From shapeshifting horse sex to Christian spanking fantasies
January 21, 2019 1:50 PM   Subscribe

"I was having a hard time not staring at the tube of flesh wrapped so tightly and held so firmly against his left thigh, as it lay against his firm hairy pelvis and angled up and to the left."

"I figured it was only fair for me to try some gay erotica by a gay author. And there's never been a gayer pen name than B.J. Twink, whose name is so gay, when you type it into Google, porn comes up.

I don't know how any of the other six Str8 2 Gays are, but Str8 2 Gay#4 was, uh, bizzare. Reading like a bland diary entry, the protagonist details an uneventful slice-of-life where he goes over to his friends Rick and Becky's house to swim. Sandy, another man, is also there. He jumps in the pool, eats hot dogs and stares at Rick and Sandy's junk. Then he goes home. And then Becky's dad has to get surgery, so B.J. goes over and skinny-dips with Rick while she's gone. That's it.

Worst line: "I was having a hard time not staring at the tube of flesh wrapped so tightly and held so firmly against his left thigh, as it lay against his firm hairy pelvis and angled up and to the left."

By Zachary Shucklin
posted by jojo and the benjamins (51 comments total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
 
> nobody is weirder than horny people

You nailed it... ha, nailed. :D
posted by Quackles at 2:09 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


There is a Facebook group, made solely for purposes of tagging, entitled "My Vagina Just Made the Windows Shutdown Noise." The dialogue here has reminded me forcefully of that.

The stock photo model in the header actually looks like an interesting dude, for once, which is the entirety of the praise that these works deserve.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:13 PM on January 21, 2019 [15 favorites]


"Hah-Tee"
posted by doctornemo at 2:15 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


Firm pelvis? He's got a firm pelvis? It's a bone, if you have a mooshy pelvis see a doctor. Can you make money writing this stuff? It seems not-difficult.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 2:32 PM on January 21, 2019 [13 favorites]


I've often thought about such things.. but in the end I come to the conclusion "but then I'd be the guy who got rich writing horse sex books... and do I really want to be that guy?"

But I realized a while ago that some folks, they don't have the privilege to decide whether or not they want to be "that horse sex writer person" or not. They just want to eat an feed they kids. Who am I to judge?
posted by some loser at 2:39 PM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]


I get what the author is going for in the piece but I reject the thesis of his opening paragraph out of hand:
Everyone likes bad things. In my opinion, they're easier to like than good things. Sure, a well-written book or uplifting movie can make you feel inspired or whatever, but that's ephemeral. It will fade. Deep down, we're all inherently spiteful beings, and ridiculing the efforts of others is sometimes what the soul needs.
Don't project your shit taste and psychic damage onto me, Mister Vice Dot Com writer.
posted by glonous keming at 2:41 PM on January 21, 2019 [12 favorites]


I've often thought about such things.. but in the end I come to the conclusion "but then I'd be the guy who got rich writing horse sex books... and do I really want to be that guy?"

It’s actually quite difficult in its way. Giving people what they want is simple, which is not the same thing as easy. A minute to learn, a lifetime to master, kind of thing.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:46 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]


I...have debated doing an AMA about this, but Reddit is just Too Much sometimes, you know?

I used to edit at a major e-publisher of erotica. This article just scratches the surface. I tried to find contact info for the author, but couldn't -- I was going to let him know I'd be happy to answer questions about how the taut, firm sausage gets made.

I will tell y'all that the very first step in the process was to CTRL-F and then record the number of instances of "cock," "fuck," etc. There was a metric for how the manuscripts would be sorted into categories that were basically hot, hotter, hottest: you had to have at least X number of "cock" instances to be in the hottest category.

There were all kinds of other weird things like this, like the rules around shapeshifting sex: it was OK if they were both animals or both humans, but there was to be NO shapeshifting sex with one as an animal and one as a human. I recall that being written on our whiteboard wall in all caps.

That job was traumatic...I had more than one MS that consisted of possibly not ONE complete sentence. By the time I quit, I had become the person who edited those very worst ones. It was like the EMS of editing or something.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:48 PM on January 21, 2019 [72 favorites]


I've often thought about such things.. but in the end I come to the conclusion "but then I'd be the guy who got rich writing horse sex books... and do I really want to be that guy?"

I bet it’s easier to live with than being “the guy who stayed poor writing horse sex books...”
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:49 PM on January 21, 2019 [31 favorites]


Also, literally everyone in the business -- including us editors! -- worked under pen names, so don't worry about being known as Horse Sex Guy.

It was really strange, there were definite memes that you would see crop up in every MS for awhile. "His breath came in short pants" was one, which always made us laugh because of the came/came pants/pants reading. There were a few where reference was made to a protagonist looking hot in her "slacks." Oh, and "he fisted her hair in his hand," in which "fisting" did NOT have the usual erotica meaning, but instead meant that he grabbed her hair in his fist. We would see these phrases pop up in several different MSS by different authors, which I took to mean they were all reading the same fanfic.

My favorite eggcorn/possible autocorrect? was "cabinet sauvignon," which I still use to refer to the crap red wine I like.

I'll try and remember some more good stuff, but feel free to ask if you want some more dirt :]
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:53 PM on January 21, 2019 [52 favorites]


Oh oh oh. And speaking of fanfic, one of the funniest things would be when an author submitted a MS that was clearly a fanfiction in which they had CTRL-F'd to find all the instances of characters' names, but had missed a few. I remember one that was a Dragonball-Z fanfic...disturbing!

And so many were-animals. Werebears, werewolves of course, werestallions, but also, angels that shapeshifted into pegasus...es... at one point there was an author writing these weird animal pairs of like a weregiraffe and a wereplatypus or something. Also, lots of what would be termed M/M/M/M/M/F: so like 5 werebear brothers were all sleeping with/marrying one non-werebear lady. Sigh.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:57 PM on January 21, 2019 [25 favorites]


fiercecupcake, you can't post enough reminiscences from those days to suit me.
posted by slkinsey at 3:14 PM on January 21, 2019 [37 favorites]


I need to unread the words "tube of flesh" immediately please
posted by Hermione Granger at 3:14 PM on January 21, 2019 [13 favorites]


But did Fleckwus speak out of his chinkle-chankle?
posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 3:16 PM on January 21, 2019 [4 favorites]


it was OK if they were both animals or both humans, but there was to be NO shapeshifting sex with one as an animal and one as a human. I recall that being written on our whiteboard wall in all caps.

That seems pretty important, I'm putting it on our whiteboard tomorrow morning.

Well not really, because that would be pretty inappropriate at my job.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:16 PM on January 21, 2019 [18 favorites]


I will also say that while on the whole the writing was pretty bad, there were a few authors that we all jumped to edit when their work came in. I still have fond memories of one who was writing a whole series of lighthearted M/M books -- not my personal jam, but they were just so delightful to read it was a welcome diversion.

I'm remembering all kinds of stuff now. Similar to the shapeshifting rule, I think we were OK with first cousins, but no closer whether or not they were blood relations. (So no step-sibling sex.) I wonder if they still hew to that rule. No strictly F/F books either -- it was OK if there was more than one woman present in a group sex situation with men, but no F/F romance or sex, as someone above us had judged it to be a turnoff (what?).

A simple M/F romance was definitely the exception. It would get to the point where there were so many dudes involved that I had to think through scenes in terms of Barbie dolls. His penis was over here -- how did it get over there?

Characters' eyes were also constantly changing color -- not just as an inconsistency in the text, but also them "darkening with arousal" or "shining amber with his lust for her" or whatever. There were a LOT of amber eyes happening.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:23 PM on January 21, 2019 [18 favorites]


Similar to the shapeshifting rule, I think we were OK with first cousins, but no closer whether or not they were blood relations. (So no step-sibling sex.) I wonder if they still hew to that rule.

That's interesting, because last I knew video porn was absolutely lousy with that sort of thing. Step-sister, step-son, straight-up blood relation incest, etc. Extremely weird and gross.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:37 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


I want to read this queer amish romance, it looks quite well written, but i am worried about its theological accuracy.
posted by PinkMoose at 4:03 PM on January 21, 2019 [10 favorites]


I need to unread the words "tube of flesh" immediately please

If you think about it, that's really all any of us are. Flesh tubes.

Think about it.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 4:33 PM on January 21, 2019 [10 favorites]


I prefer "meatbag," but let's not quibble over topology.
posted by glonous keming at 4:40 PM on January 21, 2019 [12 favorites]


So, many years ago, on some internetting wormhole, I discovered the reviews on Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. In particular: Christian dino-erotica, which then led to the werehedgehog romance. Look up their reviews the of the time travel wereshark series, too. In fact, if you search reviews by grade, there is a "rant" category which does not often disappoint.

(In an amusing coincidence, my newly acquired knowledge of the existence of Christian dino-erotica turned out to be relevant to the pub trivia I used to attend about a month after I read the above-linked reviews.)
posted by eviemath at 4:56 PM on January 21, 2019 [7 favorites]


Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Mostly Okay
posted by nicebookrack at 4:58 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]


Christian dino-erotica

no doubt by one of Dr. Tingle's reverse twins
posted by Countess Elena at 4:59 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]


fiercecupcake, what about shapeshifter porn where one partner is human, and the other is mostly human but with animal genitals? What about a human and a centaur, or a centaur and a horse? What about two centaurs, but one of them is a reverse centaur, where the front half is equine and the rear half human?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:11 PM on January 21, 2019 [6 favorites]


Christian dino-erotica

I am reminded of that Republican Sasquatch-porn guy.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:13 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


Wait, was the guy a Republican or was Sasquatch?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:14 PM on January 21, 2019


More of a Libertarian Skunk-Ape but tomato tomahto
posted by gc at 5:20 PM on January 21, 2019 [5 favorites]


I'm now trying to imagine the audience for fiercecupcake's books where, as a general rule, FF is "not hot". I mean, that seems to exclude a decent-sized audience.
posted by maxwelton at 5:26 PM on January 21, 2019


Wait, was the guy a Republican or was Sasquatch?

Given the choice of Republican Sasquatch-porn guy vs. Republican-Sasquatch porn guy, personally I'd prefer to meet neither.
posted by Dip Flash at 5:44 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


I'm now trying to imagine the audience for fiercecupcake's books where, as a general rule, FF is "not hot".

Straight women. Was that a more complex question than that, or....?
posted by cage and aquarium at 6:27 PM on January 21, 2019 [3 favorites]


Umm, firecupcake, I missed the, uh, numbers associated with those CTRL-Fs...
posted by lhauser at 6:51 PM on January 21, 2019


Isn't a pretty big part of the overall erotica-consuming market also queer women, though? You'd think that a ban on FF erotica would be shooting oneself in the foot, as well as being pretty homophobic and misogynistic.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 6:52 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


I was so damn sure this was the Bulwer-Lytton awards thread.
posted by Meatbomb at 7:28 PM on January 21, 2019 [1 favorite]


Anticipation, I think the no-incest and no-girl-on-girl both came from the same place - intended readership being kind of uptight in a weird way? But the gay MALE (M/M/et al.) books were by far the bestsellers. What.

It was in general VERY problematic, misogynistic, and anti-feminist. You'll notice I no longer work there. The worst was a M/M romanticization of what I can only call domestic violence (oh but he only acts that way because he loves me so much), with descriptions that both triggered me so badly I had to step away from my computer and that I feel like could only have been written by a survivor of domestic abuse. Fucked up stuff.

Luckily (?), the misogyny was usually limited to women wanting to be "taken care of" (read: quitting their jobs because they're now His Possession), which was nauseating but not traumatizing.

On a lighter note, nope, no mixed-species genitalia either. All human or all animal, never the twat shall meet.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:34 PM on January 21, 2019 [13 favorites]


I still wanna know what Sasquatch's position is on child immigrants and medicare-for-all.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 8:13 PM on January 21, 2019 [2 favorites]


Quite a few M/M fanfic authors and fans I know are queer women. Porn/erotica tastes don't necessarily map onto real-life sexual desires.
posted by muddgirl at 12:37 AM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


M/M Slashfic has a very significant - I suspect majority - writer/reader fanbase of straight women. Which is a nice complement for the amount of 'lesbian' porn that cis males get off on.

In those far-off pre-Internet days, pulp novel erotica was the major channel, and it was striking how some of that stuff was extremely well written and certainly up to mainstream fiction standards It is known that some name literary writers wrote erotica under pen names, and (in the UK at least) it was possible to have done so, have that public knowledge, and still have a career in politics. I donder if anyone's examined that side of things properly? (Me, I just assumed the position of enthusiastic consumer. It worked out fine.)

The other thing I've found out in life, especially those bits which have involved me and video, is the number of production people who've spent some time plying trade in the adult content world. They all have stories, not just of what happened on shoots but of the characters who worked off-screen. Again, I think this is a rich and (pace Velvet Goldmine) untapped area of our culture that shouldn't go unrecorded. People do indeed do the strangest things to get off, and others bend over backwards to help...
posted by Devonian at 1:50 AM on January 22, 2019


The last time Mefi discussed M/M romance/erotica a long-time community member buttoned, so this makes me nervous.

Anyway, sorry about my glibness above re target audiences. The industry's love of toxic masculinity and indifference toward queer women is an ongoing frustration of mine (however marginally I may identify), and trying to talk about it elsewhere has Not Gone Well.
posted by cage and aquarium at 3:02 AM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


Yeah, trying to discuss m/m gets unreasonably polarized among:

a: m/m is bad because the primary audience is straight women.
b: m/m is good because the primary audience is straight women, and LGBTQ people do it too.

On the one hand, these days I'm less willing to buy into the claim that people's porn/erotica/romance is safely sandboxed in the realm of fantasy. Having survived multiple rounds of relationship biphobia and homophobia, I find some of the most popular tropes to be really uncomfortable. On the other hand, I'm also less willing to buy into the claim that shouting at readers, amateurs, and writers trying to hit the sweet spots in algorithmic markets is a productive form of activism either. So to the extent I do shout, it's usually at mass media that's giving me precious few men who are not written as Straighty McStraightperson.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 6:03 AM on January 22, 2019 [6 favorites]


so many were-animals

weretardigrades are hot
posted by flabdablet at 6:10 AM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


If you think about it, that's really all any of us are. Flesh tubes.

Or put another way, "Thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat."
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:48 AM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


That's interesting, because last I knew video porn was absolutely lousy with that sort of thing. Step-sister, step-son, straight-up blood relation incest, etc. Extremely weird and gross.

I blame GoT, honestly. Would have to see some publication metrics to really draw a parallel tho, and that is effort I don't feel like putting in..
posted by FatherDagon at 6:54 AM on January 22, 2019



so many were-animals

weretardigrades are hot


...and cold, and can survive in the vacuum of space

that's gotta be somebody's fetish
posted by cage and aquarium at 6:58 AM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


Also, literally everyone in the business -- including us editors! -- worked under pen names, so don't worry about being known as Horse Sex Guy.

Unless, of course, your pen name is Horse Sex Guy.
posted by The Bellman at 12:50 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


Seems like a lot of yum yucking. So like, 'mainstream' porn is full of unsubtle hostility towards women. Such that one generally has to accept it as the overall sewer stench of the scene and hold one's nose while looking for anything tasteful or legitimately sex-positive. And I'm not talking about intentionally BDSM or any other flavor of kinky stuff. I have no problem with that. I mean that a vast amount of normie porn is full of unconsidered misogyny. Like if you were vegetarian and every restaurant without exception had a well displayed meat locker.

That being the reality, it seems weird to dunk on anyone for anything they find arousing. Occasionally humorous, sure, but not worth derision.
posted by es_de_bah at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2019


Having a fetish for Republicans does feel a bit disturbing, even if one is a sasquatch.
posted by acb at 2:17 PM on January 22, 2019 [2 favorites]


I usually post and walk away so I don't influence the comments but I gotta wonder how many read TFA. It's a funny (and sometimes weird/bad) review of some bad writing, not a critique of what floats someone's boat. WTF, eh?

Metafilter: WTF, eh?
posted by jojo and the benjamins at 3:22 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


Who's dunking? At least in here, I feel like people are being pretty chill. If shapeshifter erotica is your thing, I have no problem with that. I, a nominally cishet male, have at some point in my life consumed shapeshifter porn, furry porn, m/m, f/f, bdsm, pretty much any kind of erotica—visual, written, whatever—that involves consenting adults doing things to each other in the name of getting off. It's all good, just don't hurt anyone. Doesn't mean we can't have a sense of humor about it, eh?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 3:59 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


And a sense of anticipation.
posted by mono blanco at 7:45 PM on January 22, 2019


TUBE OF FLESH literally

Giulia Enders: Gut: The Inside Story of Our Body's Most Underrated Organ
We develop, roughly speaking, from three tubes. The first tube runs right the way through us, with a knot in the middle. This is our cardiovascular system, and the central knot is what develops into our heart. The second tube develops more or less parallel to the first along our back. Then it forms a bubble that migrates to the top end of our body, where it stays put. This tube is our nervous system, with the spinal cord, including the brain, at the top and myriad nerves branching out into every part of our body. The third tube runs through us from end to end. This is our intestinal tube—the gut.
The intestinal tube provides many of the furnishings of our interior. It grows buds that bulge out farther and farther to the right and left. These buds will later develop into our lungs. A little bit lower down, the intestinal tube bulges again and our liver has begun to develop. It also forms our gall bladder and pancreas. But, most importantly, the tube itself begins to grow increasingly clever. It is involved in the complex construction of our mouth, creates our esophagus, with its ability to move like a break dancer, and develops a little stomach pouch so we can store food for a couple of hours. And, last but not least, the intestinal tube completes its masterpiece—the eponymous intestine or gut.
posted by ohshenandoah at 11:19 PM on January 22, 2019 [1 favorite]


okay, I'm gonna play through with this article I just found entitled Porny Presidential Fanfic Isn't Just Kinky—It's Political. It does not, blessedly, contain any excerpts, but it does contain facts that I must inflict on someone else, particularly this one: The only thing more baffling than the existence of a 63-chapter erotic novel detailing a fictional relationship between Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders is that nearly 90,000 people have read it.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:12 PM on January 23, 2019 [1 favorite]


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