The hospital didn’t have a leg to stand on
September 23, 2014 5:08 AM   Subscribe

 
In case anyone's wondering what the lamp actually looks like, here it is.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:14 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]


Yay for the dude but the lamp is a bit disappointing. You could put anything in the lower jar bit and have a lamp above it. It's not really a 'leg lamp'.
posted by colie at 5:20 AM on September 23, 2014 [10 favorites]


The lamp isn't what I was expecting. Thought it would have more of a scrimshaw vibe.
posted by arcticseal at 5:21 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


I was expecting taxidermy.
posted by Faint of Butt at 5:26 AM on September 23, 2014 [6 favorites]


I expected this.
posted by kinnakeet at 5:28 AM on September 23, 2014 [15 favorites]


He'll have a leg up on the competition. You know? I mean, if the competition ever says "yeah, but do you have a LEG LAMP?" And if they don't have a leg lamp, he'll say, "yeah, I've got a leg lamp!", and, then, you see, he'll have a leg up on them.

/Dutch humor
posted by flapjax at midnite at 5:30 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Very disappointed. I too was hoping for more of a 'Christmas Story'-style leg-lamp.
posted by easily confused at 5:36 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


It's not a lamp, it's a major award!
posted by Cash4Lead at 5:37 AM on September 23, 2014 [15 favorites]


He should have gone for massive weight gain before the operation then he would have been able to use it as an umbrella stand.
posted by biffa at 5:41 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


At least he didn't want to make a Legolas lamp....
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:44 AM on September 23, 2014


I don't think they have to answer the question "What is a corpse?" as they say.

The rule could be that you are allowed to take away your own body parts. If there is no "you" to take away any body parts, then its a corpse.
posted by vacapinta at 5:46 AM on September 23, 2014 [10 favorites]


"Fra-gee-lay...must be Dutch!"
posted by briank at 5:48 AM on September 23, 2014 [11 favorites]


The rule could be that you are allowed to take away your own body parts. If there is no "you" to take away any body parts, then its a corpse.

Wouldn't this make people in comas corpses? That wouldn't be a sound legal footing.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:50 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


The rule could be that you are allowed to take away your own body parts. If there is no "you" to take away any body parts, then its a corpse.

What if I (acting as the "you" in the above scenario) decide before death to appoint a proxy to remove my body parts on my behalf, after I am dead, and make them into fetching household accessories?

I know someone who would be MADE UP if he thought he could be a garden ornament after he dies.
posted by emilyw at 5:51 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Shades of Use Of Weapons.
posted by mhoye at 6:03 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]


The Lampmaker.
posted by Slackermagee at 6:11 AM on September 23, 2014 [4 favorites]


What's a nice leg like you, doing in a lamp like this?
posted by Goofyy at 6:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


In "Enter the Dragon", the bad guy has his amputated arm in a display case. This reminds me of that.
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 6:23 AM on September 23, 2014


Yay for the dude but the lamp is a bit disappointing. You could put anything in the lower jar bit and have a lamp above it. It's not really a 'leg lamp'.

Yeah, it's more like a decorative novelty light fixture from the Spencer's clearance shelf perched atop a column of formaldehyde. Maybe he meant "leg lamp" in the same way that a "table lamp" is meant to rest on an end table and a "floor lamp" goes on the floor?

D minus for both concept and execution, leg lamp guy. You will not be participating in the student amputated body part art show this year, but I wish you best of luck in the future.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:23 AM on September 23, 2014 [7 favorites]


Odd, I just finished watching a documentary where that "Lampshade made of human flesh found in New orleans." turned out to be just cow all along.
posted by The Whelk at 6:25 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Interesting case. I'm still bitter my oral surgeon wouldn't let me keep my wisdom teeth, but to be fair I didn't fight very hard.
posted by fermezporte at 6:43 AM on September 23, 2014


ME TOO

I wanted human teeth cuff links like the gangster in Great Gatsby.
posted by The Whelk at 6:46 AM on September 23, 2014


I'm pretty sure if I had one of these, I would fall into a vortex of navel gazing and never emerge.

Like this scene in Robocop. What's left?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:55 AM on September 23, 2014


They wouldn't let me keep my subcutaneous lipomas ("fatty lumps," like dogs get), either.

That leg in a jar is far creepier than a plain old leg lamp, moreso due to its clinical execution, maybe.
posted by notyou at 6:57 AM on September 23, 2014


However, Bonten was told that he could only get his amputated leg back after it had been buried to follow the letter of the law, which was costly never mind a bit ridiculous.

Brønshøj Cemetery, Copenhagen. It was a cold, rainy evening, and Leo Bolten stood apart from a small handful of close friends as the gravediggers solemnly lowered a tiny casket into the muddy earth. One foot in the grave, he thought wryly, then shook himself with sudden unease -- an eerie chill as cold as the metal prosthetic at his thigh. Some might laugh this off, nothing but a morbid bureaucratic joke, but Leo could not help but feel that he was in some sense betraying himself. That, for all his argument and bluster, he had ultimately bent before this Kafkaesque system -- and consigned a piece of his own self to the Reaper in the process. This leg, his leg, which had died so he might live -- cast, unmourned, into the abyss.

A few sniggers from behind, cut short with a red-rimmed glare. He turned back and watched from misted shadow as the gravediggers threw spadefuls of dark earth onto the infant coffin, a terrible weight pressing down upon his very soul. His friends stood frozen, the force of Leo's quiet guilt permeating the dread silence.

Suddenly a brusque Swede emerged from the bushes.

"Many of you feel bad for this leg. That is because you crazy! It has no feelings. And the new one is much better."
posted by Rhaomi at 7:00 AM on September 23, 2014 [23 favorites]


I had a teacher in high school who'd lost his middle three fingers from the second knuckle up on his left hand. The story was that he'd been chopping wood, put out a hand to steady the wood, and wham, they were gone, nowhere to be found. He called a friend to pick him up from the hospital afterward, and after dropping him off his friend searched for the digits. He found them (but not soon enough to reattach, unfortunately), and so his friend made a lamp out of the piece of wood, and put the fingers in a jar in the lamp. A plaque on it says "In Memory of Things Lost." My teacher kept it on his desk at school. Public school is weird.
posted by sephira at 7:04 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


“The hospital didn’t have a leg to stand on,” says Bonten jokingly, in compliance with public-domain comedy requirements.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 7:06 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


Thank god it wasn't like A Christmas Story. You can buy that lamp in stores that sell mugs with sassy sayings on them. His lamp is unique and personal, like his leg is to him. Not a giggle-worthy imitation of a mass produced joke.
posted by munchingzombie at 7:10 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


How typically Dutch.
posted by Nevin at 7:31 AM on September 23, 2014


I'm pretty sure if I had one of these, I would fall into a vortex of navel gazing and never emerge.

Why? What would you make your navel into?
posted by PlusDistance at 7:40 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Some kind of cozy day bed or pillow?
posted by The Whelk at 7:46 AM on September 23, 2014


Interesting case. I'm still bitter my oral surgeon wouldn't let me keep my wisdom teeth, but to be fair I didn't fight very hard.

I asked ahead of time and he seemed surprised but said he'd see what he could but apparently they got too broken up during the surgery to give to me. Then I ate a lot of mashed potatoes.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 7:46 AM on September 23, 2014


Leg of lamp? Where's the mint jelly?
posted by TedW at 8:07 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


It's totally internet that the guy went to all that trouble with his actual genuine own leg only to have everyone comment 'pfft, not a leg lamp.'
posted by colie at 8:08 AM on September 23, 2014 [12 favorites]


Odd, I just finished watching a documentary where that "Lampshade made of human flesh found in New orleans." turned out to be just cow all along.

I'm... pretty sure... that's not a cow leg.
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:11 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


I wanted human teeth cuff links like the gangster in Great Gatsby.

I still have the necklace I made out of mine.
posted by mhoye at 8:17 AM on September 23, 2014


They wouldn't let me keep my subcutaneous lipomas

ME EITHER I was so mad. The wisdom teeth I guess made sense because they came out in like 2 dozen splinters instead of as whole teeth, so not very exciting. I have the tooth that was pulled about 8 years ago as well as the titanium implant that came out last week, though, which is pretty rad.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:17 AM on September 23, 2014


Yeah I hear it's common for dentists to drill your wisdom teeth to bits in situ first and then pick out the debris. Not looking forward to that.
posted by colie at 8:31 AM on September 23, 2014


It depends on how they're positioned and other stuff, ALLEGEDLY, but I think it's just because they like getting to use the drill.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:39 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would have made it look more like a bacta-tank. At least put a fish tank air pump in there to make bubbles.
posted by blue_beetle at 8:56 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Oh man if that thing leaks
posted by orme at 9:12 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


If it's got to the point where they're coming out, I suspect your wisdom teeth are probably not in jewelery condition anyway.
posted by Segundus at 9:17 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


At one of my antenatal classes someone asked a question about eating placentas, and the midwife said 'some hospitals might let you take the placenta away home if you ask.' And even though I have absolutely no interest in eating or keeping any placenta ever, I was struck with this urge to DEMAND to take mine home with me because excuse me, 'might let'? I made that! It's mine! Give it to me, dammit, so I can... go 'ick' and shove it in a clinical waste bin when nobody's looking!

(I didn't, but now I sort of wish I had. You could make a good lava lamp with a placenta.)
posted by Catseye at 9:20 AM on September 23, 2014 [5 favorites]


Apropos of teeth…

My father had weak tooth enamel and was a lifelong smoker. For much of my childhood his incisors had rotted into the shape of fangs.

When he had us over one weekend, he handed a hinged box (like the kind electric razors used to come in) to my brother. C. opened it up, and inside its velveteen-lined hollow were a pair of flat teeth with long roots, the enamel rotted into the approximate shape of fangs.

Dad looked at C. and asked "how much do you think the tooth fairy will give me for these?
posted by pxe2000 at 9:42 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


The best pictures are the ones of him holding his leg and putting the lamp together. I can honestly see some clinical value in waking up from an amputation surgery of that scale and being able to physically pick up the part that is now separated from the body instead of it being permanently whisked away for disposal. Like, woah, here is this thing that I've looked at from a different angle my entire life, right here in my hands.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:14 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


Suddenly a brusque Swede emerged from the bushes.

Quite rutabaga in like that.
posted by MartinWisse at 10:14 AM on September 23, 2014


That lamp is gross. I hate that leg. I feel like the toes are staring or pointing at me. So I hate it. Hate hate hate.
posted by discopolo at 10:34 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


And I feel like I can smell the preservative it's in.
posted by discopolo at 10:35 AM on September 23, 2014 [1 favorite]


UGH one time I had a horribly vivid nightmare of people wearing sandals in the summer but their toes were eyes THANKS FOR REMINDING MEEEEE

cry
posted by poffin boffin at 10:54 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


I'm glad he was able to make light of the situation.
posted by maryr at 11:43 AM on September 23, 2014 [3 favorites]


BTW, how does one go about purchasing that much formaldehyde without ending up on a list?

...I'm asking for a friend.
posted by maryr at 11:44 AM on September 23, 2014 [2 favorites]


but their toes were eyes

Now, now the only toes with eyes are potaTOES. maybe it was your subconscious telling you to eat more potato chips. On the beach.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:45 AM on September 23, 2014


Frankly, if that's it, you should have let them bury it, permanently.
posted by Segundus at 1:36 PM on September 23, 2014


their toes were eyes

Its like they used to follow you around the room.
posted by biffa at 2:46 PM on September 23, 2014


BTW, how does one go about purchasing that much formaldehyde without ending up on a list?

Formaldehyde? The stuff's undrinkable.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:34 PM on September 23, 2014


Lamp leg, stand or base. A Leg-lamp-leg, leg-stand or leg-base. Maybe. If I put my tonsils in that Aliens-tube thing would it be a Tonsil-lamp? No. Who wants a tonsil lamp?

Maybe the tooth-fairy? Or her/his delegates?
posted by evil_esto at 2:28 AM on September 24, 2014


You know those ridiculously specific laws that come up as wacky trivia? This is how they get made.
posted by BiggerJ at 2:43 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


Why is he wearing gloves to touch his own leg????
posted by taff at 5:10 AM on September 24, 2014


My husband got to keep his wisdom teeth when he had them out in unexpected emergency surgery. He was living overseas at the time, and without any warning, he mailed them to me.

I still don't really know what he was thinking. And, he claims, neither does he. Apparently the drugs they give you for that sort of surgery are the really good shit.
posted by lollusc at 5:18 AM on September 24, 2014 [2 favorites]


Formaldehyde? The stuff's undrinkable.

I don't want to drink it. I mean, neither does my friend.

Look, my friend maybe has brains in her...uh, his basement and maybe the brains are drying out and maybe my friend could use some formaldehyde to prevent that happening. Maybe.
posted by maryr at 8:14 AM on September 24, 2014 [1 favorite]


Serious offers only.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:25 AM on September 25, 2014


Formaldehyde? The stuff's undrinkable.

Clearly you've never had a Trickie Dickie Screwdriver.
posted by TedW at 3:17 PM on September 25, 2014 [1 favorite]


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