The Great British Dildo Heist
November 7, 2019 5:05 AM   Subscribe

BBC: “Sex toys worth £1m were stolen from a lorry parked in a lay-by.” Northampton Chronicle: “The incident happened on Wednesday, September 18, between 1am and 6.30am, in the layby between the A14 and Broughton village, and involved a lorry travelling from Felixstowe to Kettering in order to deliver its load to Rocks Off Ltd, based at the aptly-named Satisfaction House in Cunliffe Drive.”

Northamptonshire Police put out an alert on Twitter. A few of the responses:

* It’s all well and good making jokes about this, butt who will plug the demand for these products now.
* Without a doubt the work of hardened criminals.
* Have you found the ring leader?
* I hope the valuation hasn’t been blown out of proportion and when the robbers are caught they come quietly.
posted by Wordshore (51 comments total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
 
Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 5:27 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


lay-by indeed
posted by Huffy Puffy at 5:29 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news.


for sale, bondage shoes, never used
posted by lazaruslong at 5:45 AM on November 7 [15 favorites]


Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news.

For sale, butt plug, end missing.
posted by Wordshore at 5:51 AM on November 7 [22 favorites]


Hope they clamp down on these types of crimes.
posted by Melismata at 5:58 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


An excellent analysis that really lays it all out. We don't have to grope for a motive here.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 6:06 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Dicks
posted by dismas at 6:12 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


Have the police thought of asking the local doggers if they saw anything?
posted by acb at 6:23 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Really fascinated to learn how the thieves plan to... unload the goods. Who is your sex toy fence? Sorry man, those dildos are hot!
posted by dis_integration at 6:24 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


Peak Wordshore.
posted by theora55 at 6:25 AM on November 7 [9 favorites]


Can I take this for granted
With your blindfold over me?
In your place
Your grifty home
I know there's toys you’ve stolen

Sex crime
Sex crime
On the A-1-4

And so I face the wall
Turn my back to bare it all
How I wish I'd been warned
Your riding crop didn’t cost you dear

Sex crime
Sex crime
On the A-1-4

posted by Capt. Renault at 6:34 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


This is just to say

I have taken
The dildos
That were in
The lay-by
posted by nubs at 6:36 AM on November 7 [13 favorites]


I badly want to make a joke with Dr. Evil saying "one million dollars" with his pinky, you know, elsewhere.
posted by wellred at 6:37 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


The plot thickens.
posted by j_curiouser at 6:38 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


I don't think this story has reached its climax yet.
posted by gwint at 6:39 AM on November 7 [8 favorites]


Needs Peaky Blinders and Winston Churchill.
posted by No Robots at 6:43 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


dismas: "Dicks"

Who withdrew the dicks?
posted by chavenet at 6:48 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


OH UK NEVER CHANGE

It had been delivering its load to a sex shop when thieves struck overnight in a lay-by, police say

[And that's from the UK media operation the locals call "Auntie"]
posted by chavenet at 6:50 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


🎶If fickle Miss Fortune should give you the slip
Look her square in the face with a stiff upper lip🎶
posted by Glomar response at 6:50 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Google Maps tells me it's only 2h and a bit from the crime scene to Penistone. Just saying.
posted by Quindar Beep at 6:51 AM on November 7 [6 favorites]


which bit
posted by lalochezia at 6:52 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


Oh Wordshore- it's so good you're back.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 6:54 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


Yeeeeessss, Phase One begins successfully. Now for Phase Two. *eyes Wordshore ominously*
posted by loquacious at 6:55 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


"Hatchet" Harry wanted for questioning.
posted by JohnFromGR at 7:01 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news.

Scotland Yard is at the door, saying my fanny is full of evidence.
posted by dr_dank at 7:02 AM on November 7 [6 favorites]


Who is your sex toy fence?

Now I just want the police to find the culprit living in a house with the yard ringed by dildos, all picket like.
posted by Ghidorah at 7:16 AM on November 7 [7 favorites]


There's a service station and hotel near there!!
posted by Burn_IT at 7:45 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


I just want to say that Sex Toy Fence were awesome when I saw them open for My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult in '93.
posted by suetanvil at 7:46 AM on November 7 [10 favorites]


> Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news.

Those sex toys weren't stolen, and whatever used them wants more.
posted by lucidium at 8:09 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


For sale, butt plug, end missing.

Remember kids, "without a base, without a trace."
posted by jcreigh at 8:09 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


[handsomejack] Dicks! I'm talking about dicks. [/handsomejack]
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 8:14 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


> "Ok Mefi tell me a one-sentence horror story based on this news."

"What do you mean, a lorry-full wasn't enough?" she screamed, as behind her the pulsating mass writhed and grew even larger, still unsatisfied.
posted by kyrademon at 8:15 AM on November 7 [5 favorites]


I'm getting a questionable vibe from this story.
posted by dephlogisticated at 8:24 AM on November 7 [5 favorites]


I have stolen
the dildos
that were in
the big truck

and which
you were probably
planning
on selling

Forgive me
they were humongous
so veiny
and so stiff
posted by Splunge at 8:26 AM on November 7 [7 favorites]


Yeeeeessss, Phase One begins successfully. Now for Phase Two. *eyes Wordshore ominously*

I sure hope it doesn't involve 18 pounds of Red Leicester cheese.
posted by Mayor West at 8:30 AM on November 7 [5 favorites]


Where does one flog this sort of contraband?
posted by GenjiandProust at 8:35 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Where does one flog this sort of contraband?

Not saying anything incriminating, but keep an eye on this place...
posted by Wordshore at 8:45 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


More like "with whom," amirite?
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:58 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Cunliffe Drive

*sigh* So close...
posted by Halloween Jack at 9:13 AM on November 7 [6 favorites]


The company tweeted a picture of the stolen items, and... well, that was an education.
posted by Wordshore at 9:41 AM on November 7 [4 favorites]


(am sure the barman used one of those to mix my cocktail yesterday evening)
posted by Wordshore at 9:46 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Maybe someone was trying to treat a flaccid Johnson....
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:04 AM on November 7 [1 favorite]


which bit

Just the tip.
posted by e1c at 10:12 AM on November 7 [3 favorites]


2. ???
3. Profit!
posted by stonepharisee at 11:21 AM on November 7 [2 favorites]


stonepharisee: "2. ???
3. Profit!
"

More like "pro-fit", amirite?
posted by chavenet at 12:30 PM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Northamptonshire Police put out an alert on Twitter.

I would have thought it would be the jurisdiction of the Home Office since it's an...internal matter.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 3:00 PM on November 7 [3 favorites]


I spent a few weeks semi homeless in London in the 90s. Sleeping in parks and stuff. I could shower and nap in this apartment in Earl's Court where everyone was involved in some kind of petty crime or another.

Lots of crazy things happened there.

The two weirdest incidents were the black market wild caught salmon heist and the Ann Summer boxes that fell off the truck.

It was easy to unload the salmon, lots of moral flexibility to be found among managers and chefs at fancy sushi restaurants in Kensington and Fulham.

The sex toys were a pain in the ass to get rid off.

A buyer was found for half of the stuff, a motorcycle messenger who sent them back home to Bulgaria for his grandmother to sell.

The other half was sold over the course of a couple of months to drunks leaving bars late at night.

If you ever saw a young homeless guy peddling dildos out of a McDonald's bag at 2 a.m. by King's Cross station, it may have been me.
posted by Dr. Curare at 3:02 PM on November 7 [21 favorites]


You know, it’s a lot closer to Shingay-cum-Wendy than Penistone.
posted by How much is that froggie in the window at 5:03 PM on November 7 [1 favorite]


Turned out to be the wet bandits.
posted by MartinWisse at 3:37 AM on November 8 [1 favorite]


The sex toys were a pain in the ass...

As ever, use more lube.
posted by snuffleupagus at 11:15 PM on November 8 [1 favorite]


@HaveIGotNews: "After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly."
posted by Wordshore at 7:49 AM on November 9 [1 favorite]


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