Can men have it all? (STL)
October 17, 2015 1:35 PM   Subscribe

Table turning Twitter account illustrating the absurdity of women having it all.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk (74 comments total) 88 users marked this as a favorite
 
A most wonderful thing!
posted by Grandysaur at 1:40 PM on October 17, 2015


Not many one-gag twitter feeds can keep it going, but whoever's running this one has found a deep, rich vein to mine out.
posted by mhoye at 1:43 PM on October 17, 2015 [11 favorites]


It's not like I'm not aware a double standard exists in this sphere, but this made me gasp. And what I gasped was "this is the best thing on the Internet! ...oh!"

And thus my first ever FPP.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 1:44 PM on October 17, 2015 [40 favorites]


ALL MEN! Can raw veggies make you look taller? Can water help you to breathe? Can sleeping make you fat? Is it okay to be a person?

Times like this I love the internet.
posted by rtha at 1:46 PM on October 17, 2015 [54 favorites]


Working father? Struggling to combine your hair schedule with housework, career and lip contouring? Why not go part time?

This is pretty great.
posted by Cookiebastard at 1:47 PM on October 17, 2015 [8 favorites]


I followed. I expect I'll be retweeting regularly.
posted by orange swan at 1:50 PM on October 17, 2015


Is this being written or Markov generated?
posted by jacquilynne at 1:53 PM on October 17, 2015 [7 favorites]


I went part-time because of my hair schedule! No regrets.
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:54 PM on October 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


Today's debate: CAN men be funny?

Tomorrow's debate: funny "haha" or funny "peculiar?"
posted by GenjiandProust at 1:58 PM on October 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


"Working dad? Overwhelmed? Resentful? Shattered? It could be because you're not breathing right. Try breathing in slowly from the diaphragm."

I CAN'T.
posted by yueliang at 2:01 PM on October 17, 2015 [29 favorites]


So I clicked on the #mensproblems hashtag on one of these, and it led me to this site with this terrible 11 Annoying Habits Men Have article, (snoring, leaving the toilet seat up, etc.) which linked to more articles like "Six Foods to Boost your Skin", "With the festive season knocking at the door, everyone is busy shopping and trying to..." and "Choose clothes according to your body shape"

And I don't know what is real any more.
posted by Cookiebastard at 2:09 PM on October 17, 2015 [7 favorites]


That cream cheese joke was both funny and mildly nauseating.
posted by jonmc at 2:11 PM on October 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


"I have absolutely no problem with male managers, as long as they leave their hormones at home."

"To all men with an opinion. Don't be AFRAID to speak up! It's OKAY to be a man and have an opinion. Some women actually find it attractive."

"I love to see a mum play a full part in her child's life. Good on her for being there I say. 10 out of 10."

"I have absolutely nothing against fathers in the workforce, as long as they can concentrate on the job."

"MEN! If you speak up in a meeting & want to be taken seriously, dress smart but not too smart, stay calm & avoid appearing too ambitious."

Like I'm a feverishly liberation-minded radical feminist and these posts are obviously computer-generated but almost every one of them has BLOWN MY MIND. Surprisingly excellent supporting evidence for the thesis that men can always be people while women can only be women. Best of the web, indeed. Thanks for the post!
posted by divined by radio at 2:12 PM on October 17, 2015 [42 favorites]


I don't think any of them are computer generated. A lot of them are definitely actual advice published in women's magazines, just with the genders swapped.
posted by KGMoney at 2:16 PM on October 17, 2015 [9 favorites]


I actually have been filling in my pores with low-fat cream cheese. From the inside.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:32 PM on October 17, 2015 [70 favorites]


I've been following this account for a couple of months now, and for the is it manual / is it computer generated debate, I think it seems to be a bit of both - a fair number of set templates with stuff substituted in, with a peppering of unique isolated tweets. But every one's a winner. It's so good. My favourite tweets are the ones of the form - and I'm just making this up now;

MEN! How do you succeed in your job? Mike, 47: I maintain my eyelashes daily and stay hydrated. Inspiring!
posted by Jimbob at 2:39 PM on October 17, 2015 [10 favorites]


Turnip yogurt and an almond, a guy can never be too careful about remaining attractive. The bird that he eats like, gets the almond.
posted by Oyéah at 2:46 PM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Metafilter: turnip yoghurt and a whole almond
posted by klanawa at 2:46 PM on October 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


Working father? Feeling overwhelmed? YOUR FAULT. Go to bed earlier, drink more water, wear colourful veggies & don't forget to smile!

Add a dab of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it!
posted by The otter lady at 2:47 PM on October 17, 2015 [24 favorites]


The more I read, the more delighted I am. Definitely sending this link to every woman I know.

The "Congratulations to all male [doctors, physicists, STEM careerists, 'sporty types,' etc.] for juggling [housework, career, kids, etc.] How DO they do it?" template is especially amazing -- it's shocking how effective a simple search and replace is here, how strange it can sound when men are painted as the marked class, and how utterly pedestrian it is for women to be on the receiving end of such blithe condescension and derision.
posted by divined by radio at 2:53 PM on October 17, 2015 [22 favorites]


I have a fair amount of wariness towards "reverse ____ism," because it's usually so... not right. Not illuminating, not good parody, not... clever. But this works (except for the usual "tweet overload" of Twitter humor). I guess that the "punching up" paradigm is at work -- you can learn something (or at least get a laugh) "swapping up," but "swapping down" usually misses the mark entirely.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:54 PM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


#needapackofsmokes
posted by clavdivs at 2:55 PM on October 17, 2015


I haven't got time to read the thread, but I would like to say thanks for this! There is some great advice, really motivational.

That pomegranate one is so true!
posted by asok at 2:58 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Certainly!
posted by sammyo at 3:00 PM on October 17, 2015


Jesus. These are all bang on, but I got to the turnip yoghurt and one whole almond and that's when I lost it.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 3:03 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


So good: "FRAZZLED DAD? Keep winter weight gain at bay by snacking on the memory of cucumber. "
posted by mochapickle at 3:12 PM on October 17, 2015 [47 favorites]


I actually would listen to an hour of Cecil Baldwin reading these tweets aloud.
posted by allthinky at 3:15 PM on October 17, 2015 [12 favorites]


"ALL MEN! 7 ways you have been eating avocados all wrong & 6 ways you have been washing your penis wrong. Celebrate YOU."

Love it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:32 PM on October 17, 2015 [8 favorites]


This is genius and I love it so much.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 3:37 PM on October 17, 2015


ALL MEN! 7 ways you have been eating avocados all wrong & 6 ways you have been washing your penis wrong. Celebrate YOU

My husband: I would read that one tho.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 3:40 PM on October 17, 2015 [8 favorites]


this one had me laughing out loud so hard:

ALL MEN! Can washing your face ruin your looks? Can Winter fade your legs? Can weekends make you fat? Is it okay to have a face?
posted by sio42 at 3:40 PM on October 17, 2015 [17 favorites]


This is great! Only thing I would change is substituting "eyebrows" everywhere it says "eyelashes", because holy shit is the eyebrow pressure strong and let me tell you it is sooooome bullshit.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:50 PM on October 17, 2015 [5 favorites]


holy shit is the eyebrow pressure strong and let me tell you it is sooooome bullshit.

Agreed. I cannot believe why my friends continually subject themselves to burns from hot wax - whywhywhy would you ever let HOT WAX near your sensitive eye area???
posted by cynical pinnacle at 3:58 PM on October 17, 2015


Wife back on the playstation? Kids asleep? This is YOUR time to relax. Did you know that ironing can help you to de-stress and de-bloat?

I feel like this is a nearly perfect summary of the kind of shit that's regularly thrown at women on multiple levels. It's almost a work of art how many negs you can actually get into 140 characters.
posted by triggerfinger at 3:58 PM on October 17, 2015 [38 favorites]


whywhywhy would you ever let HOT WAX near your sensitive eye area???

I haven't had my brows waxed for a long time but I almost remember it being a little relaxing (probably because they do it in a spa-type setting and you get to lie down and there's nice music, etc). What I do now? THREADING. Which omg makes waxing seem like a tender kiss.
posted by triggerfinger at 4:03 PM on October 17, 2015 [5 favorites]


Some of these are great because they're great, but some of them are great because they're semi nonsensical(and not in an intentional seeming absurdist humor kind of way).

It makes me think of like, subredditsimulator.
posted by emptythought at 4:51 PM on October 17, 2015


My wife likes men. I think she actually prefers men. She thinks they can be great company. She's great. I'm SO lucky.
posted by sio42 at 5:02 PM on October 17, 2015 [10 favorites]


"MEN! Accentuate your best features (e.g. hind legs) to draw attention away from flaws (e.g. your behaviour at all times."
posted by Navelgazer at 5:13 PM on October 17, 2015 [18 favorites]


Wife back on the playstation? Kids asleep? This is YOUR time to relax. Did you know that ironing can help you to de-stress and de-bloat?
posted by atomicmedia at 5:18 PM on October 17, 2015


This is beautiful!
posted by Deoridhe at 5:28 PM on October 17, 2015


Inspirational!
posted by valetta at 5:34 PM on October 17, 2015


holy shit is the eyebrow pressure strong and let me tell you it is sooooome bullshit.

when did this start? I'm 38, but I feel like five years ago I woke up and everyone was suddenly talking about having their eyebrows done. I'd heard of it before, but only for women (and men) with hair between their eyebrows (aka unibrow). It was rare, like rarer than shaving your pubic hair. Now I feel like I should make some spare cash by starring in a freak show: come see the strange and exotic sight of the woman who has never had her brows done!
posted by jb at 5:51 PM on October 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


Fifteen years ago I thought it was super weird when a friend got hers done for a wedding. Ten years ago I remember going to SuperCuts on Wednesday because they only charged five dollars for brows that day and I was broke but it had to be done.

So, somewhere between 10-15 years ago.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 6:00 PM on October 17, 2015 [6 favorites]


first, yeah this is really awesome. I dont twitter but I read a lot of those!

re the brow thing though: I have the opposite issue: sparse light-colored brows. I dont wear makeup but WILL NOT leave the house without my eyebrows "on". mr supermedusa makes fun of me but I just CANNOT. its just part of my face.

maybe I should try rubbing greek yogurt on the backs of my knees to achieve lusher eyebrows and spiritual fulfillment?
posted by supermedusa at 6:20 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm going to stick my neck out here and say: I don't get it.

I can't tell what this account is mocking. It reads to me like some MRA type trying to illustrate the absurdity of women objecting to the stereotypes inflicted upon them.

Can anyone help me see the funny? :(
posted by TheNewWazoo at 6:35 PM on October 17, 2015


Maybe it's just the most recent tweet ("Joking apart, we must remember that men are people too.") that makes me think of "All Lives Matter" bullshit and then I'm spoiled on the concept.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 6:36 PM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


I'm a guy who trims his eyebrows, but it may be more in the unibrow catagory. If I didn't trim them, they'd look like this.

I can't tell what this account is mocking. It reads to me like some MRA type trying to illustrate the absurdity of women objecting to the stereotypes inflicted upon them.--TheNewWazoo

If it doesn't sound funny to you when these things are said about men, does it at least sound strange? If it sounds strange applying to men, does it also sound strange applying to women? If not, then why not? If so, well, then there's your answer. Sometimes you have to take a different perspective to realize the absurdity of what we all get subjected to and bombarded with daily.
posted by eye of newt at 7:29 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Unsightly brows? Draw attention away from them by SMILING more. Smiling just one day a week burns 1,764 calories.
posted by valetta at 7:38 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


I'm a guy and at my last haircut (about two weeks ago) they barbers were assuming all the men wanted their eyebrows done. That was a new one to me.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:22 PM on October 17, 2015


This is in the same vein as Douglas Hofstadter's A Person Paper on Purity in Language where he unearths the deep sexism in our language by switching out color for gender.
posted by garbhoch at 8:26 PM on October 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


The humor of this is that if you heard these things said about women, you wouldn't blink or think anything was out of the ordinary...until you hear the same shit said to men.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:43 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


Love this. Haven't read through it all but would love to see this done with ridiculous Cosmo-esque quotes about how to drive your partner crazy.

This one made me snort!

Going out tonight? Keep it simple and throw on a pair of Little Black Trousers. Ta-dah!
posted by mokeydraws at 8:51 PM on October 17, 2015 [4 favorites]


If it sounds strange applying to men, does it also sound strange applying to women? If not, then why not?
if you heard these things said about women, you wouldn't blink or think anything was out of the ordinary
I think I see why I was thrown off. Some of these would get my hackles up in a pretty big way if said to a woman, so I'm like "it's still not funny" when the genders are flipped, or something. I dunno, I just had a hard time not reading it as mocking women. Thanks for clarifying.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 9:34 PM on October 17, 2015 [1 favorite]


Maybe it's just the most recent tweet ("Joking apart, we must remember that men are people too.") that makes me think of "All Lives Matter" bullshit and then I'm spoiled on the concept.

It's simpler than you're making it, I think. Most of us would breeze right past "women are people too!" although if we stopped to think of it, we would see how othering that phrase is. This Twitter account is just a reframing device for those kinds of nonsensical statements, and all the blather about how women need to improve or die, like a swimming shark. And all the other horseshit that is the whole construct of gender.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 9:42 PM on October 17, 2015 [2 favorites]


I think it's both hilarious and potentially confusing because it's sort of mocking two things at once; on the one hand, it's mocking male privilege and the deep way maleness is ingrained in our culture as the norm while females are the other. On the other hand, it's also mocking some of the ridiculously patronising marketing directed at women.

In summary; These are ridiculous things to be saying. We can see how ridiculous they are when they are targeted towards men. But men would never have this shit said about them. So why do we accept this shit being said about women?
posted by Jimbob at 10:22 PM on October 17, 2015 [13 favorites]


I did my left brow today and forgot the right. Now when I look in the mirror, my left brow is asking a question, and the right one is hiding in the bushes, with Breshnev. For obvious reasons I don't usually do brows at all. I have spent my whole long life amazed by the bullshit steps "they" would like me to buy into. Turnip yoghurt, whole almond, yurt. Excuse me.
posted by Oyéah at 10:46 PM on October 17, 2015 [3 favorites]


I love the author photo. (Lose those bags under your eyes with this one simple photoshop trick!)
posted by valetta at 10:50 PM on October 17, 2015


I checked again, and OMG.

Do women explain things to me? Yes they do and I love it! I'm grateful they take the time.

I CAN'T EVEN.

[just wipe the patriarchy off the face of this planet now, now now now please]
posted by yueliang at 12:30 AM on October 18, 2015 [4 favorites]


I think if the account owner ever gets ahold of The Emotional Labor Thread we will be in for a wild ride.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 12:48 AM on October 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


As I was reading this I actually felt the grin manifest on my face and delight take fire in my heart, simultaneous with the gleefully malicious light in my eyes.

Thank you excellent Twitter account, I think I just became Feminist Joker.
posted by pseudonymph at 1:43 AM on October 18, 2015 [2 favorites]


The more deadpan, the better it gets.

What a wonderful comedic resource, keep it coming, Ma Brougham.
posted by clavdivs at 1:59 AM on October 18, 2015


"Tackle guilt by staying hydrated & snacking on the depth of a spoon during the day."
posted by clavdivs at 2:02 AM on October 18, 2015 [3 favorites]


This is the most amazing thing.
posted by maxwelton at 9:10 AM on October 18, 2015


This may finally close the book on the age-old question of "Are men's funny?"
posted by Potomac Avenue at 9:23 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


On the "why this is funny" point: some of these are just slight exaggerations of absurd women's magazine beauty tips / advice, but there is also plenty of serious journalism / commentary out there that is directly based on the assumption that for women life is a series of tradeoffs between career and family. And of course that's not wrong-- you obviously can't be two places at once, and there is also growing attention being paid to work/life balance issues for fathers too, which is great.

However, for women it still often gets into retrograde territory where it's not just tradeoffs with a finite amount of time, but a real existential conflict between having both a career and a family, and being successful with both. And that's the conflict that is so alien to men's experiences that it's funny to imagine it: that a man might take off a wedding ring during a job interview so that he wouldn't be seen as someone with too many committments outside of work, or that a man might have to worry about whether his dedication to his career could hurt his dating life.
posted by Asparagus at 9:36 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


From the Man Who Has It All tumblr:

Science

DID YOU KNOW?

Does your wife claim to be bad at wrapping presents? She might be right! Science says that women’s retinal alexia stop them from folding.

Thanks to neuroscience, we now know that women have a different ‘cognitive retinal architecture’ and can’t actually see a washing machine.

Ever wondered why your wife “can’t iron”? Science has the answer! It’s because men’s brains are actually WIRED to see wrinkles in fabric.

There are an astonishing 22 ways your male hormones affect your mind and body all month long.

posted by marsha56 at 9:57 AM on October 18, 2015 [16 favorites]


This is fabulous. I'm currently reading it in a public library, and in my mighty effort to not just burst out laughing, I keep emitting strange noises that are halfway between a snort and a squeak.
posted by colfax at 10:15 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


Working dad? Guilt is your worst enemy. Tackle guilt by not letting yourself go, keeping on top of the dusting & remembering to smile!

I cannot stop laughcrying at the perfection of this tweet
posted by nicodine at 11:15 AM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


re the brow thing though: I have the opposite issue: sparse light-colored brows. I dont wear makeup but WILL NOT leave the house without my eyebrows "on". mr supermedusa makes fun of me but I just CANNOT. its just part of my face.
supermedusa, you can get them dyed (Benefit specializes in brows and doesn't blink if I just want dye and no plucking). It saves so much time and makes light eyebrows look so much fuller because all the tiny white hairs show up.
posted by Bunglegirl at 1:29 PM on October 18, 2015 [1 favorite]


To me the best part is how it nails that women are supposed to "relax" and have "me time " by engaging in healthy, wholesome, slimming activities that are really chores for most people.
posted by Ralston McTodd at 1:39 PM on October 18, 2015 [5 favorites]


The maddest a women's magazine ever made me was when it offered this dieting tip, more or less verbatim -- "it's hard when all the kids are having their afternoon snacks. Pour yourself seltzer in a wine glass, add a twist of lime and pretend you're having a party!"

This is surely not the dumbest thing that has ever appeared in a women's magazine, but it is the last one I know about, because I put that thing down and have not picked one up ever since, not even in a waiting room.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:40 PM on October 18, 2015 [11 favorites]


Pour yourself seltzer in a wine glass, add a twist of lime and pretend you're having a party!"

Alternatively, fill a tumbler with bourbon and let the kids sort themselves out. If you are going to be so selfish as to pretend to have a party, just go the whole way.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:46 PM on October 18, 2015 [7 favorites]


Can anyone help me see the funny? :(

It's funny because they're messages from the future.

No, really.
posted by Smedleyman at 7:38 AM on October 19, 2015 [1 favorite]


That Atlantic article is screamingly funny itself. I thought it couldn't get better than this:

But what if men and women were fulfilling not biological imperatives but social roles, based on what was more efficient throughout a long era of human history?

but then spinning Office Space as an MRA fantasy?

But the funny was a bunch of red flags for 'we are going to talk about which gender is dominant and give Greek Alphabet titles to individual humans.' No, thank you.
posted by The Noble Goofy Elk at 9:52 PM on October 19, 2015


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