All Hallmark Christmas movies are horror films in disguise
November 22, 2018 2:21 PM Subscribe
That was not at all what I thought it would be from the description, but it's great.
posted by jeather at 4:26 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by jeather at 4:26 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I love it.
posted by sundrop at 6:19 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by sundrop at 6:19 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
Snowmance. That is all.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:42 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:42 PM on November 22, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don’t know... I’ve never seen one of these... But it reminds me of an analysis of the typical romance novel made by a feminist critic many years ago. She said the usual plot revolved around a single woman, alone, at some resort or hotel or someplace similar. The book begins with her in an elevator with what appears to be an extraordinarily handsome and attractive man. They are alone and before they reach either one or the other’s floor, he grabs her, kisses her, and then when the elevator door opens he runs off. The rest of the book features her inner conflicts regarding this attempted rape until all is revealed in some way or the other explaining away the initial assault and they are now rejoined in true and implied everlasting love. If this salon article isn’t satire then I guess Hallmark is more of the same.
posted by njohnson23 at 6:52 PM on November 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by njohnson23 at 6:52 PM on November 22, 2018 [6 favorites]
My mom and sister loves these movies and I have found and bought and downloaded so many of them for my mom, it makes me a little crazy. I have to keep a list of titles, to prevent getting the same movie twice, because the plots are very similar and they use the same actors quite a lot. That said, they make my mom and sister happy, which is always something to be thankful for.
posted by seth9341 at 7:07 PM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by seth9341 at 7:07 PM on November 22, 2018 [4 favorites]
My mom and sister loves these movies
I'm not *usually* a grammar nitpicker, but I have to say the subject-verb agreement mismatch here does make for um, not quite the right message...
posted by tavella at 7:48 PM on November 22, 2018 [22 favorites]
I'm not *usually* a grammar nitpicker, but I have to say the subject-verb agreement mismatch here does make for um, not quite the right message...
posted by tavella at 7:48 PM on November 22, 2018 [22 favorites]
Who gives a fuck about an oxford comma subject-verb agreement?
posted by axiom at 9:37 PM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by axiom at 9:37 PM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]
Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:22 PM on November 22, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:22 PM on November 22, 2018 [15 favorites]
Guys have been saying these are horror movies for a long time...
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:50 AM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Nanukthedog at 4:50 AM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
That was great. The fake movie plots were incredibly spot-on and for all I know already exist as legit Lifetime movies, except for the horror twists. And reminds me of this!
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:16 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 5:16 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Guys have been saying these are horror movies for a long time...
And why would guys say that? I'm not sure I understand.
posted by Miko at 5:18 AM on November 23, 2018 [7 favorites]
And why would guys say that? I'm not sure I understand.
posted by Miko at 5:18 AM on November 23, 2018 [7 favorites]
I would 100% watch "Dance In Her Head." Any of these, really, but especially that one.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:31 AM on November 23, 2018
posted by uncleozzy at 5:31 AM on November 23, 2018
I would 100% watch "Dance In Her Head."
There's not a huge distance between it and Dario Argento in any case.
posted by acb at 6:44 AM on November 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
There's not a huge distance between it and Dario Argento in any case.
posted by acb at 6:44 AM on November 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
What if all films are horror films, just that we're systematically gaslighted into believing that they're not?
posted by acb at 7:00 AM on November 23, 2018
posted by acb at 7:00 AM on November 23, 2018
When a deer appears out of nowhere in the middle of the highway somewhere in Pennsylvania — that was a deer, wasn’t it? Now I really want a Mothman-Christmas movie.
posted by doctornemo at 7:09 AM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by doctornemo at 7:09 AM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
Forget it, Jake. It's ChinaSnowmancetown.
Fixed that for... God help us all.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:17 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Fixed that for... God help us all.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:17 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Guys have been saying these are horror movies for a long time...
And why would guys say that? I'm not sure I understand.
because softness, romance, dreamy whatever, happy endings -- whatever happens in the Hallmark universe. I mean, they are specifically marketed toward women of a certain age and overall demographic.
Hallmark designs its "Countdown to Christmas" series to follow a set checklist, so that each movie feels familiar, and the production is hassle-free (each film costs about $2 million, and takes around a month to shoot). Wrapping Christmas presents, baking Christmas cookies, finding and decorating a Christmas tree, are all essential elements. You can basically turn on any Hallmark movie at any time, and you won't have to wait more than a few minutes before seeing one of these, er, hallmarks of the Christmas season.
The formula is designed to reach the channel's target demographic, women in middle America aged 25-54.
Actually beyond the article, I have no idea what goes on in the movies. I recall seeing a Hallmark Hall of Fame* movie once decades ago when a teen and being rather bemused by the whole notion of it being "a thing".
Weirdly, I have a good friend who makes a solid living directing Hallmark movies. One a year pays all the bills (condo in the city, rustic house on a beautiful island). I forwarded him the article and his response was, "... hilarious. at least I draw the line at xmas movies."
* speaking of which, wow, I had no idea of the history.
posted by philip-random at 8:52 AM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
And why would guys say that? I'm not sure I understand.
because softness, romance, dreamy whatever, happy endings -- whatever happens in the Hallmark universe. I mean, they are specifically marketed toward women of a certain age and overall demographic.
Hallmark designs its "Countdown to Christmas" series to follow a set checklist, so that each movie feels familiar, and the production is hassle-free (each film costs about $2 million, and takes around a month to shoot). Wrapping Christmas presents, baking Christmas cookies, finding and decorating a Christmas tree, are all essential elements. You can basically turn on any Hallmark movie at any time, and you won't have to wait more than a few minutes before seeing one of these, er, hallmarks of the Christmas season.
The formula is designed to reach the channel's target demographic, women in middle America aged 25-54.
Actually beyond the article, I have no idea what goes on in the movies. I recall seeing a Hallmark Hall of Fame* movie once decades ago when a teen and being rather bemused by the whole notion of it being "a thing".
Weirdly, I have a good friend who makes a solid living directing Hallmark movies. One a year pays all the bills (condo in the city, rustic house on a beautiful island). I forwarded him the article and his response was, "... hilarious. at least I draw the line at xmas movies."
* speaking of which, wow, I had no idea of the history.
posted by philip-random at 8:52 AM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
But it reminds me of an analysis of the typical romance novel made by a feminist critic many years ago. She said the usual plot revolved around a single woman, alone, at some resort or hotel or someplace similar. The book begins with her in an elevator with what appears to be an extraordinarily handsome and attractive man. They are alone and before they reach either one or the other’s floor, he grabs her, kisses her, and then when the elevator door opens he runs off. The rest of the book features her inner conflicts regarding this attempted rape until all is revealed in some way or the other explaining away the initial assault and they are now rejoined in true and implied everlasting love. If this salon article isn’t satire then I guess Hallmark is more of the same.
This is just plain not true of romance novels.
posted by jeather at 9:01 AM on November 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
This is just plain not true of romance novels.
posted by jeather at 9:01 AM on November 23, 2018 [11 favorites]
because softness, romance, dreamy whatever, happy endings -- whatever happens in the Hallmark universe. I mean, they are specifically marketed toward women of a certain age and overall demographic.
While the second sentence is true, I am struggling to understand why softness, romance, and happy endings are seen as "a horror" by "guys." Really? These values are horrific to men? Is that the argument here?
I wouldn't mount a strong defense of the content of Hallmark Christmas movies. I have watched many and enjoyed them mildly for what they are, and I recognize at the same time that they are problematic across many dimensions. I've been reading about them for a while.
However, the fact that something is made for an audience made up primarily of women, and that some portion of that audience gravitates toward narrative values that center hope, warmth, gentleness and human relationships, is imagined as a "horror" to the men who are present everywhere in our lives is, well, kind of horrific to me. Also that that was slid in as a joke - 'ha ha, the things women watch are so stupid that guys are afraid of it. ' I mean, since it's apparently not a literal statement, it's just plain a sexist joke.
It's really easy to slam entertainment made for women as unimportant and shallow on its face. Not down with that, even if I am down with critiquing the tropes they contain. Like, these stories have problems, but the fact that they are gentle and romantic isn't one. And I find it a bit hostile to female audiences to suggest that it is.
posted by Miko at 10:09 AM on November 23, 2018 [24 favorites]
While the second sentence is true, I am struggling to understand why softness, romance, and happy endings are seen as "a horror" by "guys." Really? These values are horrific to men? Is that the argument here?
I wouldn't mount a strong defense of the content of Hallmark Christmas movies. I have watched many and enjoyed them mildly for what they are, and I recognize at the same time that they are problematic across many dimensions. I've been reading about them for a while.
However, the fact that something is made for an audience made up primarily of women, and that some portion of that audience gravitates toward narrative values that center hope, warmth, gentleness and human relationships, is imagined as a "horror" to the men who are present everywhere in our lives is, well, kind of horrific to me. Also that that was slid in as a joke - 'ha ha, the things women watch are so stupid that guys are afraid of it. ' I mean, since it's apparently not a literal statement, it's just plain a sexist joke.
It's really easy to slam entertainment made for women as unimportant and shallow on its face. Not down with that, even if I am down with critiquing the tropes they contain. Like, these stories have problems, but the fact that they are gentle and romantic isn't one. And I find it a bit hostile to female audiences to suggest that it is.
posted by Miko at 10:09 AM on November 23, 2018 [24 favorites]
I mean, they are specifically marketed toward women of a certain age and overall demographic.
So... this argument is more or less "ugh, cooties", right? Plenty of media is marketed toward men of a certain age and demographic and yet somehow is enjoyed by people of all ages and genders.
I'm not even talking about Hallmark movies anymore -- I have never seen one and I don't feel particularly compelled to change that. This attitude of lol that stuff's for girls is just so tired and out of touch. The romance novel genre is more or less single-handedly keeping the publishing industry afloat and yet everyone still feels compelled to sneer at it.
posted by Basil Stag Hare at 11:26 AM on November 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
So... this argument is more or less "ugh, cooties", right? Plenty of media is marketed toward men of a certain age and demographic and yet somehow is enjoyed by people of all ages and genders.
I'm not even talking about Hallmark movies anymore -- I have never seen one and I don't feel particularly compelled to change that. This attitude of lol that stuff's for girls is just so tired and out of touch. The romance novel genre is more or less single-handedly keeping the publishing industry afloat and yet everyone still feels compelled to sneer at it.
posted by Basil Stag Hare at 11:26 AM on November 23, 2018 [9 favorites]
Hallmark movies are fun. I don't really watch much TV but we've been putting one on every night since the Christmas ones started this year and even when they're bad they're fun, if only to guess which name-brand actor the male lead is supposed to look like. They're interesting in comparison to mainstream Hollywood films in that the female stars are often beyond the typical leading-lady age. Women in their 30s playing women in their 30s -- a novelty!
Did you know that there are six movies where twinning or magic causes people to switch lives? (Not all Hallmark, but all TV Christmas movies from the last decade.) And at least two that feature liver transplants?
posted by uncleozzy at 11:48 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Did you know that there are six movies where twinning or magic causes people to switch lives? (Not all Hallmark, but all TV Christmas movies from the last decade.) And at least two that feature liver transplants?
posted by uncleozzy at 11:48 AM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
Hallmark Xmas movies are very silly and very cheesy and I like them very much. My wife could not loathe them more. It's probably because she is a CAREER-OBSESSED LADY OF BUSINESS who DOESN'T TRULY UNDERSTAND THE JOY OF THE SEASON.
posted by joelhunt at 12:21 PM on November 23, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by joelhunt at 12:21 PM on November 23, 2018 [25 favorites]
Oh my god I can't believe I passed up the opportunity to write my joke as "Forget it, Jake. It's Hallmark Town." Sheesh!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:21 PM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 1:21 PM on November 23, 2018 [3 favorites]
I'm not really the target demographic for most action movies, but that doesn't mean I find them horrifying.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:45 PM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:45 PM on November 23, 2018 [2 favorites]
I told my running group that I was watching The Bachelorette and one man literally backed away from me while another suggested doing something "more manly" like going to a strip club. So the idea that many men find Hallmark movies repellent because of their romance novel content is, to me, completely unsurprising.
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:46 PM on November 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by grumpybear69 at 6:46 PM on November 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
the idea that many men find Hallmark movies repellent because of their romance novel content is, to me, completely unsurprising.
it's not surprising. It's just disgustingly sexist and I don't feel like normalizing that. Want to make sexist jokes? Fine, but own your intentions and impact.
posted by Miko at 6:53 PM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
it's not surprising. It's just disgustingly sexist and I don't feel like normalizing that. Want to make sexist jokes? Fine, but own your intentions and impact.
posted by Miko at 6:53 PM on November 23, 2018 [4 favorites]
I'm still pissed at the Hallmark channel for taking off the old Christmas movies they played each year as well as the ones they produced. I used to look forward to that one with Mary Steenburgen and Harry Dean Stanton as the Christmas Angel (One Magic Christmas?).
posted by aleph at 7:55 AM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by aleph at 7:55 AM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Now I really want a Mothman-Christmas movie.
It...it already was!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 11:38 AM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
It...it already was!
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 11:38 AM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
I attend a screenwriters group in my little town. The local screenwriting celebrity, the only person around who has actually sold a script ... (you guessed it!) sold it to Hallmark and, yes, it was a Christmas script. I read this as, " these movies are so foul no one in Hollywood wants to write them, so its the one place a screenwriter in a small town chance has a chance to market their work.
Sigh.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:35 PM on November 24, 2018
Sigh.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:35 PM on November 24, 2018
I mean, they are specifically marketed toward women of a certain age and overall demographic.
So... this argument is more or less "ugh, cooties", right? Plenty of media is marketed toward men of a certain age and demographic and yet somehow is enjoyed by people of all ages and genders.
For me personally, a crappy movie, is a crappy movie, no matter whom its marketed towards. And for me, personally, Hallmark movies are some of the crappiest movies out there. I'm the age and gender that those things are aimed at, and I take no offense whatsoever if anyone wants to call a turd a turd.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:41 PM on November 24, 2018
So... this argument is more or less "ugh, cooties", right? Plenty of media is marketed toward men of a certain age and demographic and yet somehow is enjoyed by people of all ages and genders.
For me personally, a crappy movie, is a crappy movie, no matter whom its marketed towards. And for me, personally, Hallmark movies are some of the crappiest movies out there. I'm the age and gender that those things are aimed at, and I take no offense whatsoever if anyone wants to call a turd a turd.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 2:41 PM on November 24, 2018
I take no offense whatsoever if anyone wants to call a turd a turd.
Call a turd a turd on its own merits, but don't call it stupid because "guys" don't like it. It's not the quality judgment in question, it's the basis for the reasoning.
posted by Miko at 4:48 PM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Call a turd a turd on its own merits, but don't call it stupid because "guys" don't like it. It's not the quality judgment in question, it's the basis for the reasoning.
posted by Miko at 4:48 PM on November 24, 2018 [1 favorite]
Oh my god, my mother-in-law is obsessed with these movies. She literally keeps a list on a pad of paper so she can check them off and make sure she sees every single one that's made. I just spent Thanksgiving weekend with her, which necessitated watching more than one of these things, and Salon's satire is so 100% spot on that I'm kinda creeped out. I literally said to MiL at one point (before I ever knew this article existed), "Do these movies always involve the heroine being forced to leave a well-paying job to move to a small town?" (answer: well, not all. Some involve kings with small daughters who mysteriously need someone to do an Art Thing right at Christmas time and no I am not just riffing off Salon I watched that one with her on Friday). They're very much fantasy material for a certain sub-group of women, and horror material for other sub-groups.
On the other hand, these movies are prime drinking game territory. Someone singing "Joy to the World"? Drink! Someone wrapping presents? Drink! Thematically-perfect sudden snowfall? Drink!
Also MiL and I agree that it's sorta notable that the women in these productions age (within reason - the heroine often looks like she's 40-something) but the male leads invariably look like they're 19. I feel like that twist on the usual "women don't get to age in movies" thing says something very strong about the targeted audiences of a) Hallmark movies and b) other, mainstream movies.
posted by Hold your seahorses at 3:07 PM on November 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, these movies are prime drinking game territory. Someone singing "Joy to the World"? Drink! Someone wrapping presents? Drink! Thematically-perfect sudden snowfall? Drink!
Also MiL and I agree that it's sorta notable that the women in these productions age (within reason - the heroine often looks like she's 40-something) but the male leads invariably look like they're 19. I feel like that twist on the usual "women don't get to age in movies" thing says something very strong about the targeted audiences of a) Hallmark movies and b) other, mainstream movies.
posted by Hold your seahorses at 3:07 PM on November 25, 2018 [1 favorite]
I attend a screenwriters group in my little town. The local screenwriting celebrity, the only person around who has actually sold a script ... (you guessed it!) sold it to Hallmark and, yes, it was a Christmas script. I read this as, " these movies are so foul no one in Hollywood wants to write them, so its the one place a screenwriter in a small town chance has a chance to market their work.
Yeah, but romance is genre fiction, right? And there's nothing wrong with that. Many of my favorite writers started out in genre fiction and sometimes never stopped. I have a feeling with those Hallmark movies, it's likely they commit numerous thoughtless edits to a screenplay before it airs. Just a guess, if this is an outlet for freelancers, that the writers who sell occasional work to them are putting much more care into their screenplays than the final product would suggest.
posted by krinklyfig at 8:24 PM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, but romance is genre fiction, right? And there's nothing wrong with that. Many of my favorite writers started out in genre fiction and sometimes never stopped. I have a feeling with those Hallmark movies, it's likely they commit numerous thoughtless edits to a screenplay before it airs. Just a guess, if this is an outlet for freelancers, that the writers who sell occasional work to them are putting much more care into their screenplays than the final product would suggest.
posted by krinklyfig at 8:24 PM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
On the other hand, these movies are prime drinking game territory.
Okay, I just wrote one. I based it off the holiday movie bingo cards I made some time ago.
Take a sip when the following happens:
* Snow falls
* Mistletoe
* Baking/cookies/gingerbread
* Tree buying/decorating
* Actual caroling happens (I never see this IRL).
* Selfies
* Someone goes on about how they hate Christmas.
* Someone hates Christmas because they lost a parent
* Anyone mentions having a dead parent in general.
* If Alicia Witt, Lacey Chabert, or Candace Cameron Bure is in it.
Take two sips:
* Ice skating
* Christmas crafting is involved (say, ice carving, making fancy cards, window decoration, etc.)
* There’s an advent calendar involved
* The word “Christmas” is NOT mentioned in the title.
* Someone has a cute holiday name like Holly, Nick, Carol, etc. in the show
* Mention of social media
* Someone hates Christmas because their parents weren’t into it (more or less) and they never had fun holidays as a kid
* There’s at least one cute kid in the plot (drink for every kid if you like)
* The words “Christmas wish” are mentioned.
* Someone’s future in-laws are so awesome you wish they were your parents
* After the parents died, our main character had to raise their younger sibling(s).
* Stressed out single parent.
* A time jump happens.
* There’s a cute animal involved in the plot.
* Exes reunite at the holidays.
* Someone works in advertising
* Someone works in journalism
* Someone works in some boring big business job
* Person of color as the best friend of the MC, or heck, any PoC in the show at all. Drink twice per PoC that you see.
* New York is awesome at Christmas!
* Only awful heartless people would ever want to live in NYC instead of our small town! Small towns are the best!
* God forbid a lady have a career instead of a family
* God forbid a lady live in the big city instead of a small town
Take three sips:
* Someone gets engaged for Christmas
* A Christmas wedding actually happens
* Royalty is in the plot
* A main character sings
* Someone’s future in-laws are revealed to be terrible and you don’t wanna marry into this family
* Santa is actually real and living among us, not working on Christmas prep at the North Pole.
* Every time someone is threatened with being fired
* The entire livelihood of everyone working at a business (store, toy factory, hotel, etc.) is threatened for the holidays.
* Every time magical shit happens like visions of what could have been, being dead and revived, magical fairy godparents, angels show up, etc.
* Every time someone’s deadline is Christmas.
* Every time someone breaks an engagement.
Take a shot:
* Every time someone gets fired for Christmas.
* Someone gets an instant job offer out of nowhere that starts on January 1.
* Santa Claus is in the movie and he has a child and we’re concerned about passing on the Santa job because of this
* Every time an adult genuinely believes in Santa at the start of the show (not by the end because everyone does then).
* Every time someone gets engaged for Christmas and the relationship is so obviously doomed it won’t make it to Christmas.
* Every time someone who should be justifiably fired somehow isn’t fired.
* Person abandons their big dreams for a awesome career and decides to become a small town person with a family
* "I want a faaaaamily."
* Someone gets an insta-family when they end up with someone who has at least one kid
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:41 PM on November 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
Okay, I just wrote one. I based it off the holiday movie bingo cards I made some time ago.
Take a sip when the following happens:
* Snow falls
* Mistletoe
* Baking/cookies/gingerbread
* Tree buying/decorating
* Actual caroling happens (I never see this IRL).
* Selfies
* Someone goes on about how they hate Christmas.
* Someone hates Christmas because they lost a parent
* Anyone mentions having a dead parent in general.
* If Alicia Witt, Lacey Chabert, or Candace Cameron Bure is in it.
Take two sips:
* Ice skating
* Christmas crafting is involved (say, ice carving, making fancy cards, window decoration, etc.)
* There’s an advent calendar involved
* The word “Christmas” is NOT mentioned in the title.
* Someone has a cute holiday name like Holly, Nick, Carol, etc. in the show
* Mention of social media
* Someone hates Christmas because their parents weren’t into it (more or less) and they never had fun holidays as a kid
* There’s at least one cute kid in the plot (drink for every kid if you like)
* The words “Christmas wish” are mentioned.
* Someone’s future in-laws are so awesome you wish they were your parents
* After the parents died, our main character had to raise their younger sibling(s).
* Stressed out single parent.
* A time jump happens.
* There’s a cute animal involved in the plot.
* Exes reunite at the holidays.
* Someone works in advertising
* Someone works in journalism
* Someone works in some boring big business job
* Person of color as the best friend of the MC, or heck, any PoC in the show at all. Drink twice per PoC that you see.
* New York is awesome at Christmas!
* Only awful heartless people would ever want to live in NYC instead of our small town! Small towns are the best!
* God forbid a lady have a career instead of a family
* God forbid a lady live in the big city instead of a small town
Take three sips:
* Someone gets engaged for Christmas
* A Christmas wedding actually happens
* Royalty is in the plot
* A main character sings
* Someone’s future in-laws are revealed to be terrible and you don’t wanna marry into this family
* Santa is actually real and living among us, not working on Christmas prep at the North Pole.
* Every time someone is threatened with being fired
* The entire livelihood of everyone working at a business (store, toy factory, hotel, etc.) is threatened for the holidays.
* Every time magical shit happens like visions of what could have been, being dead and revived, magical fairy godparents, angels show up, etc.
* Every time someone’s deadline is Christmas.
* Every time someone breaks an engagement.
Take a shot:
* Every time someone gets fired for Christmas.
* Someone gets an instant job offer out of nowhere that starts on January 1.
* Santa Claus is in the movie and he has a child and we’re concerned about passing on the Santa job because of this
* Every time an adult genuinely believes in Santa at the start of the show (not by the end because everyone does then).
* Every time someone gets engaged for Christmas and the relationship is so obviously doomed it won’t make it to Christmas.
* Every time someone who should be justifiably fired somehow isn’t fired.
* Person abandons their big dreams for a awesome career and decides to become a small town person with a family
* "I want a faaaaamily."
* Someone gets an insta-family when they end up with someone who has at least one kid
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:41 PM on November 25, 2018 [7 favorites]
I mean, Hallmark movies are terrible, but I'll watch them for the same reason I watched Dynasty in reruns several times through, and Passions, which was spooky in the way a small child thinks of spooky.
posted by krinklyfig at 8:43 PM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by krinklyfig at 8:43 PM on November 25, 2018 [2 favorites]
They are terrible, but I watch them too. Intellectually I am all over the critique of their problematic whiteness, sexism, and class deafness. Still, sometimes you just want to watch something that's visually pleasing in general (snowflakes, greens, sparkle, sweaters) in which you know no one is about to brutally attacked and which won't ask you to dwell upon the hopelessness of the human condition. The TV equivalent of box mac and cheese.
posted by Miko at 9:06 AM on November 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Miko at 9:06 AM on November 26, 2018 [4 favorites]
I just wrote [a drinking game]. I based it off the holiday movie bingo cards I made some time ago.
[tries it, blacks out before first commercial break]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:31 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
[tries it, blacks out before first commercial break]
posted by DirtyOldTown at 10:31 AM on November 26, 2018 [3 favorites]
They're so terrible and I generally watch them several times.
posted by joannemerriam at 11:36 AM on November 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by joannemerriam at 11:36 AM on November 26, 2018 [1 favorite]
The War for Christmas TV Is More Competitive Than Ever
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:39 AM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:39 AM on November 27, 2018 [2 favorites]
I wrote a Christmas-themed instrumental for a music library this year, and if you've been watching Lifetime or Freeform, you've probably heard it a time or ten during the commercial breaks. It's one of my favorite :30s I've done, so I'm really glad it's getting used.
posted by uncleozzy at 6:55 AM on November 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by uncleozzy at 6:55 AM on November 27, 2018 [3 favorites]
You guys, “A Nutty Christmas” on Lifetime is incredible. Like, I cannot even describe how delightfully goofy this is.
posted by uncleozzy at 5:51 PM on November 30, 2018
posted by uncleozzy at 5:51 PM on November 30, 2018
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posted by MovableBookLady at 2:42 PM on November 22, 2018 [2 favorites]