Mom News Daily
October 1, 2015 12:35 PM   Subscribe

 
Threenager, ha.
posted by ODiV at 12:37 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Five Easy Slow Cooker Recipes Your Kids Won't Eat

Oh god. Just the other night I called the kids upstairs for dinner with:

"Guys! Time to come ignore your dinner!"

Which had both me and ms. nubs laughing in a sad, bitter kind of way through the meal.
posted by nubs at 12:40 PM on October 1, 2015 [32 favorites]


I keep scrolling, looking for the satire, but these are all 100 percent true, as near as I can figure.
posted by Etrigan at 12:43 PM on October 1, 2015 [28 favorites]




Soon to be acquired for a half-billion dollars by either The Onion or HuffPo.
posted by oneswellfoop at 12:49 PM on October 1, 2015


You just bought a one-way ticket to the curb. Shut up. This ain’t Toy Story. Ain’t no happy ending in this house.”

Actually made me laugh so hard I woke up the sleeping baby.
posted by Gygesringtone at 12:50 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


Threenager, ha.

The struggle is real.
posted by soren_lorensen at 12:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]


Why French Babies' Poop Smells Good: Albert Monet, Minister of French Sanitation explained the phenomenon, “Ze bebes francais, they eat a very pure diet, we do not believe in screen time or Juicy Juice. We play outdoors, our pregnant women have confidence and do not chew gum. Our babies are taught by six months to sleep well, love art, and be generally respectful.”

Brilliant.
posted by Catseye at 12:56 PM on October 1, 2015 [19 favorites]


“You’re Not a Single Mom When Your Husband Travels” -Actual Single Mothers


“Once I couldn’t find my phone charger and my iPhone 6 was dead. He couldn’t reach me for four hours. I felt like a military wife.”

posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:03 PM on October 1, 2015 [11 favorites]


Toddler Asked for Food And Then Actually Ate It

Oh I see these aren't true
posted by uncleozzy at 1:05 PM on October 1, 2015 [11 favorites]


Are Beer O'Clock and Wine O'Clock the same or different?
posted by bonehead at 1:06 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


In the sense that it is, in fact, each of those somewhere, sure.
posted by Etrigan at 1:09 PM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]


Precisely. Glad we got that straight.
posted by bonehead at 1:11 PM on October 1, 2015


Mother Makes Eye Contact With Almost Sleeping Child, Nap Canceled

Damn straight. These are factual.
posted by Existential Dread at 1:13 PM on October 1, 2015 [7 favorites]


oneswellfoop: Soon to be acquired for a half-billion dollars by either The Onion or HuffPo.

That's a half-billion internet dollars, which are available as potential stock options for the parent company, or copies of actual stocks for Pets.com ("because it could totally come back, any day now.").
posted by filthy light thief at 1:23 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


Trend: Gift Registries For Child Birthday Parties Proponents of the trend say the system helps children avoid getting repeat gifts or toys they wouldn’t be interested in.

To repeat an often-quoted comment from my sister-in-law, when she was a little kid, "did I ask for a plush armadillo?"
posted by filthy light thief at 1:29 PM on October 1, 2015 [5 favorites]


“Try playing a game I like to call ‘Mommy’s Not Really Here.’ In the game everyone can see that mommy is sitting barefoot on the floor with a glass of pinot grigio, but they’re not allowed to speak to her or, most importantly, ask for anything. Kids like this game.”

I'm also a fan of "Picnic at the Pub".
posted by langtonsant at 1:46 PM on October 1, 2015 [12 favorites]


This is good stuff.

Mom Sues School Over Peanut Butter Ban, Says It Violates Her 5 y/o’s Rights Ritter has filed a $5 million dollar suit claiming a violation of her son’s constitutional rights. “They’re violating his free will and expression of lunch.” We spoke to one of the parents of the children with a severe peanut allergy.... “I sympathize with Henry’s difficult lunch situation but why should Emily have to die? Maybe these parents should stop babying their kids and get them ready for a world full of compassion.”
posted by thetortoise at 1:51 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Maybe these parents should stop babying their kids and get them ready for a world full of compassion."

I realize it was just quoted but something about that sentence really resonates. That's pretty powerful satire.
posted by zixyer at 2:02 PM on October 1, 2015 [14 favorites]


Come for the stories and chuckles, stay for the hundred of spammy comments.
posted by John Shaft at 2:39 PM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


Okay I wasn't finding this funny at first but the French baby poop article has officially won me over.
posted by gerstle at 2:59 PM on October 1, 2015


> Trend: Gift Registries For Child Birthday Parties

This *would* have saved me the confusion and mild embarrassment of opening my aunt's gift at my 11th or 12th birthday party, which was a shaving kit.
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:19 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


love this site, glad it was posted
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 3:51 PM on October 1, 2015


New Study: No Matter What You Do Your Kid Is Fucked
posted by brennen at 3:54 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


thetortoise: "Mom Sues School Over Peanut Butter Ban, Says It Violates Her 5 y/o’s Rights Ritter has filed a $5 million dollar suit claiming a violation of her son’s constitutional rights. “They’re violating his free will and expression of lunch.” "

Dear Internet, this happened to me, and our district had to take out a restraining order against the peanut-loving parent (who complained that his child was suffering by not being able to have peanut butter cookies every day at lunch because that was the only kind of cookie his child liked to eat I AM NOT KIDDING) to keep him from sending crushed peanuts in his child's backpack or mixing peanut dust into her hand sanitizer to send to school with her to prove how the peanut-allergic kid wouldn't actually DIE from peanut exposure and fears were overblown these are actual plans he actually informed people he was carrying out I WISH I WERE KIDDING BUT I AM NOT THERE IS A RESTRAINING ORDER.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:15 PM on October 1, 2015 [65 favorites]


Dear Internet, this happened to me, and our district had to take out a restraining order against the peanut-loving parent (who complained that his child was suffering by not being able to have peanut butter cookies every day at lunch because that was the only kind of cookie his child liked to eat I AM NOT KIDDING) to keep him from sending crushed peanuts in his child's backpack or mixing peanut dust into her hand sanitizer to send to school with her to prove how the peanut-allergic kid wouldn't actually DIE from peanut exposure and fears were overblown these are actual plans he actually informed people he was carrying out I WISH I WERE KIDDING BUT I AM NOT THERE IS A RESTRAINING ORDER.

Did this make the news somewhere? Because that level of insanity has to have made the news somewhere. Googling for "restraining order peanut allergy" has a dismayingly high number of results.

Also, did this peanut-planning genius ever think through what would happen if they had actually managed to kill a child through deliberate peanut exposure? Would they have just quietly muttered, "Oh, my bad," or would they have been in the principal's office the next day yammering on about how now that the allergic party was dead, the peanut ban was superfluous?

(Why am I even asking? Any loon who resorts to hoarding peanut dust for allergy gotchas would be in the principal's office.)
posted by sobell at 4:20 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


Surgeon General: Vodka Now Considered Salad

Soon to be acquired for a half-billion dollars by either The Onion or HuffPo.

There's nothing in the vodka article about kids or parenting at all. It seems to me like something that could just as well have been in the Onion. Not sure I understand the premise of the MND site. Are parents known to be unique consumers of vodka?
posted by fuse theorem at 4:28 PM on October 1, 2015


Not sure I understand the premise of the MND site.

"We got you to look at the ads."
posted by Joe in Australia at 4:49 PM on October 1, 2015 [4 favorites]


This site spit out some really adamant, insidious anti-adblock shit the second I opened the page. Fuck this, I'll go read The Onion.
posted by Ber at 4:52 PM on October 1, 2015


sobell: "Did this make the news somewhere? "

No, because it was not even the craziest thing that happened that particular week.

(That PARTICULAR week we had fired a principal for fraud and an ex-administrator was on trial for felony misappropriation, I understand how the local press missed the restraining order.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:01 PM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


I ... I need to know whether "Mom News Daily has been rated the #1 source of information by woman parents" is just a joke, or an indictment of modern reblog first, research never internet culture.
posted by kafziel at 5:08 PM on October 1, 2015


"We got you to look at the ads."

Adblock Plus, Disconnect, and NoScript join hands and say, "Nope."
posted by fuse theorem at 5:24 PM on October 1, 2015 [2 favorites]


yes let's hear more about the ads on the funny site
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:40 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


My wife and I didn't ask for a plush armadillo either, but Roger has been a lovely addition to our contigent of couch friends...oh wait we kind of did ask for a plush armadillo, didn't we?
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 6:02 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Plush Armadillo is my new band's name.
posted by briank at 6:20 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Plush Armadillo is my new Kinky Friedman cover band's name.
FTFY.
posted by mon-ma-tron at 6:52 PM on October 1, 2015 [3 favorites]


There's nothing in the vodka article about kids or parenting at all. It seems to me like something that could just as well have been in the Onion. Not sure I understand the premise of the MND site. Are parents known to be unique consumers of vodka?

mothers need to drink a lot because kids are often bad
posted by internet fraud detective squad, station number 9 at 7:09 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


YES! Trolled the missus with this successfully. Now she wants to make spicy vegetable soup for the six-month-old daughter.

Oh wait.
posted by the cydonian at 7:12 PM on October 1, 2015


Are parents known to be unique consumers of vodka?

Gin in this house, but yes.
posted by odinsdream at 7:40 PM on October 1, 2015


When the Department of Children and Family Services visits, they can't smell the vodka on your breath ... supposedly.
posted by Chitownfats at 11:30 PM on October 1, 2015 [1 favorite]


Soon to be acquired for a half-billion dollars by either The Onion or HuffPo.

Oh, I think The Onion is already mining this territory with considerable skill.
posted by flabdablet at 6:32 AM on October 2, 2015


Coincidence that "Gin and Juice" came out the same year as Snoop Dogg's first child? I don't think so.
posted by drlith at 6:43 AM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


This site spit out some really adamant, insidious anti-adblock shit the second I opened the page. Fuck this, I'll go read The Onion.

Hmmm. Really? I'm not seeing any of that.

I loved this site, and sent to to every parent I know that I know isn't suffering post-natal depressing thoughts.
With a shot of my vodka glass.

Trend: Gift Registries For Child Birthday Parties

I am sure I saw this one on a legit site last week.
posted by Mezentian at 8:47 AM on October 2, 2015


Also not seeing anti-ad stuff, or at least nothing Ghostery (which I admittedly have set with mostly just anti-tracking, not anti-ad settings) can't cope with.

This one floated around my facebook friends some time ago with a number of people not realizing it was satire. Mom Opts Out of Party Bags, Guests Take Back Gifts
posted by phearlez at 1:23 PM on October 2, 2015 [2 favorites]


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