“The Christmas display has been changed to feature no anal sex”
November 20, 2018 3:50 PM   Subscribe

Less than five weeks to Christmas Day! How's it going in the UK? Polar bears are enjoying themselves, unlike viewers of the Swansea Christmas parade (especially drivers), or a preacher in Grimsby. John Lewis advertises Twitter and the other John Lewis hawks pianos that are undercut by Lidl and stollen. Heathrow is oddly quiet, rude elf, and this cheese toastie looks a bit meaty. Other food? Pizza fingers in school, or chocolate turkey with Marmite sprouts - though chicken > turkey. Fashion? Men buy jumpers and beard lights while women buy wreaths. Seasonal coffee? Um, maybe not. You can sort-of get a tree for five quid, or very un-English instant gratification, or teacher something pricey. Or buy a Spanish village through Goop - though Sweden's gift is more sensible.
posted by Wordshore (29 comments total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Christmas is a silly place.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:20 PM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]


Weirdly not seeing any reports this year (so far) of extremely dodgy "Winter Wonderland" places in the UK. The kind of attraction which charges twenty pounds a head and promises snow and forests and elves and herds of reindeer and a myriad of tents offering finest seasonal foods, but turns out to be - after you have paid your twenty quid - a muddy car park with a bad-tempered bloke in a cheap elf costume and a gazebo selling out of date Cadbury chocolate.

Has this most traditional of English Christmas events - complete with "outraged" customers venting in local newspaper articles - now ceased to be?
posted by Wordshore at 4:37 PM on November 20, 2018 [13 favorites]


Having a wife from Wales, and having visited Swansea reasonably recently, the 3-float Swansea xmas parade doesn't surprise me at all. The place is dying. It's all depression and mobility scooters. And it needs a damn good wash.
posted by krisjohn at 5:12 PM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]


Well. At least the bears weren't in a hedge.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:21 PM on November 20, 2018 [3 favorites]


Other villages for sale. Some real fixer-upper opportunities here, tell you what.
posted by Halloween Jack at 5:30 PM on November 20, 2018


I mean do any of them have a rapid transit coaster?
posted by 922257033c4a0f3cecdbd819a46d626999d1af4a at 5:38 PM on November 20, 2018


Um... from the first article, do the folks quoted in it think that bears usually do it missionary style?
posted by greermahoney at 5:49 PM on November 20, 2018 [12 favorites]


Late addition - the Sainsbury ad, with a school Christmas play that is pretty...ornate.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:16 PM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Or buy a Spanish village through Goop

So, about that:

“Since Galicians seem to be riding into extinction, the future may well rest in the hands of wealthy foreigners wishing to live life as it may have been in medieval times. A time Galicia has never really left behind, if I am honest with you.”

In true Goop style it will turn out to be medieval in the sense that it will be infested with people who have tetanus, whooping cough, chicken pox, influenza, polio, measles, mumps, and rubella because vaccination hasn't been invented yet.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:28 PM on November 20, 2018 [8 favorites]


Um... from the first article, do the folks quoted in it think that bears usually do it missionary style?

More to the point, neither seemed to be enjoying much of anything. Those are blasé bears...
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:31 PM on November 20, 2018 [4 favorites]


I'm not seeing anything on social media (yet) about how wonky the Christmas tree is here in this East Midlands town; there's a definite angle to it. On the plus side, it's taller than the one in Morpeth.
posted by Wordshore at 10:09 PM on November 20, 2018


He's behind you!
posted by pracowity at 11:57 PM on November 20, 2018 [1 favorite]


Having a wife from Wales, and having visited Swansea reasonably recently, the 3-float Swansea xmas parade doesn't surprise me at all. The place is dying. It's all depression and mobility scooters. And it needs a damn good wash.

That's a shame. I've been a big fan of Swansea City's fairytale ascent from the fourth tier to European football (although they were relegated this year), their sexy football under Brendan Rogers and Michael Laudrup, the role supporters have in the running of their club, and their excellent crest.
posted by kersplunk at 12:36 AM on November 21, 2018


The kind of attraction which charges twenty pounds a head and promises snow and forests and elves and herds of reindeer and a myriad of tents offering finest seasonal foods, but turns out to be - after you have paid your twenty quid - a muddy car park with a bad-tempered bloke in a cheap elf costume and a gazebo selling out of date Cadbury chocolate.
Is this the new Brexit thread?
posted by winterhill at 2:26 AM on November 21, 2018 [9 favorites]


Um... from the first article, do the folks quoted in it think that bears usually do it missionary style?

I think it’s the way the bear in the rear is kind of fully upright. Like, I know bears do it from behind (there’s a bumper sticker for you), but I can’t imagine they position themselves quite like that: upright, shoulders back, hips forward. There’s something hilariously human about that particular stance.

Or I still have a fever from my recent bout of illness and am not thinking clearly.
posted by shapes that haunt the dusk at 3:07 AM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


Asda's advert opens with Father Christmas firing a Christmas pud cannon. Doubles as a WW1 centenary piece.
posted by rory at 4:46 AM on November 21, 2018


The 'story' doing the rounds that The Royal Family weigh themselves before and after eating Christmas Day foods is sort-of true. True in that, technically, some of them optionally do it. But they don't take it seriously and, along with charades (and when the weather is good, croquet) it's treated like a game or for fun e.g. putting on several layers of heavy clothes at the first weigh in, and wearing just light clothes at the second. That doesn't make for such a dramatic headline though.

It'll probably be a full turn-out of the entire main family this year, as the chances of both The Queen and Prince Philip being alive/around to celebrate Christmas in 2019 are ... not good.
posted by Wordshore at 6:59 AM on November 21, 2018 [2 favorites]


These are grizzlies (I think) and not polar bears, but I would say it's a pretty good indication of how bears do it.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:37 AM on November 21, 2018


Metro: "Kate, 27, said: ‘We went past and saw the reindeer. It was singing Frosty the Snowman. Then it went a bit funny. ‘I said to my friend ‘I swear it said Frosty The Pervert’. Then I thought I heard it say ‘dick’. I thought ‘that’s a bit inappropriate’. ‘The song is about Frosty the Snowman going into a playground and exposing himself in front of children."
posted by Wordshore at 8:27 AM on November 21, 2018


The 'story' doing the rounds that The Royal Family weigh themselves before and after eating Christmas Day foods is sort-of true.

Well, Edward VII was certainly renowned for his trim figure and healthy lifestyle, so the tradition checks out from that end.
posted by Huffy Puffy at 8:44 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


No anal sex? This war on Christmas has gone too far, say I!
posted by lumpenprole at 9:29 AM on November 21, 2018 [5 favorites]


Oh lord, this thread reminds me that I found myself at a Winners/HomeSense yesterday and they had Pongseccco kits shoved in amongst all the glitter-shedding snowflake tablescapes and themed ramekin sets and tins of terrifying 'seasonal' flavoured hot chocolate mix. The great UK holiday scourge has made its way across the Atlantic and onto our shores.
posted by halation at 9:56 AM on November 21, 2018 [1 favorite]


I am really enjoying these links, but some of these websites are behaving in a hella dicey way. I'm not allowed to quote from the teabagging elf website? WTF?

(Also, don't click on the vibrator article advertised on the side of the Pink News article, because hooooo boy did I have drama with my computer for an hour after that.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:12 AM on November 21, 2018


* Donuts for Nessie.
* The Great Fence of Worcester.
* Parents are 'disgusted'.
* ...and the most traditional of English Christmas traditions.
posted by Wordshore at 11:39 AM on November 21, 2018


I am really enjoying these links, but some of these websites are behaving in a hella dicey way. I'm not allowed to quote from the teabagging elf website? WTF?
Welcome to the British regional media, best enjoyed with JavaScript turned off.
posted by winterhill at 12:31 AM on November 22, 2018


Welcome to the British regional media, best enjoyed with JavaScript turned off.

Quite. Many - not a few but many - local newspaper websites in the UK are terrible, and some potential links were omitted because of the sheer array of things - auto-playing videos, ads, pop-up notices, survey requests, a multitude of trackers - that greet the reader immediately on entering the website (and some of the included links were borderline for these reasons).

Adding the proportion of US media websites which now default to "Oh, you're in Europe - no content for you!" and it's significantly more difficult to do this kind of round-up or themed post than it was a year ago. I've abandoned several such posts these last few months because of these reasons.

Anyway, to balance off this mini-rant, here is a nice tree.
posted by Wordshore at 12:55 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]




Aldi Kevin the Carrot toys spark mayhem with fights and 'crushing' in queues
I'm glad I went to Lidl for the shop today, I almost went to Aldi. I had no idea about that and it would have really fucked my day up if I'd gone to Aldi and been greeted with that mess.
posted by winterhill at 11:42 AM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]


How's everyone finding the weird christmas crisps flavours?
posted by lucidium at 5:17 AM on November 23, 2018


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