"I thought it was normal."
December 15, 2015 9:43 PM Subscribe
[tw: descriptions of abuse] NHL player Patrick O'Sullivan writes about surviving his abusive childhood, how he came to be a professional hockey player, and what adults should and can do when they see a child who needs their help.
When I turned 16, I became the No. 1 pick in the Ontario Hockey League draft. You might assume the abuse stopped there, but in my dad's mind, his methods "worked." I was on the path to the NHL. So the abuse only intensified. One night after a game during my first year in the OHL, I was sitting on the bus with my teammates when my dad came storming in and literally grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to his car.
"That's it, you're done with hockey. You don't deserve this. We're going home."
I got in the car and he started driving home. And then something in me just snapped. We stopped to pick up my sisters at our grandparents' house, and I jumped out and said, "This is all stopping right now. I'm not going home."
I don't follow hockey and know nothing about him as a professional athlete but however well he may skate and play I am pretty sure I'm more impressed by his determination to use his own success to help other victims of the type of abuse he suffered.
posted by Nerd of the North at 10:04 PM on December 15, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Nerd of the North at 10:04 PM on December 15, 2015 [8 favorites]
Jesus, that's heartbreaking. We've always stayed away from team sports because of the crazy parents, but I can't imagine witnessing someone beating a child and not doing something about it.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:40 PM on December 15, 2015
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 10:40 PM on December 15, 2015
Beyond just stating the completely obvious, that this was absolutely horrific, senseless abuse hurled upon someone totally undeserving by a person who should have been his protector, I don't know what else to say except that this was a very brave column to write, particularly coming form the ultra macho world of hockey.
posted by The Gooch at 11:16 PM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
posted by The Gooch at 11:16 PM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
That was worth the read, thanks for posting.
I think about the question of intervening a lot, and I know I have the capacity to be the person who intervenes and the person who turns away, unsure that my gut itls telling the truth.
I think he is right, I am just not sure I know how to always be in the place where I respond instead of being paralysed by doubt.
posted by chapps at 11:16 PM on December 15, 2015
I think about the question of intervening a lot, and I know I have the capacity to be the person who intervenes and the person who turns away, unsure that my gut itls telling the truth.
I think he is right, I am just not sure I know how to always be in the place where I respond instead of being paralysed by doubt.
posted by chapps at 11:16 PM on December 15, 2015
I've seen this type (sort of): my friend was attacked by a crazed hockey dad when we were both 14. My friend was "too good": playing D and scoring a steady 4-5 points per game. The dad saw my friend in the hallway outside the dressing rooms after a game and he snapped, grabbing him by the neck and choking him against a brick wall, only letting up after two adults intervened, one of whom was a police constable.
Relevant to today's NHL, however, it's been terribly depressing to see the reaction to this article compared to how hockey people reacted to the allegations made against Patrick Kane. O'Sullivan's claims are accorded a level of acceptance that was NEVER EVER extended to Kane's alleged victim.
When a hockey player makes an allegation, we're all in. When someone makes an allegation against a hockey player, well hold on there for a second let's just wait and see for a second and then let's just forget about it if he's really good.
I believe Patrick O'Sullivan. I also believe the accuser of Patrick Kane.
posted by The Notorious SRD at 11:34 PM on December 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
Relevant to today's NHL, however, it's been terribly depressing to see the reaction to this article compared to how hockey people reacted to the allegations made against Patrick Kane. O'Sullivan's claims are accorded a level of acceptance that was NEVER EVER extended to Kane's alleged victim.
When a hockey player makes an allegation, we're all in. When someone makes an allegation against a hockey player, well hold on there for a second let's just wait and see for a second and then let's just forget about it if he's really good.
I believe Patrick O'Sullivan. I also believe the accuser of Patrick Kane.
posted by The Notorious SRD at 11:34 PM on December 15, 2015 [5 favorites]
O'Sullivan has a rationale for his father's abuse that seems to be good enough for him to have let some of this go, thankfully. Macho fear of weakness, projection.. this is understandable in an abstract way. I can imagine the sickness of habit taking over past a certain point.
But what is incomprehensible to me are the things that happened right in the moment, those first few times - what process, what feeling came across him, to make it possible to look at a little face like that, little legs like that, and think, yes, the thing to do is hit this child? To see someone so small and vulnerable cry, and think, yes, continue?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:44 PM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
But what is incomprehensible to me are the things that happened right in the moment, those first few times - what process, what feeling came across him, to make it possible to look at a little face like that, little legs like that, and think, yes, the thing to do is hit this child? To see someone so small and vulnerable cry, and think, yes, continue?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:44 PM on December 15, 2015 [7 favorites]
It's not something that can be made sense of in that way, I guess... He was a hockey player as well, it's not impossible that he experienced more than one head injury by the time he was a father. Just so awful.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:57 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:57 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]
Absolutely horrific, and beyond understanding. A very good point about the dad being too far gone but what about the others? What about his mother? Coach? Parents?
We've always stayed away from team sports because of the crazy parents
This is really too bad, because the positive experiences that are possible for kids from team sports are too valuable to give up. I'm involved in management for a fairly large youth league and we are all committed to never letting a touch of this culture get a peek in. We'll take any dads for a long walk if we see them even appear to take it too seriously. We always said to parents that if you didn't win enough during the week, that's your problem but don't bring it out here on the weekend. Luckily, our vibe is such that it hasn't been a problem for us, we attract a different sort.
Not to miss the forest of this abuse story for the trees, but his aside here is so valuable on its own and worth remembering for all of us and any potential helicopter parents in particular
You know when you actually get good at sports? When you’re having fun and being creative. When you’re being a kid. When you don’t even realize you’re getting better, that’s when you’re getting better. If you’re not engaged in what you’re doing, it’s as helpful as taking the trash out. It’s just another chore.
posted by C.A.S. at 2:08 AM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
We've always stayed away from team sports because of the crazy parents
This is really too bad, because the positive experiences that are possible for kids from team sports are too valuable to give up. I'm involved in management for a fairly large youth league and we are all committed to never letting a touch of this culture get a peek in. We'll take any dads for a long walk if we see them even appear to take it too seriously. We always said to parents that if you didn't win enough during the week, that's your problem but don't bring it out here on the weekend. Luckily, our vibe is such that it hasn't been a problem for us, we attract a different sort.
Not to miss the forest of this abuse story for the trees, but his aside here is so valuable on its own and worth remembering for all of us and any potential helicopter parents in particular
You know when you actually get good at sports? When you’re having fun and being creative. When you’re being a kid. When you don’t even realize you’re getting better, that’s when you’re getting better. If you’re not engaged in what you’re doing, it’s as helpful as taking the trash out. It’s just another chore.
posted by C.A.S. at 2:08 AM on December 16, 2015 [5 favorites]
what process, what feeling came across him, to make it possible to look at a little face like that, little legs like that, and think, yes, the thing to do is hit this child? To see someone so small and vulnerable cry, and think, yes, continue?
well, i doubt his son was the first deeply vulnerable person he hit.
posted by listen, lady at 3:53 AM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
well, i doubt his son was the first deeply vulnerable person he hit.
posted by listen, lady at 3:53 AM on December 16, 2015 [3 favorites]
Lots of abusers were abused themselves as children.
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:44 AM on December 16, 2015
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:44 AM on December 16, 2015
Growing up in western PA, I had a friend, Jeff, who would come to my house and nicely ask if I could play, then when I came outside he would inevitably find an excuse to fight. Afterward he'd be perfectly nice and fun to play with. I found it baffling at the time. He never did any real damage but the blows were real. We moved away when I was 7.
40 years later a reunion was held for everyone who had ever lived on that street. I had every intention of finding Jeff and giving him a good smack on the arm for all those times we rolled around in the dirt for no apparent reason.
Jeff didn't show, but I mentioned this to someone who'd grown up next door to Jeff's family. "Oh, I know why he fought you," she said calmly. "Every single night his father beat him. We could hear Jeff screaming." I was speechless, chilled.
"My God, why didn't anyone say anything?"
"It was the 60s. It was their business." She took a bite of cake. "That's just how it was."
posted by kinnakeet at 4:46 AM on December 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
40 years later a reunion was held for everyone who had ever lived on that street. I had every intention of finding Jeff and giving him a good smack on the arm for all those times we rolled around in the dirt for no apparent reason.
Jeff didn't show, but I mentioned this to someone who'd grown up next door to Jeff's family. "Oh, I know why he fought you," she said calmly. "Every single night his father beat him. We could hear Jeff screaming." I was speechless, chilled.
"My God, why didn't anyone say anything?"
"It was the 60s. It was their business." She took a bite of cake. "That's just how it was."
posted by kinnakeet at 4:46 AM on December 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
I know in my area that before any kids are cleared to play with a team, their parents are required to complete an online course on how to behave respectfully. I don't know if the course would change a whole lot, but the minor hockey associations have become a lot more strict about bad behaviour and have banned the most egregious offenders. Usually, though, this has been an issue with parents fighting other parents or attacking officials, I don't know if it would help with abuse against the kids as well.
posted by jamincan at 4:59 AM on December 16, 2015
posted by jamincan at 4:59 AM on December 16, 2015
"It was the 60s. It was their business." She took a bite of cake. "That's just how it was."
Well, except that it's not just the 60s. That's still the predominant attitude, most everywhere. "It's their business, stay out of it, they're raising their children their own way, mind your own business."
To many people, what's worse than abusing a child and leaving him with emotional scars for the rest of his life is for some stranger to tell them how to take care of their children. How dare you!
I see very little change in that attitude from the 60s to now, other than that a few celebrities and famous people have been able to successfully come out of the shadows and publicize their own abuse and try to shine a brighter spotlight on the general problem (and more power to them). It's true that that would've never happened up until, say, 15-20 years ago.
posted by blucevalo at 5:11 AM on December 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Well, except that it's not just the 60s. That's still the predominant attitude, most everywhere. "It's their business, stay out of it, they're raising their children their own way, mind your own business."
To many people, what's worse than abusing a child and leaving him with emotional scars for the rest of his life is for some stranger to tell them how to take care of their children. How dare you!
I see very little change in that attitude from the 60s to now, other than that a few celebrities and famous people have been able to successfully come out of the shadows and publicize their own abuse and try to shine a brighter spotlight on the general problem (and more power to them). It's true that that would've never happened up until, say, 15-20 years ago.
posted by blucevalo at 5:11 AM on December 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
This sounds hauntingly familiar. My mother's best friend's husband was an amazing hockey player who never quite made it out of being a star college athlete, and he pushed his son ragged, with a great heaping of OCD-style abuse on top of it (he'd beat his son if his room wasn't clean, and then trash the room so he'd have "a real mess to clean up," for instance). The son turned out to be a most excellent hockey player, until he got big enough to beat his father back once (and was considered wrong for hitting his parent) and then he put down the stick and never returned to it.
He's a raging alcoholic who has never gotten his life together. That abusive bastard died about 30 years ago, and his son is just a little bit older than me, and my mother still doesn't think that what happened was really abuse, just "pushing hard," and "it was another time." It's mind-baffling, how people can turn a blind eye.
posted by xingcat at 6:52 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
He's a raging alcoholic who has never gotten his life together. That abusive bastard died about 30 years ago, and his son is just a little bit older than me, and my mother still doesn't think that what happened was really abuse, just "pushing hard," and "it was another time." It's mind-baffling, how people can turn a blind eye.
posted by xingcat at 6:52 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
what process, what feeling came across him, to make it possible to look at a little face like that, little legs like that, and think, yes, the thing to do is hit this child? To see someone so small and vulnerable cry, and think, yes, continue?
well, i doubt his son was the first deeply vulnerable person he hit.
Sometimes the kid is, though. I mean, I don't know about O'Sullivan's father, but I can think of two people I know (both women, which may not be coincidental) who were only abusive toward their children and no one else. It's a hard thing to figure out, especially when there's not a clear narrative of greater violence in the abuser's life or when that narrative is indirect. And it may be harder to recognize if it only comes out in one relationship.
posted by thetortoise at 8:09 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
well, i doubt his son was the first deeply vulnerable person he hit.
Sometimes the kid is, though. I mean, I don't know about O'Sullivan's father, but I can think of two people I know (both women, which may not be coincidental) who were only abusive toward their children and no one else. It's a hard thing to figure out, especially when there's not a clear narrative of greater violence in the abuser's life or when that narrative is indirect. And it may be harder to recognize if it only comes out in one relationship.
posted by thetortoise at 8:09 AM on December 16, 2015 [2 favorites]
"It's their business, stay out of it, they're raising their children their own way, mind your own business."
I can't count the times I felt betrayed by the world when one of my parents was visibly beating the crap out of me in the street and nobody said a word. My teachers, my neighbors, random people in the street. I remember the despair I felt hoping SOMEONE would say something. Nobody ever did.
Everyone stared though, which made me feel so ashamed.
Not intervening and staring really made it feel like I deserved it all.
posted by Tarumba at 9:17 AM on December 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
I can't count the times I felt betrayed by the world when one of my parents was visibly beating the crap out of me in the street and nobody said a word. My teachers, my neighbors, random people in the street. I remember the despair I felt hoping SOMEONE would say something. Nobody ever did.
Everyone stared though, which made me feel so ashamed.
Not intervening and staring really made it feel like I deserved it all.
posted by Tarumba at 9:17 AM on December 16, 2015 [9 favorites]
That abusive bastard died about 30 years ago, and his son is just a little bit older than me, and my mother still doesn't think that what happened was really abuse, just "pushing hard," and "it was another time."
Ah yes: It Was Another Time, the ultimate in bullshit magical-thinking self-comforting copouts for abuse and atrocities of all kinds.
posted by blucevalo at 10:38 AM on December 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
Ah yes: It Was Another Time, the ultimate in bullshit magical-thinking self-comforting copouts for abuse and atrocities of all kinds.
posted by blucevalo at 10:38 AM on December 16, 2015 [4 favorites]
I often wonder what life would have been like if someone had intervened with my aunt and uncle, who beat their five children. They also fostered children for a while, and I remember that my aunt tormented one little boy in particular. Bad craziness, mental illness for sure, and no one ever said a thing. I got very little of the abuse, but enough to stay out of arm's reach of my aunt until I was grown. This was the 1970s. (These days, they are both in their 70s and perfectly pleasant.)
There was a family down the street with 11 kids, they all beat the crap out of each other right out on the sidewalk. No one ever dared intervene - if you attacked one, they'd all come after you. Familial violence as a way of life.
I "told" on a kid in middle school (1977) who was beaten by his stepfather (with the buckle end of the belt). The kid got sent to Israel and we never saw him again.
This kind of thing still goes on. You may recall a recent court case in NY of a family that beat one of their nearly grown sons to death, because he wasn't complying with their restrictive religious beliefs to their satisfaction.
posted by corvikate at 1:50 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
There was a family down the street with 11 kids, they all beat the crap out of each other right out on the sidewalk. No one ever dared intervene - if you attacked one, they'd all come after you. Familial violence as a way of life.
I "told" on a kid in middle school (1977) who was beaten by his stepfather (with the buckle end of the belt). The kid got sent to Israel and we never saw him again.
This kind of thing still goes on. You may recall a recent court case in NY of a family that beat one of their nearly grown sons to death, because he wasn't complying with their restrictive religious beliefs to their satisfaction.
posted by corvikate at 1:50 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm more impressed by his determination to use his own success to help other victims of the type of abuse he suffered.
No kidding. It seems he's written a book describing the abuse to share his message, and started an organization to help players adjust to life after hockey. Amazing.
As an aside, and no doubt not unrelated, it's wonderful to see that the treatment he got for PTSD was effective:
It wasn’t until his hockey career ended that O’Sullivan found the help he needed. In California, he sought therapy and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
“There were four or five traumatic things that happened to me, (the therapist) called them ‘stuck points.’ So through all of the different exercises, we were able to unlock the emotion that surrounds that one event. So now if I talk about one of those events, it like talking about going to go get a glass of water. There is literally no emotion around the event, which is really cool.”
I like what he's saying about looking at hockey as a game of intelligence and skill, and shedding the unnecessary brutality. (I think the brutality is exactly what some people still like about it, but it looks like that's changing for the better, and I think that conversation will probably benefit from his experience and voice.)
[Here's a former coach reflecting on Patrick and his father. Who knows how fair an account it is - he may be deciding to forget suspicions or troubling thoughts. It does further describe John O'Sullivan's obsession with and level of involvement in his son's progress in hockey.]
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:10 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
No kidding. It seems he's written a book describing the abuse to share his message, and started an organization to help players adjust to life after hockey. Amazing.
As an aside, and no doubt not unrelated, it's wonderful to see that the treatment he got for PTSD was effective:
It wasn’t until his hockey career ended that O’Sullivan found the help he needed. In California, he sought therapy and was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
“There were four or five traumatic things that happened to me, (the therapist) called them ‘stuck points.’ So through all of the different exercises, we were able to unlock the emotion that surrounds that one event. So now if I talk about one of those events, it like talking about going to go get a glass of water. There is literally no emotion around the event, which is really cool.”
I like what he's saying about looking at hockey as a game of intelligence and skill, and shedding the unnecessary brutality. (I think the brutality is exactly what some people still like about it, but it looks like that's changing for the better, and I think that conversation will probably benefit from his experience and voice.)
[Here's a former coach reflecting on Patrick and his father. Who knows how fair an account it is - he may be deciding to forget suspicions or troubling thoughts. It does further describe John O'Sullivan's obsession with and level of involvement in his son's progress in hockey.]
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:10 PM on December 16, 2015 [1 favorite]
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