Trading in Negative Vague Demands for Positive Specific Requests
May 15, 2015 1:32 PM   Subscribe

PDF: 25 Communication Barriers and How to Repair Concrete tips written for couples, but applicable to many other arenas of communication. (Just don't try to solve coworker Aloofness by means of Positive Physical Touch!)

This post does not constitute an endorsement of the author, his belief system, or any of his work beyond this article.
posted by wonton endangerment (15 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
 
It would be helpful to get some examples for each item. It comes across like a very dry tech manual.
posted by Sangermaine at 1:43 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


FFS Sangermaine you always have to see the glass as half empty don't you? You're going to ruin this FPP.
posted by Meatbomb at 1:49 PM on May 15, 2015 [14 favorites]


Red card to Meatbomb.
posted by kokaku at 2:19 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


PDF is a communication barrier in itself amirite? Very meta.
posted by nevercalm at 2:34 PM on May 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


I also did think maybe some examples would be nice, but OTOH they were reasonably clear, and I certainly appreciate that it wasn't real long.

Plus, the examples they have are incredibly boring.
posted by aubilenon at 2:43 PM on May 15, 2015


I remember reading a couple of books (centered around emotion-focused therapy, if I remember correctly) which argued that teaching people better communication techniques is a bit of a lost cause, and that working on building positive emotion and positive intention makes most communication problems go away without having to teach specific techniques.

At least one of the books made the point that someone with strong communications skills but bad intentions - someone who can turn on and off the techniques in the PDF at will - is a horrible partner to have.
posted by clawsoon at 2:43 PM on May 15, 2015 [17 favorites]


I would think someone with bad intentions, regardless of communications skills, is a horrible partner to have.
posted by enamon at 3:07 PM on May 15, 2015 [7 favorites]


Yep... but if they don't have positive communication skills mastered, their bad intentions are much easier to spot.
posted by clawsoon at 3:17 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


At least one of the books made the point that someone with strong communications skills but bad intentions - someone who can turn on and off the techniques in the PDF at will - is a horrible partner to have.

I'll attest to that.
posted by PMdixon at 4:37 PM on May 15, 2015 [1 favorite]


To me, this felt more like a summary than a teaching tool. That is, a reference that you go back to after you've already seen other examples and gotten a handle on the concepts. So given that, I liked that it's brief without going into much detail on each one. But if I wanted to teach these concepts to someone, I'd definitely look for a resource with more examples in it. (And I totally agree that the examples here were so boring.)
posted by Banknote of the year at 4:46 PM on May 15, 2015


I found it helpful if incomplete. I'd like examples of the negative communication style as well as the more positive style. Bet someone has done that. In the meantime, thanks for the posting!
posted by Bella Donna at 7:38 PM on May 15, 2015


I suspect chirping to one's clearly annoyed partner who has shouldered more than their share of the household work with, "It appears you did my chores so I could relax! Thank you," will not go over well at all.
posted by jamaro at 10:05 PM on May 15, 2015 [4 favorites]


Jamaro, yes! I *just* came in to pick up on "It appears you did my chores so I could relax! Thank you."

Round these parts, that's a paddlin'.
posted by ominous_paws at 11:56 PM on May 15, 2015


Voices to mentally play back the sentence "it appears you did my chores..." in: Christopher Walken, Lemongrab, the robot from Lost in Space, Nathan Explosion, Stormy from Sealab 2021, etc.,
posted by ostranenie at 6:26 AM on May 16, 2015 [5 favorites]


Anecdote: I completely disagree with aloofness - I'm that guy and I get MORE positive social interaction when I'm aloof than when I'm totally engaged, and I theorize this to be the case because by being aloof, I present a safe degree of indifference to personal details and my motivations and underlying (non)desires become clear, where if I was engaged it can easily be misconstrued as a (semi)creepy level of interest on my part. This holds true of interactions I have with clients (I work as a massage therapist), and interactions I have with everyone outside of work.

It has been the hardest thing to teach myself because I really am that intetested in others - I have the patience to sit and listen and let the other person talk while I ask questions to help them clarify their thoughts.
posted by thebotanyofsouls at 7:01 AM on May 16, 2015 [1 favorite]


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