Donkey Kong's Timeline Is Truly Disturbing

February 16, 2018 8:43 PM

Be it fridge logic or fanwank, when you think about it the Donkey Kong timeline is truly disturbing.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue (25 comments total)

All of this is much simpler if you discount the obviously incorrect "offical" statements and stick to Cranky being the original Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong is a grown up Donkey Kong Jr. Are we really supposed to believe the same sort of people that say Mario is a 24 year old ex-plumber and Toad isn't wearing a hat?
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 9:27 PM on February 16, 2018 [8 favorites]

I, I, I... I can't fanwank that hard.

I'm sorry.

I can't!

starts sobbing

PLEASE DON'T HATE ME!

I CAN'T!
posted by Samizdata at 10:11 PM on February 16, 2018 [10 favorites]

But is Cranky his father or grandfather?

I would say grandfather, considering theage gap. But then where is (I am oddly aroused here)...Daddy Kong?
posted by sexyrobot at 12:39 AM on February 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

OK, so either

A) Cranky is the original DK, DK Jr is his (missing son), and modern DK is the grandson
B) Cranky is the original DK, DK Jr is modern DK (Cranky's son)

Is that the whole argument? Fanned because an instruction manual said A even though B makes more sense?
posted by Literaryhero at 12:52 AM on February 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

in conclusion, donkey kong country is a land of contrasts thank you
posted by clockzero at 1:15 AM on February 17, 2018 [11 favorites]

I played Donkey Kong Jr. on the Colecovision in 1982.

I didn’t know Mario wasn’t a villain.
posted by bendy at 1:33 AM on February 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

So where does Diddy Kong come from?
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:58 AM on February 17, 2018

Cranky Kong reproduced via budding, as is the way of his kind.
posted by delfin at 6:59 AM on February 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

That’s some tenth-level fanfic shit right there. Great read on a Saturday morning.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:22 AM on February 17, 2018 [2 favorites]

metafilter: fridge logic or fanwank
posted by lalochezia at 7:46 AM on February 17, 2018 [4 favorites]

I had no idea that the DK fandom was anywhere near this bad. This is some Sonic level craziness.
posted by vuron at 8:22 AM on February 17, 2018 [4 favorites]

So where does Diddy Kong come from?

When two Kongs love each other very much, they give each other a special hug and then throw barrels at stuff
posted by middleclasstool at 8:44 AM on February 17, 2018 [11 favorites]

And why do so many characters wear military gear in the Donkey Kong series? Kind of weird for a series about anthropomorphic animals who mostly don’t wear clothes set on a tropical island, no?

Yeah, that's the only weird thing about a series about anthropomorphic animals who mostly don’t wear clothes set on a tropical island.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:48 AM on February 17, 2018 [6 favorites]

DK Jr. and Mario are actually the same person, experiencing a Fight Club-style psychotic break!

Think about it.
posted by biogeo at 9:37 AM on February 17, 2018 [9 favorites]

I have nothing to add but this commercial I indirectly just found, perhaps the first live-action portrayal of Mario and certainly the most menacing
posted by Countess Elena at 10:42 AM on February 17, 2018 [4 favorites]

Where does DK jr. Math fit in to all this?
posted by lkc at 11:06 AM on February 17, 2018

And what was in all those barrels?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:15 AM on February 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

I have nothing to add but this commercial yt I indirectly just found, perhaps the first live-action portrayal of Mario and certainly the most menacing

A Colecovision cost 175 dollars! That's like five hundred bucks after inflation now!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 11:16 AM on February 17, 2018 [1 favorite]

I feel like this analysis could gather more evidence from the animated musical Donkey Kong television show. For example: how does the inexplicably business-focused Bluster Kong fit into this? Also, are we to believe that DK's hair tuft is actually part of the shape of his head as the show implies?

These items and more could contribute to a much more nuanced treatment of this important matter.
posted by Expecto Cilantro at 12:59 PM on February 17, 2018

That commercial is quite something, Countess Elena. Neat find!

And what was in all those barrels?
Dwarves and Hobbitses. Lots and none at all.
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 7:16 PM on February 17, 2018

Mario was the guy that owned the warehouse that held the Radar Scope games that weren't selling which prompted management to hire Miyamoto and team to develop a new game.

That guy that owned the parking lot? He was named Jumpman.
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 10:17 PM on February 17, 2018

perhaps the first live-action portrayal of Mario

From the same year as the first live-action portrayal of Luigi.
posted by radwolf76 at 7:10 AM on February 19, 2018

@radwolf76

As soon as I saw the first frame of that YT link, the song came instantly rushing back into my head, and I was disappointed (but not surprised) to realize I knew all of lyrics.
posted by das_2099 at 1:58 PM on February 19, 2018

Totally compatible with my theory that Pauline / Princess Peach are Donkey Kong's, then Bowser's, Ann Darrows and Mario is some Carl Denham on shrooms...


(Jackson's King Kong is my wife's 'Greatest love movie'. I may be biaised)
posted by CitoyenK at 11:54 AM on February 20, 2018

Crazy Kong (bootleg / maybe prototype of DK) had an animation of Kong escaping from a cage. It also is titled "CRAZY KONG PART II" so add that to your conspiracy buffer...
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 9:26 PM on February 20, 2018