"We're also thankful for Mississippi"
December 31, 2014 1:17 PM   Subscribe

 
YES one last regionally divisive post for 2014 i am excite
posted by poffin boffin at 1:22 PM on December 31, 2014 [16 favorites]


I want that 30 seconds of my life back
posted by Existential Dread at 1:25 PM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]


Florida

The United States neglected to read the contract carefully enough; Spain took the hills and mountains with them when they left.
posted by The Confessor at 1:26 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


As a former Delaware resident, I always liked their advertising slogan "Delaware: Close to where you want to be." Not only does it summarize one of Delaware's main appeals, but it acknowledges that you don't actually want to be in Delaware.

Also, I'm surprised that Colorado isn't just "Weed!!!"
posted by bibliowench at 1:26 PM on December 31, 2014 [14 favorites]


Also, I'm reminded of one of my favorite George Carlin bits about the range of state license plate mottos, from New Hampshire's "Live free or DIE!!!" to Idaho's "Famous Potatoes!"
posted by bibliowench at 1:28 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Quit yer bitchin', on most sites this would have been a click per page.

In fact on huffpo this would have been dangling below an almost perfectly unrelated article like a booger or dingleberry, and instead of state outlines it would have had stock photos, half the slogans would have been truncated due to bad CSS and lack of QA, and for some reason it would have caused your CPU cooler to roar up like a Pratt and Whitney turbofan.
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:30 PM on December 31, 2014 [54 favorites]


I want that 30 seconds of my life back

I don't if that means I have to relive it
posted by aubilenon at 1:31 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Idaho's didn't have enough white supremicism. Did get a laugh out of Nebraska's, though.
posted by NoxAeternum at 1:31 PM on December 31, 2014


Is there a spontaneous Unfunniest Link Contest happening today? Some kind of cathartic New Year's hack-writing purge?
posted by RogerB at 1:31 PM on December 31, 2014 [7 favorites]


As a former Delaware resident, I always liked their advertising slogan "Delaware: Close to where you want to be." Not only does it summarize one of Delaware's main appeals, but it acknowledges that you don't actually want to be in Delaware.


And the $4 charge to drive across the state shows that they're perfectly willing to take advantage of that fact. "Oh, you want to go from DC to New York? That'll be 33 cents per mile, please!"
posted by damayanti at 1:31 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


YES one last regionally divisive post for 2014 i am excite

Sort of... The thing is, it's an equal opportunity snark - no state is left out.

I laughed/cried at most of these.
posted by el io at 1:32 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


I have actually defined Connecticut to people as "you know that bit that you have to drive through to get from New York to Boston? That."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:33 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


I thought Delaware's main appeal was its lack of usury laws. A good slogan would be "Where your credit card statements come from."
posted by George_Spiggott at 1:34 PM on December 31, 2014 [6 favorites]


I think the real divisiveness comes in with the level of effort spent on insulting your state (as in, Florida actually did have a huge problem with "pill mill" pain clinics, vs most of the rest of the Deep South being relegated to some form of "herp derp Mississippi").
posted by indubitable at 1:39 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Washington, D.C.: Taxation Without Representation. Not Even on Year-End Listicles.
posted by argonauta at 1:40 PM on December 31, 2014 [29 favorites]


"Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru" is not Hawaiian.
posted by qi at 1:43 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


I refute it thus: meh
posted by Auden at 1:43 PM on December 31, 2014


"Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru" is not Hawaiian.

I think that's part of the joke. Mahalo!
posted by Nelson at 1:46 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


I am proud to note that Louisiana made the title. Also, Mardi Gras is February 17th.
posted by localroger at 1:50 PM on December 31, 2014


I have actually defined Connecticut to people as "you know that bit that you have to drive through to get from New York to Boston? That."

You'd think the traffic on either end of a drive from New York to Boston would be the problem, but no, Connecticut is there to make sure the traffic is miserable the entire trip.
posted by maryr at 2:00 PM on December 31, 2014 [14 favorites]


I was kind of hoping New York's would be more along the lines of, "Yes, we're actually an entire state. Surprise!"
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:02 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Wyoming's sentence was nicked from Wales.
posted by MartinWisse at 2:08 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


They missed an opportunity for NM by just making a Breaking Bad joke and not saying it's the best thing to happen to us since the atomic bomb
posted by NoraReed at 2:12 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


As a former Delaware resident, I always liked their advertising slogan "Delaware: Close to where you want to be."

Indiana proudly asserts that it is the Crossroads of America. Which means they admit that their sole function is to be in the way.
posted by Etrigan at 2:13 PM on December 31, 2014 [8 favorites]


I would like to change Vermont's to:

"Involuntarily American, since 1789."
posted by crazylegs at 2:15 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Florida- looks like a gun!
Utah-same as Kentucky, but only 10 sirnames-(pun)
California-abandon yer dreams in Barstow
Oregon-Helium is cheap!
Texas-the people of Walmart, and fire ants.
Arizona-get yer haboob job here!
Mississippi-One man, one tornado.
Alabama-Mississippi's kissing cousin.
Minnesota-near to absolute zero.
Tennessee-Ten was as high as they could count, it coulda been twenty-see?
posted by Oyéah at 2:19 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


South Carolina: "Too small to be a republic and too large to be an insane asylum."

Mr. Petigru nailed it over a hundred years ago.
posted by octobersurprise at 2:20 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Kind of disappointed Kansas didn't go with my suggestion..."Billiard table of the gods"
posted by Thorzdad at 2:22 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


I have a good head for geography but Nebraska is the one state where I can never picture exactly where it is. Until I look at a map I'm not even aware that there's a place for Nebraska to go.

One day I'll go to an ophthalmologist and they'll do a careful exam and tell me "we've found your blind spot and it's the exact shape of Nebraska."
posted by George_Spiggott at 2:24 PM on December 31, 2014 [11 favorites]


As a native Californian, I have to ask: What if doing porn is my dream?
posted by Parasite Unseen at 2:27 PM on December 31, 2014


I sort of love "where more things are legal and everything is damp" (although it does ignore the over-the-mountains side of the state.)
posted by epersonae at 2:27 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Well, I thought Alabama stole WV's line "thank god for Mississippi" on obesity, literacy, etc., but I'll take pepperoni rolls, and also Tudor's Biscuit World. Mmmm.
posted by Measured Out my Life in Coffeespoons at 2:31 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


YES one last regionally divisive post for 2014 i am excite

I AM EXCITE THAT YOU ARE EXCITE!
posted by Jacqueline at 2:31 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Wisconsin

We eat people.
posted by louche mustachio at 2:33 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Idaho-Ida is gone, we have a new ho now, Potat. Famous Potat-ho.
posted by Oyéah at 2:36 PM on December 31, 2014


Ohio? Sorry, don't get it.
posted by IndigoJones at 2:42 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


As a native Californian, I have to ask: What if doing porn is my dream?

I think you need to move to Las Vegas, at least if it's BDSM porn. Soon the infamous and hilarious San Francisco Armory tour may be showing mainly office space.
posted by localroger at 2:45 PM on December 31, 2014


In Soviet California, porn does you.
posted by I-Write-Essays at 2:57 PM on December 31, 2014


h/t to AskReddit and someecards

"h/t" = "I, Beth Buczynski, took content from here in order to monetize it for distractify.com"
posted by Greg Nog at 2:59 PM on December 31, 2014 [8 favorites]


Florida- looks like a gun penis!
posted by Talez at 3:07 PM on December 31, 2014


> "I, Beth Buczynski, took content from here in order to monetize it for distractify.com

She's probably a member of the r/KarmaConspiracy
posted by I-Write-Essays at 3:08 PM on December 31, 2014


Florida- looks like a gun penis!

Actually Florida is a hind leg. Louisiana is the penis, and we make America retromingent.
posted by localroger at 3:19 PM on December 31, 2014


California kind of looks like a "C," Texas kind of looks like a "t," and Louisiana kind of looks like an "L." Virginia and Vermont both kind of look like "V's," except you have to lay Virginia on its side. West Virginia has a bit of a "W" shape to it, and Florida's a bit like a cursive "F" written by a left-handed writer.

Illinois and Indiana are both more or less vaguely I-shaped, but if you don't know anything more about them, that's kind of like knowing that the twins are named Ed and Fred.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 3:30 PM on December 31, 2014


I enjoyed the ones in The Areas of My Expertise.
Pennsylvania: "Like the Sausage Known as 'Scrapple,' It Is Better That You Do Not Know What Goes Into Pennsylvania, But Instead Enjoy the Fatty, Sagey Whole."
Oregon: "In Oregon, Where the Shadows Lie"

Though it's the State Laws You Should Know About about from State By State With The State that are still the best.
Arkansas: Anybody claiming to be a Blondie fan and only owning their Greatest Hits record is decapitated in front of a throng of angry townspeople.
Wisconsin: Having disproportionately-large pectoral muscles is considered a felony in Wisconsin.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 3:36 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Connecticut: our actual motto is about conning people, but those were our glory days, and now we're just a lot of actuaries and Dress Barn sales clerks.
posted by zippy at 3:43 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


Ohio? Sorry, don't get it.

Swing state during presidential elections
posted by Mick at 3:44 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


That, plus of course the "tee hee hee nudge nudge wink wink" of, y'know, "swinging" . . . . . . (Ohio is not actually any sort of hot-bed of swinging or major swinging scandals, as far as I know.)

As an actual resident of the state, I gotta say that one's pretty lame.
posted by soundguy99 at 3:45 PM on December 31, 2014


In Michigan, car makes home of you.

Also, land of mittens!
posted by clavdivs at 3:46 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Alaska:

Imagine the most depressing place on earth, then take away the sun.
posted by weewooweewoo at 3:50 PM on December 31, 2014 [10 favorites]


Delaware: You'll get a speeding ticket on I-95 two hundred yards over the state line.
posted by scratch at 3:55 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


Connecticut: our actual motto is about conning people

Nutmeg state is not the official nickname of the state. Are you using a funny definition of "actual"?
posted by vibratory manner of working at 4:04 PM on December 31, 2014


Is part of the joke about Wyoming that they couldn't even come with an original joke for the state?
posted by Joey Michaels at 4:08 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Illinois: Chicago and ... some other places. Downstate. No, I've never been there, I vacation in Door County!

Indiana's could also be "Local government revenue comes entirely from ticketing FIBs. Drive fast, now, y'hear?"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:21 PM on December 31, 2014


Sound guy, I'll give you a better one:

"Ohio: North until you smell it, east until you step in it."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:23 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Having lived in Arkansas for a few years, I came up with a new state motto some time ago:

"Arkansas: where the drug use is serious, and the racism casual."

(Note: Arkansas used to be "the bear state" but then they decimated the black bear population. It is now "the natural state." Whatever that means.)
posted by toofuture at 4:39 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Ms. madcaptenor is from Arkansas. I'm pretty sure she's thankful for Mississippi. (Although we live in Atlanta now, and drove a round-trip to Arkansas for Christmas. I'm not thankful for Mississippi; I would have rather teleported across it.)
posted by madcaptenor at 4:48 PM on December 31, 2014


I like how every other state just sounds sheepish and sort of embarassed of itself, but Colorado comes off as exceptionally proud that people get sick when they first visit it.
posted by heurtebise at 4:55 PM on December 31, 2014


I guess Oregon wins? Their "burn" is about something that would have happened over a century ago, and in other places on the way there.

Virginia's is my favorite, even if it only addresses NoVa.
posted by psoas at 5:39 PM on December 31, 2014


Connecticut is the state with traffic so bad that it's worth taking the New York Thruway to MA to avoid driving in.
posted by octothorpe at 5:43 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


Colorado: I'm here now, state's full.
posted by underflow at 5:44 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


I had to change Missouri's to "We've got meth!"
posted by sourwookie at 5:56 PM on December 31, 2014


New Mexico: carpe mañana
posted by Killick at 6:51 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]


I laughed at the Missouri one, possibly because it took me a couple of seconds to get it.
posted by kyrademon at 6:53 PM on December 31, 2014


They got Texas right.
posted by Renoroc at 7:03 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]


Massachusetts: "Bang a Louie Wheah the Stah Mahket Used ta Be."
posted by adamg at 7:07 PM on December 31, 2014 [4 favorites]


As a Kentucky resident, the fifteen last names bit isn't that far off. There are some surnames that you just keep running into, again and again, depending on the part of the state you're in:

Ballard
Bell
Boone
Breathitt
Butler
Campbell
Carroll
Clark
Clay
Fletcher
Floyd
Garrard
Grayson
Green
Greenup
Harlan
Harrison
Henderson
Henry
Hopkins
Jackson
Johnson
Kenton
Lally
Lee
Letcher
Magoffin
Mattingly
Metcalfe
Monroe
Nelson
Owsley
Perry
Powell
Russell
Scott
Shelby
Sizemore
Speed
Spencer
Taylor
Todd

Obviously, some of these names are common wherever you go in the English-speaking world (Johnson, Clark, Taylor, Campbell, etc.), but as you travel through Kentucky you just hit these...clusters, these motherlodes of Sizemores in one county, or Breathitts in another county, or Shelbys in yet another part of the state. Like, as you walk down the street, every third or fourth person will have the surname Magoffin; they'll all be related, and they'll all be able to tell you how they're related. And their surnames will be on twenty to thirty percent of the small businesses and street signs, too.

If your family is in the state long enough, you'll inevitably wind up related to one of these clans. I know for a fact that both myself and Muhammad Ali are related via the Clays.

I assume this phenomenon isn't limited to Kentucky, natch, but some days it does seem very...peculiar to the commonwealth.
posted by magstheaxe at 7:22 PM on December 31, 2014 [3 favorites]


The Oregon line is probably not by a resident.... it's just a tired retread of the obligatory "Oregon Trail" references.

I'd suggest: "Oregon: 6 miles of hipsters, 60 miles of hippies, 600 miles of hicks."

Basis: Portland resident 1997-2012, visited most of Oregon except during the Southwestern deserts beyond Bend during that period.
posted by LeRoienJaune at 9:56 PM on December 31, 2014 [5 favorites]


Kansas had fewer tornadoes in 2014 than it has since 1989. I think we should go with the popular "Kansas: As Bigoted as You Think."

Also, TIL pepperoni rolls are a thing. I'm no baker, but I've bookmarked a recipe to try. Thank you, West Virginia.
posted by bryon at 10:40 PM on December 31, 2014


As a native Ohio-an, this is still my favorite Ohio meme. I miss my family and friends that still live there, but every time I visit I feel like I'll never be able to leave.
posted by longdaysjourney at 11:35 PM on December 31, 2014


Massachusetts: "Bang a Louie Wheah the Stah Mahket Used ta Be."

Oooh, so close, but a looey is not banged. It's what you left in the Stah Mahket pahking lot after making that disgusting throat-clearing noise. What you bang is a yooey.*


* As named and executed by Denis Leary in Two if by Sea, the movie with examples of the best and worst MA accents by its leads.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 1:01 AM on January 1, 2015


Louisiana is the penis

Hence the most wonderful (albeit short-lived) state motto ever, "Louisiana, a State of Excitement."

I actually doubted myself on this one... did we just make that up? But, no, the comment by Diane on this page confirms my memory. My suggestion for a new penis-friendly state motto was rejected for being too long (!), "Louisiana, We Put The 'Eros' in Coastline Erosion"
posted by taz at 2:07 AM on January 1, 2015 [5 favorites]


vibratory manner of working: Connecticut actually does have two state nicknames --- one is Nutmeg State, and the other Constitution State; Connecticut is the only state in the country with two. Constitution State because it had the first constitution in the colonies; Nutmeg State because Connecticut is where a lot of the old wandering peddlers came from..... they'd buy nutmegs off the old sailing ships that docked in New England, and sell them all over the place.

The tricky part is, in winter when they spent the coldest months holed up at home? They'd carve their own fake nutmegs out of any old local wood they had on hand, and sell those (as well as the real nutmegs) in their door-to-door travels, then they'd quickly move on to the next homestead before the fraud was discovered --- so the state's second nickname is a nod to the, ahem, hard-driving bargains of our hearty colonial forebears.

God bless my birth state and ye olde honest yeomen!
posted by easily confused at 5:38 AM on January 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


I would like to change Vermont's to:

"Involuntarily American, since 1789."


I always imagine Vermont as kind of put out that Texas is always going on about how it was its own country, but you're only going to hear of the Vermont Republic if you're in Vermont.
posted by hoyland at 6:09 AM on January 1, 2015


These were all pretty good. I was wondering what Virginia's would be: absolutely nailed it!
posted by apartment dweller at 6:20 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


When I lived in Minnesota back in 1990, then Governor Rudy Perpich decided to declare Minnesota as the "Brainpower State". He put the new slogan on the "Entering Minnesota" signs along the highways. It caused quite a controversy. Many thought it was extremely arrogant....sort of like telling visitors driving in: "you are too dumb to live here". The project was abandoned. That was at a point when Minnesota seemed to be having a cultural crisis of confidence, desperately seeking attention and recognition from the coasts. I hope they got over that.
posted by Seymour Zamboni at 6:53 AM on January 1, 2015


Nebraska: Our state motto is "Equality before the law"; will race to be the last state with gay marriage.
posted by maxsparber at 6:54 AM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Minnesota: We've started to develop a weird regional pride inspired by the writing of Howard Mohr, and so now actually talk like that, eat hotdish, and dress like the Twin Peaks fashion show.
posted by maxsparber at 6:57 AM on January 1, 2015


California: A long history of fucking each over to make sure our particular impossible desert city has enough water.
posted by maxsparber at 6:59 AM on January 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


The goal of Delaware is to make other people pay our taxes.
posted by interplanetjanet at 7:00 AM on January 1, 2015


Louisiana: Where the very poor, the very racist, and the very drunk make the best food and music you've ever experienced.
posted by maxsparber at 7:01 AM on January 1, 2015 [8 favorites]


I think that's every state I've lived in for any length of time.
posted by maxsparber at 7:03 AM on January 1, 2015


I would like to change Vermont's to:

"Involuntarily American, since 1789."


1791, thankyouverymuch.
posted by maryr at 9:52 AM on January 1, 2015


"In Michigan, car makes home of you.

Also, land of mittens!
"

Michigan: The handjob of states.
posted by klangklangston at 12:31 PM on January 1, 2015


A very popular radio show, and crew hit the curb, one week after starting their, "Welcome to Utah, come swim in our shallow gene pool," campaign, back in the nineties. Now the official state slogan is,"Life Elevated," which I think would be a better fit for Colorado.
posted by Oyéah at 1:04 PM on January 1, 2015


The basis for the line was Governor Palin's 11 September 2008 appearance on ABC News, her first major interview after being tapped as the vice-presidential nominee. During that appearance, interviewer Charles Gibson asked her what insight she had gained from living so close to Russia, and she responded: "They're our next-door neighbors, and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska"

http://www.snopes.com/politics/palin/russia.asp#AufUce5mXxr4y68F.99
posted by otto42 at 1:29 PM on January 1, 2015


I am here to confirm that yes, every single last damned non-resident joke about Colorado relates to getting high. In the years before legal weed it was related to the coke culture in ski resort country, now it's pot, and generally spoken it's double entendres about the, you know, altitude.

as a former resident I can confirm that Ohio is merely lame hence the lack of effort on its behalf.

as a cyclist who's suffered through it, I can tell you that Kansas is not actually flat in any way shape or form.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:59 PM on January 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


A Dan Quayle joke in 2014? Really?
posted by Pope Guilty at 4:07 PM on January 1, 2015


You say potato ...
posted by maxsparber at 4:10 PM on January 1, 2015


toofuture's link asked if there is a succinct name for a citizen of Arkansas using the official pronunciation of the state's name. There is indeed, and it is "Arkansawyer". As in "All us Arkansawyers are hillbillies."

Arkansan is what people use in some lame attempt to seem to be somehow cultured, much like Kansans call the Arkansas River the Ar-KANSAS River in some lame attempt to seem more relevant.
posted by wierdo at 8:12 PM on January 1, 2015


Shouldn't this have been in alphabetical order? It seems to be close but not exactly alphabetical.

As for MN, it's passive/aggressive with a vengeance. The only thing that might have changed in the past century is how widespread the sharp accent is these days.
posted by ZeusHumms at 6:57 AM on January 2, 2015


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