“Eichhörnchen!”
March 11, 2020 3:29 PM   Subscribe

@eerrriiicaa: "Please tell me your embarrassing sex stories so i feel better. I just thought about the time a few years ago when a guy went down on me and we made eye contact and I waved for some reason" and @RealFionaO replied "A fella I was riding said ‘Who is your daddy?’ And I said my Dad’s name ‘Eamonn’" and there were more...

@mschoonover15: "i lost my virginity while watching the bee movie, so there’s that"

@lentilslut: "One time I tapped the tip like it was a microphone, said “is this thing on?” Like mike wazowskie in monsters inc, and then as I explained the reference he went flaccid"

@solaslover69: "i lost my anal virginity with stuart little playing in the background"

@Rhymanimal: "Grabbed hand sanitizer instead of lube and generously applied it in the dark"

@_dakotadean: "As he came he yelled "game over" in a video game voice then left."

@chloerhause: "dude was hittin it from behind and then stopped, got up, used his inhaler, then went right back to it like nothing happened"

@gabymolko: "Ok, so one time I was a virgin and I had this date. I went to his house and we started to make out, but I didn't want my first time to be like that. Out of despair I told him I thought I was having a heart attack. He took me to the hospital. We spent 6h there."

@taryntalks: "I once was getting hot and heavy with a dude, but stopped to point at his boner and say in my best urkel voice “did I do that?”"

@Tamuclaire: "One time, because I'm a weirdo. I was about to give my ex head but decided to have a little chat with his willy first in my best Gollum voice and called it "my precious." He was not amused."

@mmmmmmmorgs: "This guy went down on me one time and I was super sleepy so I fell asleep and farted in his face and he jerked back and screamed “omg I felt the wind”"

@maleahisabela: "when i lost my virginity he didn’t even get it in me, he was having sex with my bed and didn’t even realize it, i wasn’t turned on, but i liked him so i let him continue having sex with my bed and never told him"

@imarockyy: "Once I was having sex in the kitchen, I was flipping tortillas and he was... doing his thing. I ended up banging my head on the stove vent and started bleeding down my face.. everywhere. But I did not burn the tortillas"

@baddestmamajama: "We were in a b&b and our room was disability compliant so the shower was huge and had a fold out bench in it which APPARENTLY you shouldn’t straddle a guy on unless you want it to collapse under you and make a noise so loud the entire inn staff appears at your door"

@jonahcarroll_: "one time, my ex and i were mid sex. he answers the phone (his boss called), doesn’t stop what he’s ya know doing....and proceeds to say “i was just thinking of you!!!”....i immediately got dressed ha"

@lazylichen: "one time after we finished on the living room couch, this guy in all seriousness slapped the side of my upper arm and said “good game” then went and got a powerade in the kitchen"

@MikeTakesman: "I was having car sex in front of my neighbors house and th neighbor had a heart attack so 911 was called. Mid-mediocre pumps an ambulance and cop cars flew down the street & surrounded my car. I gave him a thumbs up as he was on the gurney headed to the hospital. He survived"

@ohhoneysenpai: "I was being touched in a romantic bath with candles and I leaned my head too far back and caught my hair on fire and it took me longer than I’d like to admit that the solution was to just sunk my head in the bathtub"

@kayceegilcrease: "One guy asked me how I felt during it and I said “Very nice” in a borat voice. I've never even seen borat"

@hiitsmecarlie: "the time i said my own name on accident right as we both climaxed"

@RainbowRevRAE: "Idk if it's more embarrassing or cringy but when I first started having sex I took a crack at dirty talk and it has haunted me ever since. I said to him (about his ejaculation) "give me all your pretty things" I have no fucking clue why I said it like that but there it is..."

@sammgifford: "One time a guy fingered me after doing a food challenge with extremely hot wings. This boy didnt wash his hands and got triple atomic hot sauce in my vagina. I have never felt such pain down there."

@Morgan_Jenae: "one time a m*n complimented my breasts during sex saying “you don’t know how perfect these are” and I said “thanks I got them from my mom”"

@kpcantweet: "one time a guy came in like 30 seconds and i left and gave him a high five and said “you’ll get em next time tiger”"

@mattbzc: "worked at a cinema & could take home bags of leftover popcorn. hooked up with this girl and knocked a full bag off my side shelf & onto her back. i couldn't stop laughing, we cleaned up as much as we could & started again. 20 sec in & i catch her just lowkey snacking on popcorn"

@mimixtran: "I hooked up with my ex fling’s roommate and in the middle of it, my guy goes “you know, it’s nice hearing these sounds coming from you from my side of the wall instead of his”"

@poormanskesha: "A guy I had a one night stand with thought that blowing hard into my mouth was sexy. All it did was hurt my ears and make my eyes water. He also kept licking my front two teeth"

@celibitchh: "first time giving head I took it out of my mouth and said “referee calls a time out”"

@weandourwords: "It was her first time ever and my first in like 3 years having sex. After she came, it was awkward for us both. I still don't know why the hell I did this, but I pressed my index finger against her clit and said "ding dong""

@Ms_flickk: "A cop caught me riding my bf in the car butt naked at a church parking lot. Had to get out in shame and told him about the person he was looking for (robbery down the st) had ran past us. As he (FINALLY) drove away, he said in his speaker, “Jesus is watching” and laughed"

@lu_cranberry: "this american guy asked me to yell at him in german in the middle and i panicked and said “eichhörnchen” and he said “aw yeah baby that’s hot” and came"
posted by Wordshore (94 comments total) 100 users marked this as a favorite


 
eichhörnchen, for those like me who do not know German, is a type of squirrel.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:38 PM on March 11, 2020 [67 favorites]


But I did not burn the tortillas #priorities
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:43 PM on March 11, 2020 [21 favorites]


Also some of these guys have no sense of humor whatsoever.
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:44 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


I dunno, my girlfriend likes to commentate like it's a horse race sometimes and while it's objectively funny it does kind of take me out of the moment, you know?
posted by Silentgoldfish at 3:46 PM on March 11, 2020 [12 favorites]


Fuck yeah. Why not? It's free popcorn.
posted by sexyrobot at 3:46 PM on March 11, 2020 [32 favorites]


"omg I felt the wind" is the pinnacle of our society.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:57 PM on March 11, 2020 [13 favorites]


I dunno, my girlfriend likes to commentate like it's a horse race sometimes ...

"...and he's over the final hurdle and into the home straight but it's been a long race and he's tiring a little now and there's only three furlongs to go, but look who's coming up on the rails..."

Is this close? I have no real idea here...
posted by Wordshore at 4:05 PM on March 11, 2020 [34 favorites]


/whacks Wordshore on the back

Good game!
posted by mwhybark at 4:09 PM on March 11, 2020 [32 favorites]


the morning after his brother's wedding we were awash in lovey-dovey vibes which we somehow translated into let's try having anal sex for the first time! but we had not planned ahead for the lube situation and somehow in our hungover NEED ANAL NOW state of desperation decided that SUNSCREEN was our best option (SUNSCREEN!!) and the weird part is we were so horned up and excited for first time anal that it seemed to work fine, like my butthole really opened up in the spirit of true love that morning and had multi-spectrum protection to boot
posted by youarenothere at 4:12 PM on March 11, 2020 [69 favorites]


After the first night, guy says to me, "You should get an IUD. It takes, like, five minutes, tops."

There was not a second night.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:18 PM on March 11, 2020 [26 favorites]


My ex used to take Ambien and either not tell me or lie about it if I asked her directly. So any given sexual encounter might start out normal and then suddenly get weird. Sometimes hilarious and sometimes terrifying but always weird.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 4:19 PM on March 11, 2020 [24 favorites]


"when i lost my virginity he didn’t even get it in me, he was having sex with my bed and didn’t even realize it, i wasn’t turned on, but i liked him so i let him continue having sex with my bed and never told him"

I have good news about your virginity?
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:21 PM on March 11, 2020 [71 favorites]


Maybe there was a round two with better aim?
posted by Dip Flash at 4:23 PM on March 11, 2020 [5 favorites]


I'm sure there was, and hopefully it was more enjoyable than "humoring him while he fucks my bed"
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 4:26 PM on March 11, 2020 [8 favorites]


My wife once rickrolled me mid beej via humming. We both almost didn't finish from laughing.
posted by Uncle at 4:32 PM on March 11, 2020 [42 favorites]


MetaFilter: omg I felt the wind
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:46 PM on March 11, 2020 [12 favorites]


I think I have mentioned this here before but in high school I was dating a guy who was the singer for a shitty teenage death metal band, and one time in bed he did the horrible death metal voice to talk dirty to me; I shrieked with such horrified, revolted, astonished dismay that he unfortunately thought I was having some kind of event horizon orgasm, and proceeded to do that Every Single Time we had sex, until about a week later when I just started openly dating someone else because explaining the situation was just too fucking awkward to contemplate.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:48 PM on March 11, 2020 [105 favorites]


When you get older, almost nothing is embarrassing to think of. Looking back, I wish more men had appreciated my sense of humor though. Fun is sexy.
The only thing I can think of as really really shameful is this: when I lived in the US, I never figured out the dating thing. It's just so different from what I was used to in Europe. So one day I was so frustrated with the no sex situation that I decided to just go out and find someone to hook up with. I decided that a bookstore or library would be the best place, because at least then that person would probably be literate. In a way, all went well at first. I met someone, a European gigolo on his day off. There were cocktails and sex, although it was bad, which is something that happens for the best of people. He was also a shitty person, which I should have known (but hey, so was I in that situation. Not blaming anyone here). But I'd made a rookie mistake and given him my real phone number, and in the middle of the night, I decided to sneak off after retrieving the slip of paper with my number from his jeans that were lying on the floor. That went really badly - he woke up and thought I was robbing him.
I got out without the police being involved, but mysteriously, the guy phoned me several times (why???). This was before cell-phones, so sometimes my roomie would answer, and I had to admit the whole embarrassing story to her. I wish that never happened.
posted by mumimor at 4:51 PM on March 11, 2020 [24 favorites]


i forget who it was here who once told the horrifying tale of a woman he very briefly dated who would instantly poop upon climax without any prior warning but god. what the fuck. what the fUCK.
posted by poffin boffin at 4:56 PM on March 11, 2020 [11 favorites]


I lost my virginity to the sounds of a Jerry Seinfeld standup special, not sure if I should be proud or ashamed at how much I laughed.
posted by Twinge at 4:57 PM on March 11, 2020 [7 favorites]


sometime in the 90s a woman called into loveline and describing how she and her SO were making salsa, started fooling around and the connection between her mouth and his penis did not end well
posted by brujita at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2020 [4 favorites]


My xwife used to DETEST when I'd giggle during sex. Which is understandable, but I'm happy, I'm having fun, its ok to giggle!

However, this one time I feel a completely weird sensation... I freeze up and then start dying with laughter. Shes looking bewildered then increasingly murderous, and I'm trying to convey, through bursts of laughter, that she will understand when I can explain, and she's going to laugh too...

Turns out, her kitten had run up and headbutted my taint, made a sad and confused little merf noise, and dashed off
posted by Jacen at 5:16 PM on March 11, 2020 [84 favorites]


Oh, and I guess it’s been long enough since I first posted it that some of you may not have read about this encounter.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 5:18 PM on March 11, 2020 [19 favorites]


one time a friend of mine was entertaining a gentlewoman caller on my couch and, mid-thrust, shrieked like a tiny child hurled into a wood chipper, followed by an enormous crash and a lot of furious barking. me and my boyfriend, and my roommate and her friend, all came bolting out of our rooms on high alert for whatever fiend was apparently murdering him, but it turned out that my dog had inquisitively stuck his icy cold wet nose directly upon my friend's taint at a highly sensitive moment, causing the upset of the coffee table, the loss of a takeout chip butty, and much enjoyable (for the dog) mayhem.
posted by poffin boffin at 5:26 PM on March 11, 2020 [43 favorites]


Oh God! I don't tend to unironically use the term "feels", because I guess I prefer to be more specific or, let's be honest, more verbose. This exxxcellent FPP is proper giving me All Of The Feels in its variations of memorable, identifiable, please-let-me-forgettable and pretty much all laugh-out-loud anecdotes. Great post, great curation and great comments too. Flagged as fantastic!
posted by I'm always feeling, Blue at 5:54 PM on March 11, 2020 [5 favorites]


Back in my day (like, the 80s) women mostly didn’t shave down below. If you were having a baby the nurse would shave you; or sometimes a woman might go bare as a special treat for her partner, which is how I ended up with my snatch shaved bald on a random Saturday afternoon. My man and I had our fun, then were just settling in to watch a movie when I coughed, and felt a sharp pain in my side.

I attempted to ignore it but within a couple of hours the pain had gotten so intense I was doubled over so he took me to the ER. I was lying on the gurney in nothing but my hospital gown when a nurse came in. A kidney stone was suspected, so she needed to take a look at my lady bits. She pulled up my gown and there was my freshly-shaved snooter looking back at her, then she looked back up at me, and the look on her face was priceless. You could see her thought process playing out: “why is she… did she just have a… OH.” I would have died of shame if I had any.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:57 PM on March 11, 2020 [20 favorites]


Oh, and I guess it’s been long enough since I first posted it that some of you may not have read about this encounter.

This best part of going to back to read this was not just my having forgotten all about it and thus enjoying the story afresh, but then seeing at very utmost end "[Flagged]" (as fantastic).
posted by exogenous at 6:11 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


also not specifically a sex-having story but when i got my punctal plugs at the eye doctor, they kept falling out after a couple of days, and she finally replaced them with plugs 2 sizes up while explaining "we might have to size up again later, sometimes the holes just stretch out after a while." and i, the fool, the imbecile, my whole face lit up with sudden understanding, said "oh! like,...uh" and then stopped myself mere milliseconds before excitedly announcing "LIKE PORN BUTTS!" but my eye doctor knew. she knew. our eyes met awkwardly and there was recognition. understanding. a tacit agreement to never speak of it again.

this is what punctal plugs look like in case you were wondering
posted by poffin boffin at 6:22 PM on March 11, 2020 [30 favorites]


In the middle of everything I once rolled over onto a bee which stung me and I leaped up screaming.
posted by Jode at 6:40 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


I lost my virginity to a Nickleback album.


Once, while having The Loud Sex (tm) with my wife, we had the cops called for a possible domestic disturbance. The cops arrived while my wife was still in the shower and needed to talk to her.
posted by Twain Device at 7:02 PM on March 11, 2020 [7 favorites]


/whacks poffin boffin on the upper arm

/whispers

good game
posted by mwhybark at 7:18 PM on March 11, 2020 [8 favorites]


*sigh* All these years with Funny and Sex falling into two discrete categories. Oh well. Thanks for the stories, everyone.
posted by kozad at 7:19 PM on March 11, 2020 [4 favorites]


Count your blessings; all I've got these days is Funny.
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:31 PM on March 11, 2020 [21 favorites]


This is a makeout story, not a sex story, but the guy would not stop sucking my nose. Like, his whole mouth covering my nose. I would pull away and he'd go for it again. It was bizarre.
posted by Anonymous at 7:34 PM on March 11, 2020


I have a very detailed story I could share, but I've not seen anything in this thread thus far that would lead me to feel it appropriate to share here. So I'll tuck it back in my pocket and maybe another thread will have similar such potential, fully realized, in the future.
posted by hippybear at 7:51 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


protip: open this twitter thread in an incognito / private window so fucking @jack doesn't shove an online acquaintance's unfunny and unsexy and frankly kinda bitter sex tweet to the top of the thread.

the less youuuu knowwww...
posted by Sauce Trough at 7:51 PM on March 11, 2020 [6 favorites]


Metafilter: give me all your pretty things
posted by benzenedream at 8:00 PM on March 11, 2020 [18 favorites]


"A guy I had a one night stand with thought that blowing hard into my mouth was sexy. All it did was hurt my ears and make my eyes water. He also kept licking my front two teeth"

"I'm not a CPR dummy. Also, you sweep the airway with your finger, dumbass."
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 8:16 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


First time I kissed someone, I said "let's do that again!" in the Eddie Murphy Donkey voice from Shrek. *dies*
posted by neon909 at 8:39 PM on March 11, 2020 [18 favorites]


I lost my virginity to a Nickleback album.

UUUUUUGGGGHH!!!

Winner.
posted by sexyrobot at 8:39 PM on March 11, 2020 [6 favorites]


Here's another: My husband was sitting on the couch and I was kneeling in front of him, both of us naked, me giving him oral. He reached down and put a hand on each side of my head and gently tilted my face up to look me in the eyes with this super intensity. “Stand up,” he said. I stood, thinking he was going to bend me over the couch or lead me to the bedroom or some such.

As soon as I was out of the way he jumped up with a cry of horror and a full body shudder, while frantically brushing and slapping at the front of his body, much to my confusion. Turns out that while I was blowing him he had looked down and seen a rather large hairy spider sitting on his thigh, right beside my head. He said he was afraid if he said anything before carefully getting my head out of his lap, I might have freaked out and injured his precious in my haste to jerk my head away. That's probably the only reason he didn't just kick me off him, as he was terrified of spiders. I guess it was lucky for me that his "getting penis bitten off" fear ranked just a bit higher.

He liked to tell the story at parties, and it became known as "The Blowjob Spider."
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:45 PM on March 11, 2020 [57 favorites]


"All these years with Funny and Sex falling into two discrete categories. Oh well."

It's business
It's business time
I know what you're trying to say
You're trying to say it's time for business
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 9:02 PM on March 11, 2020 [20 favorites]


The first time I had sex (by my definition at that time anyway), we did it in the forest because that was the only place in our town with readily available privacy for teenagers. Unfortunately the place we chose was right in the middle of a patch of poison ivy. This was how I learned I’m not very allergic to poison ivy - the other party ended up with a painful, itchy full-body rash and had to take steroids.
posted by centrifugal at 9:16 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


Metafilter: give me all your pretty things

Okay, if you insist.
posted by gtrwolf at 9:17 PM on March 11, 2020 [3 favorites]


With every comment I read I keep losing more and more air to extreme laughter
posted by Kitchen Witch at 9:58 PM on March 11, 2020 [3 favorites]


the powerade guy is my new fetish
posted by PinkMoose at 10:37 PM on March 11, 2020 [9 favorites]


I was in a high rise hotel in dense holiday zone with curtains open to enjoy twinkling lights outside when my fwb slapped my arse and each slap first turned the light on and then made it brighter so we were in full view of all our holidaying neighbours. Not for long though, the double bed turned out to be 2 singles pushed together, and they split apart, dropping us to the floor. You'll be pleased to know that neither stopped us, and we were both satisfied.
posted by b33j at 10:55 PM on March 11, 2020 [17 favorites]


Not long after this story broke my wife and got down to it. As soon as proceedings had adjourned my wife whispered "G'Day Mate" in my ear. Such a power move.
posted by the duck by the oboe at 11:39 PM on March 11, 2020 [16 favorites]


Many options in a handy flowchart: Thanks... For that.
posted by anthill at 12:11 AM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


The long piss story is probably the hardest I've laughed so far this year, so thank you for that
posted by Merus at 12:53 AM on March 12, 2020 [2 favorites]


I was sitting on the sofa in a darkened living room with my boyfriend kneeling on the floor going down on me. At some point I opened my eyes only to see his roommate standing right behind him making devil horns on top of my boyfriend's head. Roommate then raised a finger to his lips, gave me a wink and a thumbs up and tiptoed out.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 12:54 AM on March 12, 2020 [24 favorites]


Metafilter: All it did was hurt my ears and make my eyes water.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:28 AM on March 12, 2020 [5 favorites]


MetaFilter: you sweep the airway with your finger, dumbass
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:33 AM on March 12, 2020 [4 favorites]


My xwife used to DETEST when I'd giggle during sex. Which is understandable, but I'm happy, I'm having fun, its ok to giggle!

It is good to laugh in the bedroom. Just don’t point.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:02 AM on March 12, 2020 [13 favorites]


Jimmy Carr once mentioned an exchange he had had with a partner. The context should be easily guessable.

He: “Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

She: “It’s not full.”
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:26 AM on March 12, 2020 [12 favorites]


Wordshore: "...and he's over the final hurdle and into the home straight but it's been a long race and he's tiring a little now and there's only three furlongs to go, but look who's coming up on the rails..." Is this close? I have no real idea here...

I'm thinking George Jones, The Race Is On.
posted by clawsoon at 5:40 AM on March 12, 2020 [5 favorites]


In the back of a cab once, en route back to my swain's apartment, we were starting to get a little handsy. I reached down towards his crotch and rubbed at the hard thing I found there for a full two minutes before he finally said, "Um.....that's my wallet."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:48 AM on March 12, 2020 [30 favorites]


There was a young lady of my acquaintance in my college years who I was taken with, because she was pretty and funny and sarcastic as hell.

Eventually decided she was taken with me, too. When we finally got together, I was having a hell of a time removing her bra until she giggled and told me it was a front-clasp. Once I got that, I undid it and... found out that she was padding it a lot. I blinked a couple of times, but didn't say anything, and then she did:

"Dating and poker have two rules in common: know how to bluff and keep things close to your chest."

For once, l'esprit de escalier was with me in the moment, and I held up her bra and said, "Well, apparently I have a pair, what do you have?"

We both started laughing, and while we didn't last very long as a couple (we turned out to just have some very incompatible personality traits to be lovers), we're still friends.
posted by mephron at 6:06 AM on March 12, 2020 [27 favorites]


Third date, take her to my place, fooling around, getting naked...I reach for a condom.

"You don't have to worry about those. I practice the rhythm method."

*blink* *blink*

I did not realize i could lose an erection so quickly.

Hopeful, but definitely not helpful, she follows up with, "I take prenatal vitamins just in case."
posted by notsnot at 6:09 AM on March 12, 2020 [26 favorites]


I lost my virginity with The Weather Channel on in the background, back in 1995 when it still mostly just showed The Weather with music accompaniment.
posted by dmd at 6:12 AM on March 12, 2020 [9 favorites]


Is this close? I have no real idea here . . . [about horsefucking, kinda -ed]

You're not fooling anybody, Wordshore.
posted by The Bellman at 6:19 AM on March 12, 2020 [8 favorites]


before he finally said, "Um.....that's my wallet."

Heavy-handed satire of late capitalism is heavy-handed.
posted by acb at 6:52 AM on March 12, 2020 [9 favorites]


the powerade guy is my new fetish

I used to have a friend who had eloped with a hot, younger Marine she'd met on the internet (this was in like 2000), and when he'd come home from a few weeks out on maneuver he'd rail her until she was spent, get up, go to the kitchen, come back with a bottle of Gatorade and hand it to her, saying, "Chug it, babe, we're going again in 20."

Marines are something else, god bless
posted by palomar at 7:47 AM on March 12, 2020 [28 favorites]


palomar: "Chug it, babe, we're going again in 20."

Do I correctly hear this in the voice of Puddy from Seinfeld?
posted by clawsoon at 7:49 AM on March 12, 2020 [13 favorites]


Indeed you do.
posted by palomar at 7:52 AM on March 12, 2020 [1 favorite]


Once back in college, my first girlfriend and I had just finished a hot and heavy session, and in a major afterglow moment, I gazed at her lovingly, breathlessly, and said:

"You're garbage."
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 8:18 AM on March 12, 2020 [6 favorites]


Many options in a handy flowchart

"Hello vicar" [Bad]
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:52 AM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


We were having post coital relaxing in bed times and I, on some bizarre impulse, reached over and jiggled my partner's breasts and said, "We fight crime." in my best grizzled detective voice. Since my partner is awesome we then made up an entire by the book/renegade cop narrative. We still joke about this.
posted by forbiddencabinet at 8:56 AM on March 12, 2020 [17 favorites]


this thread is comforting in such dire times, I LOL'd many times. personally COVID-19 anxiety seems to be increasing my sex drive, so maybe I'll have some funny stories to share soon. unless we go on lockdown... :(
posted by supermedusa at 8:57 AM on March 12, 2020 [4 favorites]


I'm going to bet we're going to see a big baby boom in... *counts* about ten months. Buckle up!
posted by sciatrix at 9:04 AM on March 12, 2020 [12 favorites]


GenCorona?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:20 AM on March 12, 2020 [7 favorites]


This is a makeout story, not a sex story, but the guy would not stop sucking my nose. Like, his whole mouth covering my nose. I would pull away and he'd go for it again. It was bizarre.

I was on the other end of that once. I was very drunk at a cast party (later in the night, I blacked out briefly) and tried to kiss this girl but ended up just fully wrapping my lips around her nose. It was very definitely an accident, though, not something I tried on purpose.
posted by tobascodagama at 11:01 AM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


GenCorona?

Somewhere in the American hinterlands, a young couple is agreeing that Kovid is a good, strong name.
posted by jquinby at 1:40 PM on March 12, 2020 [25 favorites]


When I was in high school my senior year I had a huge crush on this gorgeous guy named Jeff who played on the water polo team and got into trouble one time because he refused to stand during the national anthem at a meet. Naturally, that made my budding leftist heart go pitter patter. But he was dating an older woman, a woman already at college, so all I could do was crush on him from a far. Well, from three rows over because we shared one class. Fast forward to Christmas break during my first year of college. I’d been running errands in my dad’s hideous shitty station wagon and was trying to parallel park when I noticed that the guy I had a crush on was leaning on the fence in front of my mom’s apartment. Apparently he liked me too because there he was.

Kissing on the living room sofa while my mom was snoring not so softly in her room around the corner worked for a while, until she started waking up in the middle of the night. So one day we packed a picnic and went off to a park that was fairly rustic for the area and found a deserted area where this guy introduced me to cunnilingus, which I’m thrilled that Siri knows how to spell. Only I’ve never had this experience before and I start making fart noises and freak out. My worldly crush explains to me that I am not farting, and it’s normal. Then he goes back to doing his thing which, as it turns out, is not my thing. (Being gently fingered and various flavors of kink turn out to be my thing, attention all ethically non-monogamous and/or single MeFites of any or non-binary gender passing through Stockholm.)

I feel for people who get yelled at for giggling or laughing during sex because I think sex is often a joyous as well as an amusing experience that deserves and is enhanced by laughter. But I was not laughing nor was I enjoying myself as I gazed upon the curly head of Jeff between my thighs. It was literally a dream come true and yet, so not like my dreams. Because ... fart noises. Which were not farts, which I found even more confusing. For all I know, he was simply being polite and that’s not a normal thing that happens because I’ve had cunnilingus exactly 2 times, which was about 1 1/2 times more than I wanted. Someone I know, who happens to be male, claims that he has never had bad sex in his life. Would that I could say the same. Anyway, I could not laugh about it at the time but I would be able to laugh about it now. God knows I laughed hard over the long pee story. I think the man in question pissed past the GGG point after the first 2 deciliters, however, and really should have excused himself to go to the bathroom after that.
posted by Bella Donna at 2:14 PM on March 12, 2020 [11 favorites]


Pokemon Go. Just sayin'.
posted by sjswitzer at 2:28 PM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


"Do you want to get out of here?" I only used a pickup line once, and it worked. We ended up back at her place, on her sofa. It was only after the clothes had come off and we were going at it that I realized by "her place," she had meant, "my mom's place, where I'm staying." How did I know it was her mom's place? Well, because the woman I would later come to know as her mom, hearing the commotion in the living room, opened her bedroom door and padded out stark naked into the living room to see what was going on.
posted by emelenjr at 3:00 PM on March 12, 2020 [10 favorites]


I'm going to bet we're going to see a big baby boom in... *counts* about ten months. Buckle up!

I suspect they'll be a bump in divorces too.
posted by COD at 5:18 PM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


I think I've seen a movie about that, emelnjr. Don't ask me where.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:27 PM on March 12, 2020 [3 favorites]


A few more from the twitter thread...

@eklogit: "Doing it with a guy who didn’t pay for Spotify so all of a sudden the commercial came on with some dude yelling “YOU’RE A BEAST! YOU’RE A MACHINE!” Guy I was with did not appreciate me quoting that whenever we got together after that. Not that I could stop myself."

@SharomiAmir: "A girl queefed and I looked at her vagina and said, "bless you""

@XoAprilRose: "Boyfriend & I were doing doggy... I wasn’t in the mood so I neighed at him like a horse. Sex session was over after that... still together 5 years later"

@iammine843: Dislocated my shoulder... she was a nurse and popped it back in."

@salesmanofham: "My first blowjob, he came in my mouth and I was fully prepared to swallow. Then he goes “doesn’t it taste like babies?”"

@seedsinthewaste: "I feel like me backing up into a man's face for oral but literally going "BEEP BEEP" like a reversing truck has finally found its place as a story I can tell."

@KylePlantEmoji: "One time I got drunk with the girl I was dating at the time and she said 'hurt me' and instead of like, slapping or spanking her I just pinched her really hard."

@josie_gibsons: "This same guy after sex once said “that’ll do donkey... that’ll do” and he’s Scottish so he didn’t even have to put on an accent."

EricVBailey: "Eh, screw it - kids are in bed, we're in the living room and all I'll say is we set off a kid's toy, but it's a music thing, and it said in a cutesy singsong voice "Bang the drum (bang the drum) bang the drum!" then a second later "Harder!!" and we died laughing, r.i.p us."

@hiitsmecarlie: "The time I said my own name on accident right as we both climaxed."

@CarolMaps: "17 years old, sex with the bf in his mates bed. Lost the condom, panicked but I had to leave for the last bus home. Got home, sat in the living room with my parents, watching tele. Took my boots off and crossed my legs and the condom was dangling from my sock."

@WillardFoxton: "After 3 dates went back to lovely accountant’s house. We got in bed, she insisted I do her doggy style while she watched the BBC pride and prejudice. In the morning I went to get breakfast and her teenage daughter in the kitchen says “she must like you, I heard episode 6 playing”"

@burgundypedals: "Once when me and this guy we’re about to do the do, he stopped and paced around the room. I asked him if he was good, he deadass stopped, held me face to face to stare straight at me, said “you look like my friend’s ex girlfriend who I accidentally slept with before she died”."

@RydersMommy1222: "One time me and my bf were banging and his dad walked in. He continued to causally have a convo with him while we were both laying there naked under the blankets. Finished his convo and left. Never even acted like he knew what was going on... so well that idk if he did or not."

@dgellis0907: "Called someone completely the wrong name in the moment. Killed the mood. Saw them 2 weeks later in the street. I said "hello" and called them the same wrong name. We never spoke again."

@kayleighgibby: "When I was 16 I lived at home, me and my boyfriend used to have sex on the floor so the bed wouldn't make noise. He finishes on my face and little did we know my mum opened the door as I had a fresh load all over my face."

@Burning_Airline: "In a boutique hotel, got my gf undressed and kissed her everywhere. then stood up on the bed to pull off my briefs, and that’s when it hit me. The ceiling fan blade, in the back of my head. I fell. Luckily just a bump the size of a walnut. After some shock, lots of laughter."

@MumbrianSpinner: "Was being shagged vigorously and my head got wedged under the headboard. Thought I'd styled it out. Not only had to face his parents the next day, having been rather vocal, but had his mate say next week "Is it true you got your head stuck under the headboard??""

@Valeriagmorey: "His mom walked in on me sitting on his face. She just walked out of the room and he tried to CONTINUE like nothing happened. I-"

@MistressSassy42: "So my boyfriend has a gap between his two front teeth and TWICE now when he has been going down on me he sucked my clit INTO THE GAP and omg it hurts SO much! The first time it happened I clapped his head with my thighs because I didn't know it had happened and that he was trying to extract my clit from his teeth like a stubborn piece of broccoli."

@michaelperren1: "While making out in my bedroom with the girl who took my cherry, she whispered that she was getting very wet, I looked up at the ceiling to see where the leak was coming from."

@StripperFurby: "Once we came at the same time and I said “cumming at the same time? In this economy??” That was the last time we hooked up ever byeee."
posted by Wordshore at 1:55 AM on March 13, 2020 [9 favorites]


he was trying to extract my clit from his teeth like a stubborn piece of broccoli

Ouch.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:56 AM on March 13, 2020 [4 favorites]


Yeah, that's extremely wince-worthy.
posted by tobascodagama at 5:19 AM on March 13, 2020 [1 favorite]


A few more from the twitter thread...
Thanks. I am very twitter-averse, and these are great fun
posted by mumimor at 7:15 AM on March 13, 2020 [5 favorites]


Is it wrong that some of these are giving me ideas?

Beeep! Beeep!
posted by Ivan Fyodorovich at 7:46 AM on March 13, 2020 [7 favorites]


IN THIS ECONOMY??
posted by RustyBrooks at 8:00 AM on March 13, 2020 [6 favorites]


FRESHLY-SHAVED SNOOTER.

I just can't even. That is the best thing ever. Thank you for embroadening my mind with that phrase!
posted by the matching mole at 9:10 AM on March 13, 2020 [1 favorite]


Phimosis can often be fixed by gentle stretching of the foreskin. This takes some time.

You can also fix it by having very vigorous sex. This takes very little time.

I do not recommend this method.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:46 AM on March 13, 2020 [4 favorites]


The first time an ex and I slept together we were super hammered and apparently at one point I drew back and said accusingly, "You didn't file your taxes!!!!!!! which is now one of my favorite pillow talk go-tos
posted by erattacorrige at 1:43 PM on March 13, 2020 [9 favorites]


Thank you for embroadening my mind with that phrase!

Also, I will point out, user name!
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:43 PM on March 13, 2020 [3 favorites]


The tweet in the original thread that gave me the giggles when I saw it earlier this week was:

@arabella_patten: One of the first times I had sex the guy asked me to arch my back and I did it the wrong direction 😭 I still have flashbacks
;
followed by people posting gifs of cats getting scared.

About a year ago, during my Tinder gallivanting days, a suitor and I were having post-coital naked chatting in his bed, when I rolled over and felt something weird on my leg. I flung off the blanket and saw multiple bands of gum, attached at my upper thigh and calf, extend as I straightened my leg. I immediately yelled and started laughing uncontrollably. It was on both of my legs (stopping just shy of the genital area, thank God) all over his sheets, and I couldn't move, because the more I did the more it got everywhere. We had shared a piece of gum on the way to his place; I threw mine out ahead of time, so it definitely wasn't mine. He didn't believe me, saying that he put his on the nightstand before going down on me, but couldn't find it (yeah, it's currently all over my legs, hahahh).

The worst part about it is that he got up, put clothes on, and then helped to scrub me down with a damp washcloth while I was immobilized and helpless in a weird half on my stomach, half on my side position, very naked and laughing very hard. This was also in full daylight, which just added to the ridiculousness somehow. We finally got enough off where I could put clothes on, and I left, and never saw him again. (I had actually planned to, he was very cute and fun, but I ended up meeting my now-boyfriend a few days later and fell in love, so ended it with everyone else I was seeing )

I feel like I'm late to the party here, but it's better to come late than not at all, no?
posted by Sparky Buttons at 6:13 AM on March 14, 2020 [6 favorites]


I lost my virginity to a Nickleback album.

UUUUUUGGGGHH!!!

Winner.


ahem. I lost my virginity to Comic Sans.

They were sweet and goofy and gentle, not like Papyrus, who is still trying to recruit me into their crystal lube distribution network.

you gotta keep using it until your junk is broken in and the right calluses are built up
posted by Sauce Trough at 1:12 PM on March 14, 2020 [2 favorites]


I hope to never see the phrases "junk", "broken in", and "calluses" used together again for the rest of my life.
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:30 PM on March 14, 2020 [3 favorites]


He liked to tell the story at parties, and it became known as "The Blowjob Spider."

When my wife and I were dating we had an intense experience one summer night when, after we'd had a thoroughly good time and rolled back on the bed in the altogether to enjoy the afterglow, we noticed an enormous house centipede crawling around on the ceiling directly above us. With the silent grim determination of a bomb extraction squad we carefully moved out from underneath its drop zone, gathered a plastic cup and a 3x5 card, stood up on the bed, and with one person holding the cup and the other wielding the card, managed to catch the gigantic multi-legged beast and hurl it out the second story window.

Then we looked at each other, shrieked, and fled to the shower.
posted by Spatch at 1:34 PM on March 14, 2020 [6 favorites]


First time I ever had sex with my eventual husband, we were staying with his sister, brother-in-law and their infant son. We were put in the baby’s room for the night. Thought everyone was sound asleep so made a good go of it for an hour or so, and some considerable amount of stupid sex chatter after.
The next morning my to-be-husband and sister were giggling in the kitchen when I came in. I was all ‘what’s so funny?’ So they showed me the baby monitor his sister was holding which had been in our room, blaring everything from the previous night into their room. Mortified.
posted by honey-barbara at 7:04 AM on March 17, 2020 [8 favorites]


Not during sex but next morning: In college I lived in a bedroom that my dad built in the back half of the detatched garage. Unpermitted but well built (he was a contruction worker and electrician).

One day whe I was 21, a FWB gave me a ride home after Rocky Horror and stayed the night, which was a semi-regular occurance but was not supposed to happen without introductions to the parents ahead of time. Next morning we were talking sleepily about how to sneak him out when I hear my mom talking to the dogs as she came to my door, and I quickly pulled the blanket over him. I had dozens of pilllows so my bed was really lumpy anyway and I thought it would be fine . She usually never came out, would just yell from the ktichen window so it was weird. She sat at my desk and talked about making pancakes (usually only happened on birthdays etc) and just kept up a bunch of out of character chatter for a while before I could lure her back to the house by claiming I needed to get to the bathroom.

I managed to get back out to my room about ten minutes later. Dude was sititng on the bed dressed but not sure how to get out without a fuss, and looked really freaked. I said I'm sorry, I can't believe that happened.

The he told me his feet were uncovered the whole time she was there.

Nearly 30 years later mom and I have never ever mentioned this to each other. I still have no idea if she knew he was there, if she was trying to verify a suspicion, or just trying to find a not awkward way to offer breakfast to my guest.
posted by buildmyworld at 10:16 AM on March 19, 2020 [11 favorites]


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