Wiggle He

December 24, 2017 10:59 AM

In 2006 a british man named Dave Bulmer went on the Something Awful forums and wove what is undoubtedly the silliest Christmas story ever told.

In it, an immature boy opens the doors of his Advent Calendar and reports on the needlessly cruel and silly contents. He does so with text and "Crude" MS Paint drawings until the epic conclusion involving the disembodied giant head of Richard Burton, the Herald of Christmas, Burgess Meridith, baby Snata, and a Christmas Syzygy. Then things get really wild...

Dave himself explains it here, which may or may not help.

Since those days, he has endeavored archive the whole mess for future generations (that's you) to also enjoy. As of this writing Dave has posted all of the 2006 calendar and is nearing the conclusion of the 2007 calendar.

The early 2000s saw a lot of incredible storytelling come out of internet forums, most famously perhaps MS Paint Adventures, which went on to become something nobody could have expected. These Christmas tales are entirely of the same mold, and although the first year is of questionable quality it sets the stage for increasingly buckwild tales in subsequent years. You really ought to just start at the beginning, and give it a chance yourself. Make sure to click on "next" whenever available to see all of each day before clicking "next day".

Below are some helpful navigational links.

2006
Door 1: Introduction
Door 2: A Rude, a Song, and a Skull
Door 3: Belief and a Donkey
Door 4: A Rude and an Egg Trick
Door 5: The Super Lasre Microscope
Door 6: Dooley the Elf
Door 7: Mincey Twirlifoot
Door 8: A Dark Alternate Universe
Door 9: Mecha Santa
Door 10: Wiggle He
Doors 11-16: A bunch of things?
Door 12: Sly Peter
Door 13: The Alcoholic Reindeer
Door 14: Santa's Magic Cauldron
Door 15: A Clown and a Girl
Door 16: Fear
Door 17: Serious Quantum Chocolate
Door 18: Doing a Wee on Dooley
Door 19:The First Christmas Tree
Door 20: Snowman
Door 21: Snorks and the Christmas Star
Door 22: Odd Man
Door 23: The Herald
Door 24: Burgess Meredith
Door 25: Finale

2007
(This one is significantly more coherent than last year)
Door 1: Elf School
Door 2: The Snatting Hat
Door 3:Flying Lessons
Door 4: Snatter in Trouble
Door 5: Chimney Lessons
Door 6: Snativity Play Auditions
Door 7: Obituary
Door 8: Chocolate Picking Lesson
Door 9: Argument
Door 10: The Return of Bowie
Door 11: Present Wrapping Lesson
Door 12: Snowman
Door 13: The Snativity Dads
Door 14: The Play
Door 15: The Play Continues
Door 16: Beazie's Punishments
Door 17: Jareth's Warning
Door 18: Lingering Nostalgic Sadness
Door 19: The Return of Sly Peter
Door 20: Snatter's Gambit
Door 21: The Present Opens
Door 22: Wiggle He
Door 23: File X-82-SNO-b
Door 24: File X-82-SNO-b-ii
Door 25: ???

HELLO CHRISTMAS!

posted by Mr.Encyclopedia (7 comments total)

Auto-playing youtube link warning.
posted by user92371 at 11:13 AM on December 24, 2017

Trigger warning: contains the stately and brave beard of Brian Blessed.

And much more awesomeness.
posted by delfin at 11:48 AM on December 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

Goons. What can you say about them, eh?
posted by Samizdata at 3:54 PM on December 24, 2017 [1 favorite]

This is what I was missing by never giving Something Awful ten bucks, eh?
posted by egypturnash at 7:52 PM on December 24, 2017

> egypturnash:
"This is what I was missing by never giving Something Awful ten bucks, eh?"

My, erm, Goon, yeah, buddy says there's a lot of really good stuff there. Tech stuff, neat Let's Plays, book sporkings...
posted by Samizdata at 8:30 PM on December 24, 2017 [2 favorites]

And stairs. Don’t forget the stairs.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 9:56 AM on December 25, 2017

> [insert clever name here]:
"And stairs. Don’t forget the stairs."

I don't know WHY you would mention them. My, erm, Goon, ummm, buddy says he is protected...
posted by Samizdata at 11:57 AM on December 25, 2017