Who's a good Chocodile? You are!

January 24, 2017 4:56 PM

Lucky Peach magazine's Official Hostess Power Rankings: "Per usual, I have ranked these items in order of tastiness. I have also judged them by a metric I simply like to call “Is It A Good Pet Name?” which ranks these products in order of how cutely they would serve as a name for your new puppy or kitten (adopted from a shelter, of course)." Bonus song: Larry Groce - Junk Food Junkie
posted by Room 641-A (43 comments total)

“Oh is that what were gonna do today...were gonna fight!”
posted by Fizz at 5:21 PM on January 24, 2017 [3 favorites]

I used to love Suzy Q's before the Hostess bankruptcy debacle but the new ownership can't quite get cake component right. It's too dry and the chocolate isn't rich enough. A Suzy Q should feel slightluly damp in your hand with some heft to it; these new ones are far too light and "unmessy"
posted by KingEdRa at 5:35 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

We need to keep forum drama to a minimum THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
posted by hot_monster at 5:48 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Fruit pies: Correct.
Chocolate Donette: I could eat until my liver is chocolate-flavored paté.
posted by hot_monster at 5:51 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

I have not had Donettes since high school, but now that I think about it, "a big mouthful of dry bits of sponge" does indeed describe the eating experience. The chocolate cupcakes and Zingers were by far the superior product. Never could stand Twinkies, which may mark me as some sort of heretic.

However, I must object to the claim that Suzy Q is not a good name for a pet. One of my parents' late lamented cats was a rescued feral named Suzy Q (shown here in her original CSU Long Beach habitat) and the name suited nicely, thankyouverymuch.
posted by thomas j wise at 5:59 PM on January 24, 2017 [3 favorites]

Is it wrong that this made me hungry? It probably is.

I now want to name a pet Fruit Pie just out of spite. You can't tell me what to do, Lucky Peach writer!

(Honestly, though, based on memory, I think this ranking is mostly correct.)
posted by darksong at 6:09 PM on January 24, 2017

Whenever I'm finding myself unable to empathize with Captain America or Taylor in Planet of the Apes, I remind myself I live in a world where Zingers are now a Hostess product, which is easily as disorienting a change as talking gorillas or senators who work for Hydra.

So old. So many changes. So tired.
posted by mph at 6:33 PM on January 24, 2017 [8 favorites]

However, I must object to the claim that Suzy Q is not a good name for a pet. One of my parents' late lamented cats was a rescued feral named Suzy Q (shown here in her original CSU Long Beach habitat) and the name suited nicely, thankyouverymuch.
I have a friend who had a lamb called Susy Q, however, since her own name was Susie, she called the lamb Soosy. The name suited the lamb well, since she had one black eye. (Susie does not.)
posted by dannyboybell at 6:39 PM on January 24, 2017

Chocolate Donette:

We call them wax doughnuts. One of the few things I continue to eat even though I feel,worse after eating them.
posted by Room 641-A at 6:44 PM on January 24, 2017 [7 favorites]

hot_monster: "Fruit pies: Correct.
Chocolate Donette: I could eat until my liver is chocolate-flavored paté."

Do not badmouth the lemon pies. Or there will be blood (and forum drama). Also, how in the blistering green fuck did they leave off the chocolate pie, the rarest of the rare. Perhaps they made the crucial mistake of judging them mystical beasts of legend. Or they were just lazy hipster bastards that need to get the hell off my lawn and start REALLY PROPERLY judging snack foods...
posted by Samizdata at 6:51 PM on January 24, 2017 [5 favorites]

Chocodile is the snack cake of my youth. I can actually picture them on the shelf at Waldbaum's, in the last aisle, individually wrapped. (Why yes, I was a fat kid, why do you ask?)

Also Honey Bun would be a perfectly good name for a rabbit.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:51 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

I am so hungry right now.

Ding Dongs are vastly inferior to Ring Dings, but they both pale before the terrible might of Brooklyn-made hand crafted artisinal Ring Dings. which are genuinely super amazing
posted by phooky at 6:53 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Ho Hos never recovered from the shutdown / reboot of the brand. They used to be covered in a stiff chocolate that would crack off in chunks. Now they're covered in overly sweet soft chocolate coating.

Super disappointing.
posted by tocts at 6:59 PM on January 24, 2017 [5 favorites]

I like to pick up the junk food of my youth during my business trips back to the States, and I'm never sure if these snacks were better when I was a kid or I was just less picky. I grabbed a pack of Ho-Hos because they were my favorite Hostess snack cake and I'm glad to read that I'm not the only person who thinks that they've gotten noticeably worse.

Another disappoint was the Klondike Bar. Not only have they gotten smaller, but they use a weird pseudo ice cream filling instead of actual ice cream.
posted by C^3 at 7:23 PM on January 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Now they're covered in overly sweet soft chocolate coating.

Is it even possible to eat a Ho Ho without picking off all the chocolate first? Mon dieu.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:29 PM on January 24, 2017

Is anyone else bothered that the chart is only vaguely representative of the rankings? The cupcakes, despite tieing for pet name rank are not lined up horizontally. Twinkies and sno-balls appear to tie for first pet name rank. Etc.
posted by Dr. Twist at 7:31 PM on January 24, 2017

Zingers, ding dongs, ho-hos, sno balls, and twinkies all tasted good frozen. That's how we'd eat them when I was a kid. My mom went to a bread outlet. (Is that a thing outside of the western states?) The stuff was already expired so she'd throw them in the freezer.
Also, yeah, where are the pudding pies? I forgot about those :P
posted by hot_monster at 7:48 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

I don't even think you can pull the chocolate off the rebooted Ho Hos, which basically ruins them (plus it tastes worse). I think they reformulated it to standardize it with Ding Dongs and other snacks.

Probably saved them a penny each, and all it cost them was edibility.
posted by tocts at 7:51 PM on January 24, 2017

My mom went to a bread outlet. (Is that a thing outside of the western states?)

Oh yes, I have fond memories of the Wonder/Hostess outlet when we went to the Big City (Sioux City, Iowa).
posted by ArmandoAkimbo at 8:04 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Orange Cupcakes are the devil incarnate, beckoning me down the path to stretch-waistband slacks. I also note that Ho Ho's, with the second best peanutbutter-alike substance in a CVS Pharmacy (now that Planters no longer makes PB Crisps... or those amazeballs cheezeballs in the blue cylinder!) is ranked far, far too low.

In short, this chart is pants.
posted by Slap*Happy at 8:15 PM on January 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Yeah, those crunch donettes are oddly addictive.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:26 PM on January 24, 2017

I have not laughed so hard in weeks (admittedly, I recently spent some time in Brussels, not a funny place). Lucky Peach is wonderful. Regarding all of the opinions expressed above: aside from Twinkies, I have no experience or desire to experience the pain and pleasure of the snack-"foods" reviewed in the article. Call me an elitist, but I live in fly-over land, so I can comfortably deny the charge.
posted by kozad at 8:28 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

Bonus song: Larry Groce - Junk Food Junkie

Oh man, I'd managed to not think about that song for 40-odd years...yet here I am singing right along with the damn thing. Not only that, it reminded me of another song I'd repressed for nearly as long.

Good lord have pity on me.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:39 PM on January 24, 2017

No, Fruit Pie is a great name for a cat or a fat little lap dog. C'mon.
posted by blnkfrnk at 9:02 PM on January 24, 2017 [8 favorites]

I was gonna say the Sno Ball and powdered sugar Donette are clearly swapped on the taste axis, but maybe I'm thinking of Entenmann's anyway.
posted by atoxyl at 9:21 PM on January 24, 2017

Which I see they actually cover!
posted by atoxyl at 9:23 PM on January 24, 2017

I don't care what anyone says, I love powdered Donettes. Possibly they should be called powder-flavored Donettes. Doesn't matter. Still tasty and also one of the better calories-for-pocket-change options commonly available in vending machines.

Pretty sure that caloric value for money is the best metric by which to rank Hostess products. And availability. I don't remember the last time I saw a Chocodile in the wild.
posted by asperity at 9:30 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

The data points should be a make a line up the extreme left of the graph.
posted by Going To Maine at 9:50 PM on January 24, 2017

I got a knockoff HoHo out of a vending machine, and a friend of mine, who's kind of a food snob, described them as "foam-wrapped sugarjizz dipped in wax!" Doesn't stop me from eating one on occasion, but I'm usually more of a Nutty Bars fan.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 10:18 PM on January 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

We used to get four apple pies for $1 at the Hostess outlet store, and those were really delightful once nuked in the microwave. Or at least they were as a starving teenager, the current incarnations are not as good.

On the sidebar, there's a link to the Panda Express power rankings, which includes a couple of dishes I've never seen before, at least at the local stores.
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 10:55 PM on January 24, 2017

hot_monster: Fight me.

I will be the Fruit Pie Champion.
posted by ursus_comiter at 11:37 PM on January 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

ctrl-f 'Soul Coughing'
Phrase not found

:sad face:

Though isn't it interesting that chocodile didn't appear in the lyrics for, of all songs, 'Super Bon Bon'?
posted by eclectist at 4:04 AM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

Huh, they don't include the deep fried Twinkies that you can get from the freezer section at Walmart.
posted by ardgedee at 4:04 AM on January 25, 2017

but I'm usually more of a Nutty Bars fan.


Nutty Bars are amazeballs.
posted by newpotato at 4:25 AM on January 25, 2017

or those amazeballs cheezeballs in the blue cylinder

Oh god yes, those things. The Utz ones you can still get today are close, but they're just not the real deal.

I don't know what happened to the blue-can cheez balls, but they just disappeared overnight a few years back. Maybe the production process required R-22 Freon or something.
posted by Kadin2048 at 7:18 AM on January 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

I really like the orange cupcakes....
posted by Kitteh at 8:00 AM on January 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

I like the red Zingers, pink Sno Balls, and chocolate cupcakes, in that order. Other colors of Sno Balls are acceptable (particularly the green ones) but the chocolate Zingers are not Zingers, as far as I'm concerned.
posted by blnkfrnk at 10:35 AM on January 25, 2017

Powdered Donettes are as bad as they say, I suppose, but I had a grandmother who expressed love through junk food and she always had powdered Donettes when I came to visit. I loved the way they melted in my mouth and promised a morning of low blood sugar and a stain that wouldn't quite brush off my shirt.

Swiss Cake Rolls are not listed here, being Little Debbie brand, but they have always been my absolute favorite way to ruin my body.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:18 PM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

This chart is wrong* wrong** wrong***, but since Hostess Snack Cakes are no longer any good I suppose I just really don't care that much.

*orange cupcakes are the best.
** no pink Snoballs? Bah.
*** OMG the rare chocolate pie. We'd buy them even if they were smushed in the package.
posted by oneirodynia at 7:05 PM on January 25, 2017 [1 favorite]

I would name a pet "ding dong" in a heartbeat. You're half a breath away from their nickname being "dingus" and what pet, I ask you, is NOT a dingus?
posted by Grandysaur at 8:12 PM on January 25, 2017 [4 favorites]

I can't hear "Ding Dong" and not think of the beginning of the Weird Al Yankovic "Fat" video.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:17 PM on January 25, 2017 [2 favorites]

Hostess Ice Cream
posted by Room 641-A at 6:17 AM on January 26, 2017

Haha yes! Imagine naming your cat Ding Dong!

OK, so it's been 4 days since this was posted but I still break into paroxysms of uncontrollable laughter every time I think about this.
posted by capricorn at 8:44 PM on January 28, 2017 [1 favorite]