On literal white tears

May 8, 2016 8:11 AM

White Women’s Tears and the Men Who Love Them: "Crying in racial discussions is often viewed from a white perspective as a supportive gesture of shared experience. But in the context of cross-racial discussion about racism, no form of white engagement that is not informed by an antiracist perspective is benign." Robin DiAngelo, author of the popular White Fragility paper [pdf], discusses the gendered nature of white fragility and the racist implications of white women crying when confronted with racism.

As DiAngelo's co-facilitator says:

“It’s infuriating because of its audacity of disrespect to our experience. You are crying because you are uncomfortable with your feelings when we are barely allowed to have any. You are ashamed or some such thing and cry, but we are not allowed to have any feelings because then we are being difficult. We are supposed to remain stoic and strong because otherwise we become the angry and scary people of color. We are only allowed to have feelings for the sake of your entertainment, as in the presentation of our funerals. And even then, there are expectations of what is allowed for us to express. We are abused daily, beaten, raped and killed but you are sad and that’s what is important. That’s why it is sooooo hard to take.”

posted by Conspire (7 comments total)

WHITE FRAGILITY CARD!! YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THIS CARD BECAUSE YOU HAVE ENGAGED IN ONE OR MORE OF THE FOLLOWING:
- Control of the conversation by speaking first, last and most often;
- Arrogant and disingenuous invalidation of racial inequality via “just playing the devil’s advocate”;
- Simplistic and presumptuous proclamations of “the answer” to racism (“People just need to…”);
- Playing the outraged victim of “reverse racism”;
- Accusations that the legendary “race card” is being played;
- Silence and withdrawal;
- Hostile body-language;
- Channel-switching (“The true oppression is class!”);
- Intellectualizing and distancing (“I recommend this book…”).

Feel free to print this out on a tiny card and laminate it for whenever you find yourself in situations like this.
posted by Fizz at 8:22 AM on May 8, 2016 [4 favorites]

in the context of cross-racial discussion about racism, no form of white engagement that is not informed by an antiracist perspective is benign.

"no form of white engagement" that somehow doesn't meet some undefined rubric...

I mean, how are white people supposed to learn and grow? How are they supposed to make mistakes and learn and become better, if their every mis-step they take even in the service of realization and striving is going to be denounced as toxic?

I have zero experience with white women bursting into tears in the face of racism, but I have plenty of my own experience (48 year old gay white male) of bursting into tears when I have had a deep feeling of problematic social shame when confronted with racism.

The article itself acknowledges white supremacy as a social force, and yes, it's entirely true that white people don't notice racism unless it is forced upon them. But those moments when a white person is confronted with the background miasma of racism in the US on a level when it affects them personally, deeply, emotionally... tears somehow aren't appropriate? Those tears are seen as a force of aggression and reinforcement of the racist status quo?

I mean, seriously, we're dealing with human beings here, not with theoretical sociological units. If someone has been reduced to tears by them realizing something deep about institutional racism, isn't that actually a good moment that reduces racism by a certain amount? It's not like white people suddenly struck by the depth of institutional racism are bursting into tears in order to somehow strengthen racist actions within their culture.

i'm at a loss about how to proceed here. I feel like what this article is positing is that, as a white person, I'm not allowed to have emotions about how shitty people similar to me have been across centuries. I guess I should never engage with any matters involving race, unless I am sure that engagement won't somehow lead me to having an emotional response? Or what?

I'm not being flippant here. This article left me with a lot of deeply mixed emotions and I would welcome any guidance.
posted by hippybear at 8:32 AM on May 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

i'm at a loss about how to proceed here. I feel like what this article is positing is that, as a white person, I'm not allowed to have emotions about how shitty people similar to me have been across centuries. I guess I should never engage with any matters involving race, unless I am sure that engagement won't somehow lead me to having an emotional response? Or what?

Well, fortunately, the article actually does tell you what to do. First, you leave the room if you're having an emotional overreaction, so you don't impact the people of color in it. Then, as DiAngelo says: while we cannot control how our tears impact others, we need to find ways that don’t privilege our immediate emotional needs over the needs of people of color. This work should take place with other white people or within an authentic, mutual relationship with a person of color who has agreed to assist us. Affinity groups are especially constructive spaces to do our grieving. Contact Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ) or European Dissent for information on how affinity groups work and where to find them.
posted by Conspire at 8:34 AM on May 8, 2016 [3 favorites]

> "How are they supposed to make mistakes and learn and become better, if they every mis-step they take even in the service of realization and striving is going to be denounced as toxic?"

Intended as a serious question: why does having a mis-step denounced as toxic prevent you from learning and becoming better?
posted by kyrademon at 8:35 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

I mean, how are white people supposed to learn and grow? How are they supposed to make mistakes and learn and become better, if their every mis-step they take even in the service of realization and striving is going to be denounced as toxic?

There are lots of ways, but one of them could be reading and processing articles like this on your own time, in your own space, without forcing random people of color to deal with the fallout. The article isn't saying that you're not allowed to have emotions. It's saying that you should be mindful of how you express those emotions and how that impacts other people. Most of us have some control over how we express our emotions: as the article points out, most women manage not to cry publicly at work, because we know that there are serious consequences if we do that.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:38 AM on May 8, 2016 [2 favorites]

I guess maybe this is mostly related to being at work in some kind of workshop/meeting then. And doesn't have to do much with daily life outside of work. I have never worked anywhere where there would be the sort of workshop or meeting that would have POC and white people sitting around talking about how race is involved in interactions. I guess this is A Thing in workplaces? I have no idea.
posted by hippybear at 8:41 AM on May 8, 2016

I think it helps to consider the meaning of the phrase "white tears". The second sentence of the article lays it out: "This term refers to all of the ways, both literally and metaphorically, that white people cry about how hard racism is on us." (emphasis theirs)

It's not saying that any emotion makes you an oppressive toxic asshole. It's when you shut conversations about race down so that everyone can see how emotional you are and help you deal with those emotions that you are being a problem. Not doing that? Then I think you're probably okay.
posted by palomar at 8:43 AM on May 8, 2016