Here's How Time Works Now
May 13, 2020 12:09 PM Subscribe
Here at Time, we’ve made a few changes you may already be experiencing that we think you should know about. (SLMcSweeney's)
People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it’s more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:12 PM on May 13, 2020 [20 favorites]
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 1:12 PM on May 13, 2020 [20 favorites]
A day is now over the moment you first ask yourself, “What time is it?”
yesyesyesyesyes!!!
posted by Thorzdad at 1:19 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
yesyesyesyesyes!!!
posted by Thorzdad at 1:19 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
And of course, the Person of the Year is ... me.
Just me.
All alone.
Yes, I know it's a mirror.
posted by chavenet at 1:24 PM on May 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
Just me.
All alone.
Yes, I know it's a mirror.
posted by chavenet at 1:24 PM on May 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
As soon as you ask or think, “What time is it” for the first time that day, even if it is still ten in the morning, it will suddenly be eight at night. Does that make sense?
Oh yes.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:32 PM on May 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
Oh yes.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 1:32 PM on May 13, 2020 [5 favorites]
Glad to hear that here at Time, they’re closely monitoring the situation.
posted by migurski at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by migurski at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
Jeremy Bearimy, baby!
posted by ChuraChura at 1:41 PM on May 13, 2020 [24 favorites]
posted by ChuraChura at 1:41 PM on May 13, 2020 [24 favorites]
You may remember that a day used to take place over the course of 24 hours. We felt this was too much. A day is now over the moment you first ask yourself, “What time is it?”
It does not matter what time it actually is when you do this. As soon as you ask or think, “What time is it” for the first time that day, even if it is still ten in the morning, it will suddenly be eight at night. Does that make sense?
Sold! I shall now be asking what time it is when I wake up.
posted by Splunge at 1:53 PM on May 13, 2020
It does not matter what time it actually is when you do this. As soon as you ask or think, “What time is it” for the first time that day, even if it is still ten in the morning, it will suddenly be eight at night. Does that make sense?
Sold! I shall now be asking what time it is when I wake up.
posted by Splunge at 1:53 PM on May 13, 2020
I don't see how the people at Time are addressing the fact that just 45 days ago was in fact 20 million years ago during the age known to science as "March." [SL Twitter Joke]
posted by ob1quixote at 2:00 PM on May 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by ob1quixote at 2:00 PM on May 13, 2020 [4 favorites]
This reminds me of Navin Johnson in “The Jerk”:
“I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.”
posted by sucre at 2:19 PM on May 13, 2020 [14 favorites]
“I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.”
posted by sucre at 2:19 PM on May 13, 2020 [14 favorites]
meanwhile, I've got a Facebook friend insisting that Time doesn't exist, which has another wondering what that does to side one of Dark Side of the Moon.
posted by philip-random at 3:31 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by philip-random at 3:31 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
which has another wondering what that does to side one of Dark Side of the Moon
It makes it even heavier... somehow.
posted by Liquidwolf at 3:48 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
It makes it even heavier... somehow.
posted by Liquidwolf at 3:48 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
I recently thought that my fingernails were growing particularly quickly in lockdown and wondered why. Then I realised it has actually been two months, not three days, that I've been in lockdown and it's entirely predictable that I'd have had to trim them more than once in that time.
posted by penguin pie at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by penguin pie at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2020 [7 favorites]
Yup. In an example of parallel evolution I came up with this joke earlier today.
I said, "Yeah, I went into the office briefly Yester-monday... Yester-monday is one of the new days of the week. It goes Yester-monday, Thurnofriday, Weekenday, March."
posted by Horkus at 3:52 PM on May 13, 2020 [6 favorites]
I said, "Yeah, I went into the office briefly Yester-monday... Yester-monday is one of the new days of the week. It goes Yester-monday, Thurnofriday, Weekenday, March."
posted by Horkus at 3:52 PM on May 13, 2020 [6 favorites]
Time used to be a magazine that owned other magazines, like Fortune, Sports Illustrated and People. Now it is owned by the owners of Better Homes and Gardens, making it a Less Good Home or Garden.
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:58 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by oneswellfoop at 5:58 PM on May 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have both of those.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:59 PM on May 13, 2020
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:59 PM on May 13, 2020
The thing about The Time is that they were The Time, and then they were Morris Day & The Time and then they were The Original 7ven, and now they're back to being The Time.
They still work pretty well though. "WHAT TIME IS IT!!??"
posted by hippybear at 6:20 PM on May 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
They still work pretty well though. "WHAT TIME IS IT!!??"
posted by hippybear at 6:20 PM on May 13, 2020 [2 favorites]
My perception of time is deficient under ordinary circumstances, but since the lockdown I've been pleasantly surprised by the apparent lengthening of most measurements of time. Since I can't properly assign the necessary amount of time to tasks, it's been pretty great for hours to be a bit longer than usual (except the two hours before a paper is due, those are still about sixteen minutes long total). Sympathies though with those for whom this is an unwelcome adjustment.
posted by notquitemaryann at 6:36 PM on May 13, 2020
posted by notquitemaryann at 6:36 PM on May 13, 2020
I've decided that it's just 'Tuesday afternoon' until this is all over. Looking back later we can refer to it as 'last Tuesday.'
posted by sexyrobot at 6:43 PM on May 13, 2020 [11 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 6:43 PM on May 13, 2020 [11 favorites]
Well now I've got a Moody Blues song in my head, thanks sexyrobot
posted by emjaybee at 8:30 PM on May 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by emjaybee at 8:30 PM on May 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
It's honestly quite reassuring to read that everyone else is feeling the same kind of weird time-distortion, glad it's not just me!
posted by Mauve at 12:47 AM on May 14, 2020
posted by Mauve at 12:47 AM on May 14, 2020
Someday Brunch
posted by winesong at 8:27 AM on May 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by winesong at 8:27 AM on May 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
Lousy Smarch weather.
posted by Marticus at 3:38 PM on May 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Marticus at 3:38 PM on May 14, 2020 [1 favorite]
I have just enough commitments that I need to keep track of what day it is, but just few enough commitments that I'm constantly surprised by what day it is.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:29 AM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:29 AM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
I made it through a bit of the story at work when it hit my RSS feed but had to bail because it was depressingly accurate. I even have the benefit of not working from home, so I still have some sense of normalcy and markers for what day it is, etc.
Still.
It's all one big blur and one infinitely long moment, all at once.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 4:46 PM on May 15, 2020
Still.
It's all one big blur and one infinitely long moment, all at once.
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 4:46 PM on May 15, 2020
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posted by pazazygeek at 1:04 PM on May 13, 2020 [5 favorites]