submitted 2 months late, one letter grade off.

March 24, 2015 10:31 PM

This State of the Union address will address the union about the state of the economy, foreign policy, and the general state of this country.
posted by So You're Saying These Are Pants? (13 comments total)

"Since the beginning of time, man has acquired money..."

I believe this is the origin of the cogimon, "honey".
posted by clavdivs at 10:43 PM on March 24, 2015

"If the State of the Union Address Were Written the Night Before by a High-School Sophomore."

Or, from a lot of my peer-editing experiences, a college sophomore.
posted by ourt at 10:45 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Ladies and gentlemen, Webster's Dictionary defines "union" as "an organization of workers formed to protect the rights and interests of its members." After careful study of the nation's most relevant Wikipedia pages, I can confidently say that the state of the union is New York.
posted by Rhaomi at 11:17 PM on March 24, 2015

It left out "In conclusion, Anerica is a land of contrasts."

For some reason the fact that every State of the Union sounds about as interesting and factual as this made it not funny to me. But not in that "It's funny cuz it's true" "laugh about it or cry about it" kind of way. More like in "old media institution not nailing the style" kind of way.
posted by bleep at 11:17 PM on March 24, 2015

So jobs, fighting terrorism, more Jamal Crawford and less Canada? I'm glad I voted for this guy.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:31 PM on March 24, 2015

I'm a community college speech instructor. Welcome to the world I live in every day!
posted by Pater Aletheias at 2:29 AM on March 25, 2015 [7 favorites]

Ctrl-F "in today's society"
No? feh.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 4:19 AM on March 25, 2015

Webster's Dictionary defines

Hnnnngh. You just gave me horrible flashbacks to every single awkward high school student council campaign speech I was ever forced to sit through. If it wasn't the dictionary definition opening, it was the inspirational quote one. Decades later, I'm still annoyed about it.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 4:36 AM on March 25, 2015

"If it wasn't the dictionary definition opening, it was the inspirational quote one... posted by Mr. Bad Example"

The Metafilter.com wiki defines eponsysterical as...
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:11 AM on March 25, 2015 [6 favorites]

I love this sentence: "But other countries are more dubious about America, mostly due to the fact of terrorism." Causality statements making a muddle of why-this-is-true vs. how-we-know-this-is-true is spot on parody.
posted by nobody at 5:51 AM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

If the State of the Union Response Were Written the Night Before by a High-School Sophomore:

I'm not doing this assignment, sorry. I've got practice. Don't you know we're up for State? You don't want us to lose, do you? Besides, my Dad's on the School Board. He's your Boss.

GO EAGLES!
posted by leotrotsky at 6:17 AM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]

I ran it through a plagiarism detector and surprisingly there was very little other than the original article and their twitter feed. This may pretend to be an academic paper for a high school student, but there is too little unattributed work embedded in it to be an academic paper...
posted by Nanukthedog at 7:04 AM on March 25, 2015 [3 favorites]

This reminds me of about 50 extemporaneous speeches by state legislators in the Capitol in America's Wang: The Climate Denial State (TM) that I've heard in the last few weeks since legislative session started.
posted by Cookiebastard at 9:30 AM on March 25, 2015 [1 favorite]