Assistant Deputy Provost for the Office of Dining Technology
May 16, 2016 3:01 PM   Subscribe

University Title Generator. Includes estimated salaries.
posted by Cash4Lead (50 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
I dunno... There's a lot of salaries for committees and task forces. I think the heads of those are just folks with other jobs on campus being forced to fulfill their service requirements. I don't think anyone leading any task force is getting paid six figures for that. They are being paid for their real job, and then those task forces are just extra, unpaid work piled on top.
posted by MythMaker at 3:06 PM on May 16, 2016 [9 favorites]


or, the Deanlet Applet
posted by RogerB at 3:08 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


Associate Manager of the Committee on Strategic Athletic Communications

Seems about right
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:11 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


It's also a graduate certificate program, GenjiandProust!

I got Assistant Vice President of Academic Communications for the Task Force on Donor Partnerships. I am pretty sure I know someone who actually had that job.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 3:13 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


The titles are spot on, but the salaries are waaaaaaay low. See here.
posted by mudpuppie at 3:17 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Deputy Chair of Athletic Relations of the Committee on Investor Relations, $300,014.

I'd take that as my service gig if I could, sure.
posted by Dashy at 3:18 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Temporary Associate Executive for the Subcommittee for Community Compliance

Estimated salary: $95,731


Not bad for a temp job, eh?
posted by Thorzdad at 3:19 PM on May 16, 2016


Donor partnerships - that would be the people who donate, like, $20,000 every year, or maybe a stadium. While I would much, much rather have universities supported primarily by the state, at the moment schmoozing with rich people is really important, and you need talented schmoozers.

I dunno, as a university employee (with a lowly pink collar title and matching wages) I feel like this whole type of thing is based on the popular American belief that universities don't really do much that's worth while, and therefore the whole thing should be run on chewing gum and whatever committees the faculty actually want to serve on.

Are there overpaid people at universities? Yeah, sure, but an awful lot of them are overpaid to do necessary things. Do you really want to be all "ah, diversity is bullshit, if it doesn't happen naturally it's not worthwhile"? In my particular part of the university, for instance, we actually do have paid staff whose work is to do with recruitment of minorities, grant-writing to fund scholarships for underrepresented groups, managing the diversity piece of the curriculum, working in the community so that that public service piece is sorta-kinda serving diverse communities. It's a lot of work, and it's important because our programs should be creating members of several skilled professions who will serve diverse populations and who need to represent diverse populations for cultural competency reasons.

Universities are large, complex places that fill many, many functions for increasingly diverse populations. Like, back in 1930 when the norm was that university was for rich white people, mostly men, and people who were not well-off white men had to act as much like the well-off white men as possible in order to blend in, sure, you didn't need all this stuff. As jaundiced a view as I have of university life at this point, I still think things are better now than they were then.
posted by Frowner at 3:25 PM on May 16, 2016 [41 favorites]


As someone who has served on various committees and task forces, I suspect this is funnier if you're not an academic. (On my campus, committees and task forces may well pay if you take them on as extra summer service, by which I mean you may get anywhere from $100-$750 or so, depending on the hours involved. Otherwise, no. Also, most of those salaries are higher than what my president makes, which is in the low-to-mid 200sK.)

It's possible that grading is making me grouchy.
posted by thomas j wise at 3:28 PM on May 16, 2016 [10 favorites]


Yeah, that's the other thing - these titles almost all just indicate your position on the committee or the task force. Your primary job might be department chairing it up in Public Health, but you'll have a couple of additional task-forcey things to do after hours.

I mean, it's a way better gig than factory work, of course, and having a tenured university gig is certainly one of the sweetest deals on the planet today, but it's not entirely loafing in your office while waiting for your next salary increase.
posted by Frowner at 3:32 PM on May 16, 2016


The salaries are bogus, but the titles?

"Vice Manager of Facilities Compliance of the Task Force on Strategic Dining Compliance"
posted by CBrachyrhynchos at 3:37 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Oh god, this is far too accurate.

Deputy Executive for Interdepartmental Compliance for the Task Force on Strategic Academic Diversity

Like, sure we want diversity, but how can we make it strategic?
posted by Paragon at 3:41 PM on May 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


The titles are spot on, but the salaries are waaaaaaay low.

Working for the CSUF student newspaper, I got sent out to the university president's house one morning because an ancient 100-foot tree on the property had fallen over in a storm. I had never been there before, and up until that moment, I didn't realize that the house was free perk of his compensation package.

Holy shit, it was a giant mansion. It's called El Dorado Ranch. It sits on 4 acres of land in the middle of Orange County.

The Internet says it was last appraised in 1989 at $2 million. Given what the OC housing market has done since then, it's probably worth 10x that.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 3:44 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Assistant Dean of the Committee on Investor Climate

Estimated salary: $372,881


This is outrageous the dean does nothing I do all the work while he gets the big bucks.
posted by Joe in Australia at 3:46 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Meh. Funny job titles are funny. Plus, there are some people at my university who are making a ridiculous amount of money, although they certainly aren't the majority. And we're increasingly hiring people from corporate backgrounds, which is driving both the ridiculous salaries for (some kinds of) administrators and some of the ridiculous job titles. You don't have to demonize academia at all to acknowledge that.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 3:59 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


I didn't realize that the house was free perk of his compensation package.

Or you could say the university president is required to live 24/7 (for those weeks that he's not fundraising out on the road) in the University Office of Extremely Wealthy Donor Relations.
posted by straight at 4:05 PM on May 16, 2016 [10 favorites]


Yeah, I think the supposed ballooning of "admin" salaries is mostly a misunderstanding of who the admins are (small armies of bio lab administrators making $80k, very few deans making $200k). But hey the site is kinda funny.
posted by miyabo at 4:05 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Depends on where you work. A certain school I am familiar with (throat clear) went from having just a Provost to having a dozen Associate Provosts for Different Blah Blah Blah in a single summer. Some of them were "promoted" from being Directors or Associate Deans, but several of them were just hired out of the blue. In the University System of Georgia, most faculty have not had a raise in 9 years. But we certainly need more Executive Directors.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:14 PM on May 16, 2016 [7 favorites]


I got a crazy one, "Curator of the Donald and Mary Hyde Collection of Dr. Samuel Johnson and of Early Modern Books & Manuscripts." Sounds like some made-up bullshit.
posted by Horace Rumpole at 4:22 PM on May 16, 2016 [16 favorites]


I got a crazy one, "Curator of the Donald and Mary Hyde Collection of Dr. Samuel Johnson and of Early Modern Books & Manuscripts."

Hmph. That one's not even believable.
posted by DiscourseMarker at 4:47 PM on May 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


Yeah, curating, that's just fancy-talk for sittin' around on your hindquarters, innit?

Not like those books is going anywhere.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:47 PM on May 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


I got a crazy one, "Curator of the Donald and Mary Hyde Collection of Dr. Samuel Johnson and of Early Modern Books & Manuscripts." Sounds like some made-up bullshit.

Associate deanships are the last refuge of a scoundrel.
posted by leotrotsky at 4:51 PM on May 16, 2016


Associate Chancellor of the Task Force on Donor Technology

Estimated salary: $595,840


Yes please!
posted by cooker girl at 4:58 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


I think it's broken, I got "Part-time Assistant Adjunct for Strategic MOOC Relations" and my salary is actually a negative number?
posted by No-sword at 4:59 PM on May 16, 2016 [22 favorites]


no i'll take it when do i start
posted by No-sword at 5:03 PM on May 16, 2016 [6 favorites]


They're missing "Adjunct Instructor of Graphic Design: $Crap."
posted by Mcable at 5:17 PM on May 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


Wait, you do get a discount on your Adobe CC subscription, so there's that.
posted by Mcable at 5:18 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


There's an ongoing controversy at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and other campuses in the University of California system over how Administrative Costs have been growing madly while Actual Teaching Costs (primarily the salaries of Professors, Assistants, etc.) have stagnated. In fact, a semi-union representing Professors came close to holding a one-day walkout last month until the Universities agreed to give them all a not-very-large raise.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:30 PM on May 16, 2016


Hmph. That one's not even believable.

Yeah! What kind of chump would take a job where he could thumb Johnsons all day long?!
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:38 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


Seriously, I interviewed for one of these jobs about ten years ago. The actual title was something like "Information and Communication Assistant to Office Of the Dean Of Intra-University Communications" or something, but it was basically an okay-paying full-time copywriting and editing job with benefits. It was a deeply weird interview because the guy conducting it kicked off with a long silence and then asked if I knew what it meant that I was both over- and under- qualified for the position. I didn't know if that was a trick question so I said "It sounds like maybe I'm just, you know, qualified." And he gave me the look that clearly said we've already planned to hire someone from another department but university mandates that we post this job and go through this whole charade of considering other people. I then spent the rest of the (fifteen minute) interview listening to him bloviate about his marathon training and university management strategies. Then we shook hands and it was over. I was perfectly happy to not get the job.
posted by thivaia at 5:56 PM on May 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


Associate Provost for Food Safety and Feline Claw Protection in Matters Related to Israel and Palestine.

Salary: $5.00
posted by 4ster at 6:15 PM on May 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


I work in higher ed, and we've had a running joke along these lines for something like a decade. Whenever anyone gets promoted or talks about getting promoted, the response is always something like, "Ah, Acting Interim Assistant Vice-Provost of [insert department here], eh?".
posted by ryanshepard at 6:29 PM on May 16, 2016 [2 favorites]


Associate Provost for Food Safety and Feline Claw Protection in Matters Related to Israel and Palestine.

Salary: $5.00


Same as in town?
posted by Itaxpica at 6:44 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


So, given how public university finances, salaries, and appointments are, genuine complaints about administrative bloat shouldn't need to make shit up about it. Shall we assume that tuition rates and adjunct faculty substitions aren't actually caused by a surplus of do-nothing deans?
posted by pwnguin at 6:50 PM on May 16, 2016


Associate Provost for the Office of Donor Compliance

Estimated salary: $436,337


I need to get into administration
posted by T.D. Strange at 6:56 PM on May 16, 2016


"Athletics" in the title is like some kind of force multiplier. All those salaries are like three times whatever other crap there is.
posted by resurrexit at 7:25 PM on May 16, 2016


The source code on github.

Fork it and get the job you really want!
posted by srboisvert at 7:28 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


if is_athletic:
multiplier *= 1.5
posted by srboisvert at 7:28 PM on May 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


Yeah, pwnguin, I don't think that's really much of the story, in reality. It's terrible optics, but the few salaries that get into serious numbers are a drop in the bucket of a large public institutional budget.

My main problem with the layers of administration at my institution is that it's basically the place that good and necessary ideas go to die. We've been waiting for guidance on certain important issues for literally years while committees are formed so they can discuss the possibility of scheduling a date to review the feasibility of deciding to actually speak about an issue maybe sometime. They all appear to be so terribly terribly busy but somehow nothing ever gets done. That's infuriating as a staff person frequently tasked with trying to explain institutional policy (and lack thereof) to faculty, but I don't think it has much to do with tuition.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:33 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


Associate President of the Task Force on Investor Diversity

Estimated salary: $322,112


Woo hoo! Sign me up!
posted by SisterHavana at 7:38 PM on May 16, 2016


I really hope no one at my university sees this. Someone high up would think the titles are AWESOME and start implementing them all over the place on purpose (without the associated salaries).

And I'm on a committee that people can apply to if they have some important work that requires time off from teaching to get done. E.g. someone says, "Hey, I've been appointed to the Diversity Taskforce, can I please have 5% less teaching next semester", and we say, "Done". But the most lucrative time-off-teaching ratios are for people who are appointed to "leadership" roles, e.g. if you get made a chair of a department, or an acting dean, or teaching group leader or something, we will give you 10-20% teaching relief. So we've had a rash lately of people sending in applications to our committee for teaching relief with some made up bullshit title they have given themselves, like, "Hey guys, I'm now deputy acting sub-chair of the philosphy teaching association, so I guess I get that 20% time off for this important job, right?"

If THOSE people get hold of this title generator, we are all doomed. (And I suspect some of them already have - it explains SO MUCH.)
posted by lollusc at 8:15 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


what a crazy coincidence
posted by knuckle tattoos at 8:16 PM on May 16, 2016


(Seriously, like 90% of our meetings lately are taken up by this conversation:
"The next application says he needs teaching relief because he has been serving as deputy interim sub-director of the strategic terrorism studies engagement committee"
Committee chair: "Does the strategic terrorism studies engagement committee have a deputy sub-director?"
Other committee member: "No, it doesn't even have a sub-director. There's just a director, and then one other guy who wishes he was the director and acts like he's in charge."
Committee chair: "So this applicant is the deputy-guy-who-wishes-he-was-in-charge?"
Third committee member: "No, wait a second, we don't even have a strategic terrorism studies engagement committee any more. That got disbanded in 2005."
Committee chair: "So this guy is just making shit up?"
Rest of committee: "Yup. Next?")
posted by lollusc at 8:21 PM on May 16, 2016 [3 favorites]


It's sad that I fell into this industry basically because I didn't have a driver's license and thus couldn't get a job anywhere else. Now it's too late to leave.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:31 PM on May 16, 2016 [4 favorites]


Vice Provost for the Committee on Employee Compliance
I bet there are twenty-three other vice provosts, none of whom are aware of the others.
Double-secret committee or something.
posted by detachd at 8:51 PM on May 16, 2016 [1 favorite]


There's a ongoing temporarily resolved controversy at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo and other campuses in the University of California California State University system over how Administrative Costs have been growing madly while Actual Teaching Costs (primarily the salaries of Professors, Assistants, etc.) have stagnated. In fact, a semi-union the California Faculty Association, the union representing Professors, Librarians, Instructors and Coaches, came close to holding a one-day five day walkout strike last month until the Universities agreed to give them all a not-very-large 10.5% raise over two years plus 2.65% raise for those eligible for a step increase.

And I told myself I was done giving students feedback for the semester.
posted by one_bean at 11:07 PM on May 16, 2016 [5 favorites]


the supposed ballooning of "admin" salaries

"Supposed"? I get that there are definition and mean vs. median issues, but is anyone seriously suggesting there hasn't been enormous ballooning of administrative positions over the last 20-30 years?
posted by mediareport at 5:15 AM on May 17, 2016


Sure, but "administration" covers a lot of different stuff, and a lot of those new administration positions are in things like IT and student services and pay like $40,000 a year. And we can argue about whether that's a good thing, but it's not Associate Dean for Strategic Athletic Compliance making $350,000 a year. I think those things sometimes get conflated in these discussions.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 5:20 AM on May 17, 2016 [5 favorites]


Sure, but "administration" covers a lot of different stuff, and a lot of those new administration positions are in things like IT and student services and pay like $40,000 a year. And we can argue about whether that's a good thing, but it's not Associate Dean for Strategic Athletic Compliance making $350,000 a year. I think those things sometimes get conflated in these discussions.

I think what's actually getting conflated is (1) the fact that public universities are increasingly being run like corporations, with all of the administrative bloat, top-heavy pay salary structure, and crony capitalism that goes with it; and (2) the ongoing battle against public education being waged by conservatives. So on the one hand, many of the new administrative positions - to support diversity, to comply with Title IX, to have functioning IT - are absolutely necessary. On the other hand, the AVP for IT, who's never worked in academia before, changes the content platform every three years and the contracts just happen to be passed around among companies whose owners are on the Board of Regents. And the Chancellor keeps getting prime corporate positions that pay hundreds of thousands of dollars per year on, say, an academic publishing company board, which company just happens to have a multi-million dollar contract with the university. Or the President's staff keeps retiring on a $200k/year pension and then re-hired as a special advisor with a separate salary.

It can be hard to thread the needle between legitimate administrative growth and excessive corporatism, but both exist and there really are Associate Deans for Strategic Athletic Compliance who actually are just family friends who get to take expensive fishing trips in Alaska on the University dime to "woo donors."
posted by one_bean at 9:28 AM on May 17, 2016


I don't work for a university, but I know people who do. One of the generated titles struck a chord with me. I offer the following:

As the Lead Deputy President of the Task Force on Learning Partnerships, I would like to propose a partnership between faculty and staff in which employees in each category would have the opportunity to learn about the pressures, benefits and complexities of work in the other job category.

Staff can learn what it feels like to publish or perish, to be dependent on grant funding, and to do 12 simultaneous jobs (seven of which are grant-funded and require 40% of available time, three of which are university-funded and require 100% of available time, and the remaining two of which are things you do on your own time because if you don't, then you aren't innovating hard enough).

Faculty will learn what it's like to never have enough letters before or after your name to be permitted to speak up in meetings without running the risk of death by eyeroll, to be dependent upon decisions made five rungs up the ladder (which decisions are neither completely nor consistently explained), and to do 12 simultaneous jobs, (10 of which are university-funded (though not well) and require 140% of your available time, and the remaining two of which boil down to working strategically to be allowed to do your 10 actual jobs without having the authority, resources or support that you may need in order to do them).

At the end of this endeavor, both groups will meet with the Task Force and patiently explain why they're all there: health insurance, retirement benefits, and tuition waivers. The meeting will take five hours, and require that all attendees work extended comp time, (which they'll never have time to recoup) to meet the 427 deadlines endangered by the meeting's timing.

Five people will go out for beers. Three will look for new jobs. One will decide to throw in the university-logo towel and spend a year living the #vanlife.
posted by Flipping_Hades_Terwilliger at 1:31 PM on May 17, 2016 [3 favorites]


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