Dead Malls Make Excellent ReEducation Camps
May 14, 2015 10:11 AM   Subscribe

"To spell out the law of the land in the dead language of your time: on a Letterman Top Ten list of this situation, we are all number one, and you are numbers two through ten. The fleek have inherited the earth." -- A Millennial Revenge Fantasy ( The Hairpin)
posted by The Whelk (134 comments total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
This comment thread will crest 300
posted by hellojed at 10:15 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


This is terrible and dumb and yet I laughed out loud.

Twerking beside an effigy of Reagan.
posted by GuyZero at 10:15 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Yes, but what books do I have on my shelf?
posted by gwint at 10:15 AM on May 14, 2015 [8 favorites]


"yolo" whispers the old as he plays Creedence Clearwater Revival on his Bose bluetooth speaker, running through the single source sustainably harvested crowd

As somebody who helped pioneer "old" as a noun, I'm pretty happy with this article.
posted by boo_radley at 10:16 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


(holds hand up nervously) Are Generation X and Y to be tortured as well?
posted by infinitewindow at 10:17 AM on May 14, 2015 [18 favorites]


thats a torturin'
posted by boo_radley at 10:18 AM on May 14, 2015 [7 favorites]


Ha! All you'd need to take down this little millennial cabal is a test tube full of measles.
posted by Behemoth at 10:22 AM on May 14, 2015 [46 favorites]


Jamie Lauren Keiles is the last enthusiastic person in New York.

Literally?
posted by thelonius at 10:22 AM on May 14, 2015


Well, we are responsible for Tori Amos. Everything else seems to be Boomer-related.

I was kinda wondering if the Foo Fighters or Jack White would be on the list too, but the kids seem cool with that, so...
posted by bonehead at 10:23 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Gen X is allowed so long as they apologize for what they did to SF and get on with our rediscovery of 90s hip-hop
posted by The Whelk at 10:29 AM on May 14, 2015 [9 favorites]


Well, we are responsible for Tori Amos.

And I have lots of shame about it. Amanda Palmer's on you guys, though.
posted by thivaia at 10:30 AM on May 14, 2015 [13 favorites]


Gen X is allowed so long as they apologize for what they did to SF

The city or the genre?

Hell, why not both.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 10:30 AM on May 14, 2015 [16 favorites]


WE DID ONLY GOOD THINGS TO SCIENCE FICTION. I WILL NEVER APOLOGIZE, EVEN IF YOU MAKE ME PLAY STUPID PHONE-BASED GAMES.

San Francisco, though - believe me, I regret it as much as you and possibly more since I remember what it once was.
posted by Frowner at 10:32 AM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


Gen X is allowed as long as they limit their 'what about generation x' grousing to one per month.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 10:33 AM on May 14, 2015 [22 favorites]


To be clear, I'm not actually ashamed of Tori Amos nostalgia either. I will go to my cell, as long as I can bring my Lilith Fair merch.
posted by bonehead at 10:34 AM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


and I already used up this month. typical
posted by infinitewindow at 10:35 AM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


Well, we are responsible for Tori Amos.

And I have lots of shame about it. Amanda Palmer's on you guys, though.


Wait, wait, wait, wait ... guys. I think I have a loophole.

Let's pin them both on Neil Gaiman.
posted by Myca at 10:35 AM on May 14, 2015 [34 favorites]


In the grim millennial future is is only one direction
posted by The Whelk at 10:38 AM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


As a gesture of reconciliation, we will stop talking about cartoons from the mid to late 90s as if they where any good.
posted by The Whelk at 10:39 AM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]




The Millennials hadn't yet found his iPod Shuffle, the one he'd hidden in one of the last boxes of unlubricated condoms after Obama pulled them from the shelves. "It's still full of good stuff, U2 and Aerosmith, and a few Sammy Hagar tracks." He knew it would be safe there.

Ed tried to snooze through the morning propaganda hour, shouted over the old mall loudspeakers by Soraya Sarhaddi Nelson and Mallory Ortberg, who DJed from the new nation's capital in Portland. It's been almost a year since he's had a good night's sleep, working the night shift as an online tech support agent. Most of the clients were Olds like him, who just needed someone to explain how to switch their Glasses into bifocal mode. That whole 'gesture-command' thing doesn't make sense anyway, he'd say. Just follow what I do.

His wife, Karen was a barista, or that's what her nametag said. She'd been hired through the government jobs program that replaced Social Security— the New New Deal had taken it away along with the collapse and restructuring of the biggest banks and corporations. There was still Apple Bank, but unless you'd joined back when iPhones were handheld, your fees were insane.

They hadn't spoken to their daughters in months— Nell was an engineer for Burning Man, and Sofia worked in Portland doing some government stuff she couldn't talk about. That usually meant the NSA, who had the tireless job of scouring the internet for outposts of the Tea Party, Westboro, and other domestic terrorists. Ed worried about her sometimes; when things got heated in some of the more troubled cities like Baltimore, they'd send in the NSA teams to smoke out the dissent. At least they had the power to deal with it now, unlike the time before when it was just ten thousand hashtags shouting in silence.
posted by a halcyon day at 10:50 AM on May 14, 2015 [40 favorites]


I am 26 and what is this
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 10:54 AM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


All I can say is, just wait til your kids grow up, kids.
posted by Thorzdad at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2015 [7 favorites]


Generational enmity shall be resolved by a vigorous game of Trivial Pursuit Genus Edition. Good luck, kids.
posted by echocollate at 10:56 AM on May 14, 2015 [11 favorites]


Silly Milly--French Toast Crunch has been back on the market for about 6 months now.
posted by sourwookie at 10:57 AM on May 14, 2015


It is tweeted that the favored pastime of the Olds is watching scheduled programming on CRT televisions in houses built upon land that they own outright; how can one reeducate a consciousness as alien as that
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:00 AM on May 14, 2015 [42 favorites]


As a gesture of reconciliation, we will stop talking about cartoons from the mid to late 90s as if they where any good.

I assume that Batman: The Animated Series and all of the Genndy Tartokovsky/Craig McCracken/Mike Lazzo-affiliated Cartoon Network programs are the exceptions that prove the rule here? Because they totally were, and still are. Clap me in chains if I'm wrong.
posted by Strange Interlude at 11:01 AM on May 14, 2015 [10 favorites]


So "fleek" is a noun now?
posted by fuse theorem at 11:05 AM on May 14, 2015


The Millennials

Never has a generation so deserved high-waisted acid-washed jeans.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:08 AM on May 14, 2015 [7 favorites]


So "fleek" is a noun now?

It's written as "the fleek", as in "the hungry" or "the young".
posted by JauntyFedora at 11:09 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Tori Amos is disdained Parental Rock now? Hard to think of those times I saw her in the 90's and realizing that beautiful and idealistic young audience are now all being cynical parents working some soulless cubicle existence. And their idealistic millennial children want to reward them with a hellish vaporwave concentration camp, with Tori Amos as one of the alleged crimes? Cycle of life, I guess.

So what crime(s) will cause the children of millenials to string up their parents with nooses made of Apple watches tied to scaffolds made of selfie sticks?
posted by honestcoyote at 11:11 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Never has a generation so deserved high-waisted acid-washed jeans.

Some of us Millennials experienced those the first time around. (Yes, do the math while I cackle evilly at your slightly-more-imminent-than-mine demise.)
posted by Sys Rq at 11:16 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


P. sure in the dystopian hellworld of the near future, the children of millenials will just be straight up literally eating their parents, & possibly resenting being exposed on social media so much
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:16 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


As a gesture of reconciliation, we will stop talking about cartoons from the mid to late 90s as if they where any good.

Uh, what about The Simpsons? The mid to late 90s was during seasons 4-9 too, widely considered to be the best seasons.
posted by FJT at 11:18 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Jamie Lauren Keiles is the last enthusiastic person in New York.

What? They ran out of crack, coke, meth, Diet Coke, coffee, in NYC?
posted by Oyéah at 11:18 AM on May 14, 2015


Is this where we split into two camps that war in the virtual, with increasing contamination of meatspace, as to whether this fictitious hell should exist?
posted by Slackermagee at 11:23 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Simpsons are allowed but positive discussion any and all NickToons are grounds for a public shaming
posted by The Whelk at 11:33 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Is this where we start arguing whether people born in the early 60s are Boomers or not?

because they're not
posted by gimonca at 11:33 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


The Whelk: "Gen X is allowed so long as they apologize for what they did to SF and get on with our rediscovery of 90s hip-hop"

Umm - I've always been on with the discovery (notice I didn't say "RE") of 90s hip-hop. Does that mean I'm not allowed since I snarked about it? (tail-of-GenX kid here, you know the ones that aren't fully GenX, but neither whatever is after that (Y?)) And if it takes me apologizing for the gentrification of SF and now parts of Oakland, I will gladly do it. Just let me in on the reveeeeeeeeeenge!
posted by symbioid at 11:35 AM on May 14, 2015


I'm a little confused about the Presidential Physical Fitness Test, since that was around in 1980.
posted by grumpybear69 at 11:37 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


So what crime(s) will cause the children of millenials to string up their parents with nooses made of Apple watches tied to scaffolds made of selfie sticks?

Ukeleles and artisinal graham crackers? Or maybe just Cory Doctorow?
posted by Thorzdad at 11:37 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


The Simpsons are allowed but positive discussion any and all NickToons are grounds for a public shaming

Okay, but do we have to humor the Boomers when they start speaking fondly of Hanna-Barbera cartoons? I mean, aren't most of their characters just an animal with a tie and a hat (Wally Gator, Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear, Top Cat)?
posted by FJT at 11:37 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


It just occurred to me that Liz Phair is now also mom rock. This has gotta be confusing for somebody.
posted by echocollate at 11:41 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


The Simpsons are allowed

What about Duckman? And The Critic? And Daria? And Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist?
posted by octobersurprise at 11:41 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


Okay, but do we have to humor the Boomers when they start speaking fondly of Hanna-Barbera cartoons? I mean, aren't most of their characters just an animal with a tie and a hat (Wally Gator, Huckleberry Hound, Yogi Bear, Top Cat)?

Um...Do the names Flintstone and Jetson ring any bells?
posted by Thorzdad at 11:41 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


No we never have to humor the boomers ever again, that's what this violent uprising it's all about.
posted by The Whelk at 11:41 AM on May 14, 2015 [8 favorites]


we must feast upon their wizened flesh
posted by poffin boffin at 11:44 AM on May 14, 2015


Oh heck yeah, this is my kind of revolution. Let's make all the boomers work 60 hours a week in fast food jobs without benefits, and make them take time out of every day to administer standardized tests to turtles, and then tie their pay to the turtles' performance metrics!
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 11:45 AM on May 14, 2015 [15 favorites]


This is one of the only Millienial-y articles I can sort of identify with, and mainly because I wanted Lunchables and hated the presidential fitness test.

As part of the weird micro-non-generation-generation alternately classified as the very youngest of Gen X and the very oldest of Millenials (79ish-82ish, about), usually articles about any generation make me feel left out, like a person born on February 29th reading an article about birthdays. everyone else has a generation, dammit!
posted by millipede at 11:47 AM on May 14, 2015 [12 favorites]


it has to be 39.9999999999h/week on the books so they don't qualify for benefits and an additional 20h of uncompensated work. also sometimes it is 38h in a row followed by 3 hours off the clock and 1h back on, and their houses are exactly 90 minutes away by public transpo.
posted by poffin boffin at 11:47 AM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


on a Letterman Top Ten list of this situation, we are all number one, and you are numbers two through ten.

Joke's on you, millennials. The olds know that the best item on the Top Ten list is always placed at #3 or #2.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 11:49 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


when they start speaking fondly of Hanna-Barbera cartoons?

Interestingly, the connection between Hanna-Barbera and Balthus is the Anglo-American rocker Vince Taylor who was Joe Barbera's brother-in-law and Balthus' son's bandmate.
posted by octobersurprise at 11:49 AM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


There are always revenge, early teen pictures on social media sites. I was careful to take pictures of my millenial nestlings, dirty from playing in the dirt, and crying. There were some BAD haircuts. If your millenial children are too nearby and rubbing in, their six figure incomes, you can always just talk with their SOs once, maybe twice, that should do it.
posted by Oyéah at 11:49 AM on May 14, 2015


everyone else has a generation, dammit!

Oh quit whining. The whole conceit of Gen X was that we didn't have an identity ('X', get it?).
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 11:52 AM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Oh quit whining. The whole conceit of Gen X was that we didn't have an identity ('X', get it?).

You misinterpret me, perhaps purposefully.
posted by millipede at 11:54 AM on May 14, 2015


But you had zines
posted by The Whelk at 11:57 AM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


OK, Millennials. I want to see a death-camp bus parked in my driveway when I get home. Put up or shut up.
posted by echocollate at 11:58 AM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


No we never have to humor the boomers ever again, that's what this violent uprising it's all about.

Oh? Then shit yeah, I'm all for it. Not sure where my local SJW camp is at so I'll just turn myself in to the first twentysomething I see wearing skinny jeans.

(are those still a thing? I am aging rapidly.)

As part of the weird micro-non-generation-generation alternately classified as the very youngest of Gen X and the very oldest of Millenials (79ish-82ish, about), usually articles about any generation make me feel left out,

79 here, I know this feel. I kinda dig the mid thirties PoV though - not young anymore, not old yet. You get to be mad judgmental in both directions, it rules. We're gonna be grim when we go grey, though. I can already hear it when my peers complain about "hipsters." I am comforted somewhat, however, that those backwards shitbag pricks who today complain about "SJWs" will soon be bloated, embarrassing, holiday dinner ruining uncles. Their nieces and nephews will mock them on their holophones. They'll get posted to Spacebook sounding dumb as shit and won't even know it. Can't wait.
posted by EatTheWeak at 11:59 AM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


All I can say is, just wait til your kids grow up, kids.

>>implying we'll ever be able to afford it and/or would choose to bring children into the world knowing they'd likely die in the Global Warming Riotornadocane of '47
posted by kagredon at 12:03 PM on May 14, 2015 [16 favorites]


"Humor the Boomers" sublime rhyme, gets me every time, "Hang the Millenials from nearest greased finial, let them climb that ladder to the things that matter, macciato glitter nails, and side parked pony tails, trails of faces, faces, faces, no, yes, yes, yes, bye-gum by golly, itsy bitsy teenie weenie, designer martini going down in some fleek, yet tired twerking ground.

A movie I'll never watch in reruns, reality's sickening crunch of realization, deja vu, I see you!

Love you sweetie-Love you too!
posted by Oyéah at 12:03 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


OK, Millennials. I want to see a death-camp bus parked in my driveway when I get home. Put up or shut up.

What is a "bus"? Is that like an uber?
posted by Sys Rq at 12:05 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


It's self driving duh
posted by The Whelk at 12:16 PM on May 14, 2015


Is this where we start arguing whether people born in the early 60s are Boomers or not?

because they're not


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha......................................................................
posted by y2karl at 12:21 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I expect the Time Life Golden Age of Gaming collections to be especially bleak. Ads like this, except for huge boxes of reissued PS2 titles.
posted by EatTheWeak at 12:22 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


prize bull octorok: "It is tweeted that the favored pastime of the Olds is watching scheduled programming on CRT televisions in houses built upon land that they own outright; how can one reeducate a consciousness as alien as that"

(nods) It is tweeted.
posted by boo_radley at 12:24 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


Let's have the locks on the boomer prison camp doors be computerized -- instead of entering a passcode, you'll need to install an unfamiliar printer in a windows OS environment to open the gate.
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 12:25 PM on May 14, 2015 [10 favorites]


"Thus ends the service, May you be reblogged."
posted by The Whelk at 12:26 PM on May 14, 2015 [5 favorites]


In my day, wine was sold at stores, for money.
posted by thelonius at 12:31 PM on May 14, 2015


instead of entering a passcode, you'll need to install an unfamiliar printer in a windows OS environment to open the gate.

IRQ and COM switches.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 12:32 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


my top ten list for the millennials -

1 quit
2 whining
3 and
4 get
5 off
6 my
7 damned
8 lawn
9 snot
10 nose
posted by pyramid termite at 12:36 PM on May 14, 2015


And they have to do it in Internet dialect.

Because reasons.
posted by Tevin at 12:36 PM on May 14, 2015


Your lawn seriously needs to move to Xeriscaping cause ....it's never raining here ever again thanks again for that.
posted by The Whelk at 12:38 PM on May 14, 2015 [13 favorites]


Tori Amos is disdained Parental Rock now?

Little Earthquakes is older than many kids with a Master's degree.

Rose Walker is probably worried about how to pay for her baby's college tuition.
posted by bonehead at 12:42 PM on May 14, 2015


1 then
2 how
3 do
4 you
5 propose
6 I
7 should
8 mow
9 it
10 sir
posted by Sys Rq at 12:45 PM on May 14, 2015 [7 favorites]


Today's nostalgic sad dad music is all surprisingly aggressive/heavy 90s cuts, your NIN playing at the McDonalds kinda thing.
posted by The Whelk at 12:45 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


i got 25 bucks and a cracker do you think it's enough
to live on during this 8-week unpaid internship
posted by kagredon at 12:47 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'm not going to Dorian Grey my way out of this am I.
posted by echocollate at 12:48 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


You have to murder a few artists first.
posted by The Whelk at 12:50 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Today's nostalgic sad dad music is all surprisingly aggressive/heavy 90s cuts, your NIN playing at the McDonalds kinda thing.

My local Meijer big-box regularly plays Talking Heads, Ramones, Clash, Devo, etc. It's really fucking odd. No NIN yet, though.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:52 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


My local big grocery store plays 80s hits sometimes.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 12:56 PM on May 14, 2015


i heard nirvana's "come as you are" on an easy listening station a few years ago and i have avoided all things radio ever since.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:58 PM on May 14, 2015


My local big grocery store plays 80s hits sometimes.

So when I finally heard Blue Monday at my local grocery store it was definitely the moment I became teh oldz.

I also recently heard Echo & The Bunnymen as background music... at an airport. Which really stunned me because they weren't even popular when they were popular.

I can only assume that whatever megacorp provides these canned music streams is now run by disaffected gen x'ers who are finally showing everyone how awesome their music taste in high school really was.
posted by GuyZero at 1:00 PM on May 14, 2015 [11 favorites]


The ones I heard were more popular… Cyndi Lauper, Eurythmics, etc.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 1:03 PM on May 14, 2015


Man, airport music is a total wildcard. I heard "Alpha and Omega" by Boards of Canada in an airport in Sarasota, Florida. Anything can happen in an airport.
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 1:04 PM on May 14, 2015 [10 favorites]


my favorite airport music synergy was when I heard "Recycled Air" at Sea-Tac, having just flown in from Eastern Washington.
posted by kagredon at 1:06 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


All muzak services had their signals hijacked by a lone pirate radio DJ 7 years ago and nobody at the muzak companies or their clients noticed because they weren't paying attention to the music anyways.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:08 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Man, airport music is a total wildcard.

Buffalo-Niagara Int'l is always playing the Goo-Goo Dolls. Not exclusively, but very, very heavily in the mix. Since I noticed this trend - about 8 years ago - I have never been wrong. Not once. Every time I'm there, and I'm there approx 6 times/year, I hear a Goo-Goo Dolls song.
posted by everybody had matching towels at 1:09 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


If "Iris" isn't played in Buffalo-Niagara at least once an hour the seal will be broken and Yttraxius the Unfolding Star-Wolf, fifth of His name and Lord of the Infinite Malaise will slip his chains and devour the sun so it's an okay trade off.
posted by jason_steakums at 1:16 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


Still beats living in North Tonawanda.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:21 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


it's not Yttraxius's fault, okay, He didn't ask to be born into an 11th dimensional hellscape where the only star available for eating was some puny yellow dwarf. He just wants you to know who He is
posted by kagredon at 1:24 PM on May 14, 2015 [2 favorites]


Nobody has said it yet?

I for one welcome our new millennial overlords. But then, being from 1979, I'm basically a millennial with a side of gen-X cynicism.
posted by shponglespore at 1:31 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


If "Iris" isn't played in Buffalo-Niagara at least once an hour the seal will be broken...

and there will be a garage fire in Cheektowaga.

So it seems like it's already too late.
posted by GuyZero at 1:36 PM on May 14, 2015


I've never heard Music for Airports in an airport.
posted by bonehead at 2:15 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


I often listen to Music for Airports in airports (headphones, of course). It's good, but not as good as The Campfire Headphase or Eingya.
posted by a halcyon day at 2:23 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


I also recently heard Echo & The Bunnymen as background music... at an airport.

Likewise, at a grocery store in Minneapolis.

There's a relatively upscale wine/liquor store downtown that at times has played 'The Current' (public radio alt-radio) as background music. Bit odd to be passing by the expensive Burgundies and have Devo's "Uncontrollable Urge" come over the speakers.
posted by gimonca at 2:27 PM on May 14, 2015


Fun fact from the future, it turns out this article is actually a pitch for third Paul Blart movie and it's basically universally hailed as the spiritual successor to Die Hard.
posted by jason_steakums at 2:35 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


Now I kinda want to wander through an airport blasting 'Music for Airports' from a bluetooth speaker. Or maybe The Black Dog's 'Music for Real Airports'.

I'm flying home tomorrow; sadly my bluetooth speaker is one of the many things I left there when I went on this trip. Next time.
posted by egypturnash at 3:33 PM on May 14, 2015


Anything can happen in an airport.

yes, sometimes the planes actually take off
posted by pyramid termite at 3:59 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


1 i
2 just
3 bought
4 a
5 robot
6 to
7 mow
8 my
9 lawn
10 bye
posted by pyramid termite at 4:01 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


1 One
2 Two
3 Three
4 Four
5 Five
6 Six
7 Seven
8 Eight
9 Nine
10 Ten

d- ... did I do it right?
posted by One Second Before Awakening at 4:15 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Oh quit whining. The whole conceit of Gen X was that we didn't have an identity ('X', get it?).

Meh.
posted by MikeMc at 4:19 PM on May 14, 2015


Gen X had no identity, so they built one IN A CAVE! WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!
posted by jason_steakums at 4:20 PM on May 14, 2015 [6 favorites]


I'm not going to Dorian Grey my way out of this am I.

On the internet no one knows that the effects of age and hedonism are being played out on an oil painting rather than upon your angelic visage.

Unless you're Paul Rudd, in which case it's pretty effing obvious.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:24 PM on May 14, 2015


Fun fact from the future, it turns out this article is actually a pitch for third Paul Blart movie and it's basically universally hailed as the spiritual successor to Die Hard.

Die Hard or Idiocracy?

It's written as "the fleek", as in "the hungry" or "the young".

I'm sure that's what was intended but I don't believe fleek works like that as an adjective. The common description is "on fleek" not just "fleek." The writer perhaps should have consulted the New York Times for guidance on proper slang usuage.
posted by fuse theorem at 4:44 PM on May 14, 2015


your stable 35-year career at a single job

This can't be about us Boomers. Our parents were the last generation with stable 35-year careers at single jobs. Which actually sounds like another form of torture to me - seriously, 35 years at the same job? [shudder]

That said, I wish my life as a Boomer were as carefree as Millennials think it is, and I am so glad I never had children.
posted by caryatid at 4:56 PM on May 14, 2015


I was hoping the future would at least wait until I'm gone.

Piss Out.
posted by mule98J at 5:06 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


I was born in '75 and I'm packing this thread in my old style aluminum A-Team lunchbox to take with me into the afterlife, just shove my corpse into a compost heap unless you want to try to reclaim the THC and various rare earth metals that I ingested and no longer have use for.
posted by Divine_Wino at 5:28 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


gimonca: “Is this where we start arguing whether people born in the early 60s are Boomers or not?

because they're not
Word.
posted by ob1quixote at 5:28 PM on May 14, 2015


Oh please! If you weren't old enough to get laid during the Summer of Love, you aren't a (irritating, smug, self-satisfied) boomer. Thus, anyone born after 1956 is not a boomer.

Now GTF off my goddamn lawn!
posted by monotreme at 5:44 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Wait, wait, wait, wait ... guys. I think I have a loophole.

Let's pin them both on Neil Gaiman.


I'll hold the railroad spikes if you swing the hammer.

As a gen X person, I don't know if I'm old enough to qualify for the fate described in the article, but it did crack me up. When I was younger there were all these predictions of how there would be huge waves of retirements in all kinds of industries, but instead either companies have gotten rid of the jobs entirely, or the poor boomers lost their savings in the crash and are now planning to work until they are dead.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:10 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


Shows what you know- at this point, Gen X is mostly stringy and gamey.

You'll barely get any good meat off us.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 6:16 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


My Gen-X brain still thinks that it must actually be En fliq, that it's a French slang term straight out of Collette or Godard, and the language people just haven't realized it yet.
posted by Mchelly at 6:19 PM on May 14, 2015 [3 favorites]


My Gen-X brain still thinks that it must actually be En fliq

Your grey, wrinkled Gen-X brain may well be correct to think that. There's the French slang flic or flique (cop, pig, fuzz), whence is derived the transitive verb fliquer (to be under police surveillance, or to have someone under police surveillance, or something like that), whence fliqueur, etc., etc. For one's eyebrows to be on fleek would certainly appear to denote that they have been tamed, controlled, corralled, policed—i.e. en flique, n'est-ce pas?
posted by Sys Rq at 6:46 PM on May 14, 2015 [8 favorites]


Ke$ha covers of Wilco is the music of my dreams. Miley Cyrus covering Under the Pink would also fit my playlist.
posted by betweenthebars at 6:47 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


millipede: "(79ish-82ish, about)"
shponglespore: " But then, being from 1979, "
EatTheWeak: "79 here, I know this feel."

Well I was born in 1978 and you people who are slightly younger than me confuse and infuriate me.
posted by RobotHero at 7:11 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Millennials should learn the difference between Dirty Fucking Hippie Boomers and Republicans.
posted by caryatid at 7:45 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Only 100 or so comments, I was off by a THIRD.
posted by hellojed at 7:57 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Only 100 or so comments, I was off by a THIRD.

it could still get there! YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS IT'S THAT YOU WANT EVERYTHING RIGHT AWAY BACK IN MY DAY COMMENTS MEANT SOMETHING BECAUSE WE WORKED FOR THEM
posted by kagredon at 8:14 PM on May 14, 2015 [4 favorites]


Pull yourself up by your own favorites you godless commie parasites!
posted by The Whelk at 10:03 PM on May 14, 2015 [1 favorite]


Well I was born in 1978 and you people who are slightly younger than me confuse and infuriate me.

I'm a bicentennial baby, so this +2.
posted by radwolf76 at 2:24 AM on May 15, 2015


Everyone was going to retire in 2011! Jobs for all!

Hahahahahah

Hahahah

Ah

Oh god
posted by Yowser at 9:29 AM on May 15, 2015 [3 favorites]


Thus, anyone born after 1956 is not a boomer.

Au contraire, by common definition, one born in or between 1946 to 1964 is a baby boomer, not matter how hard one born so tries to weasel out.
posted by y2karl at 3:11 PM on May 15, 2015


As I apparently never tire of pointing out in threads like this, the common definition is wrong.
posted by ob1quixote at 3:40 PM on May 15, 2015 [2 favorites]


Ah, the Gen fauXers...
posted by y2karl at 3:46 PM on May 15, 2015


Ok, the demographic baby boom extended to '64.
But the "cultural" boomer is someone who: had unlimited sex when STDs were curable with a simple shot of penicillin; got to play at being a revolutionary socialist, then took a cushy job at an investment bank; shut down the space program as soon as they got elected; always voted for tax cuts and against the long term good of the country. Et fucking cetera.

Thanks for listening, I feel better now. I'll just let myself out.
posted by monotreme at 8:05 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


Gen Xers had sex before they had in-home internet.
posted by infinitewindow at 10:54 AM on May 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


Everyone was going to retire in 2011! Jobs for all!

oh man I'm sure this internet thing, with its benefits of working remotely and working time-shifted and its efficient connection of needs to skills is definitely going to lead us all to fulfilling work and definitely not accelerate the race to the bottom
posted by kagredon at 7:43 PM on May 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


But the "cultural" boomer is someone who, by your definition, is not only someone not a member of your morally superior cohort but also an actual member of Congress ?

If not, how did it work out that the "cultural" Gen Xers were the ineffectual victims of the other half of that particular bulge in the demographic snake ?

To paraphrase Nelson Muntz: Ha! ha! ....yeah right.

You may now go back to yelling at your TV.
posted by y2karl at 12:33 PM on May 18, 2015


i'm not like a regular boomer, i'm a cool boomer.
posted by kagredon at 12:37 PM on May 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm not old, your music really *does* suck.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:30 PM on May 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Revenge of the Snake People
posted by kagredon at 11:10 AM on May 28, 2015


i think you mean sneeple (snake people).
posted by poffin boffin at 11:45 AM on May 28, 2015


I was feeling all smug and tuned in about this and then I got to the end and I didn't know what venmo was without googling.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 11:53 AM on May 28, 2015


venmo <> venom

DUN DUN DUN
posted by kagredon at 11:59 AM on May 28, 2015


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