terrifying sex organs of male turtles
January 25, 2019 8:08 PM   Subscribe

Of the many unlikeable and inaccurate stereotypes maintained about animals in popular consciousness, among the most frustrating is what I term “old man turtle”. This is the idea that turtles (by which I mean, all members of Testudines) are like decrepit, weak, bony little old men housed inside a box. It’s not fair, and it’s not at all accurate. Here we look at just one aspect of turtle anatomy. In keeping with the stupid “old man turtle” idea, popular culture would have it that turtles are weak, flaccid, crappy organisms with dull social lives, stunted and barely functional internal organs and undersized sex organs. Well, wait a goddam minute… Warning: the following article may be considered unsuitable for viewing by minors.
posted by sciatrix (15 comments total) 13 users marked this as a favorite
 
the best thing is that I have been meaning to write about marsupial dicks and all the weird ways that therian intromittent organs--you can find people who argue that you gotta have a urethra to be a penis, which actually disqualifies even some marsupials--have gone back and forth and tangled with the anatomy, but haven't gotten around to it yet

but this is nearly as good and it talks about squamata instead and Darren Naish is a national treasure okay

posted by sciatrix at 8:14 PM on January 25, 2019 [4 favorites]


‚However you respond to these images, don’t feel ashamed.‘
posted by The Toad at 8:21 PM on January 25, 2019 [1 favorite]


For me the images aren't loading. I was afraid that after being tantalized I was just going to have to imagine all of these turtle penises! However the Wayback Machine archive has helped me out by showing the ghosts of turtle penises past.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:33 PM on January 25, 2019 [27 favorites]


When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be telling the internet the story of Lunah and the $76 penis - but here we go . . .

In the mid-90's, I adopted two desert tortoise hatchlings and named them Lunah and Soleil. I decided that Lunah was a girl and Soleil was a boy. The hatchlings were each smaller than a 50 cent piece when they came home. Over time, they grew and lived in a plastic baby pool in my dining room. They ate what I ate - lots and lots of greens and strawberries. All was well and peaceful.

One day, when they were a few years old, I looked down and saw something huge and purple and horrifying coming out of Lunah's back end. Convinced that she was dying, my partner at the time and I rushed her to the exotic animal vet. However, by the time we got there, the thing had somehow gone back inside her. The vet calmly consulted a medical book and showed us a photo. "Is this what it looked like?" she asked.

YES! We explained again how awful it was.

"Girls, that is a penis," the vet said.

And that is how I spent $76 to find out Lunah had become a man.
posted by augustinetill at 9:01 PM on January 25, 2019 [38 favorites]


Having visited the Internet Archive link, I can now say with confidence: They're big, but I've seen duck dicks.
posted by wotsac at 9:25 PM on January 25, 2019 [2 favorites]


Omg it looks like turtles were the inspiration for some kinds of Vulcan genitalia.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 11:01 PM on January 25, 2019 [3 favorites]


Okay it's 3am and these turtle dicks are cool but when are we going to get to see the diverse vulva and labia of the Animal Kingdom?
posted by nightrecordings at 12:00 AM on January 26, 2019 [8 favorites]


I hope whomever tackles the diverse vulva and labia of the Animal Kingdom is an expert in the field because I cannot imagine what potential porn horrors might await the non-expert. Thanks for the great post, sciatrix! I trust you will honour us with a post on marsupial dicks and weird therian intromittent organs when you are ready. A special shoutout to augustinetill: My dear, I am convinced that your $76 investment will go on to entertain MeFites and the world for years to come. OMG such a great story, thanks for sharing!
posted by Bella Donna at 1:18 AM on January 26, 2019 [4 favorites]


After you see—or, rather, hear—this tortoise couple caught in flagrante at the zoo, you won't ever think of turtles as less than studly in the sack. (Btw, I couldn't click on the link; call me a coward, but I'm content to live and die without ever knowing what a turtle's appendage looks like.)
posted by Transl3y at 1:37 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]


I like how the "CONTENT WARNING: PENISES AHOY" bit comes well after the first photo, which features a chihuahua-sized tortoise flagrantly sporting a human-sized erection. A purple one.
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 5:30 AM on January 26, 2019 [1 favorite]


If this sort of thing is up your alley, and you ever find yourself in Iceland, may I recommend a visit to The Icelandic Phallological Museum? Unfortunately, a brief scan of their specimens list indicates no one's yet donated a turtle penis. If you have one on hand, perhaps you too can become an honorary member.
posted by eirias at 7:39 AM on January 26, 2019 [2 favorites]


Also, I take from these photos that Ogden Nash missed this exhibit at the zoo.
posted by eirias at 7:40 AM on January 26, 2019


Rushing to Etsy to start my Team Turtle Cocks brand!
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 7:57 AM on January 26, 2019


Metafilter: how badly do I want to see turtle dongs?
posted by Vic Morrow's Personal Vietnam at 7:52 AM on January 27, 2019


Snapping turtle (Chelydra serpentina) with penis out. A response to being handled.

Same as lots of human males, I'd say.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:23 PM on February 3, 2019


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