CHEESE MAKES YOU IMMORTAL

August 31, 2018 7:52 AM

NBC News reports that "Cheese and yogurt were found to protect against DEATH FROM ANY CAUSE, and also against death from cerebrovascular causes, like stroke". The Washington Post gives a fair and considered opinion of the piece. Previously on MetaFilter.
posted by Wordshore (59 comments total)

Long gone are the days where you can assume your audience has any critical faculty at all. When I hear "protect," I don't think "wow it prevents death!" No, I think, "oh, it has a general factor of protection, I wonder how strong?"

My sunblock has an SPF (sun protection factor), but I don't assume that it's going to confer some sort of full immunity!
posted by explosion at 7:59 AM on August 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

I havent read this yet and I dont mean to open with snark but like, if someone attacks me with an axe can I fend them off with a piece of cheese? because I have always been afraid of getting killed with an axe.
posted by supermedusa at 8:02 AM on August 31, 2018 [11 favorites]

According to the washington post article, supermedusa, yes. Here are some suggestions for particular cheeses that will do the trick:

BRIE IS EVEN STRONGER THAN CAPTAIN MARVEL.

STRING CHEESE WILL STRANGLE OR TRIP ANY ATTACKER WHO SEEKS TO HARM YOU. YOU SAW “HOME ALONE”? IT WAS A WEAK PREVIEW OF WHAT CHEESE WILL DO TO DEFEND THOSE IT LOVES.

ONE LOOK AT GORGONZOLA WILL TURN THEM TO STONE.

SWISS WILL OPEN A HOLE AND SWALLOW YOUR OPPONENT AND HE WILL NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

posted by perplexion at 8:04 AM on August 31, 2018 [28 favorites]

I havent read this yet and I dont mean to open with snark but like, if someone attacks me with an axe can I fend them off with a piece of cheese?

Yes, but it has to be a very big cheese and a very small axe.
posted by betweenthebars at 8:06 AM on August 31, 2018 [20 favorites]

BRB, gotta go build a full-body immersion tank and fill it with Chobani.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:08 AM on August 31, 2018 [8 favorites]

The military industrial complex have been trying to keep this under wraps for years. We wouldn't need an army if people just had a blocks of cheddar. Connect the dots sheeple!
posted by Damienmce at 8:09 AM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

Long gone are the days where you can assume your audience has any critical faculty at all. When I hear "protect," I don't think "wow it prevents death!" No, I think, "oh, it has a general factor of protection, I wonder how strong?"

Even then, the phrasing still clearly implies that eating cheese will give some measure of protection against death by tiger attack.
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 8:09 AM on August 31, 2018 [13 favorites]

Connect the dots sheeple!
Uh, the preferred nomenclature is feta-sapiens.
posted by Chrischris at 8:12 AM on August 31, 2018 [7 favorites]

Yes, but it has to be a very big cheese and a very small axe.

As Bob Marley once remarked, "if you are the big cheese I am the Small Axe".
posted by Paul Slade at 8:15 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

"I recommend that people limit whole-milk dairy products and cheese portions," said Dr. Holly Lofton, director of the weight management program at NYU Langone Health. "Cheese can be quite satisfying and filling for patients but it is also often eaten in mindless settings like dinner parties...."

I think Dr. Holly Lofton needs to go to better dinner parties, or just stay home if she needs her alone time.
posted by Frowner at 8:15 AM on August 31, 2018 [43 favorites]

When I eat cheese, I have always thought kindly thoughts about that cheese, along the lines of “cheese, you are my friend”. And now I know that cheese was silently agreeing with me all along.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 8:17 AM on August 31, 2018 [26 favorites]

What a friend we have in Cheeses.
posted by Chrischris at 8:20 AM on August 31, 2018 [85 favorites]

Good cheese can go a long way toward rescuing a banal dinner party. If suitably paired, even more so.
posted by bonehead at 8:21 AM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

BRIE IS EVEN STRONGER THAN CAPTAIN MARVEL.

ISWYDT

Also, now we know why certain people weren't among the 50% in Avengers: Infinity War. Fromager à la rescousse!
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:22 AM on August 31, 2018 [9 favorites]

Avengers: Infinity War pt 2 spoiler
posted by Damienmce at 8:22 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

This makes me happy by confirming my pro-yogurt, pro-cheese, anti–liquid milk stance. Also I had yogurt and string cheese for breakfast all week, so win!
posted by dame at 8:23 AM on August 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

What a friend we have in Cheeses.

Indeed, blessed are the cheesemakers.
posted by Strange Interlude at 8:25 AM on August 31, 2018 [13 favorites]

ONE LOOK AT GORGONZOLA WILL TURN THEM TO STONE.

Oh, well done!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:25 AM on August 31, 2018 [9 favorites]

if someone attacks me with an axe can I fend them off with a piece of cheese?

Shut up, we aren't doing axes yet! NOW COME AT ME WITH THAT KIWIFRUIT!
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:28 AM on August 31, 2018 [7 favorites]

This is the greatest piece of writing ever published in WaPo including the Watergate story.
🧀🧀🧀 forever!
posted by Wretch729 at 8:35 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

BRB, gotta go build a full-body immersion tank and fill it with Chobani.

Not having seen it, I have always imagined that this is the plot of “Get Him to the Greek.”
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:37 AM on August 31, 2018 [7 favorites]

Even then, the phrasing still clearly implies that eating cheese will give some measure of protection against death by tiger attack.

Well, umm, maybe it will help ward off infection from the scratches, more robust coagulation response, I dunno?

LIMBURGER WHEN INGESTED MIXES AND BECOMES ONE WITH YOUR CHI, WHILE WITHERING THE CHI OF THOSE WHO WOULD SEEK TO DO YOU HARM
posted by Meatbomb at 8:46 AM on August 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

And Cheeses answered, “I am the whey and the bloom and the rind. No one comes to the Fromage except through me." --Letter to the Ruminants 14:6
posted by Chrischris at 8:47 AM on August 31, 2018 [8 favorites]

Dunno if I appreciate them calling a dinner party a “mindless situation”.
posted by Secretariat at 8:47 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

I just sent my Partner In Cheese the WaPo link, and then I come here and find it already posted. Truly I am among my people.
posted by each day we work at 9:02 AM on August 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

The WaPo opinion piece is indeed an enjoyable read. Favorite section:

UNLIKE IAGO, ASIAGO WOULD HAVE SAVED OTHELLO’S LIFE.
MONTEREY JACK WILL FIX YOUR BROKEN-DOWN AUTOMOBILE ON A DESERTED STRETCH OF ROAD.
CHEDDAR WILL FIGHT A BEAR FOR YOU. THERE’S NO PUN THERE, IT JUST WILL.
posted by Wordshore at 9:06 AM on August 31, 2018 [11 favorites]

I ❤️ Alexandra Petri
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:07 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

Are we men or goudas?
posted by Damienmce at 9:10 AM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

I just hope the research isn't full of holes...
posted by Juso No Thankyou at 9:17 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

I'll admit to having made this cheese joke here somewhere before, but only got as far as "brie and pears", so here's a little more:

Your own
Personal
Cheesus
Someone with brie and pears
Someone who cares
Someone with Saint-Nectaire
Someone who's there

Feeling unknown
And you're all alone
Provolone
And some mascarpone
Lift up the fontina
I'll make you a believ-ah
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:28 AM on August 31, 2018 [25 favorites]

Archimedes: Give me a big enough cheese and a place to stand and I could [inaudible due to frenzied gobbling noises]
posted by Copronymus at 9:30 AM on August 31, 2018 [8 favorites]

oh man holy shit I'm gonna live forever
posted by nogoodverybad at 10:04 AM on August 31, 2018 [6 favorites]

this is a microaggression
posted by poffin boffin at 10:11 AM on August 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

i am Attacked by cheeses
posted by poffin boffin at 10:18 AM on August 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

can also attest to it protecting against the nefarious effects of PTSD caused by child abuse

BEAUFORT, IT MAKES YOU BEAU ET FORT, THE OLDER THE BETTER

ROQUEFORT NABS THOSE INFECTIOUS TRIGGERS OH I'M SORRY DID YOU TRY AND PUSH A BUTTON, MY TASTEBUDS CAN'T HEAR YOU

AGED CHÈVRE WITH GARLIC AND SPICES MAKES ANY MRA RUN AWAY AND QUESTION HIS DEEP-SEATED MISOGYNY WHICH IS CLEARLY NOT THAT DEEP AFTER THAT

OH SO YOU HAD TARTIFLETTE FOR LUNCH WE'LL GIVE YOU THAT RAISE YOU WANTED AND ALSO PAID PARENTAL LEAVE NO WORRIES
posted by fraula at 10:44 AM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

MetaFilter: I don't mean to open with snark but
posted by Wordshore at 11:05 AM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

I eat cheese all the time and have not died even once, so anecdotally it seems correct.
posted by ckape at 11:37 AM on August 31, 2018 [20 favorites]

My refrigerator has at least 3 kinds of cheese in it right now, and yogurt and butter, so this is good news for me.
posted by emjaybee at 12:10 PM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

so if one is attacked by cheese, how can one defend oneself??? stinkier cheese?
posted by supermedusa at 12:37 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

so if one is attacked by cheese, how can one defend oneself??? stinkier cheese?

Mutually Assured Cheesestruction
the only winning move is to pair it with some quince, a few olives, and an appropriate wine
posted by halation at 12:49 PM on August 31, 2018 [5 favorites]

Wallace approves. (Gromit is skeptical.)
posted by oneswellfoop at 1:43 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

If anybody needs me, I’ll just be over here working on my night cheese.
posted by Aznable at 1:45 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

working on my night cheese

Tryin' to lose those awkward mortalities
Workin' on our night cheese
In the suppertime
In the sweet suppertime
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:32 PM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

And Cheeses said to his disciples, "This is how you shall pray":

Our Father, which art in edam
Halloumi be thy Name
Thy stilton come
Thy parmesan
On earth and it is in edam
Give us this day our daily brie
And formaggio our trespasses
As we formaggio those that trespass against us
And lead us not into montbrison
But deliver us from cantal
For thine is the stilton
The peppered, and the gouda
For chedder and chedder
Amen

[This is my first draft. I leave it to Metafilter's hive mind to refine and improve it further.]
posted by Paul Slade at 2:48 PM on August 31, 2018 [10 favorites]

so if one is attacked by cheese, how can one defend oneself??? stinkier cheese?

If you're being attacked by a cheese-wielding maniac, just pull the lever to release the tiger.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 3:47 PM on August 31, 2018 [3 favorites]

I can't get to the journal article at the moment, but where does cottage cheese fit in there? I eat a lot of cottage cheese.


and I sprinkle that radioactive orange powdered cheese product on it because that's the only way i can stomach that much cottage cheese


...and actually does powdered cheese count as an actual cheese or does the powdering process remove any possible benefoh fuck it im gonna die


posted by logicpunk at 6:49 PM on August 31, 2018 [4 favorites]

What a friend we have in Cheeses.

Indeed, blessed are the cheesemakers.

Cheeses love me this I know
posted by Pronoiac at 7:09 PM on August 31, 2018 [1 favorite]

I feel way better about just having polished off half a pound of Catamount Hills cheddar in my car in the Whole Foods parking lot.
posted by palomar at 7:20 PM on August 31, 2018 [7 favorites]

I love cheese nearly as much as life itself, but just reading this thread is giving me gas.
posted by duffell at 8:44 PM on August 31, 2018 [2 favorites]

I feel way better about just having polished off half a pound of Catamount Hills cheddar in my car in the Whole Foods parking lot.

I appear to have a new hero/role model in life.
posted by Wordshore at 2:21 AM on September 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

I only ingest cheese in the form of Danish coffee cake, is my life forfeit?
posted by Chitownfats at 3:40 AM on September 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

This is how I pray to Cheesus Christ, our Grate Lord and Savorier
posted by drlith at 5:33 AM on September 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

I hate cheese. I guess I’m going to die.
posted by debgpi at 7:13 AM on September 1, 2018 [1 favorite]

Cheeses love you anyway.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:08 PM on September 1, 2018 [4 favorites]

"..."Cheese can be quite satisfying and filling for patients but it is also often eaten in mindless settings like dinner parties.... surfing the web in the dark whilst wearing my undies...""
posted by symbioid at 4:25 PM on September 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

Dunno if I appreciate them calling a dinner party a “mindless situation”.

Clearly they've never been to a proper Metafilter meetup.
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:20 PM on September 1, 2018 [2 favorites]

mandolin conspiracy, here's my effort from 2009:

Your own personal cheeses
Someone to feed you cheese, down on your knees
Your own personal cheeses
Cheddar and brie and blue, only for you

Feeling unease when you're out of cheese,
Curds and whey at the close of day
Offer a wish up, I'll bring a Stinking Bishop

Your own personal cheeses
Parmesan, ro-que-fort, you can have more
Your own personal cheeses
If you're not sated yet, try some Raclette

Feeling undone by a ripe Stilton,
Cotherstone melting in the sun
I will deliver, you know I like the chèvre

Climbing the walls, mozzarella balls
Pepper Jack, you're about to crack
If you really need 'em, I'll slice you up some Edam

Reach out the chutney

posted by Pallas Athena at 3:36 PM on September 2, 2018 [3 favorites]

Indeed, blessed are the cheesemakers.

And cursed be the cheese cutters, Amen.
posted by waving at 4:12 PM on September 2, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm just coming across this in popular posts now, and feel like my best course of action is to skip the fpp and head straight for the gorgonzola.
posted by yohko at 9:05 PM on September 6, 2018 [1 favorite]