Sweet dreams!

December 14, 2015 3:46 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on, so here's the brand new anti-earthquake bed. Here's an earlier model from 2012.
posted by flapjax at midnite (37 comments total)

That looks terrifying. I mean, do you even get to trigger it yourself, or does it just GO?
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 3:49 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I am claustrophobic. I would rather take my chances with the earthquake. I was hyperventilating just watching these torture devices deploy.
posted by agatha_magatha at 3:55 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Wow, that's both ingenious and terrifying.
posted by LobsterMitten at 3:56 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

"Did the Earth move for you, too?"
"Well of course, why did you think we were trapped in this well-stocked yet terrifyingly claustrophobic vault?"
posted by ckape at 3:58 PM on December 14, 2015 [9 favorites]

I see a lot of bottles of water but I don't see a toilet.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 4:00 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

The toilet appears after you drink the first bottle of water.
posted by Western Infidels at 4:02 PM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

It's a giant mousetrap, but with catering.
posted by mochapickle at 4:04 PM on December 14, 2015 [6 favorites]

Are you supposed to chew through the mattress to get to the water and food or what? Also, please tell me that in addition to being buried alive, one does not have to listen to that music.
posted by Muddler at 4:05 PM on December 14, 2015 [12 favorites]

Several of these would, as designed, seriously main or dismember anybody not sleeping in perfect alignment with the bed itself.
posted by truex at 4:06 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

The reggae soundtrack sells it. Does it come with that? I'll need a lot of that reggae to calm me down during the first time it accidentally goes off and I have to wait and hope someone who is NOT looking for me can hear me. If I had that soundtrack, my apprehension at buying one of these would be eased. I live in a seismically quiet area. Thank you.
posted by not_on_display at 4:10 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

The bed commands respect. You must respect the bed always. Be most respectful getting into or out of the bed. If the bed senses disrespectful movement it will swiftly decapitate you.
posted by whatnotever at 4:11 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Notice how they're all sleeping alone? Yeah. That.
posted by Floydd at 4:16 PM on December 14, 2015 [5 favorites]

So, living in the Cascadia subduction zone I've actually thought about getting an earthquake bed for us and the kids. The ones I've seen sort of resemble a sturdy bunkbed. This, though - I imagine the earthquake going down around us as I'm blindly smashed into freeze-dried food packets while the stump of what's left of my arm bleeds onto the gas masks to the tune of Don't Worry Be Happy. The rest of the neighbourhood has filed out of their houses while the missus and I roast in brazen bull torture as the house burns around our metallic coffin.
posted by jimmythefish at 4:18 PM on December 14, 2015 [14 favorites]

I think that if you were that worried about earthquakes, it would be easier to just move to somewhere where they don't happen.
posted by octothorpe at 4:29 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Needs more AR 15's, obv.

I've watched those prepper videos on YouTube. Does this not count as Shit Hitting The Fan?
posted by PeterMcDermott at 4:33 PM on December 14, 2015

The bed commands respect. You must respect the bed always. Be most respectful getting into or out of the bed. If the bed senses disrespectful movement it will swiftly decapitate you.

Do not taunt Happy Fun Bed.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 4:33 PM on December 14, 2015 [4 favorites]

Yeah, as someone who lives about two miles from the San Andreas fault, I have to ask - what triggers Bedpocalypse Now? I sure don't want the great steel doors of my bedroom set mausoleum slamming down on us while we are otherwise amorously engaged. Nothing kills a romantic mood like being horribly maimed by your personal four poster sarcophagus. Pass.
posted by mosk at 4:53 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

They ran out of music before they ran out of bed designs, which makes me wonder about their priorities. What if the stash of toilet paper doesn't last as long as the stash of dehydrated beef stew??
posted by moonmilk at 5:14 PM on December 14, 2015

These are the only plausible scenarios for me if I actually shelled out the money for Earthquake Bed:

--Earthquake happens. I am on the balcony. I get decapitated by a falling window.
--Earthquake happens. I am in the shower. I'm found naked and dead halfway between the bed and the shower having slid on the floor and broken my neck. It was a really small earthquake and I'm the only fatality.
--Earthquake happens. I am at work. I fall down the stairwell.
--Earthquake happens. I'm reading video game fanfic on an iPad while I'm on the toilet. The earthquake bed falls through the ceiling from the floor above. I will be found crushed on the toilet under earthquake bed. The only things that survive intact, protected by the small cavity of the toilet, my body, and Earthquake Bed, are my Days of the Week underpants around my feet and the iPad which clearly shows what I was reading. The earthquake was on Tuesday. I'm wearing Saturday.
posted by barchan at 5:17 PM on December 14, 2015 [20 favorites]

came here to make "I felt the earth move" gag, too late.
posted by randomkeystrike at 5:28 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

I slept through the 1971 Sylmar 6.7 earthquake. I had a building undergoing demolition collapse next to me in the 1989 Loma Prieta 6.9 earthquake. There is no fucking way I'm going anywhere near this bed. Perhaps if I had lived through Fukishima I'd be scared enough of earthquakes to consider something like this but then I'd be worried about whether the bed floats. Is there no end to the crap that can be sold to rich idiots?
posted by rdr at 5:34 PM on December 14, 2015

So the market is people who are rich enough that they can afford an earthquake survival pod, but not rich enough to live in a building that will not collapse when there is an earthquake?
posted by rustcrumb at 5:44 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Maximum capacity 1 person(s). Keep arms and legs inside bed at all times while sleeping. Avoid sitting on edge of bed when earthquake starts. Sharing bed with pets may decrease chance of survival. Do not attempt to move bed without professional assistance. Ensure that bed is inspected and tested annually by qualified maintenance personnel. Bed provides no protection from radioactive fallout and should be combined with a compatible fallout shelter for maximum protection. Place bed well above water level of any expected flooding. In case of bed deployment, remain calm and wait for rescue; do not attempt self-extraction. Bed is supplied as-is, with no express or implied warranty of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose.
posted by sfenders at 5:48 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

Nice Specials soundtrack.
posted by joseph conrad is fully awesome at 6:28 PM on December 14, 2015

^^^^^

Also: close cover before striking.
posted by mosk at 6:29 PM on December 14, 2015

Idiocracy warned us about this.

(Idiocracy warned us about pretty much everything.)
posted by ryanrs at 6:35 PM on December 14, 2015

It is nice to see Procrustes modernizing his goods for the 21st century.
posted by idiopath at 6:37 PM on December 14, 2015 [2 favorites]

Wang Wenxi presents The Bed That Could Only Murder.
posted by boo_radley at 6:40 PM on December 14, 2015

I JUST WANT TO HELP gasps the bed as it slices off your arms because you were dangling one off the edge. PLEASE LET ME LOVE YOU cries the bed as your dog freaks the fuck out at being trapped in a steel coffin where your mattress prevents you from getting your prepper supplies. I'M A USEFUL INVENTION whispers the bed as you realize there was no way for you to store insulin in it as the steel lid clangs shut.
posted by boo_radley at 6:42 PM on December 14, 2015 [3 favorites]

"Daddy, there's a monster under my bed. And he has enough supplies to camp out for weeks, so thanks for that, I guess."
posted by ckape at 6:42 PM on December 14, 2015 [7 favorites]

I knew Metafilter would not disappoint when it came to funny comments in this thread! Thanks, all!
posted by flapjax at midnite at 6:58 PM on December 14, 2015

20 days of food, water, and drugs!
posted by oceanjesse at 7:02 PM on December 14, 2015

Warning: bed does not repel earthquakes.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:03 PM on December 14, 2015

That four-poster looks like it'd be up for some fun times, knaamean? Just sayin'
posted by spacewrench at 7:38 PM on December 14, 2015

Too many Saw movies, with just a touch of Sims Armageddon edition.
posted by buzzman at 9:09 PM on December 14, 2015 [1 favorite]

Yeah, my impression (and I may be wrong about this) is in mainland China, to be rich enough to buy an earthquake survival pod, you have to be rich enough to own an earthquake survival pod, and to be rich enough to live in a condo that will not collapse when there is an earthquake, you have to be rich enough to own the entire condo. Big gap between those two.
posted by Bugbread at 11:22 PM on December 14, 2015

This has the look of being one of those perfectly useless and terrible products that will make its inventors a lot of money.

It also has the look of being an excellent human mousetrap. Baited correctly and installed in a hotel, it should be able to ingest and digest at least one tourist per hour, and if installed directly above the hotel's restaurant could provide significant supply chain synergies.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:40 AM on December 15, 2015 [3 favorites]