highly recommend 50 Shades of Frozen. Nicely done and creepy.

50 Shades of Frozen deserves its own FPP. It's really, really good.
posted by mochapickle at 6:27 AM on August 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

James Gunn is, at heart, a simple man.

You haven't actually seen Slither or Super, have you?
posted by maxsparber at 6:58 AM on August 21, 2014

Okay, so here's my beef.
and I've waited years to say this
Aside from the entertaining explosions in the last third, and one inserted clip, everything in that trailer is actually in UP, and unlike other fake trailers, this one doesn't even really take them out of context. It just strung all the confrontational action/adventure sequences in a row.

This is actually the problem I had with the movie. Like every other sentient being on this planet, I had my heart broken by the first 15 minutes, and their tour through mortality. But slowly but surely, the film lost touch with its most powerful asset: The frailty of its protagonist. It forgot about the constraints of age, and allowed its hero to solve problems like an action hero. He became elderly in appearance only, and in the process, I thought, kind of forgettable. It ceased to be a meditation on mortality, and became yet another showcase of indestructibility.

And that always bugged me, because I wanted to love this movie so much. But in the end, it just kind of played out like Michael Bay directed it.
posted by bicyclefish at 7:29 AM on August 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

If it makes you feel any better, Carl never actually got off the ground. He dies of helium asphyxiation while filling up all those balloons. The rest of the movie is just fever dream as he crosses into the fantastical beyond.
posted by mochapickle at 7:36 AM on August 21, 2014 [7 favorites]

See? I knew that would help.
posted by mochapickle at 7:37 AM on August 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Something I've been wondering about since I saw this last night -

'The Rock' is still one of my favorite movies (though maybe I just haven't seen it in a while and it's not as good as I remember? Nostalgic/reminiscence bubble effect?) and I'm pretty sure it has many (if not all) of the Michael Bay-isms seen and mentioned here, but it's still a great movie.

Is this because Sean Connery and Ed Harris carry the film (and to a lesser extent Nic Cage)? Was it more to do with being a Don Simpson and Jerry Bruckheimer action movie that happened to be directed by Bay? Has Michael Bay just lost the run of himself over the years?

What makes The Rock a great action movie while practically everything else Michael Bay has done since such dreck?
posted by TwoWordReview at 10:41 AM on August 21, 2014

What makes The Rock a great action movie while practically everything else Michael Bay has done since such dreck?

Even a stopped clock...? No, too easy.

The Rock is the last and only film that Michael Bay directed with both coherence and ambiguity. it is a coherent whole. There are no senseless choices. The pieces fit together, characters' motivations are clear and they act on those motivations in a relatively logical way.

But it's the ambiguity that's the best part. Goodspeed is the only clear good guy, and he doesn't know that he's being manipulated and does know that he's out of his depth. His fate is ambiguous even while he is not. Everyone else has at least two strings pulling on them: Hummel is an honorable man forced (he thinks) into dishonorable action. His Major (David Morse) will follow him anywhere, but knows an untenable situation when he sees one. FBI Director Womack has to save the hostages, but hates using Mason. FBI second-in-charge Paxton is torn between basic lawful do-the-right-thing and a fucked-up command structure. Mason wants the freedom he's been denied, but has enough of a soul left to worry about the people who will pay the price. Even Michael Biehn's SEAL commander would side with Hummel at the bar but has to throw down with him on the battlefield.

Look at every one of the other 10 movies that Michael Bay directed and tell me if there's as human a group as that? Michael Bay does not understand gradients, does not understand or is not interested in shades of gray. The Rock, a great action movie to be sure, is also a rather terrific (for it's scale and ambitions) movie about men, duty, principles, and responsibility.

Also, that scene where Mason is cornered with his daughter in the Palace of Fine Arts, and she realizes that he escaped and is just bringing his disaster of a life crashing into hers AGAIN, goddammit Dad... And then Goodspeed pops up and fakes it like Mason's working with the FBI and they just needed him urgently? Kills me, every time. Decency when it costs you nothing is precious indeed.
posted by aureliobuendia at 2:31 PM on August 21, 2014 [3 favorites]

Awesome analysis, I feel like we should do The Rock on Fanfare.
posted by TwoWordReview at 3:56 PM on August 21, 2014

My God, 50 Shades of Frozen is fucking brilliant.
posted by localroger at 5:06 PM on August 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

Definitely needs more racism.
posted by Saxon Kane at 6:50 AM on August 24, 2014

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