"...then I'll give them back ridiculousness in kind."
August 6, 2015 12:59 PM   Subscribe

"...the undersigned (Luthmann) respectfully requests that the court permit the undersigned to dispatch plaintiffs and their counsel to the Divine Providence of the Maker for Him to exact His divine judgment once the undersigned has released the souls of the plaintiffs and their counsel from their corporeal bodies, personally and or by way of a champion."
Lawyer seeks trial by combat to resolve lawsuit (Previously)
posted by griphus (31 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Staten Island. Isn't that like the Florida of NYC?
posted by Atom Eyes at 1:06 PM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]


So they accept, and as the challenged party get to choose the date, time, weapon, and a champion. Wherever, whenever, unarmed, Ronda Rousey. And this clown can't find anyone to act as his champion. Dibs on the popcorn concession!
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:10 PM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]


More like Loathe-Man amirite
posted by resurrexit at 1:12 PM on August 6, 2015


Halloween Jack: "So they accept, and as the challenged party get to choose the date, time, weapon, and a champion. Wherever, whenever, unarmed, Ronda Rousey. And this clown can't find anyone to act as his champion. Dibs on the popcorn concession!"

Right, Rousey. Can we take this digital?
posted by Samizdata at 1:18 PM on August 6, 2015


Broadswords in a pit.
posted by Faint of Butt at 1:21 PM on August 6, 2015 [4 favorites]


Everyone has this guy in law school. The guy who thinks it's ok to wear a bowtie to class, Every. Single. Day. The guy who asks a question every class, cites a case from 1819 in his moot court argument, and references Lord Blackstone's Commentaries in conversation.

I hope he gets sanctioned.
posted by T.D. Strange at 1:28 PM on August 6, 2015 [26 favorites]


Everyone has this guy in law school. The guy who thinks it's ok to wear a bowtie to class, Every. Single. Day. The guy who asks a question every class, cites a case from 1819 in his moot court argument, and references Lord Blackstone's Commentaries in conversation.

Ours ordered an exam gown, like the ones they wear at Oxford for taking his exams. He also printed out full, rather than abridged, copies of every case in the case book for Con Law and brought a giant binder of them to the exam. Thankfully the professor pointedly reminded us that we got no extra points for citing anything we weren't assigned to read.

A few times I've seen him sitting in a seersucker suit at one of DC's most delightfully terrible bars (Recessions), which is deeply weird.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 1:34 PM on August 6, 2015 [9 favorites]


Unrelated but:
I recently heard a story regarding exams at Cambridge. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale"

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
posted by griphus at 1:38 PM on August 6, 2015 [66 favorites]


16" cannon at 50 yards.

(Just want to make sure this ends.)
posted by eriko at 1:44 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


Ours ordered an exam gown, like the ones they wear at Oxford for taking his exams. He also printed out full, rather than abridged, copies of every case in the case book for Con Law and brought a giant binder of them to the exam. Thankfully the professor pointedly reminded us that we got no extra points for citing anything we weren't assigned to read.

A few times I've seen him sitting in a seersucker suit at one of DC's most delightfully terrible bars (Recessions), which is deeply weird.


I heard stories about this guy when Bulgaroktonos was in law school and then a few years after they graduated we saw him in Recessions. The guy, who did not see my husband (and may or may not have recognized him if he had) hit on me in a leering, unpleasant way and being a kind and polite person I did not scream at him "I KNOW YOU WERE A SMUG ASSHOLE IN LAW SCHOOL DON'T TOUCH ME YOU SLEAZY CREEP!". Where's MY chance at combat? I should get a five minute head start.
posted by Mrs. Pterodactyl at 1:51 PM on August 6, 2015 [6 favorites]


I hope he gets sanctioned.

I honestly kinda hope the judge just goes "yeah, ok, fight it out", if only to be able to see what happens next.
posted by Itaxpica at 1:54 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


Next he will be arguing that it is well within precedent that he should be able to call upon Truckasaurus as his champion. The ol' 1, 2 switcharoo. Classic.
posted by ian1977 at 1:58 PM on August 6, 2015


He's in New York. Isn't this whole thing rendered moot if Dutch law banned trial by combat prior to the British conquest of the colony?

Dutch Mefites, do chime in...
posted by ocschwar at 2:12 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


"... and when you don't even have the table on your side, pound your opponent, I guess."
posted by gauche at 2:42 PM on August 6, 2015 [6 favorites]


Staten Island. Isn't that like the Florida of NYC?

it's like florida and texas had a baby with a new york accent.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:46 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


The wiki article on trial by combat is bereft of the minutae that I have questions about. Since it arose, or was at least related to, the trial by ordeal, surely the court imposes the time, place and weapons, rather than the challenged party as in a duel? This is a civil suit rather than a criminal appeal (direct accusation of a serious crime such as murder brought by a private individual), so would judicial battle even be legal under inherited British common law? If trial by combat is still technically on the books, how about outlawry if you try to withdraw from the fight before it's suitably settled by death or inability to continue.

How badly is your case going if trying to pull this shit this is your best option?
posted by figurant at 3:11 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]


"In recognition of the defense's preference for medieval procedure, we happily accept and name our method of combat as trial by pressing.

"First, defendant will be allowed to sit on the 4 plaintiffs and their lawyer for a period of 3 minutes. Then the plaintiffs and their lawyer will be allowed to sit on him for 3 minutes.

"The combat will continue until one of the parties is squashed flat as a bug.

"If champions are allowed, in the interest of fairness and equitable representation in the ordeal, we demand 5 champions and the right to have them all be elephants."
posted by pyramid termite at 3:15 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]


This has been tried before albeit, in the UK
posted by Debaser626 at 3:25 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


Fun fact, as a member of the Kentucky Bar, I have publicly sworn an oath not to fight in a duel.

New York does not have the same requirement.
posted by T.D. Strange at 3:52 PM on August 6, 2015 [4 favorites]


TRIAL BY STONE!
posted by Smart Dalek at 4:07 PM on August 6, 2015


Wait a minute. You went to Recessions? Was it some kind of ironic act or dare?
posted by humanfont at 4:21 PM on August 6, 2015


As a purely legal matter I can't see trial by combat passing a modern "due process" attack, and perhaps not a "equal protection" argument.
posted by bswinburn at 4:57 PM on August 6, 2015 [2 favorites]


I have publicly sworn an oath not to fight in a duel.

New York does not have the same requirement.


... And there's my answer the next time someone asks why I'm licensed in NY.
posted by asperity at 4:58 PM on August 6, 2015 [3 favorites]


T.D. Strange: Maybe I'm misreading that, but as far as I can tell that's a guarantee of past behavior, not a promise of future behavior. Sure, you couldn't have become a lawyer if you had dueled, but now that you're a lawyer it seems you can comfortably duel as much as you want.
posted by bswinburn at 5:07 PM on August 6, 2015 [1 favorite]


T.D. Strange: Maybe I'm misreading that, but as far as I can tell that's a guarantee of past behavior, not a promise of future behavior. Sure, you couldn't have become a lawyer if you had dueled, but now that you're a lawyer it seems you can comfortably duel as much as you want.

Nah, they have a section for that too.
posted by T.D. Strange at 6:20 PM on August 6, 2015


Bulgaroktonos, at my law school we called those guys "gunners".
posted by orrnyereg at 6:39 PM on August 6, 2015



Nah, they have a section for that too.

Lawyers, they get you gunning and going.
posted by bswinburn at 7:35 PM on August 6, 2015


Could be worse.

Could be a request for a polygraph
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 1:19 AM on August 7, 2015


Similarly, a motion for fist fight in a criminal trial.
posted by Lemurrhea at 4:53 AM on August 7, 2015


haaaang on, I think y'all took me to Recessions at a meetup when I was in town a couple years ago.
posted by gaspode at 5:14 PM on August 7, 2015 [1 favorite]


YES MY HOMETOWN YES

Seriously, this doesn't surprise me even one bit.
posted by corb at 7:41 AM on August 10, 2015


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