Here is a picture of sexy ham!
October 2, 2014 9:26 PM   Subscribe

 
I bet he's an Herbalife scammer (the "I represent a Fortune 500 company" and "I've got a business to run"). That's a great reply.
posted by zachlipton at 9:33 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


Funny, but almost certainly fake.
posted by dirigibleman at 9:35 PM on October 2, 2014 [22 favorites]


Er, Herbalife isn't actually a Fortune 500 company (not that such people are honest). A scammer of unknown variety. Carry on.
posted by zachlipton at 9:35 PM on October 2, 2014


epic flail
posted by naju at 9:35 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


I would like to subscribe to naughty otters.
posted by small_ruminant at 9:46 PM on October 2, 2014 [38 favorites]


I put on my robe and wizard hat...

Do you think that guy actually had 80 pictures of naughty dogs ready to use?
posted by Kevin Street at 9:48 PM on October 2, 2014 [6 favorites]


The idea that these jerks are actually entering these texts by hand on a phone would never even occur to me. I would assume they've got a PC running a spammy front end to an SMS API. And in fact I still think so, so what is this again?
posted by George_Spiggott at 9:55 PM on October 2, 2014 [16 favorites]


This guy received a spam text from a scammer. What he did next will blow your mind!
posted by Soulfather at 9:57 PM on October 2, 2014 [20 favorites]


all the text/Autocorrect funnies are so fake I don't know how anyone falls for them
posted by sweetkid at 9:57 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


How can you tell they're fake? I see real ones that are nearly as funny pretty regularly. I don't know why people would need to make them up.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:05 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


Because almost nothing on the internet is real. You are not real. I am not real. Only naughty otters are real.
posted by item at 10:26 PM on October 2, 2014 [53 favorites]


Today's spam highlight in my inbox: "I have a business deal which I think might be of interest to you. If you have not been convicted of fraud in the past and if you can handle financial transactions in excess of US$22Million, get back to me so I can give you further details."

Strong is the temptation to reply: "Never convicted -- the charges were dismissed. What do I have to do?"
posted by ricochet biscuit at 10:27 PM on October 2, 2014 [16 favorites]


Sounds like an album in need of recording: Sexy Ham by The Naughty Otters.
posted by Hairy Lobster at 10:39 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


Never convicted -- the charges were dismissed.

Acquitted.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:40 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


I add all my spammers to my contact list as "Harris".
posted by sbutler at 10:44 PM on October 2, 2014 [3 favorites]


Seems like a pale imitation of the Cat Facts prank.
posted by webmutant at 10:52 PM on October 2, 2014 [12 favorites]


I would like to subscribe to naughty otters.
Your wish is granted
*ding*
posted by isopraxis at 11:11 PM on October 2, 2014 [12 favorites]


I laughed so hard my asthma kicked in. Funny stuff (otters, not asthma).
posted by persona au gratin at 11:32 PM on October 2, 2014 [2 favorites]


isopraxis owes me a coffee.
posted by Decani at 11:45 PM on October 2, 2014 [1 favorite]


Are there any un-sexy otters?
posted by maxwelton at 12:11 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


There's some un-un-un-sexy otters but they are actually sexy while they dance to the technos
posted by mannequito at 12:14 AM on October 3, 2014


There was in fact an Ugly Otter...a knotty problem that oughta shame naughty otters into accepting another's honour.
posted by salishsea at 12:21 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I love the NO = NO PROBLEM "glitch". It's realistic in its stupid annoyingnesss!
posted by Omnomnom at 12:39 AM on October 3, 2014 [6 favorites]


I add all my spammers to my contact list as "Harris".
posted by sbutler at 1:44 AM on October 3 [1 favorite +] [!]


B-b-but....
posted by JHarris at 1:03 AM on October 3, 2014 [11 favorites]


I ham interested in your product and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
posted by chavenet at 1:18 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


You are not real. I am not real.

"It's Spwinkwing!"
posted by leotrotsky at 2:00 AM on October 3, 2014 [10 favorites]


Ah, we are bequeathed the language of Chaucer and Milton and Shakespeare and end up with "go ham on your ass".

Also this is so fakey fake.
posted by sobarel at 2:05 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


Have you READ the Canterbury Tales?
posted by DoctorFedora at 2:19 AM on October 3, 2014 [20 favorites]


But with his mouth he went ham on hir ers
Ful savorly, er he were war of this.

posted by iotic at 2:27 AM on October 3, 2014 [35 favorites]


Go, Ham on your Ass, on pilgrimages.
posted by sobarel at 2:28 AM on October 3, 2014


Came for the snark, stayed for the Chaucer jokes.
posted by ninazer0 at 3:27 AM on October 3, 2014 [12 favorites]


Chaucer is Adam Sandler in the Renaissance. Look at all the merkins and farting!
posted by pxe2000 at 3:31 AM on October 3, 2014 [8 favorites]


‘Thou standest yet,’ quod she, ‘in swich array,
That of thy lyf yet hastow no suretee.
I grante thee lyf, if thou canst tellen me
What ham is it that wommen most desyren?
posted by pyramid termite at 4:07 AM on October 3, 2014 [12 favorites]


ZALGO
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 4:15 AM on October 3, 2014


Cat facts for those in the dark.
posted by urbanwhaleshark at 4:21 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


I read too much Metafilter, because I also felt for JHarris with the Harris spam call.
posted by bystander at 4:34 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]


This is like some guy telling you how he won an argument with the television one time.
posted by Segundus at 4:51 AM on October 3, 2014 [9 favorites]


Well, I have a series of wrong number texts sent to me a few months back that started with a long descriptive sext. Followed by a hilarious number of follow on texts of "oh shit, plus delete lol" and "STOP TXTING ME!".

My single line reply, every time: "Wrong number"

I never posted that to one of those wrong text sites.
posted by clvrmnky at 5:01 AM on October 3, 2014


This is like some guy telling you how he won an argument with the television one time.

/adds space on ammo belt, inserts
posted by yerfatma at 5:36 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


Also this is so fakey fake.

After years of trying to sort out the FACT/FICTION of things I find on the Internet, my new philosophy is to be deeply skeptical of anything that isn't totally inconsequential and/or amusing and to categorically believe everything that is. So far so good.
posted by echocollate at 5:42 AM on October 3, 2014 [7 favorites]


On the Internet, nobody knows you're a naughty otter.
posted by Chrysostom at 6:09 AM on October 3, 2014 [4 favorites]


I would like to key in haughty knotters please.
posted by Kabanos at 6:12 AM on October 3, 2014


I would like to key in haughty haughey knotters please.

FTFY
posted by tommasz at 6:23 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


Well, I have a series of wrong number texts sent to me a few months back that started with a long descriptive sext.

I received a few wrong-texts from someone who seemed to be involved in the recreational pharmaceutical trade. One about how he needed some somethingorothers and then another about how he got pulled over and had to eat the something. I occasionally worry that this dude got beat up or worse when someone higher up the food chain didn't get the message.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:36 AM on October 3, 2014


Metafilter: Look at all the merkins and farting!
posted by plinth at 6:37 AM on October 3, 2014 [2 favorites]


ah, the greatest Flynt Flossy lyric: She's got a sexy ham/go touch her sexy ham
posted by dismas at 6:39 AM on October 3, 2014


If MetaFilter allowed avatars on comments, I would totally be using that "sexy otter" picture. Maybe I will go put it on my Profile page for a while: I think using it on Facebook would confuse a lot of my relatives.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:55 AM on October 3, 2014


A sexy little otter.
posted by griphus at 7:04 AM on October 3, 2014


persona au gratin: I laughed so hard my asthma kicked in. Funny stuff (otters, not asthma).

IANAD, but I don't think it's asthma... I think the term is "naughty-otter-ic asphyxiation" (???). Not my cup of tea, but whatevs floats your boats.
posted by mean square error at 7:33 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


A dog that can cook is most certainly not naughty.
posted by dr_dank at 7:54 AM on October 3, 2014 [1 favorite]


Holy shit isopraxis: please tell me you had that bookmarked before you ever saw this thread as opposed to searching for it after. That is gold.
posted by dios at 8:47 AM on October 3, 2014


A dog that can cook is most certainly not naughty.

It is if it keeps burning the sausages.
posted by sobarel at 8:51 AM on October 3, 2014 [5 favorites]


Anyway, I believe the scammers machine-spam initial contact, and may handle the 1% or less that comes back personally. Makes sense if you think about it, the machine would just send a designated reply#2 which may or may not suit the response sent by the rube, so you just have to handle replies personally.
posted by Mister_A at 8:56 AM on October 3, 2014


Charge. Your. Phone!
posted by Splunge at 11:18 AM on October 4, 2014


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