Repeat after me
March 18, 2020 10:02 AM Subscribe
Life is trying. Every time you have something figured out, some other thing seems to fall apart. Even the best days are threatened with countless frustrations and irritations, while on bad ones we’re faced with disasters. And troubles have a clever way of coming in an array of new sizes and shapes, which means we can’t ever really master existence. The best you can ever do is deal. […]
I have to trick myself into gaining perspective: A quick way to do this is by choosing a soothing mantra. Basically, I repeat a phrase until my feelings are less overwhelming and I can think straight without experiencing too much frustration. I’ve got mantras for mornings when I don’t want to begin my morning and mantras for nights when my mind won’t let me sleep. But I recently found a particularly good phrase that works for pretty much any day and whatever comes my way: “Right now it’s like this.”
I have to trick myself into gaining perspective: A quick way to do this is by choosing a soothing mantra. Basically, I repeat a phrase until my feelings are less overwhelming and I can think straight without experiencing too much frustration. I’ve got mantras for mornings when I don’t want to begin my morning and mantras for nights when my mind won’t let me sleep. But I recently found a particularly good phrase that works for pretty much any day and whatever comes my way: “Right now it’s like this.”
Mod note: One deleted. Different people want different things in dealing with anxiety. If you don't want reassurance/acceptance (but instead find hostility/sarcasm/fatalism/etc works better for you), that's ok but please leave this thread for the people who do want the gentle/positive/etc.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:34 AM on March 18, 2020 [15 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 10:34 AM on March 18, 2020 [15 favorites]
Years ago in the 80s, I got a good thing out of the recording of a (Ram Dass? Wayne Dyer?) lecture (the rest of it, not so much...) that struck me as an insight then and has stayed with me ever since. He was using the example of being stuck in a traffic jam and getting more and more frustrated and angry, and talked about how all that perturbation was useless - it didn't make the traffic jam get resolved any quicker. The takeaway phrase that stuck with me was "The traffic jam will continue to be a traffic jam until it no longer is." Which may seem obvious in retrospect, but as someone who did in fact get very frustrated during traffic jams it was a big realization. All my perturbation did was make me feel worse, without changing the external circumstances one whit, so what's the point?
From then on I started working to bide my time in a more relaxed way when I was in frustrating situations (not just traffic jams!) that I had no direct influence on, and try to accept it rather than get worked up about it to no real purpose. It's still a lesson in progress and I do better sometimes moreso than others, but I feel like my overall equanimity and groundedness has increased.
Another phrase I like to use is "It is what it is", which I guess is similar to the one in the OP.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2020 [11 favorites]
From then on I started working to bide my time in a more relaxed way when I was in frustrating situations (not just traffic jams!) that I had no direct influence on, and try to accept it rather than get worked up about it to no real purpose. It's still a lesson in progress and I do better sometimes moreso than others, but I feel like my overall equanimity and groundedness has increased.
Another phrase I like to use is "It is what it is", which I guess is similar to the one in the OP.
posted by Greg_Ace at 11:09 AM on March 18, 2020 [11 favorites]
Thanks OP for posting, I really needed this now. I'm going to select my favorite colorful sheet of paper, carefully inscribe, and tape it over all the cluttered notes above my desk.
posted by winesong at 11:43 AM on March 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by winesong at 11:43 AM on March 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
Thank you so much for posting this. This week has been hard for me. I was let go from my firm and I'm trying to quit nicotine as it's either that or food till I find another job in this pandemic. I have anxiety attacks as soon as I wake up and this may just be the right thing.
posted by Lucubrator at 12:11 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by Lucubrator at 12:11 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
Aargh, just noticed I used "perturbation" twice! Oh well, it is what it is...
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:14 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:14 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
"It is what it is" is our mantra at work.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:27 PM on March 18, 2020
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:27 PM on March 18, 2020
My favorite mantra for when I'm at the end of my rope is "improve, appreciate, connect, protect". I got this from author Steven Stosny, who has written some of the best emotion-coaching books I've ever read.
The idea is that doing something, anything, in one of those categories, shores you up. It can be very tiny and does not need to be related to whatever is upsetting you. Improve anything--put on socks if your feet are cold, practice your guitar, wash a dish or two. Appreciate anything--a sunny day, your friend's sense of humor, your favorite color. Likewise with connecting with people, and protecting a person, place, or thing. Maybe pick a worm off the sidewalk and put it in the grass, you know? Actions in any of those categories demonstrate your own value to yourself and help ground you when everything is too much.
posted by Sublimity at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2020 [14 favorites]
The idea is that doing something, anything, in one of those categories, shores you up. It can be very tiny and does not need to be related to whatever is upsetting you. Improve anything--put on socks if your feet are cold, practice your guitar, wash a dish or two. Appreciate anything--a sunny day, your friend's sense of humor, your favorite color. Likewise with connecting with people, and protecting a person, place, or thing. Maybe pick a worm off the sidewalk and put it in the grass, you know? Actions in any of those categories demonstrate your own value to yourself and help ground you when everything is too much.
posted by Sublimity at 2:35 PM on March 18, 2020 [14 favorites]
"This is something that happens," in case you're not in the mood to watch Magnolia.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:58 PM on March 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 2:58 PM on March 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yes -- I find this one particularly helpful because it's so hard to believe that it's like this, but it really is.
It just is.
Thanks.
posted by allthinky at 5:28 PM on March 18, 2020
It just is.
Thanks.
posted by allthinky at 5:28 PM on March 18, 2020
BE HERE NOW
Where I used to live there was a bar by that name, but everyone referred to it as "Pee Beer Now".
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:36 PM on March 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
Where I used to live there was a bar by that name, but everyone referred to it as "Pee Beer Now".
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:36 PM on March 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
That's a great practice, Sublimity, thanks.
Re. "It is what it is": to me, that sounds like the current situation is immutable, whereas "Right now, it's like this" implies that things can change in time. Lots of people seem to prefer the former, though, so I guess whatever works is what works.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:59 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
Re. "It is what it is": to me, that sounds like the current situation is immutable, whereas "Right now, it's like this" implies that things can change in time. Lots of people seem to prefer the former, though, so I guess whatever works is what works.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:59 PM on March 18, 2020 [4 favorites]
So, I'm probably somewhere mildly along the spectrum, or else my many years of music education has programmed me this way, but I do find myself repeating a string of numbers I read to myself or a tiny phrase, not because it's meaningful to do so, but because it seems to distract me from the other bits of my mind that want to intrude. It's the same as doing piano practice where you repeat a section of a piece over and over, or even knitting or other hand craft work that is repetitive.
Doing it as the only thing you're doing, instead of doing it while you're doing something else, just sitting and repeating... that is not something I've done often. The few times I've done it I've found it vaguely hypnotic, but I haven't found it very fulfilling generally. I probably wasn't doing it right.
I do, however, read a product number in my warehouse and then end up chanting it internally to myself for maybe 20-30 minutes afterward sometimes. Very weird mental habit.
posted by hippybear at 7:00 PM on March 18, 2020
Doing it as the only thing you're doing, instead of doing it while you're doing something else, just sitting and repeating... that is not something I've done often. The few times I've done it I've found it vaguely hypnotic, but I haven't found it very fulfilling generally. I probably wasn't doing it right.
I do, however, read a product number in my warehouse and then end up chanting it internally to myself for maybe 20-30 minutes afterward sometimes. Very weird mental habit.
posted by hippybear at 7:00 PM on March 18, 2020
Also, "right now, it's like this" seems to be a good phrase. I have long called finding that viewpoint "finding my zen with the situation".
Looking upthread at the traffic jam frustration and learning to let go, I found nothing helped me let go of traffic frustration more than doing long distance delivery van routes. Oh, this road is clogged up? Hey, I'm on the clock. Oh, things are getting intense on this stretch of road? I can slow down and back off and let things sort out; I'm on the clock. It's icy conditions and going over 30 makes me feel unsafe? Hey, I'm on the clock.
Once I realized how much of my frustration was simply the context of my thinking about what was going on, I let go a lot of my own annoyance while doing my own driving, off the clock.
posted by hippybear at 7:03 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
Looking upthread at the traffic jam frustration and learning to let go, I found nothing helped me let go of traffic frustration more than doing long distance delivery van routes. Oh, this road is clogged up? Hey, I'm on the clock. Oh, things are getting intense on this stretch of road? I can slow down and back off and let things sort out; I'm on the clock. It's icy conditions and going over 30 makes me feel unsafe? Hey, I'm on the clock.
Once I realized how much of my frustration was simply the context of my thinking about what was going on, I let go a lot of my own annoyance while doing my own driving, off the clock.
posted by hippybear at 7:03 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
This is a positive response to the piece, but I can't tell if my words seem that way.
I am/have been extremely gullible in the past, so I became sceptical about mantras (for easily imagined reasons) but this reminds me of evidence-based CBD and ACT and mindfulness in assisting with anxiety. It is a sort of grounding (again this word reminds me of magical thinking - I feel quite in-eloquent today) but to remind myself, that despite my fears and uncertainty, right now, there is nothing I need to do or even can do to change the circumstances I fear... anyway, I like this phrase.
(At home with 3-month long atypical pneumonia, and no sick leave - it could be so much worse - but right now, it's like this).
posted by b33j at 8:23 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
I am/have been extremely gullible in the past, so I became sceptical about mantras (for easily imagined reasons) but this reminds me of evidence-based CBD and ACT and mindfulness in assisting with anxiety. It is a sort of grounding (again this word reminds me of magical thinking - I feel quite in-eloquent today) but to remind myself, that despite my fears and uncertainty, right now, there is nothing I need to do or even can do to change the circumstances I fear... anyway, I like this phrase.
(At home with 3-month long atypical pneumonia, and no sick leave - it could be so much worse - but right now, it's like this).
posted by b33j at 8:23 PM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
I really like this phrase, and the science behind the neurological value of a mantra is very interesting.
Recently I watched the movie "Bridge of Spies", where Tom Hanks is a lawyer defending a Russian man accused of espionage against the U.S. Tom Hanks notes that the man doesn't seem very nervous about the whole ordeal. "Would it help?", his client asks casually. That really stuck with me as a good thing to ask-- would my worry/anxiety/concern help the situation? If not, it may be emotional energy that could be re-directed. If it would, what actions can I take in order to help? I got it inscribed on a bracelet right before everything went nuts in the last couple weeks, and it's been a nice reminder to have lately.
posted by thoughtful_ravioli at 10:11 AM on March 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
Recently I watched the movie "Bridge of Spies", where Tom Hanks is a lawyer defending a Russian man accused of espionage against the U.S. Tom Hanks notes that the man doesn't seem very nervous about the whole ordeal. "Would it help?", his client asks casually. That really stuck with me as a good thing to ask-- would my worry/anxiety/concern help the situation? If not, it may be emotional energy that could be re-directed. If it would, what actions can I take in order to help? I got it inscribed on a bracelet right before everything went nuts in the last couple weeks, and it's been a nice reminder to have lately.
posted by thoughtful_ravioli at 10:11 AM on March 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
I needed this, thank you very much for sharing. The podcast was also great, Lexica.
posted by smoke at 8:38 PM on March 19, 2020
posted by smoke at 8:38 PM on March 19, 2020
I have an “it is what it is” bracelet too!
My therapist says she generally finds the phrase unhelpful but in this situation, where my anxiety is spurred by actual anxiety-producing events, she said it can be useful.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy there is something called Wise Mind, which is the place where the emotional mind overlaps with the rational mind. Here’s a diagram of how it works. Here’s an explanation of Distress Tolerance, another DBT skill.
I have a DBT workbook that might be helpful for everyone in my family right now.
posted by Biblio at 7:53 AM on March 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
My therapist says she generally finds the phrase unhelpful but in this situation, where my anxiety is spurred by actual anxiety-producing events, she said it can be useful.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy there is something called Wise Mind, which is the place where the emotional mind overlaps with the rational mind. Here’s a diagram of how it works. Here’s an explanation of Distress Tolerance, another DBT skill.
I have a DBT workbook that might be helpful for everyone in my family right now.
posted by Biblio at 7:53 AM on March 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
I liked this mantra so much I shared it with Mr. eirias and we have been saying it to each other when we seem stressed. Thanks.
posted by eirias at 6:03 AM on March 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by eirias at 6:03 AM on March 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Lexica at 10:29 AM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]