How To Masturbate
May 15, 2020 6:17 AM Subscribe
A guide to dating your Down Under
This article contains adult themes
Female masturbation is often seen as a taboo subject. You’ve probably tucked yourself into a corner to read this article, peering over your shoulder for fear of odd looks from passers-by. To be honest, I even found myself hiding my notes for this piece when colleagues casually approached my desk to ask if I’d like a cup of tea.
Women discussing wanking is not the done thing, but that shouldn’t be the case. Despite research showing that women masturbate as frequently as men, it's still not a topic that all females openly discuss. The Swedes have even created a new term for female masturbation in an attempt to stop women from being put off talking about the topic by the usual male-associated words.
To help us shake off the persistent social stigma, we’ve created a guide to female self-pleasuring. We spoke to women about their own experiences of masturbation and got some expert tips on how to make things work for you, including from Strawberry Siren, former Miss Burlesque Australia and the creator of the Pussy Play Masterclass, a workshop on the art of playing with yourself.
The only thing to do now is read on, and plan an early night.
This article contains adult themes
Female masturbation is often seen as a taboo subject. You’ve probably tucked yourself into a corner to read this article, peering over your shoulder for fear of odd looks from passers-by. To be honest, I even found myself hiding my notes for this piece when colleagues casually approached my desk to ask if I’d like a cup of tea.
Women discussing wanking is not the done thing, but that shouldn’t be the case. Despite research showing that women masturbate as frequently as men, it's still not a topic that all females openly discuss. The Swedes have even created a new term for female masturbation in an attempt to stop women from being put off talking about the topic by the usual male-associated words.
To help us shake off the persistent social stigma, we’ve created a guide to female self-pleasuring. We spoke to women about their own experiences of masturbation and got some expert tips on how to make things work for you, including from Strawberry Siren, former Miss Burlesque Australia and the creator of the Pussy Play Masterclass, a workshop on the art of playing with yourself.
The only thing to do now is read on, and plan an early night.
Growing up (as a person with an AFAB body for whom "woman" is no longer a relevant gender identity) I remember feeling caught between the perception that everyone is born with the innate knowledge of how to masturbate camp (which seemed true for a lot of my friends at that age but was certainly not true for me) versus the "a bunch of women just don't/can't have orgasms ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" camp. It seemed like kind of an obvious mental leap to "oh, well, if it's not super obvious how it works for me then I must be in the latter camp and will make my peace with never having an orgasm".
Which...well, let's just say I'm glad I overcame that. There were plenty of times in my earlier life when I was certain I would either a) never have an orgasm or b) never have an orgasm from partnered sex and I would like to shout now from the mountaintops that I was wrong both times.
I struggle in general with the "you will just figure it out innately" kind of advice on any kind of self-knowledge to do with being a person or having a body, whether that's about masturbation or sexuality or anything else. Maybe it's a neurodivergent-person thing but there has been a lot about my body and myself and I did not just instinctively grok, I had to sit with it and work at it and read about it and figure it out.
Maybe it was also the sex-negative household (specifically the sex-is-obscene-and-unspeakable-so-let-us-never-contemplate-it flavour of sex-negativity) I grew up in as well as the neurodivergence, but I had to painstakingly put together the fact that that sensation (the one my wonderful intuitive innate body instinctively pulled away from because it felt overwhelming and also kind of a lot like needing to pee? which no one had ever mentioned in the context of sex?) was actually arousal, and if I touched the relevant bits when I was feeling that sensation then things would happen (again, things I spent a good few years pulling away from the peak of because it felt overwhelming and, surprise!, too much like needing to pee) and that was why it hadn't worked when I'd tried touching the relevant bits when I wasn't feeling that sensation (and couldn't understand why my friends so enthusiastically suggested touching the relevant bits, having known nothing of the link between the outcomes I was seeking and the need for arousal, because all that happened when I touched the relevant bits without that sensation was some discomfort and chafing). None of this was obvious to me as the holder of my own body from the get-go! All of this took me maybe ten years to completely iron out to the point where I could reliably predict my own response!
I don't know who I'm yelling this to exactly, but: go forth and masturbate! Learn about it if you need to! Don't worry if you don't just automatically know what makes your own particular sexuality (in the broadest sense) tick! Don't give up even if it feels weird a lot and makes no sense to begin with! And don't feel bad if you weren't born knowing this about yourself!
posted by terretu at 7:16 AM on May 15, 2020 [25 favorites]
Which...well, let's just say I'm glad I overcame that. There were plenty of times in my earlier life when I was certain I would either a) never have an orgasm or b) never have an orgasm from partnered sex and I would like to shout now from the mountaintops that I was wrong both times.
I struggle in general with the "you will just figure it out innately" kind of advice on any kind of self-knowledge to do with being a person or having a body, whether that's about masturbation or sexuality or anything else. Maybe it's a neurodivergent-person thing but there has been a lot about my body and myself and I did not just instinctively grok, I had to sit with it and work at it and read about it and figure it out.
Maybe it was also the sex-negative household (specifically the sex-is-obscene-and-unspeakable-so-let-us-never-contemplate-it flavour of sex-negativity) I grew up in as well as the neurodivergence, but I had to painstakingly put together the fact that that sensation (the one my wonderful intuitive innate body instinctively pulled away from because it felt overwhelming and also kind of a lot like needing to pee? which no one had ever mentioned in the context of sex?) was actually arousal, and if I touched the relevant bits when I was feeling that sensation then things would happen (again, things I spent a good few years pulling away from the peak of because it felt overwhelming and, surprise!, too much like needing to pee) and that was why it hadn't worked when I'd tried touching the relevant bits when I wasn't feeling that sensation (and couldn't understand why my friends so enthusiastically suggested touching the relevant bits, having known nothing of the link between the outcomes I was seeking and the need for arousal, because all that happened when I touched the relevant bits without that sensation was some discomfort and chafing). None of this was obvious to me as the holder of my own body from the get-go! All of this took me maybe ten years to completely iron out to the point where I could reliably predict my own response!
I don't know who I'm yelling this to exactly, but: go forth and masturbate! Learn about it if you need to! Don't worry if you don't just automatically know what makes your own particular sexuality (in the broadest sense) tick! Don't give up even if it feels weird a lot and makes no sense to begin with! And don't feel bad if you weren't born knowing this about yourself!
posted by terretu at 7:16 AM on May 15, 2020 [25 favorites]
The Misbehavin' Maidens are friends of mine! It's nice to see them show up here.
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:16 AM on May 15, 2020
posted by Faint of Butt at 7:16 AM on May 15, 2020
Does that article just end with a snail visual and “avoid touching the urethra”? Each little advice section seemed to have a bit of an annoying “don’t do this” which seemed rooted in not much evidence. Like, use what you have, your hands, to get started is good advice. But then just stating that toys can desensitize you without further context just seems defeatist and scary which, if you are a true newcomer, could turn you off entirely.
I’ve finally gotten around to reading “Come as You Are” (Emily Nagoski) and it’s pretty great. It really delves into the cultural context that our sexuality lives within and also the fairly common hang-ups and misperceptions that people have about pleasure and intimacy. I wish I had read it ten years ago and I’m trying to figure out at what age I leave it on the shelf for my daughter to find.
Obviously, learning to masterbate from a UK-based daily newspaper is going to come up short but snails? Really?
posted by amanda at 8:25 AM on May 15, 2020 [10 favorites]
I’ve finally gotten around to reading “Come as You Are” (Emily Nagoski) and it’s pretty great. It really delves into the cultural context that our sexuality lives within and also the fairly common hang-ups and misperceptions that people have about pleasure and intimacy. I wish I had read it ten years ago and I’m trying to figure out at what age I leave it on the shelf for my daughter to find.
Obviously, learning to masterbate from a UK-based daily newspaper is going to come up short but snails? Really?
posted by amanda at 8:25 AM on May 15, 2020 [10 favorites]
during this time of lockdown I have re-discovered the joys of regular wanking myself. also dug out some toys I had half forgotten about. I wish I could have sex, but my profound awe at the human body's capacity to provide such joy and pleasure gives me a big mood boost while I languish...
posted by supermedusa at 8:33 AM on May 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 8:33 AM on May 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
can anyone warn how cis the link content is?
but terretu, your experiences are Extremely relatable. the combination neurodivergent processing of stimulation / extremely repressed household / body dysphoria / vaginismus probably, at least in part, caused by those things means i'm just now discovering sex is both chill and enjoyable instead of both direly stressful and boring. it's pretty cool and satisfying just to, like, explore my body and learn fun things about it!
posted by gaybobbie at 9:48 AM on May 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
but terretu, your experiences are Extremely relatable. the combination neurodivergent processing of stimulation / extremely repressed household / body dysphoria / vaginismus probably, at least in part, caused by those things means i'm just now discovering sex is both chill and enjoyable instead of both direly stressful and boring. it's pretty cool and satisfying just to, like, explore my body and learn fun things about it!
posted by gaybobbie at 9:48 AM on May 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
Pretty cis - it's about how to operate one's clitoris/vulva/vagina and certainly assumes any such reader is female.
posted by heyforfour at 10:49 AM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by heyforfour at 10:49 AM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
This reminds me of one of the best scenes in pleasantville.
posted by leibniz at 4:59 PM on May 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by leibniz at 4:59 PM on May 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
How does being cis have anything to do with whether or not you have a vagina/clitoris/vulva?
posted by Windopaene at 5:28 PM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Windopaene at 5:28 PM on May 15, 2020 [2 favorites]
Deadmau5 - sofi needs a ladder w/ lyrics
"
posted by zengargoyle at 4:58 AM on May 16, 2020
Drop you like a needle on the record, scratch my itchI'm thinking that's "hit the bean" but I'm gonna leave with my lesbian friend telling me "OMG! the next time you have a girlfriend get her to masturbate for you. It's *so* HOT!". I don't have a vagina and the term is Jilling-off y'know Jack-and-Jill at least if you're not a Brit. I have never heard a vagina owner describe things as 'wanking'.
Watch you walk in circles hit the beat
"
posted by zengargoyle at 4:58 AM on May 16, 2020
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posted by Mogur at 6:54 AM on May 15, 2020 [1 favorite]