“I was gonna keep going... But you blew it for me."

April 26, 2019 4:52 PM

First, there was the sedated bear that was not named Ron, because "No one would name a bear Ron. I’m done here. No more silly questions." Then, there was the professional juggler to teach kids how to juggle knives and fire. Does the anti-vax community really want to host these fairs? (The previous sentence constructed with a healthy dose of Betteridge.)
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd (53 comments total)

with allies like this, who needs sedated bears?
posted by prize bull octorok at 5:13 PM on April 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

A catchphrase common on the old site Fandom Wank comes to mind:

"Stop being on my side, you're making my side look stupid."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:15 PM on April 26, 2019 [23 favorites]

I mean, why wouldn’t you name a bear Ron?
posted by five_cents at 5:31 PM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

I once quit watching an anime series over a dog named John. There were other reasons but that was the camelstraw.
posted by glonous keming at 6:05 PM on April 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

“Sometimes she is lovely, but then I have a conversation with the same person and she’s all fired up about the bear.”
posted by Drab_Parts at 6:25 PM on April 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

My neighbors young kids found a lost dog. They decided they’d keep it and name it Kevin. I never not laugh at that memory.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 6:43 PM on April 26, 2019 [5 favorites]

I am firmly on Team People Names for Animal Frens.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 7:25 PM on April 26, 2019 [22 favorites]

Ironically juggling knives and juggling fire are things that people really do have a totally unfounded fear of doing.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:52 PM on April 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

"And she had bad news about the bear."

Solid gold.
posted by jonathanhughes at 8:20 PM on April 26, 2019 [4 favorites]

“No one would name a bear Ron. I’m done here. No more silly questions.”

I wouldn't be so sure about that.  Just last night I was watching some nature special or another via Netflix, and had to sit through an hour of scientists talking seriously about the scary power of a rutting elephant named…Matt.  Sure, he was impressive, but every time they said his name I just couldn't help laughing.  Some names just don't instill fear, you know?  Imagine you were told you should be afraid of a Lion named Tim.  Sure, it's a lion, but come on, Tim?

On the other hand I did get to giggle repeatedly at an elephant named Matt swinging his giant dingus around, so…
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 8:21 PM on April 26, 2019 [6 favorites]

Metafilter: I said, more to myself than her. “This is very weird.”
posted by sacrifix at 8:45 PM on April 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

A few hours after Gmail Wendy denied any knowledge of the bear, ProtonMail Wendy responded, in a very different tone.

I'll take "beefy, hirstute men and party drugs" for $500, Alex.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:02 PM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

Sure, it's a lion, but come on, Tim?

There are some who call me.... Tim?
posted by hippybear at 9:06 PM on April 26, 2019 [10 favorites]

My neighbors young kids found a lost dog. They decided they’d keep it and name it Kevin. I never not laugh at that memory.

When I was very young, we had a dog named Kevin. My mom had found Kevin in the Grand Union grocery store parking lot. My mom named Kevin. It was too late to change Kevin's name when they discovered Kevin was a girl. Best pet name ever.
posted by tzikeh at 9:21 PM on April 26, 2019 [15 favorites]

My cats are named Nancy and Rocky. They don't get along despite having lived together for over a decade. They're named after characters in a Beatles song. The song is a lie.
posted by hippybear at 9:24 PM on April 26, 2019 [7 favorites]

As a former Grand Union employee, I hadn't thought about Grand Union in an awfully long time
posted by Earthtopus at 9:43 PM on April 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

Wait. Wait. Wait...

I can't call my bear Ron? Since when? Fucking christ, help me I have to tell him not to kill me... He's always been Ron.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH/rjgnblknnnsb

::CRUNCH CRUNCH::

My name is Ronald...
posted by Splunge at 9:50 PM on April 26, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had a gerbil named Tim. He only had one eye. He'd walk around sort of twisted over to keep it on top so no one could sneak up on his blind side. Consequently he ended up looking like a Marty Feldman Igor sort of gerbil. The summer I was about twelve he escaped just a couple days before I had to leave for summer camp so my dad put out a trap for him. It worked. I rarely think of Tim.
posted by Cris E at 9:55 PM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

Beights does have an interesting history of working on “projects” involving permits, light trolling, and distant locales: besides the attempted event in Charlottesville, he also tried, in 2018, to get a permit to send a group of clowns with accordions to stand outside the home of Scott D. Rhodes, a white supremacist who enjoys launching racist and anti-Semitic robocalls.

Because most clowns also play the accordion.
posted by Brian B. at 11:27 PM on April 26, 2019 [3 favorites]

My cats are named Nancy and Rocky. They don't get along despite having lived together for over a decade. They're named after characters in a Beatles song. The song is a lie.

Obvs McGill aka Nancy is just unhappy that no one calls her Lil.
posted by simra at 11:35 PM on April 26, 2019 [9 favorites]

Whenever friends or family ask me to suggest a name for a new pet, I say 'Steve,' or 'Kevin,' or 'Bob.' For some reason, my ideas are always rejected, and the animal winds up named something like 'Spotty,' or whatever the animal shelter was calling it. Ron would be a good name for an animal, if Doug was unavailable.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 2:56 AM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

We are firmly Team People Names - and Clyde, Gerald and George all seem fine with it, thankyouverymuch.
posted by Sweetie Darling at 3:56 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Beights wasn’t quite responsive to my argument that many, many people—pediatricians, nurses, public health advocates, parents, educators, scientists, meme-makers—are working hard to weaken the spread of false anti-vaccine ideas.

“There are a lot of people doing this work you could join forces with,” I told him.

“But it wouldn’t be funny,” he responded.

Well. okay. there's that?
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 3:59 AM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

They should have called the bear BEN!
posted by Burn_IT at 5:25 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

My sister has a hen in her flock named Kyle. And yes, the kids got to help pick names.
posted by wenestvedt at 6:10 AM on April 27, 2019

Huge teddy bears are all named Tim.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:59 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had a cat named Ben once, it was my grandfather's middle name.

He was not amused.
posted by mrgoat at 7:00 AM on April 27, 2019

On the other hand I did get to giggle repeatedly at an elephant named Matt swinging his giant dingus around, so…

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

MetaFilter: an elephant named Matt swinging his giant dingus around
posted by Huffy Puffy at 7:07 AM on April 27, 2019 [8 favorites]

What an asshole.
posted by Omnomnom at 7:18 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Trolling in order to fool the trollee: legitimate fun.

Trolling in order to make a trollee you've never even met look ridiculous to other people: mean-spirited bullshit.

Doing the latter and then claiming to be virtuous because of it: Milo-level mendacious self-serving horseshit.

There's a line. This fucker definitely on the wrong side of it.
posted by flabdablet at 7:56 AM on April 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

Huge teddy bears are all named Tim.

I have a 5 foot teddy bear and his name is Tony.
posted by hippybear at 8:17 AM on April 27, 2019

Ron is a natural name for a bear.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:53 AM on April 27, 2019

"...he also tried, in 2018, to get a permit to send a group of clowns with accordions to stand outside the home of Scott D. Rhodes, a white supremacist who enjoys launching racist and anti-Semitic robocalls."

Not all heroes wear capes
posted by FirstMateKate at 10:04 AM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

he also tried, in 2018, to get a permit to send a group of clowns with accordions to stand outside the home of Scott D. Rhodes, a white supremacist

So... do you suppose it's easier to hire clowns and then give them an afternoon's crash course in accordion-playing and hope they achieve whatever passes for "minimum viable accordion" and then point them at your target and tell them to go forth?

Or do you hire some accordion players and then just stick 'em in some rented clown gear? If so do you go for "sad clown" or "happy clown"?

Or do clown-accordionists exist as a distinct profession that you can hire, like a mariachi band, or Rhodesian mercenaries?

I would really like to understand the logistics of this because I can think of a number of people that I would like to send a... what do you suppose the plural noun, the standard unit of clown-accordionists is, anyway?... well I would like to send several of those.
posted by Kadin2048 at 10:19 AM on April 27, 2019 [10 favorites]

do clown-accordionists exist as a distinct profession that you can hire

IIRC, it used to be distinct funding stream at the Canada Council.
posted by wreckingball at 11:10 AM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

i was patiently waiting for someone to make manifest the reference that began rattling round my brains like an old tin can the second i began reading about this, and my patience was ultimately rewarded. thank you, Navelgazer. you are a beautiful animal, a destroyer of worlds.
posted by halation at 11:23 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

We had five cats at one time, all named after Beatles songs. Martha and Prudence, obvs, and Julia, Lucy and Robert. Julia was The Best Cat Ever (fact).
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 11:28 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

I have, at various times in the past, lived with:

A corgi named Stuart (that's what we called him. He could have been named Dafydd, or Aaron or something, but none of us spoke Welsh).

A cat named Jadzia Dax (she has spots, and wants your food, or anybody's food).

A cat named Kira Nerys (she is extremely violent, and is already done with your shit).


I am definitely on team animals with human(oid) names.
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 11:39 AM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

A cat named Jadzia Dax (she has spots, and wants your food, or anybody's food).

A cat named Kira Nerys (she is extremely violent, and is already done with your shit).

I used to have dogs named Daz and Kira. They were both very good dogs.
posted by Orlop at 12:10 PM on April 27, 2019 [2 favorites]

My cat is Fitzgerald and my dog is Sophia, so count me on the team as well.
posted by Navelgazer at 12:28 PM on April 27, 2019

“Everybody’s planning an event in Tallahassee on the 23rd,” she said, meaning the anti-vaccine community.

It's just so...dry. This is great.
posted by hototogisu at 12:38 PM on April 27, 2019

We had a cat named David.
posted by double bubble at 1:03 PM on April 27, 2019 [1 favorite]

Pfft. Cats care not for your names. A cat will name itself, given time.

Or kill you in your sleep.
posted by skippyhacker at 3:01 PM on April 27, 2019

The Naming Of Cats by T. S. Eliot

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey--
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter--
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum-
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover--
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Effanineffable
Deep and inscrutable singular Name.
posted by hippybear at 3:35 PM on April 27, 2019 [7 favorites]

It may not be easy to learn accordion, but if your goal is to have people say "wow, she plays accordion like a clown", the bar is much lower. Clowns are frequently overachieving polymaths, because the standard they need to maintain is less daunting in general.
posted by idiopath at 5:00 PM on April 27, 2019 [6 favorites]

I have named animals after people I have known since I was a little child. My goldfish were named after my aunts and uncles, including title. Aunt Susan, uncle Al, etc allgot flushed at one point. My current dog is named after my old roommate. The annoying squirrel that lives outside my window is named after an old coworker. The stray cat I pet everyday on my way to work is named after my current boss.
posted by nestor_makhno at 10:04 PM on April 27, 2019

“Beights does have an interesting history of working on “projects” involving permits, light trolling, and distant locales: besides the attempted event in Charlottesville, he also tried, in 2018, to get a permit to send a group of clowns with accordions to stand outside the home of Scott D. Rhodes, a white supremacist who enjoys launching racist and anti-Semitic robocalls.

Because most clowns also play the accordion.”

He didn’t say the clowns played well. That actually would not be as effective.
posted by coldhotel at 5:33 AM on April 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

May I be a quiet voice in the middle of the discussion about "can you give human names to animals" to ask everyone what they think about identity theft in the interest of trying to discredit someone? I'm not seeing that topic addressed in this discussion. And that's basically what this dude did.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:19 AM on April 28, 2019 [10 favorites]

Another interesting plot point, to me anyway, was that in the summer of 2018, Beights had filed a permit to hold an event in Charlottesville on the first anniversary of the deadly Unite the Right rally. The festival was to feature a dunk tank and a giraffe;

Also not being addressed: the name of the giraffe.

Anyway, EmpressC, I know what you mean, but surely we can do both here.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 12:20 PM on April 28, 2019

Yeah, I'm torn between "antivax is a memetic disease that needs to be fought with all the weapons at our disposal before it winds up killing huge swaths of people" and "identity theft is really not okay, though, it just isn't." No heroes in this story except Not-Ron the bear.
posted by taquito sunrise at 1:02 PM on April 28, 2019 [2 favorites]

I can't wait to GTFO of 22901
posted by markbrendanawitzmissesus at 10:24 PM on April 28, 2019

Oh hey, this is basically why I hate the Yes Men.
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 4:05 AM on April 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

Germany’s health minister proposes a $2,790 anti-vaxxer charge
The country’s health minister also suggests banning unvaccinated children from daycares.
posted by XMLicious at 2:31 PM on May 6, 2019