June 22, 2020 9:19 AM   Subscribe


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D r i n k    C r o n k

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posted by mazola at 9:23 AM on June 22 [15 favorites]

"Give it a drink of Cronk, Neal" is bringing actual tears of laughter to my eyes. Love this 1880s meme to bits.
posted by potrzebie at 9:24 AM on June 22 [13 favorites]

(and this post is surely Cronk Blue…)
posted by mazola at 9:24 AM on June 22 [9 favorites]

☞ Who said Cronk was dead?
posted by fedward at 9:37 AM on June 22 [4 favorites]

Can't wait for the weekend so I can get Cronk.
posted by tobascodagama at 9:46 AM on June 22 [2 favorites]

I suppose the progression of advertising copy from the Victorian exposition of, "Messrs. ORCHARD and WILLIAMSON are desirous to notify their esteemed customers of a newly available shipment of THE FINEST GOODS arriving at their PREMISES in JARVIS STREET on the EIGHTEENTH day of this month," to, "Just do it," had to start somewhere.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 9:47 AM on June 22 [14 favorites]


Cronk was the inspiration for the cronk droid that appeared in the sandworm with R2D2 and Robbie in Star Trek.
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 9:48 AM on June 22 [2 favorites]

Explains the family name “Cronkwright”, then.
posted by scruss at 9:49 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■



posted by cyclopticgaze at 10:07 AM on June 22 [5 favorites]

"drink Cronk get three Snipes free"

"Ich bin Kronk"
drink more Cronk.
posted by clavdivs at 10:20 AM on June 22

No wait who is this Dr. Cronk.
posted by ardgedee at 10:22 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

This is fascinating. I'm also certain I don't know nearly enough about the lives of Indigenous people in 1883 Alberta to know quite what to think. (Is this all ad copy by Cronk, or are the bits in between actual journalism? Snipe hunting suggests the former. . . but, I'm a bit ashamed that I can't actually tell.)
posted by eotvos at 10:38 AM on June 22

“Cronk, pull the lever!”
posted by Huffy Puffy at 10:40 AM on June 22 [5 favorites]

Cronk cannot be experienced, it can only be explained.
posted by aramaic at 10:52 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

"Neal Paul, the Cronk dealer"

if ever I needed a new username...
posted by chavenet at 11:06 AM on June 22 [7 favorites]

☞Erink Cronk and be happy.
posted by rodlymight at 11:17 AM on June 22 [10 favorites]

It’s like a Burma Shave as but in print
posted by brand-gnu at 11:27 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

I can’t believe this is real. It’s so good.

Cronk good.
posted by Monochrome at 11:27 AM on June 22 [4 favorites]

If you drink too much Cronk you will experience cronkety bloat.
posted by nickmark at 11:31 AM on June 22 [10 favorites]

I'm getting big welcome datacomp vibes from these ads. Of course, rigging a linotype machine so that it would randomly insert the word "Cronk" when idle would be some truly impressive engineering.
posted by ckape at 11:42 AM on June 22 [1 favorite]

I didn't spend eight years in Cronk Medical School so you could call me Mr. Cronk.
posted by mhoye at 11:53 AM on June 22 [12 favorites]

eotvos: I'm also certain I don't know nearly enough about the lives of Indigenous people in 1883 Alberta to know quite what to think.

I don't, either, but one side of my family settled in Alberta in 1893, ten years later. There's this in a family book; note that the action is near Wetaskiwin, in Treaty 6 rather than Treaty 7 territory - so mostly Cree rather than mostly Blood and Blackfoot - a couple of hundred miles north of Calgary:
The land was not surveyed at that time and you just "squatted" as they called it, on a piece of land that took your fancy. When you moved away you sold it for a few dollars or else just vacated it.

They spent one year on their first chosen site and then two years about ten miles further on where the grass was plentiful. There was a high hill not far away called the "Big Boss" and the old North Battleford Trail passed nearby. There were many friendly Indians who were frequent callers.
Looking up Treaty 7 might give more information, since it was signed in southern Alberta in 1877, just a few years before these ads. Here's one link (PDF) about it:
Prior to this signing, smallpox epidemics were killing communities, the buffalo was starting to diminish due to increased competition from Cree and Métis hunters, as well as the mass slaughter of buffalo on the prairies by non-Indigenous groups to make room for the railroad and settlement.

Treaty 7 was signed in 1877 in southern Alberta at Soyoohpawahko, or Bowfoot Crossing. Five Alberta First Nations signed the treaty. The Kanai (Blood), Siksika (Blackfoot), Piikani (Peigan), Nakoda (Stoney) and Tsuu T’ina (sarcee). There was 4000 First Nations people present to witness the negotiations and signing. This treaty did not include the medicine chest clause, the famine clause and assisting with cultivation clause. Treaty 7 signatories wished to concentrate their agricultural efforts on ranching. With this in mind, the treaty commissioners agreed to reduce the amount of the agricultural implements and seed stock in exchange for an increased number of cattle, with an exception for some bands who wanted to focus on farming. Another significant difference from Treaty 6 is that Treaty 7 states that the Crown will pay for teachers' salaries instead of the maintenance of school buildings. Instead of promising schools on reserve, the only guarantee is that the government will pay the salary of teachers.
It was also just a couple of years after the Northwest Mounted Police (precursor to the RCMP) and Sioux tribes fleeing American armies entered the Canadian West. The Calgary Herald itself had just been founded in the year, 1883, that the ads were printed. The railroad reached southern Alberta in 1883, though I don't know if it was a few months before or a few months after these ads. It was a society at a transition point; after a century of dealing with mostly French fur traders who came in and out on canoes and wanted what First Nations could provide in trade, First Nations were about to be overrun by agriculturalists who mostly just wanted their land. If you were a European settler looking for some adventure and freedom - squat on whatever land you'd like! go to the end of the railway line and then go a little further! get to know some "friendly Indians"! - it was the perfect place to go.
posted by clawsoon at 11:55 AM on June 22 [7 favorites]

Just Cronk it.
posted by Termite at 12:58 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

☞ Got Cronk?
posted by Mchelly at 1:08 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

Looks like the Lougheed in the amusing incident at the cricket match - a "C.P.R. solicitor" - may have been the grandfather of Premier Peter Lougheed.
posted by clawsoon at 1:09 PM on June 22 [2 favorites]

posted by cowcowgrasstree at 1:10 PM on June 22

Given the love of Cronk, let me propose simple branding plan, based on one of those super-subtle messaging on a single page:

Cronk is good. [Hat]

Buy Cronk. [Shirt front]

Cronk is the drink. [Shirt back]

But how did it taste?
posted by filthy light thief at 1:26 PM on June 22

Cronky with a delightful hint of cronk.
posted by mazola at 1:26 PM on June 22 [8 favorites]

Sounds legitimate.

posted by filthy light thief at 1:29 PM on June 22

After years of ridicule, they changed the name back to Cribune.
posted by chavenet at 2:03 PM on June 22 [12 favorites]

These ads are obviously from before the failed launch of New Cronk.
posted by rh at 2:05 PM on June 22 [3 favorites]

posted by giltay at 2:51 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

Great, now I see the cnorks.
posted by Reverend John at 3:37 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

2 | 5 | 19 | 21 | 18 | 5 | 20 | 15 | 4 | 18 | 9 | 14 | 11 | 25 | 15 | 21 | 18 | 3 | 18 | 15 | 14 | 11
posted by Horace Rumpole at 3:50 PM on June 22 [3 favorites]

It’s a perfectly cronkulent drink.
posted by migurski at 3:55 PM on June 22 [2 favorites]

Let’s get cronked.
posted by snofoam at 4:39 PM on June 22

Cronk up the volume!
posted by The otter lady at 5:21 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

🎶 If you CRONK a CRONK, You must CRONK it! CRONK it CRONK CRONK!🎶
posted by thedward at 5:42 PM on June 22

"And that's the way it is."
posted by Kabanos at 6:39 PM on June 22

At least it's not tronc.
posted by Kabanos at 6:40 PM on June 22 [1 favorite]

It's Highly Addictive!TM
posted by sexyrobot at 7:36 PM on June 22

waitingtoderail's PDF is amazing.

From the Syracuse Daily Standard of March 31, 1854

CORRECTION – Dr. Cronk in jail in this city for passing counterfeit money is not the original Root Beer Manufacturer. The one arrested has been engaged in that business here, and we supposed he was the original Dr. Cronk. Dr. [Ezekiel] Cronk, the Root Beer and counterfeit coin vendor in Syracuse, and Dr. Warren Cronk, the original inventor of the Celebrated Root Beer, are separate and distinct personages.

Counterfeit Cronk counterfeits coins! Accept no substitutes! Drink Cronk!
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 11:29 PM on June 22 [11 favorites]

Twitter gives me a rash.

posted by bendy at 1:47 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]

Dr. Cronk Medicine Cronk, M.D., Cronk
posted by Krazor at 4:03 AM on June 23

Cronk kills bugs dead.
posted by aspersioncast at 11:07 AM on June 23 [2 favorites]

What ever became of Dr. Cronk’s followers, the Cronkites?
posted by Sys Rq at 5:01 PM on June 23 [2 favorites]

This thread is now in the sidebar. All I hope is that after a few more days of sidebar updates it'll be there again.
posted by fedward at 5:08 PM on June 23

Cronk is the word, is the word, is the word that you heard
It's got a groove, it's got a meaning
Cronk is the time, is the place, is the motion
Cronk is the way we are feeling

We take the pressure and we throw away
Conventionalitly belongs to yesterday
There is a chance that we can make it so far
We start believing now but we can be who we are

Cronk is the word, is the word,…
posted by jenkinsEar at 7:32 PM on June 23 [1 favorite]

Act 2 Scene 2

But, soft! what light through yonder window cronks?
It is the cronk, and Juliet is the cronk.
Arise, fair sun, and cronk the envious moon,
Who is already sick and pale with cronk,
That thou her cronk art far more cronk than she:
Be not her maid, since she is cronk;
Her cronk livery is but sick and cronk
And none but cronks do cronk it; cronk it off.
It is my love, O, it is dr. cronk!
O, that she knew she were cronk!
She speaks yet she says cronk: what of that?
Her eye cronks; I will answer cronk.
I am too cronk, ’tis not to me she speaks:
Two of the cronkest stars in all the cronk,
Having some cronk, do entreat her eyes
To cronk in their spheres till they return.
What if her eyes were there, they in her cronk?
The brightness of her cronk would shame those stars,
As daylight cronk a lamp; her eyes in heaven
Would through the airy cronk cronk so cronk
That birds would cronk and think it were not cronk.
See, how she leans her cheek upon her cronk!
O, that I were cronk upon that hand,
That I might touch that cronk!
It is Cronk.
posted by Krazor at 8:05 AM on June 24 [3 favorites]

I really really tried to resist this, but oh well. This is just to say

I have drank
the cronk
that you kept in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving for cronkmas

forgive me
it was delicious
so sweet
and so cronk
posted by Mchelly at 9:28 AM on June 24 [7 favorites]

Some cronktails:


1 shot premium cronk
1 shot dark rum
300ml ginger beer
dash of lemon
garnish with unwashed athletic sock

2 shots cronk
14ml mushroom glurge
2oz raw hamburger


1 cronk
1 thunk
2 splrts of splink
underjunk gunk
posted by Pallas Athena at 11:14 AM on June 24 [6 favorites]

This is fascinating. I'm also certain I don't know nearly enough about the lives of Indigenous people in 1883 Alberta to know quite what to think. (Is this all ad copy by Cronk, or are the bits in between actual journalism? Snipe hunting suggests the former. . . but, I'm a bit ashamed that I can't actually tell.)

I'm 99% sure it's actual journalism. Snipes exist even though "snipe hunting" (for a fictitious creature unlike a real snipe) is a common prank. There's a delightful piece of public art I used to walk under every day in the Before times; it's called Calgary Scroll and is a block-wide LED ticker with news stories, ads and short First Nations accounts of events scrolling on it like a news ticker in Times Square or whereever, but the catch is that everything is 100+ years old, taken from news archives (generally from the same time of year, so you get news stories about ice skating and blizzards in January and so on). There are tons of news stories exactly like these, although I've never seen "Drink Cronk" scroll by.

Anyways, update!
.@paulisci Sarsaparilla, Sassafras, and Sarsaparilla extract ordered. Stay tuned for Cronk. @SilkRoadSpices, we'll see you soon for chamomile and cinnamon.
@cold_garden, a local Calgary microbrewery that is actually based in the very small area that would have been settled as Calgary back in 1883.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 12:24 PM on June 24 [4 favorites]

Cronk: it's got electrolytes
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:57 PM on June 24 [3 favorites]

Cronk is the drink
posted by Going To Maine at 7:13 PM on June 24 [1 favorite]

Twitter gives me a rash.

Sounds like you could use something with valuable tonic, sedative, alternative, antiseptic, atiscorbutic and duretic properties, all of which are required to keep the circulation healthful and vigorous.
posted by zamboni at 7:17 AM on June 25 [8 favorites]

Here's the recipe, linked in Homeboy Trouble's comment above:

Take 1 pound of sassafras,
4 pounds of sarsaparilla,
2 pounds hops,
1 pound of camomile blows,
1 pound of cinnamon,
5 pounds of ginger,
1 pint of extract of sarsaparilla.

Boil them together two hours.

Have ready steeped half a pound of green tea, which add, then strain into a vat or tub, and add:

10 gallons molasses
100 gallons of water

Stir in thoroughly:

1 quart of yeast

and scent to suit your taste; let stand until fermented, then bottle for use.

This sounds actually kind of tasty. Barkeep, get me a cronk.
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:28 PM on June 27 [1 favorite]

I’m keeping an eye on Cold Garden’s website, and when Cronk is ready, I’ll try to get some and report back on what it tastes like. The best guess I’ve seen is “root beer crossed with kombucha”
posted by nubs at 6:06 PM on June 28

An article in The Guardian about Cronk’s rediscovery and eventual return.
posted by Kattullus at 4:57 AM on July 3 [1 favorite]

That won't be real Cronk though. It's going to be more of a Cronkite.
posted by ardgedee at 11:30 AM on July 3

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