Part of this nutritious breakfast!

March 25, 2021 7:51 AM

Some people love it. Others liken it to fish tank gravel. But Grape Nuts have a loyal following. They went missing during the pandemic. People paid ridiculous amounts for them during the shortage. But now they're back on the shelves - and Post is even willing to reimburse loyal fans who overpaid.

I tripped over the Vice article while idly wondering why I couldn't find Grape Nuts of all things at the store (who even buys this stuff? Is the demand that high? Am I a weirdo for wanting a box?). Come for the story on how much people paid for them, stay for the insane description of how they make them in the first place. Special bonus - a vintage video showing the baking and shredding process!

posted by caution live frogs (95 comments total)

I don't know what that photo is in the AARP article but it sure isn't Grape Nuts.
posted by schoolgirl report at 7:57 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Be not afraid of Grape-Nuts. Some are born great, some achieve Grape-Nuts, and others have Grape-Nuts thrust upon them.
posted by chavenet at 7:59 AM on March 25, 2021 [43 favorites]

Oh wow - when I was a kid I remember my friend serving me a bowl of Grape-Nuts at her family's kitchen table after a sleepover. We usually had Product 19 at home (I don't know if that exists anymore) so I was not familiar with Grape-Nuts, although I did remember Euell Gibbons and parody commercials about him eating the bark off of trees! They were so hard and gravelly I thought they were a prank.
posted by 41swans at 8:03 AM on March 25, 2021 [4 favorites]

If you've never tried Grape-nuts hot, it's surprisingly good - and insanely easy. You just dump Grape-nuts and milk together in a bowl (a bit less milk than Grape-nuts - like, a half cup of cereal and a third cup of milk should do it) and then sling that in the microwave for 30-60 seconds, depending on how much crunch you want it to retain. It comes out like a fancy whole-grain porridge thing.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:05 AM on March 25, 2021 [29 favorites]

Yeah I've had grape nuts as a hot cereal as a kid and for some reason I loved it irrationally until one day I didn't. I don't understand it at all.
posted by AlexiaSky at 8:10 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Milk

butter

honey

grape nuts

microwave 1:30 to 2:00

great winter second breakfast.
posted by NoThisIsPatrick at 8:15 AM on March 25, 2021 [9 favorites]

did Mr. Post also name Egg Creams?
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 8:15 AM on March 25, 2021 [13 favorites]

Grape Nuts changed some time ago, say the early 2000s. They used to be smaller, darker and harder. Then they became identical to (but much more expensive than) the generic “Nutty Nuggets” that some midwestern chains carried. They are lighter in colour now, and while still hard, don't have the did-I-crunch-this-or-did-I-just-break-a-filling mouthfeel.
posted by scruss at 8:18 AM on March 25, 2021 [11 favorites]

I definitely have a real love for Grape Nuts. If I still ate cereals regularly, there would still be a box in my pantry.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:19 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

1 cup Grape Nuts
1 cup whole milk
Combine in a bowl

All you need
posted by rocketman at 8:24 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

I'm assuming there's no grape flavor to Grape-Nuts? I always wondered but never enough to buy a box.
posted by emjaybee at 8:26 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

½ cup Grape Nuts
1 serving Greek yogurt
Fruit
Layer in a parfait glass if you want to be fancy, I guess
posted by 1970s Antihero at 8:29 AM on March 25, 2021 [11 favorites]

I used to be a faithful Grape Nuts for breakfast person. As a kid I ate them with a little sugar but eventually phased that out. Once in college I was out of milk and tried to eat them dampened with water - hahahahah! Never found a grocery store brand I could stand the taste of, only Post would do.
I switched to old fashioned oatmeal at some point. I guess my timing was good, pandemic-shortage-wise.
posted by Lookinguppy at 8:30 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

this is america goddamit

1 cup generous backhoe o' Grape Nuts
1 cup swimming pool o' whole milk
one bathing suit


all you need
posted by lalochezia at 8:33 AM on March 25, 2021 [17 favorites]

They're the best thing to add to yogurt to make it crunchy, without adding a flavor as well. Love 'em.
posted by OHenryPacey at 8:37 AM on March 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

You haven't lived till you've had Grape Nuts Ice Cream
posted by lobstah at 8:47 AM on March 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

Grape Nuts is one few commercial breakfast cereals that contains NO sugar.

One of the sad things about growing old is that one's teeth can no longer handle Grape Nuts (I can testify. But I will try the hot Grape Nuts recipes above).

Fortunately, there is still Uncle Sam Cereal - a sugar-free, health food-store staple that goes back a century or more.

Back in the 1940s, Grape Nuts sponsored the Jack Benny Radio Program - another source of perpetual pleasure.
posted by Modest House at 8:47 AM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

You haven't lived till you've had Grape Nuts Ice Cream
Thanks, lobstah! 'Til today I've never had reason to be pleased to count myself a member of the army of the undead.
posted by Don Pepino at 8:52 AM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

Grape Nuts is one few commercial breakfast cereals that contains NO sugar.

No added sugar, but it does have malted barley flour, and therefore has 5 grams of sugar per serving, which is 5 times the amount in Cheerios, and nearly as much as Honey Bunches of Oats (6 grams).

But as the marketing team explains, "Men aspire to it ... It's strong and stern, the father figure of cereals. ... It tends to break your teeth sometimes." I love the stuff.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 8:59 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Long ago comedian (forget the name, alas- not on the A List) memorably described the product as the only substance on earth harder than diamonds.
posted by BWA at 9:02 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

The first time I had Grape-Nuts was in college when roommates and I decided to kill a bottle of Cuervo 1800, which was also my first experience with tequila. Round about midnight we got hungry and the only other food we had in the apartment was Grape Nuts and Bud Light. When I inevitably got sick it was not unlike the opening day of pheasant season, from the point of view of the shotgun.
posted by JohnFromGR at 9:02 AM on March 25, 2021 [25 favorites]

I love Grape Nuts. I remember being first upset, than in agreement with a comedian who said "let's call grape nuts what they are - un-flavored bacon bits".

He also said "shouldn't KY jelly really be called 'jam'?"
posted by Gorgik at 9:05 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

In 1933, Post Grape-Nuts sponsored Sir Admiral Byrd’s expedition to Antarctica, where the first two-way radio transmission occurred.

I attended a school named for Byrd. I've spent more than a year in Antarctica and read most of the hand-typed stuff in the South Pole library. I've got a piece of paper that proves I can copy Morse code at 20 words per minute. This is so obviously not true that it makes me question everything else. The first two-way radio transmission was in 1933? Get out of town! (Or, is this a joke I'm not getting?)

But, I do love Grape Nuts and am happy to be reminded of them. The stores I've been to in the last ten years don't sell it. It might be worth an expedition to get some.
posted by eotvos at 9:05 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

I'll totally second EmpressCallipygos' hot grape nuts recommendation.

I go about every 5 years before suddenly having a giant urge/need for grape nuts. The problem is that for about 20 years no I've lived in Canada where grape nuts aren't on store shelves. Fortunately, they're available at the bulk barn. Just a month or two ago I remarked to Ms. nobeagle that my urge for grape nuts was rising. Now after this post (ha), it's about all I can think about. Damn pepsi blue.

And since there's been a shortage, I'm really afraid to find out that the Bulk Barn is out. Or they stopped carrying it 4 years ago and I'll be stuck refusing to buy $40 boxes shipped from the US.
posted by nobeagle at 9:10 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

floam: do you also not even own a tv? :)
posted by nobeagle at 9:12 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

Fortunately, there is still Uncle Sam Cereal - a sugar-free, health food-store staple that goes back a century or more.

Extra layers of weird context if you remember that Samuel Wilson was a meat packer from Troy, New York in the early 19th Century.
posted by mikelieman at 9:20 AM on March 25, 2021

They're ok if you sprinkle them with sugared shrimp tails.
posted by mazola at 9:22 AM on March 25, 2021 [20 favorites]

Lobstah, I see your grape nut ice cream, and raise you one grape nut pudding
posted by dchase at 9:23 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

We usually had Product 19 at home (I don't know if that exists anymore)

Oh the days when you could name a cereal "Product 19." There's just something so institutional about it. And you just know it's going to be beige and have the texture of wallpaper paste.
posted by dlugoczaj at 9:26 AM on March 25, 2021 [11 favorites]

Grape Nuts are great and all you haters should just admit that you don't really like cereal; you just like sugar.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:28 AM on March 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

Wow, I haven't thought about Product 19 in ages! Was that just a knockoff of Special K? I think I always associated those two cereals because of their similarly odd names.
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:31 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

One of my favorite bits of character building in the first Deadpool movie was the scene with Colossus eating Grape Nuts for breakfast, because of course he does.
posted by notoriety public at 9:32 AM on March 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

As Garfield once recommended, "Always check your Grape Nuts for squirrels."
posted by Jessica Savitch's Coke Spoon at 9:33 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

If you've never tried Grape-nuts hot, it's surprisingly good - and insanely easy.

One of my best childhood memories is my father making me hot Grape-nuts. He used to put in butter and sugar, so it was particularly decadent. He made all my breakfasts when I was growing up. Very lucky to have him in my life.
posted by Flight Hardware, do not touch at 9:33 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

I'm assuming there's no grape flavor to Grape-Nuts? I always wondered but never enough to buy a box.

Grape Nuts do not, in fact, have any grape flavor. They’re so named because they contained a sugar, I forget which one, that was called “grape sugar.”
posted by holborne at 9:33 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

I love Grape Nuts but haven't had them for 20 years since moving to Europe. Still, can't decouple the memory of losing a baby tooth while eating them for breakfast as a kid and wondering why that one bit was so damn hard.
posted by St. Oops at 9:34 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Ctrl+F wild hickory nuts ... 'Phrase not found' *sigh*
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:38 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

Are you going to tell me with a straight face, Cookie Crisp is more sugar than cereal?

Next you'll be telling me there's neither grapes nor nuts in Grape-Nuts. Hogwash!
posted by pwnguin at 9:39 AM on March 25, 2021

Ever eat a shoe?
posted by OHenryPacey at 9:42 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

I attended a school named for Byrd. I've spent more than a year in Antarctica and read most of the hand-typed stuff in the South Pole library. I've got a piece of paper that proves I can copy Morse code at 20 words per minute. This is so obviously not true that it makes me question everything else.

So you haven’t been to Antarctica? ;)
posted by Celsius1414 at 9:49 AM on March 25, 2021 [4 favorites]

I may be mis-remembering, but I was in my local Whole Foods a few weeks ago and saw Grape Nuts on the shelf and thought, "wow, is that stuff still around?". I'm pretty sure it was Grape Nuts.

My mom, god love her, rarely let my brother and I eat sugar cereals back when we were kids in the 1970s. It was always Kix instead of Trix. Sometimes we would wear her down and she would buy Honey Comb and Super Sugar Crisp, but those occasions were very rare. But there were always boxes of Grape Nuts and Alpen in our pantry. As a kid I thought that Grape Nuts were the seeds removed from actual grapes.
posted by sundrop at 9:52 AM on March 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

Cookie Crisp is undeniably good, however I hold a grudge against it, because I remember when that cereal was first introduced and there were two flavors: chocolate chip and vanilla wafer. They eventually discontinued the vanilla wafer variant...which was waaay better!
posted by Atom Eyes at 9:55 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Oh the days when you could name a cereal "Product 19." There's just something so institutional about it. And you just know it's going to be beige and have the texture of wallpaper paste.

I actually....weirdly kinda liked it as a kid? It was a crunch-flake-kind of cereal, with the flakes being made of a combination of corn, oats, wheat, and rice; it was also very slightly sweetened, which was a boon if you were growing up in a no-sugar-cereals-allowed household. I remember the ads mostly touting its nutritional completeness - I thought that the "19" in the name was because that was how many vitamins it had your RDA in it or something, but now that I'm looking into it I think I'm confusing that with Total. Wikipedia is vague about the origin of the "Product 19" name and suggests that either it was the 19th version of the recipe, or that it was the 19th cereal the company developed that year or something. It was never a big deal, but had a weird cult following that kept it going until just a couple years or so ago.

As for the Grape Nuts ice cream - I swear I read in the Ben and Jerry's ice cream recipe book that they noticed that the people who seemed to go for their Maple Grape-Nuts flavor the most were members of Vermont's state legislature.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 9:57 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

One cup Fiber One
1/2 cup of Grape Nuts
Milk
Sliced banana and/or blueberries, strawberries, blackberries
= texture, flavor, nutrition, happy colon
posted by thecincinnatikid at 9:58 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

I've never had Grape Nuts hot! I'll have to give it a whirl.

Cookie Crisp, on the other hand, is just Chips Ahoy for people who can't commit.
posted by phooky at 10:01 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

@schoolgirl report:

AARP Slack Channel

Writer: We need a hero for the grapenuts piece, what should I use?

Editor: A bowl of grapenuts?

Writer: ... There isn't any. And nobody I know eats it.

Editor: ha, right. Um. I guess just use something that looks like it?

Writer: What looks like it? Would sand work? I have some sand. I've never eaten grapenuts, but apparently it's like stale bread gravel? Would breadcrumbs work?

Editor: ME NEITHER. Who would even eat that, right? Even my mamaw hated that stuff. I think breadcrumbs are too fluffy. Maybe crush up a cracker?

Writer: OH, I found some graham crackers, I will just crumble them into a bowl. It's the right color I think.

Editor: Perfect.
posted by pol at 10:05 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

A Kibologist taught me decades ago that Grape Nuts are freeze-dried beer.
posted by delfin at 10:11 AM on March 25, 2021 [8 favorites]

You people.
You've come ALL THIS FAR in this thread with only one passing mention of Euell Gibbons?!
For shame.
Go get your breakfast and think about what you have done.
posted by Bill Watches Movies Podcast at 10:13 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

The problem is that for about 20 years no I've lived in Canada where grape nuts aren't on store shelves.

When I was a kid, one of the neighbors across the alley was "always" ranting about how Canadian Grape-Nuts sucked compared to the US ones. Kept calling the Canadian ones "breadcrumbs, not cereal!". Every summer they'd go visit the US and come back with a literal car load of US Grape-Nuts boxes.

Edmonton had some unexpectedly weird people.
posted by aramaic at 10:15 AM on March 25, 2021 [13 favorites]

eotvos, I think it's just very poorly phrased. The Antarctica expedition in 1933 was the first Antarctic expedition which had two-way radio transmissions, not the first two-way radio transmissions ever.

(Again, unless I'm just missing a joke.)
posted by Four Ds at 10:16 AM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Back in the '80s, my dad, understanding that there was no way in hell that us kids were going to be excited about boring old Grape-Nuts when compared to more child-friendly cereals, used to doctor the box with a marker to read, "Grape-Mutts," with a friendly cartoon puppy on the front. Worked surprisingly well until we wised up at age 7 or so.
posted by merriment at 10:23 AM on March 25, 2021 [19 favorites]

Mrs. slkinsey and I can each straight-up eat a mixing bowl of Grape Nuts with milk.

What's really fantastic, though, is homemade Grape Nuts ice cream.
posted by slkinsey at 10:29 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

One longtime factory worker succinctly described the operation as "bake and destroy, bake and destroy."

This sounds more like someone's lazy gaming weekend.
posted by pykrete jungle at 10:30 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Whenever I see Fry eating Bachelor Chow on Futurama, this is what I imagine is in the bag.

"Now with flavor!"
posted by Alison at 10:48 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

I'm among the folks who grew up in a house where "sugar cereal" was a rare treat (and remember being absolutely APPALLED as a college kid seeing my much-younger step-siblings add sugar to a bowl of frosted flakes!!). I think I inherited a love for weird, non-sweet cereals from my parents and grandparents. In the last week alone I've had several bowls of Grape Nuts, plus a poached egg on big shredded wheat biscuits* for breakfast (an awesome combination I learned about from my grandfather). Meanwhile, my son is eating chocolate Cheerios. Go figure. The weirdo won't even drink the cereal milk when he's done with a bowl. Kids these days.

After the Vice article and the video I find myself wondering what one of those 10 lb loaves of Grape Nuts bread would be like, before they're crushed and re-baked. We used to have family friends who worked at Post in Battle Creek. Maybe my dad can make some calls and hook me up?

*A favorite memory: My son's face when he opened the shredded wheat box and discovered something a bit larger than the tiny mini-wheats he expected - he hadn't realized until that moment that the shredded wheat he knew was a pared-down, sugar-encrusted version of the original.
posted by caution live frogs at 10:54 AM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

1 box Grape Nuts
3 Oreo cookies
1 glass milk

Throw Grape Nuts into garbage. Enjoy a glass of milk with your Oreos.
posted by gwint at 10:56 AM on March 25, 2021 [12 favorites]

A local ice creamery once produced ice cream made with grapes, nuts, and Grape Nuts. It was good.
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:07 AM on March 25, 2021 [8 favorites]

I was a sugar cereal kid, but really liked Grape-Nuts my parents would occasionally buy for themselves. The more chocolatey or favorite product-based (weakly branded Nintendo cereals, I'm looking fondly back at you), the better.

I remember Kix had MASK cards as a promo, and me and my brother suffered through that box just for the cards.

I don't eat them much anymore, but I do eat Shredded Wheat, and they went missing in my area for about 6 weeks for probably similar reasons. I'll have to pick up a box of Grape-Nuts and see if they are as fun as I remember.
posted by The_Vegetables at 11:45 AM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Aquarium gravel doesn't have any added sugar either. Coincidence?
posted by Foosnark at 11:54 AM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I can't find GrapeNuts in Ontario

This is a human rights violation

Fellow Americans pls send me yr GrapeNuts
posted by Kitteh at 12:03 PM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

I see other claims regarding Byrd's 1933 expedition as the "first long range two-way radio transmission" so perhaps it's referring to his use of shortwave radio? Still, ships had been using two-way radio communications for decades by that point, and shortwave radio accounted for over half of all long-distance communication by 1928. So yeah I have no idea what "first" Byrd could have achieved, other than maybe "first person to broadcast from the south pole."
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 12:22 PM on March 25, 2021

One of the sad things about growing old is that one's teeth can no longer handle Grape Nuts ...

Serving them warm is all right, but if you like them cold, add milk and let them soak in the fridge for a few minutes. Use plenty of milk, Grape-Nuts will absorb a lot. Still tasty and much kinder to the choppers.

I should add that very few people have actually sampled aquarium gravel, which falls short in a direct comparison, take my word.
posted by Flexagon at 12:23 PM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Meh, Grape Nuts, Shmape Nuts. Bring back the bite size Honey Nut Shredded Wheat you stopped making right before the pandemic, Post, you cowards.
posted by kitten kaboodle at 12:23 PM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

caution live frogs: " (and remember being absolutely APPALLED as a college kid seeing my much-younger step-siblings add sugar to a bowl of frosted flakes!!)"

"They're actually kinda bland till you scoop sugar on 'em"
posted by chavenet at 12:25 PM on March 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

a poached egg on big shredded wheat biscuits

Hm, very like toast but shelf-stable, handy. Anything saucy?
posted by clew at 12:43 PM on March 25, 2021

Grape Nuts changed some time ago, say the early 2000s.

Is that really so? I believe they were identical to "nutty nuggets" much earlier than that. Did I miss out on the original? Is there some documentation for this change?
posted by Obscure Reference at 1:14 PM on March 25, 2021

Grapes didn't have nuts until a scientist in New Jersey in 2002 developed a Nuttification Ray.
posted by delfin at 1:21 PM on March 25, 2021

> Anything saucy?

Well...
posted by Westringia F. at 1:21 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Thanks, Biden!
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 1:28 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Seriously: Grape-Nuts with plain yogurt with frozen blueberries and raspberries is my JAM.
posted by Artifice_Eternity at 1:29 PM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

As a snack I pour Grape-Nuts into a shot glass and then lick them out with my tongue.
posted by Glenn Grothman at 1:34 PM on March 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Thus was the "Grapeshot" cocktail born.
and immediately died of embarassment
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:46 PM on March 25, 2021 [4 favorites]

A year ago when the shut down began, my local supermarket was wiped out overnight: the toilet paper, the frozen food aisle, the canned tomatoes, pasta, dish washing liquid. It was scary. Things are pretty much back in stock now. I was able to buy Mr. Clean recently. But Grape-Nuts are still MIA.
posted by TWinbrook8 at 2:02 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

I've been "stuck" (in a positive sense, could not be more grateful!) in New Zealand for 18 months now. I've seen exactly one box of Grape Nuts. It was in the International section at the New World on Moorhouse in Christchurch, which is the best New World in New Zealand. It was a UK import, which surprised the heck out of me as I don't remember seeing it on shelves in the UK. It was also $15 for that box, and I decided it would be foolish to spend that much money.

That was 10 months ago and I haven't seen a box since. I kick myself at least twice a week for not buying it.

Side note: Still have not gotten over the weirdness of the "American" section in non-US grocery stores. Or the fact that Old El Paso is the biggest global name in Mexican food.
posted by rednikki at 2:17 PM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

After the Vice article and the video I find myself wondering what one of those 10 lb loaves of Grape Nuts bread would be like, before they're crushed and re-baked.

I was wondering something similar about the Melba bread that I insist must be a precursor to Melba toast.
posted by pykrete jungle at 3:26 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

I think Grape Nuts are pretty good with a bunch of milk and sugar on them.
posted by straight at 5:05 PM on March 25, 2021

But my wife used to make some home-made Grape Nuts. Baked some flatbread, put it in the blender, then baked the crumbs. It was hard to get it uniformly crunchy (you'd have some bits burnt and others too soft), but the portion that came out just right was very good and very hard on our teeth.
posted by straight at 5:08 PM on March 25, 2021

I put grape nuts and cream and maple syrup or honey on top of my raisin & apple studded oatmeal, just like my daddy does.
posted by Grandysaur at 5:40 PM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

if you let the grape nuts soften in the yogurt for literally five minutes--three hundred seconds--it's heavenly.
posted by Zerowensboring at 5:49 PM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Literally, it was not until the comments in this post that I realized grape nut cereal does not contain raisins. Mostly because I was like 'why is no one talking about raisins?' and then actually bothered to google grape nuts and looking at the cereal box, clearly no raisins are involved.

I don't know why I always assumed raisins were part of grape nuts, maybe I took grape seriously?

My mind is blown y'all.
posted by later, paladudes at 7:02 PM on March 25, 2021

Talk amongst yourselves; I’ll give you a topic. Grape nuts: contain neither grapes nor nuts. Discuss!

Cannnnot find a clip of this anywhere - did I make it up ?!?!?
posted by Tandem Affinity at 7:20 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

Another recipe, if you only have a kettle:
1 packet instant oatmeal
equal amount of Grape Nuts
big spoonful of jam
add hot water and stir
splash of milk or yogurt to cool it off optional

It's a very dense slow-burning-carbohydrate breakfast; you might forget to eat lunch, unless you're out splitting logs or shoveling snow. A premixed baggie of it (dry, uncooked, w/powdered milk) goes in my trail hiking bag as a just boil water hot meal; a jar with a little scoop used to live at the office to prevent vending machine lunches.
posted by bartleby at 7:28 PM on March 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

You do have to like the taste of barley-sugar and/or malt to appreciate Grape Nuts, though. (That's the 'grape sugar' component)
If Whoppers / Malteasers make you gag, you won't like Grape Nuts. And yes, they are for most too crunchy cold. If you dig your spoon in the second after you pour the milk, you're gonna have a bad time. Let them sit, or make them hot, to soften.
And +1 to all the ideas for mixing with (cold) dairy for texture. Ever put muesli on yogurt? Or crush a handful of granola over ice cream? Same idea.

Weirdest description I've heard, but cannot vouch for: "oh god, it's like if you took kvass and made freeze-dried concentrate crystals".
posted by bartleby at 7:30 PM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

Tandem Affinity, I remember it as 'the Peanut is neither a pea, nor a nut. Discuss.'
posted by bartleby at 7:38 PM on March 25, 2021

If Whoppers / Malteasers make you gag, you won't like Grape Nuts.

I find (or found, it has been many years since I last had them) Whoppers disgusting, but I quite like Grape Nuts. Cold with whole milk is my preference.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:38 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

bartleby, according to the Coffeetalk wikipedia, “peanut” is another apparent bahuvrihi explored in the skits (also just learned the word bahuvrihi from that Wikipedia page), in addition to the Grape Nuts one... but still no link....annnnnd it was a Jerry Seinfeld spiel too... maybe it was everywhere and that’s why it stuck with me... I say it to myself at the grocery store. Ingrained!
posted by Tandem Affinity at 8:25 PM on March 25, 2021 [1 favorite]

The only use I have for Grape-Nuts is this apple crisp recipe, which I make often.

⅓ c. + ¼ c. brown sugar
⅓ c. + ¼ c. white sugar
½ tsp. cinnamon
¼ tsp. nutmeg
⅛ tsp. cloves
⅛ tsp. ginger
⅛ tsp. cardamom
10 tbsp. vegan butter
½ c. whole-wheat flour
½ c. Grape-Nuts (or generic equivalent)
½ c. oats
6 apples
1 tbsp. water

In a small bowl, mix ⅓ c. brown sugar, ⅓ c. white sugar, and spices.

Melt 8 tbsp. butter. In a large bowl, mix flour, Grape-Nuts, oats, ¼ c. brown sugar, ¼ c. white sugar, and melted butter.

Peel, core, and slice apples. Melt remaining 2 tbsp. butter in a large skillet, then add sugar-spice mix to skillet. Once sugar-spice mix begins to dissolve, add apples and water. Cook, stirring intermittently, until apples are softened and coated with sauce, about 5 minutes.

Pour skillet contents into a 2-quart baking dish and top evenly with flour mixture. Bake at 375°F for 25 minutes, until the top is browned and the filling is bubbling around the edges. Cool at least 10 minutes. Serve with vanilla ice cream.

Originally based on allrecipes.com/recipe/220785 with various modifications I've made over the years.
posted by Syllepsis at 11:28 PM on March 25, 2021 [3 favorites]

The shredded wheats were large, they were wheats, there was no sugar frosting at all. We need to keep stuff like this off the shelves.

Justice demands a shredded maxi-wheat, (sugared), about the size of an airline pillow, neatly fitting in its cardboard box.
posted by sebastienbailard at 5:46 AM on March 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

Syllepsis: Thanks for the recipe! That is something right up my alley!

I love Grape Nuts. A nice hot bowl of Grape Nuts with warm milk and peach slices (insert Homer Simpson drooling).
Euell Gibbons told me they taste like wild hickory nuts. I still believe that, but I've never had hickory nuts, wild or otherwise.
posted by james33 at 5:58 AM on March 26, 2021

Grape nut ice cream is the first food-I-can't-get-in-Tennessee that I eat when I arrive home (Nova Scotia). Grape nut ice cream, Smarties (the Canadian chocolate kind not the American chalk abominations), and oat cakes are the three foods I miss the most. Hot damn.
posted by joannemerriam at 7:24 AM on March 26, 2021

I came in for the Grapenuts (yum) and stayed for the NO SUGAR CEREAL households. I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE - cheerios, shredded wheat, cream of wheat, oatmeal (so.much.oatmeal - did anyone else's Mom or Dad make them eat so.much.oatmeal to collect the brown and turquoise dishes that were in the box as a promotional??????).

When I went to college and dorm food, I ate Sugar Pops for breakfast everyday :).
posted by bluesky43 at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2021 [2 favorites]

I have this weird (and maybe not that likely to be real) memory of something about eating Grapenuts.

Which is that in almost every box there was one grapenut that was charred completely black. I got into a habit of seeking that one out and eating it. It tasted terrible and the powdery crushed charcoal stuck to my teeth.
posted by jamjam at 1:07 AM on March 27, 2021 [4 favorites]

I got into a habit of seeking that one out and eating it. It tasted terrible
Well of course you did! Grapenuts fans would logically seek out the worst individual grapenut in the box the same way they eagerly seek out the worst cereal ever made whenever they're in a store. Maybe you all will luck out and grapenuts will come out with an "all lava rocks!" version the way Cap'n Crunch did that "all berries" thing?
posted by Don Pepino at 6:49 AM on March 28, 2021 [1 favorite]

I had a Grapenuts phase when I was about 9 or 10. I think I buried it in sugar. What was I thinking? No one knows.
posted by thelonius at 7:57 AM on March 28, 2021

Grape Nuts is also great as a mixer for oatmeal. It softens enough to make the oatmeal more texturally interesting, while also containing the benefits of hot Grape Nuts. Really filling too.
posted by Autumnheart at 1:35 PM on March 28, 2021