"I feel like I grew up around wood - it's in my blood."
September 9, 2015 1:24 PM Subscribe
"North America's only premium, handcrafted firewood manufacturer": The CBC's faux-news show This is That lays into the world of artisinal nonsense with fine craftsmanship and loving attention to detail.
The last batch of firewood I bought was kiln-dried Latvian birch, shipped 1500 miles across Europe to the UK. Reality is pretty weird too.
posted by pipeski at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by pipeski at 1:40 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
Anyone know what artisanal stove this wood is most compatible with? Asking for a friend.
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:54 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by a lungful of dragon at 1:54 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
There are people in Canada who love this show, and people who absolutely loathe it. I think it's okay in small doses. Better than Rick Mercer, though.
posted by Nevin at 1:54 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by Nevin at 1:54 PM on September 9, 2015
I was skeptical of the quality of this firewood until I saw the application of fresh ginger. NOW I'M SOLD! I would go even so far as to call this "ceremonial grade" firewood.
posted by NoMich at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by NoMich at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Come round back, eh, and let me show you my artisanal wood."
posted by octobersurprise at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by octobersurprise at 1:58 PM on September 9, 2015 [6 favorites]
The wood's nice and all, but what you're really paying for is the feeling of superiority, and you can't put a price on that.
Yes, I know it's a joke, but I am about 99% certain that people in, say, Rosedale would happily shell out for something like this.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:59 PM on September 9, 2015
Yes, I know it's a joke, but I am about 99% certain that people in, say, Rosedale would happily shell out for something like this.
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:59 PM on September 9, 2015
> "Come round back, eh, and let me show you my artisanal wood."
It's lovingly hand-crafted!
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:59 PM on September 9, 2015
It's lovingly hand-crafted!
posted by The Card Cheat at 1:59 PM on September 9, 2015
I curate piles of fine small-batch hand-crafted artisanal firewood.
posted by djeo at 2:00 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by djeo at 2:00 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
The best This Is That bits are the ones which can almost pass as real.
Some family members got outraged by the Montreal bylaw requires dogs understand commands in both official languages story.
On the other hand, this one flies a little to close to true: Canadian Kinder Surprise smuggling ring broken up by US officials (1, 2, 3)
posted by bonehead at 2:11 PM on September 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Some family members got outraged by the Montreal bylaw requires dogs understand commands in both official languages story.
On the other hand, this one flies a little to close to true: Canadian Kinder Surprise smuggling ring broken up by US officials (1, 2, 3)
posted by bonehead at 2:11 PM on September 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Yeah, so -
Take a crackling flame wherever you go with this portable bonfire log. Needing just a single match to light, each birch log is kiln-dried and finished with a braided handle for easy toting.
- Birch stump, rope handle
- Burn time approximately 1.5 hours
- Single use
- Outdoor use or indoors use in fireplace
- Estonia
8”H, 10” diameter
posted by Muddler at 2:14 PM on September 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
Take a crackling flame wherever you go with this portable bonfire log. Needing just a single match to light, each birch log is kiln-dried and finished with a braided handle for easy toting.
- Birch stump, rope handle
- Burn time approximately 1.5 hours
- Single use
- Outdoor use or indoors use in fireplace
- Estonia
8”H, 10” diameter
posted by Muddler at 2:14 PM on September 9, 2015 [8 favorites]
> Anyone know what artisanal stove this wood is most compatible with? Asking for a friend.
Vintage wood-fired cast-iron Aga, of course. It's what I use; of course, mine has the original uranium-oxide glaze, so you can't match it without violating international treaty, but mine is grandfathered in.
I'm a bit of a firewood artisan myself; mainly cave-smoked walnut (after a quick 18-month brine), as well as freeze-dried apple limbs that were bog-preserved for 4 years; they give just the right flavor to my home-distilled scotch-style heirloom barley malt, aged in 6+year bourbon barrels made only from the staves that faced south, for obvious reasons.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:17 PM on September 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
Vintage wood-fired cast-iron Aga, of course. It's what I use; of course, mine has the original uranium-oxide glaze, so you can't match it without violating international treaty, but mine is grandfathered in.
I'm a bit of a firewood artisan myself; mainly cave-smoked walnut (after a quick 18-month brine), as well as freeze-dried apple limbs that were bog-preserved for 4 years; they give just the right flavor to my home-distilled scotch-style heirloom barley malt, aged in 6+year bourbon barrels made only from the staves that faced south, for obvious reasons.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:17 PM on September 9, 2015 [17 favorites]
> what you're really paying for is the feeling of superiority, and you can't put a price on that.
Not with that attitude you can't.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:26 PM on September 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
Not with that attitude you can't.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:26 PM on September 9, 2015 [7 favorites]
The video was really well done. From the music, to the bearded dudes, to the brown paper with the logo on it, to those stupid fucking $300 aprons that every rock'n'roll cook in Toronto seems to wear these days.
My favourite part was when he rubbed it with ginger.
posted by chococat at 2:42 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
My favourite part was when he rubbed it with ginger.
posted by chococat at 2:42 PM on September 9, 2015 [3 favorites]
From where I am sitting, I can view my hand cut, artisanal plum wood, mini log display, graded by kindling twigs to small logs. Lovingly hand butchered and stacked for use in my columnar, ceramic, Tuscan style fire pit, smoker, bbq thingy; (I'll throw in a semi-colon here just for class,) that I will use to cook trout or salmon I catch. I love looking at my mini woodpile, cut from plum branches the fencing crew left behind. The bark is black and the inside very light, so the cut ends of the twigs are pleasant little circles, standing out against the shadows.
I get the love of firewood. I love cutting and stacking it, owning and collecting it, looking at it and burning it. Primal.
posted by Oyéah at 2:43 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I get the love of firewood. I love cutting and stacking it, owning and collecting it, looking at it and burning it. Primal.
posted by Oyéah at 2:43 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
+eleventyone for that moment when he rubs it with ginger. One of those moments when absurdity is also realer than reality.
posted by LMGM at 2:45 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by LMGM at 2:45 PM on September 9, 2015
Where can you go to get literal artisanal nonsense these days? I had been using Twitter but I suspect most of it is mass produced by bots.
posted by indubitable at 2:47 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by indubitable at 2:47 PM on September 9, 2015
What a blatant David Rees rip-off.
Instructional video
Documentary video
posted by 3.2.3 at 2:51 PM on September 9, 2015
Instructional video
Documentary video
posted by 3.2.3 at 2:51 PM on September 9, 2015
From 2011:
Hot trend: Demand for designer firewood heats up
posted by Kabanos at 2:52 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Hot trend: Demand for designer firewood heats up
posted by Kabanos at 2:52 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
freeze-dried apple limbs that were bog-preserved for 4 years
Which freeze-dryer are you using? The Labconoco? Cole-Parmer? The Poly-science one is a bit overpriced, but I hear that's what the pros use. Anyway, I find that immersion in PEG is an excellent upgrade to the bog standard soak. The long-chain polymers degrade to sugars in the flames to give a distinct caramel smell to the smoke, as opposed to the more, uh, earthy odours of the humic acids.
posted by bonehead at 2:55 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Which freeze-dryer are you using? The Labconoco? Cole-Parmer? The Poly-science one is a bit overpriced, but I hear that's what the pros use. Anyway, I find that immersion in PEG is an excellent upgrade to the bog standard soak. The long-chain polymers degrade to sugars in the flames to give a distinct caramel smell to the smoke, as opposed to the more, uh, earthy odours of the humic acids.
posted by bonehead at 2:55 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh, it's fake. The pricing seemed a touch high and the way it was presented (as something actually meant to be burned) was a little off, but I could definitely see wealthy people, or more accurately their interior designers, paying high prices for perfect-looking stacks of exactly the right rustic logs to put next to the gas fireplace and never use.
posted by contraption at 2:59 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by contraption at 2:59 PM on September 9, 2015
If we were paying a carbon tax for burning this wood, I suppose $1K wouldn't be out of the question entirely...
posted by Chuffy at 3:08 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Chuffy at 3:08 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
> The long-chain polymers degrade to sugars in the flames to give a distinct caramel smell to the smoke, as opposed to the more, uh, earthy odours of the humic acids.
It's a little funky, but I like a little "Brett funk" in my malt. Caramel is for candy, and Maker's Mark drinkers.
I use an underclocked Cole-Parmer (original make, before they moved their factory across the Ohio River) with hammered-copper chiller attached to increase the temperature delta and reduce the chance of random ice deposition, which is unsightly as you know-- it makes wood that's not fit to burn.
PEG soak, eh? I thought about that, but didn't want to imbue my firewood with potential humectants that would rush the vapor formation during burning-- we're making firewood here, not liquid smoke! For mine, the bog matter gets strained, and the bog water reduced, pH tested and tilted slightly basic while I remove the oxygen. Re-infuse with N2, submerge the applewood, pressurize, seal, and bury the pressure vessel in a sand-bedded pit. I have a local acquaintance who builds a basalt cairn atop the vessel to mark its location; I'm sure that'll go on the label when I have enough inventory to go micro-retail.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:17 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's a little funky, but I like a little "Brett funk" in my malt. Caramel is for candy, and Maker's Mark drinkers.
I use an underclocked Cole-Parmer (original make, before they moved their factory across the Ohio River) with hammered-copper chiller attached to increase the temperature delta and reduce the chance of random ice deposition, which is unsightly as you know-- it makes wood that's not fit to burn.
PEG soak, eh? I thought about that, but didn't want to imbue my firewood with potential humectants that would rush the vapor formation during burning-- we're making firewood here, not liquid smoke! For mine, the bog matter gets strained, and the bog water reduced, pH tested and tilted slightly basic while I remove the oxygen. Re-infuse with N2, submerge the applewood, pressurize, seal, and bury the pressure vessel in a sand-bedded pit. I have a local acquaintance who builds a basalt cairn atop the vessel to mark its location; I'm sure that'll go on the label when I have enough inventory to go micro-retail.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:17 PM on September 9, 2015 [4 favorites]
> If we were paying a carbon tax for burning this wood, I suppose $1K wouldn't be out of the question entirely...
And that, my grandchildren, is why a book of matches costs $34.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:18 PM on September 9, 2015
And that, my grandchildren, is why a book of matches costs $34.
posted by Sunburnt at 3:18 PM on September 9, 2015
Oh thanks metafilter, for reminding me I have to buy firewood before it gets cold. It will not be very artisanal, but it will be locally sourced and organic.
posted by sfenders at 3:54 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by sfenders at 3:54 PM on September 9, 2015
"Artisanal" is my new favorite word. It's so preposterously pretentious that it always makes me laugh.
The best recent example was "Artisanal water" (though they weren't serious). I'm waiting for "Artisanal Air".
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:11 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
The best recent example was "Artisanal water" (though they weren't serious). I'm waiting for "Artisanal Air".
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:11 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
There is nothing better than finding a fallen red oak. I have an insert in the basement that will keep the whole house at 60 f if the power goes out. Oh, and if you can smell smoke, you are breathing it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:46 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by Mr. Yuck at 4:46 PM on September 9, 2015
> The best recent example was "Artisanal water" (though they weren't serious). I'm waiting for "Artisanal Air".
Okay, this artisanal air piece is just amazing. A bit more aimed at SF but splendidly done:
Michael and Deetra are in their “mid-mid-30s, not late-mid-30s” and live in BiTarDs (between Bi-Rite, Tartine, and Dorland Street). They both used to run start-up incubators, but left to open a combined food truck/counseling center, Lettuce Address This.
posted by pahalial at 4:57 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
Okay, this artisanal air piece is just amazing. A bit more aimed at SF but splendidly done:
Michael and Deetra are in their “mid-mid-30s, not late-mid-30s” and live in BiTarDs (between Bi-Rite, Tartine, and Dorland Street). They both used to run start-up incubators, but left to open a combined food truck/counseling center, Lettuce Address This.
posted by pahalial at 4:57 PM on September 9, 2015 [2 favorites]
I could definitely see wealthy people, or more accurately their interior designers, paying high prices for perfect-looking stacks of exactly the right rustic logs to put next to the gas fireplace and never use.
Maybe, something like this?
posted by Flashman at 5:00 PM on September 9, 2015
Maybe, something like this?
posted by Flashman at 5:00 PM on September 9, 2015
" ... but I could definitely see wealthy people, or more accurately their interior designers, paying high prices for perfect-looking stacks of exactly the right rustic logs to put next to the gas fireplace and never use."
People who stage houses for sale comes to mind. They could certainly have a "perfect" bundle of firewood they use from house to house, along with all the other staging stuff like furniture, curtains, etc.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 5:02 PM on September 9, 2015
People who stage houses for sale comes to mind. They could certainly have a "perfect" bundle of firewood they use from house to house, along with all the other staging stuff like furniture, curtains, etc.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 5:02 PM on September 9, 2015
"Artisanal" is my new favorite word. It's so preposterously pretentious that it always makes me laugh.
The best recent example was "Artisanal water" (though they weren't serious). I'm waiting for "Artisanal Air".
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:11 PM
Ever notice that the word artisanal contains the word anal? Just sayin'.
posted by Uncle Grumpy at 5:10 PM on September 9, 2015
The best recent example was "Artisanal water" (though they weren't serious). I'm waiting for "Artisanal Air".
posted by Chocolate Pickle at 4:11 PM
Ever notice that the word artisanal contains the word anal? Just sayin'.
posted by Uncle Grumpy at 5:10 PM on September 9, 2015
Yeah, right. I can't be the only one whose eyes read "artisanal cheese" and whose brain only perceives "anal cheese" am I?
I never buy any artisanal cheese.
posted by cromagnon at 5:21 PM on September 9, 2015
I never buy any artisanal cheese.
posted by cromagnon at 5:21 PM on September 9, 2015
Artie's Anal Cheese would be a tough retail concept, though.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:29 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:29 PM on September 9, 2015 [1 favorite]
Chocolate Pickle: ""Artisanal" is my new favorite word. It's so preposterously pretentious that it always makes me laugh."
One of the car insurance riders here in BC is Artisan Use which you need if you are using a vehicle to transport tools but not actually using the vehicle to generate income (EG: As an electrician I would need it but a tow truck doesn't). Which kind of cracks me up every time Artisan whatever comes up because I relate the word to its insurance meaning.
posted by Mitheral at 5:30 PM on September 9, 2015
One of the car insurance riders here in BC is Artisan Use which you need if you are using a vehicle to transport tools but not actually using the vehicle to generate income (EG: As an electrician I would need it but a tow truck doesn't). Which kind of cracks me up every time Artisan whatever comes up because I relate the word to its insurance meaning.
posted by Mitheral at 5:30 PM on September 9, 2015
$1000 tips their hand. But charge $29 at a Whole Foods or a farmer's market and this would SELL.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 5:51 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by jeff-o-matic at 5:51 PM on September 9, 2015
> ART IS ANAL
> BUT IS ANAL ART?
"Commutative Properties of the Art/Anal Axis: A Proof," by Kabanos, Ph.D.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2015
> BUT IS ANAL ART?
"Commutative Properties of the Art/Anal Axis: A Proof," by Kabanos, Ph.D.
posted by Sunburnt at 7:06 PM on September 9, 2015
I think I prefer the perfectly deadpan "it's a joke but also an actual company selling a product you can buy" Artisanal Pencil Sharpening concern run by David Rees. $40 for the service, you supply the pencil to be sharpened.
posted by contraption at 10:23 PM on September 9, 2015
posted by contraption at 10:23 PM on September 9, 2015
Needs more chainsaw
All you'll get is the inferior mass-produced stuff that Big Wood has flooded the market with.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:19 AM on September 10, 2015
All you'll get is the inferior mass-produced stuff that Big Wood has flooded the market with.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:19 AM on September 10, 2015
Some people seem to take pride in the Big Wood thing; lord knows those who end up with it like to brag about how much better it is. Anecdotal experience suggests that in private folks recognize that ultimately the small artisanal wood vendors product is less satisfying if you just want heat and a lot of it.
posted by maxwelton at 1:50 AM on September 10, 2015
posted by maxwelton at 1:50 AM on September 10, 2015
and later...curated ash
posted by judson at 11:17 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by judson at 11:17 AM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
This Is That presented a feature last season about an empty high-end Art Gallery selling invisible/imaginary conceptual art sculptures.
I gotta say that that piece, in itself, was a brilliant example of Conceptual Art.
posted by ovvl at 6:28 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
I gotta say that that piece, in itself, was a brilliant example of Conceptual Art.
posted by ovvl at 6:28 PM on September 10, 2015 [1 favorite]
"Come round back, eh, and let me show you my artisanal wood."
posted by octobersurprise
Eponysterical!
posted by cynical pinnacle at 6:49 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by octobersurprise
Eponysterical!
posted by cynical pinnacle at 6:49 PM on September 11, 2015
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