It was like eating a sad, square-shaped memory of what food once was.
February 25, 2022 10:55 AM Subscribe
Ellis Brooks: My 24-Hour Experiment With Dystopian Food Units. This meal was made up of vacuum-sealed reconstituted food units. There were three units of salmon, two of sweet potato, and one of asparagus. They looked like protein pellets for the discerning survivalist.
This is Soylent, except solid. What I've always found laughable about this whole concept is that it's supposed to save all that time spent selecting, cooking, and then eating a meal under the assumption that it will allow you to "do great things". But when have you heard about anyone who's done that?
posted by tommasz at 11:02 AM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 11:02 AM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
"I like cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food." J. Child
posted by wmo at 11:07 AM on February 25, 2022 [26 favorites]
posted by wmo at 11:07 AM on February 25, 2022 [26 favorites]
I was under the impression that it might be for people with a disability that interferes with the eating process, but it's apparently not. The CEO's explanation is inadequate.
posted by Selena777 at 11:08 AM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Selena777 at 11:08 AM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
I've had a very surreal, rotten month with more to come. The line "I woke up angry at the food units," is one of the first things to make me for-real laugh since Feb 9th. Thank you for posting.
I remember hearing about food cubes a year or two ago but now, now they are immanentized.
posted by cobaltnine at 11:10 AM on February 25, 2022 [43 favorites]
I remember hearing about food cubes a year or two ago but now, now they are immanentized.
posted by cobaltnine at 11:10 AM on February 25, 2022 [43 favorites]
Would love to see someone else review this food, there's no way this particular person was ever going to enjoy them or give them a fair shot. Even with their attempts to make it all sound awful, idk, looks pretty good to me. I mean, the fish seems nasty, but that's because cooked fish is nasty to me. Still, seems like I'd chew that fish cube in one or two bites and get it down much easier than like a hot flaky baked salmon and the uncomfortable way it shears apart when you eat it.
I'm not trying to "do great things," I just resent needing to eat so fuckin constantly. It's the same cruel joke of making the bed, but at least 3 times a day and at the expense your time, money, and mental energy. If you didn't need to eat to live, people would not put up with this bullshit, nobody wants to own a machine you have to refuel goddamn 3 times a day and then empty out it's nasty waste bag every goddamn day too.
Cooking sucks, eating is boring and annoying, but being hungry is worse. I appreciate these kinds of foods, but without trying it myself my issue with this particular one is seems like they could be a bit smaller, maybe divided into a four chunks so you can just throat-chew them on the way down like a banana rather than get your tongue and teeth all covered in food slime. Kind of my issue with the drinkable stuff like soylent or huel, I don't want to taste any of this shit, I don't want to linger in my mouth, I just want whatever it takes to consume the nutrition without gaging and nothing more, nothing less.
posted by GoblinHoney at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2022 [48 favorites]
I'm not trying to "do great things," I just resent needing to eat so fuckin constantly. It's the same cruel joke of making the bed, but at least 3 times a day and at the expense your time, money, and mental energy. If you didn't need to eat to live, people would not put up with this bullshit, nobody wants to own a machine you have to refuel goddamn 3 times a day and then empty out it's nasty waste bag every goddamn day too.
Cooking sucks, eating is boring and annoying, but being hungry is worse. I appreciate these kinds of foods, but without trying it myself my issue with this particular one is seems like they could be a bit smaller, maybe divided into a four chunks so you can just throat-chew them on the way down like a banana rather than get your tongue and teeth all covered in food slime. Kind of my issue with the drinkable stuff like soylent or huel, I don't want to taste any of this shit, I don't want to linger in my mouth, I just want whatever it takes to consume the nutrition without gaging and nothing more, nothing less.
posted by GoblinHoney at 11:13 AM on February 25, 2022 [48 favorites]
Does the asparagus make your pee smell funky or is there another packet for that?
posted by whatevernot at 11:15 AM on February 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by whatevernot at 11:15 AM on February 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
https://mefiwiki.com/wiki/Frequently_Asked_Of_Metafilter#Food_.26_Drink:
Q: Do food pills or Bachelor Chow exist? Is there a basic food that will supply all required nutrients?posted by zamboni at 11:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
I was under the impression that it might be for people with a disability that interferes with the eating process, but it's apparently not.
Those kinds of just-so stories rarely seem to have any evidence attached.
Often enough I feel exhausted by the need to try to prepare or purchase food that falls within some reasonable nutritional and caloric constraints, and all the forethought that tends to require. I'd take a pill to be free, at least sometimes. But these look like nonstop texture violations.
posted by praemunire at 11:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Those kinds of just-so stories rarely seem to have any evidence attached.
Often enough I feel exhausted by the need to try to prepare or purchase food that falls within some reasonable nutritional and caloric constraints, and all the forethought that tends to require. I'd take a pill to be free, at least sometimes. But these look like nonstop texture violations.
posted by praemunire at 11:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
these dystopian units weren’t so much about ease or portability, they were about control. Controlling fat, sugar, calories, portion. About controlling food itself.
That seems plausible, it tracks with the inventor's self-description as a -- semi-professional athlete? -- , and the final memory of the author's mother was sad but understandable.
I kind of like all the high French smoothed-out takes on food, though not all the time, and probably not without the fat and seasoning.
I have a neophile acquaintance who used to be sure that the future of food was food printers, that we would process all food at the agricultural source into tanks of fractionated food-ness and then have 3D printers at home reconstituting it into exactly what we wanted at the time. Now, processing stuff at the source often is effective -- eg in midwinter I find the better frozen greens are usually better than long-shipped "fresh" greens, and I wish I knew the emergy balance between them -- but I kept having this vision of, you know, printer ink pricing strategies, and the terrible food box for the plebes in The Diamond Age.
posted by clew at 11:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
That seems plausible, it tracks with the inventor's self-description as a -- semi-professional athlete? -- , and the final memory of the author's mother was sad but understandable.
I kind of like all the high French smoothed-out takes on food, though not all the time, and probably not without the fat and seasoning.
I have a neophile acquaintance who used to be sure that the future of food was food printers, that we would process all food at the agricultural source into tanks of fractionated food-ness and then have 3D printers at home reconstituting it into exactly what we wanted at the time. Now, processing stuff at the source often is effective -- eg in midwinter I find the better frozen greens are usually better than long-shipped "fresh" greens, and I wish I knew the emergy balance between them -- but I kept having this vision of, you know, printer ink pricing strategies, and the terrible food box for the plebes in The Diamond Age.
posted by clew at 11:21 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Fascinating. I really don't understand why survivialists need something other than 50 pound bags of rice and beans, some multivitamin pills, and salt. Maybe some furikake to be fancy. It's not the diet I would choose. . . but, it will keep you alive for months and costs something like 20USD/month. (My underground bunker is also going to include some astronaut ice cream from the museum gift shop. But, not 'cause it's important.)
Including stevia, for people who are presumably looking to get more calories, is incredibly weird.
posted by eotvos at 11:23 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Including stevia, for people who are presumably looking to get more calories, is incredibly weird.
posted by eotvos at 11:23 AM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
chunks [...] you can just throat-chew [...] on the way down [...] rather than get your tongue and teeth all covered in food slime.
posted by GoblinHoney
posted by GoblinHoney
Her lips began to scorch, That juice was wormwood to her tongue, She loath’d the feast: Writhing as one possess’d she leap’d and sung, Rent all her robe, and wrung Her hands in lamentable haste, And beat her breast.posted by clew at 11:25 AM on February 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
I've eaten more than my share of Soylent/Huel/Mana/Jimmy Joy/etc and I don't see the point of this. It seems to combine the worst of normal foods (preparation, expiration) and artificial foods (texture, taste). Mealsquares are still around so there's clearly someone buying these.
save all that time ... will allow you to "do great things"
Some of us are struggling trying to do normal things, and these products can sometimes be useful.
posted by meowzilla at 11:27 AM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
save all that time ... will allow you to "do great things"
Some of us are struggling trying to do normal things, and these products can sometimes be useful.
posted by meowzilla at 11:27 AM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
"This tasted precisely like salmon, and salmon alone. A reproduction of salmon."
One of my quick, healthy, satisfying meals: Cook rice. Dump some canned salmon and frozen vegetables on top. Microwave for a few minutes. Add some soy sauce. Eat.
Clarence Birdseye figured out how to freeze vegetables in 1924. Salmon was first canned in the 1840s. Rice was first cultivated about 10,000 years ago.
The problem they seem to be trying to solve was solved long ago.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:27 AM on February 25, 2022 [23 favorites]
One of my quick, healthy, satisfying meals: Cook rice. Dump some canned salmon and frozen vegetables on top. Microwave for a few minutes. Add some soy sauce. Eat.
Clarence Birdseye figured out how to freeze vegetables in 1924. Salmon was first canned in the 1840s. Rice was first cultivated about 10,000 years ago.
The problem they seem to be trying to solve was solved long ago.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 11:27 AM on February 25, 2022 [23 favorites]
Unserious thought: I was kind of hoping the product name was actually Dystopian Food Units. It'd give the whole thing a bit of Torment Nexus feel.
posted by Drastic at 11:28 AM on February 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by Drastic at 11:28 AM on February 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
I'm not seeing how these are food for athletes: there's just not enough food there! I would have to eat roughly one bazillion to reach my protein and calorie goals.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:29 AM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:29 AM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I suddenly am reminded of the SNL Almost Pizza sketch.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:36 AM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:36 AM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
I couldn't help but read the company as if pronounced "squairt," and imagine that's probably close to the sound produced when making the "food" units.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 11:37 AM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 11:37 AM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
I'm land of contrasts, in that I enjoy cooking, fresh ingredients, and all that foodie stuff, but I also have a weird affinity for engineered food. I'm morbidly intrigued by these, and I'd consider ordering sampler pack of these if they had one.
posted by mollweide at 11:48 AM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by mollweide at 11:48 AM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
When I posted this, several people said they wanted food to be available immediately, no need to do preparation, so there must be some market. I have some food restrictions, and I mostly don't mind cooking, especially because that means I get tasty nutritious food, or sometimes tasty junk food. I think the review is pretty hilarious.
Eotvos, add some cooking oil to your survival food rations, and probably some sugar and rolled oats for variety.
posted by theora55 at 11:58 AM on February 25, 2022
Eotvos, add some cooking oil to your survival food rations, and probably some sugar and rolled oats for variety.
posted by theora55 at 11:58 AM on February 25, 2022
There's a tiny part of me, left over from being a child, that loves this idea. It's the same part that loves shampoo bars and detergent pods, although those are at least useful. I thought about this for two seconds, but as a vegetarian I would get pretty tired of ASPARAGUS and SWEET POTATO and so forth. The pancakes sound horrible, too, although it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only person who has a problem with stevia.
I would love to be able to pack a Meal Unit somewhere and just unwrap it, and a Complete Cookie is about as close as I expect to come. I do actually require food to be tasty, to be one of the few physical pleasures that I can hope for in life.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I would love to be able to pack a Meal Unit somewhere and just unwrap it, and a Complete Cookie is about as close as I expect to come. I do actually require food to be tasty, to be one of the few physical pleasures that I can hope for in life.
posted by Countess Elena at 12:01 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
> if the thing you’re making is an objectively worse version of the original, who cares how easy it is to manufacture?
Our new manufacturing pipeline is operating smoothly, ingesting feedstock! We declare the output of the pipeline to be "salmon"!
From another perspective, if ease of manufacturing lets you offer a product at a much lower price-point, a longer shelf life, or provide additional supply for some kind of food that is otherwise scarce and in demand, then many people will happily accept it. When I do my weekly grocery shopping I happily buy a number of industrial food outputs that can can legally be marketed and sold as "cheese", "turkey", and "bread", but don't closely resemble food of the same name prepared with traditional methods.
ymmv -- i'm australian, one of our celebrated national condiments is a nutrient-enriched brewery waste stream.
posted by are-coral-made at 12:04 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
Our new manufacturing pipeline is operating smoothly, ingesting feedstock! We declare the output of the pipeline to be "salmon"!
From another perspective, if ease of manufacturing lets you offer a product at a much lower price-point, a longer shelf life, or provide additional supply for some kind of food that is otherwise scarce and in demand, then many people will happily accept it. When I do my weekly grocery shopping I happily buy a number of industrial food outputs that can can legally be marketed and sold as "cheese", "turkey", and "bread", but don't closely resemble food of the same name prepared with traditional methods.
ymmv -- i'm australian, one of our celebrated national condiments is a nutrient-enriched brewery waste stream.
posted by are-coral-made at 12:04 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
I saw the video this company produced a while back. Maybe I didn't get to it via MetaFilter? Anyhow, it is entertaining.
posted by snofoam at 12:05 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by snofoam at 12:05 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
"What if I told you we could transform regular food...into squares?"
posted by snofoam at 12:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
posted by snofoam at 12:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
I am drinking Soylent as I read this, and genuinely the thing I'm dreading most about returning to the office is having to start having Lunch Ideas again (Soylent is messy to prepare, and much better blended with five chunks of frozen banana, so definitely more of an at-home meal; I don't like the pre-bottled stuff as much). So I feel I can say authoritatively that whatever segment of the population this is for, I don't think it's me and the rest of the "just don't make me think about it" crowd. While my ideal lunch substance would be solid and shelf-stable so I can keep a box of them at work, I definitely do NOT want to think about FLAVORS. What's great about Soylent, and what puts it above the other Nutrient Slurries TM in my mind, is that it tastes fully unobjectionable but also not like anything. (The banana is there to make it taste less like anything, not more like banana.) It's not sweet, it's not savory, it's not flavored, it just tastes like a taste you can stand to have every lunchtime that you didn't have to plan or choose. It's a flavor that says "I'm edible" and nothing more. Give me an edible-flavored food pillow and we'll talk!
posted by babelfish at 12:09 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
posted by babelfish at 12:09 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
I saw the video this company produced a while back.
So it's both ultra-processed and hand made?? It's not even automated??
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:12 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
So it's both ultra-processed and hand made?? It's not even automated??
posted by paper chromatographologist at 12:12 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Food for people who resent food" is a difficult category, because the number of ways it could go wrong seems limitless and in the end all it does is shift problems around, introducing new ones (the expense of developing the products, the packaging waste, problems with texture, digestibility, food safety, nutrient loss, and so on) without entirely eliminating the old (you still have to "cook" the squares). To be fair, though, it's also a difficult category to address as someone who doesn't resent food. I feel sympathy for people who don't find enjoyment in cooking and eating, but I recognize that they don't want me or anybody else trying to do some sort of food conversion therapy on them, as if we know what's best.
Me, I found pre-cut meat for stew on sale at the supermarket, so spent three hours yesterday making boeuf bourguignon with Julia Child's brown-braised pearl onions and sautéed mushrooms, and pommes Anna on the side. I used stock I made the last time we roasted a chicken. It's pretty clear that I don't resent food at all, and I am not the market for these food units.
posted by fedward at 12:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
Me, I found pre-cut meat for stew on sale at the supermarket, so spent three hours yesterday making boeuf bourguignon with Julia Child's brown-braised pearl onions and sautéed mushrooms, and pommes Anna on the side. I used stock I made the last time we roasted a chicken. It's pretty clear that I don't resent food at all, and I am not the market for these food units.
posted by fedward at 12:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
> both ultra-processed and hand made?? It's not even automated??
probably not worth sinking a bunch of money in automation to increase efficiency until they get enough evidence to confirm enough customer and validate the business model.
posted by are-coral-made at 12:18 PM on February 25, 2022
probably not worth sinking a bunch of money in automation to increase efficiency until they get enough evidence to confirm enough customer and validate the business model.
posted by are-coral-made at 12:18 PM on February 25, 2022
I was knee-jerk preparing to push back against Goblinhoney's treatise against cooking, but stopped myself with "EC, you like cooking but not everyone does, calm down".
And even so:
I am drinking Soylent as I read this, and genuinely the thing I'm dreading most about returning to the office is having to start having Lunch Ideas again
I may love cooking but I so feel this. My office has gone back to catering everyone's lunch 3 days a week and I am secretly delighted, because the leftovers from my dinners can stay at home and sustain me that much longer. Twice a week I just grab one portion of a leftover something from the fridge and throw it in my bag and that's Good Enough, and usually better than what just about everyone else at work does.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
And even so:
I am drinking Soylent as I read this, and genuinely the thing I'm dreading most about returning to the office is having to start having Lunch Ideas again
I may love cooking but I so feel this. My office has gone back to catering everyone's lunch 3 days a week and I am secretly delighted, because the leftovers from my dinners can stay at home and sustain me that much longer. Twice a week I just grab one portion of a leftover something from the fridge and throw it in my bag and that's Good Enough, and usually better than what just about everyone else at work does.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I really wish the video had addressed if/how these satisfied hunger. I can't imagine that 3-4 squares would even begin to feel like a full meal and stave off hunger. Is there any fiber in them at all?
posted by hydra77 at 12:26 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by hydra77 at 12:26 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I would rather have enough money to pay a human to prepare the food the normal way. Sweet potatoes are already natures perfect food*. I feel insulted that they involved them with this mess.
*YMMV
posted by bleep at 12:27 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
*YMMV
posted by bleep at 12:27 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
The problem they seem to be trying to solve was solved long ago.
I'm not sure. There seem to be roughly four phenotypes around food:
Group 1: Loves to eat, loves to cook
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
"Simple but delicious recipes," such the salmon and rice you describe, are a partial solution for Group 2, or a Group 1 with little time/energy; they're not really answers for Group 4. That's way too much involvement and thought for someone who truly despises eating in addition to cooking. I'll put up with an amount of effort and cleanup to eat something tasty; if I didn't find anything to BE tasty, I would put up with absolutely ZERO of that effort.
If you really do not at all care, and hate food, and hate eating it, these really might be the best solution we have so far.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
I'm not sure. There seem to be roughly four phenotypes around food:
Group 1: Loves to eat, loves to cook
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
"Simple but delicious recipes," such the salmon and rice you describe, are a partial solution for Group 2, or a Group 1 with little time/energy; they're not really answers for Group 4. That's way too much involvement and thought for someone who truly despises eating in addition to cooking. I'll put up with an amount of effort and cleanup to eat something tasty; if I didn't find anything to BE tasty, I would put up with absolutely ZERO of that effort.
If you really do not at all care, and hate food, and hate eating it, these really might be the best solution we have so far.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [12 favorites]
I couldn't help but read the company as if pronounced "squairt," and imagine that's probably close to the sound produced when making the "food" units.
Like "squirt", but edgier and less organic!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Like "squirt", but edgier and less organic!
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I'm land of contrasts, in that I enjoy cooking, fresh ingredients, and all that foodie stuff, but I also have a weird affinity for engineered food.
I'm in the same weird box. I love beautiful, elegant cooking, I love great restaurants and I fucking hate feeding myself breakfast and lunch every single goddamned day. I would be happy to have some kind of pre-engineered complete breakfast that I could just eat, not hate eating, and get on with my day.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:38 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm in the same weird box. I love beautiful, elegant cooking, I love great restaurants and I fucking hate feeding myself breakfast and lunch every single goddamned day. I would be happy to have some kind of pre-engineered complete breakfast that I could just eat, not hate eating, and get on with my day.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:38 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
nobody wants to own a machine you have to refuel goddamn 3 times a day and then empty out it's nasty waste bag every goddamn day too.
Lol fortunately given the likely fiber content of these little squares I cannot imagine that you would need to empty out that waste bag quite so often.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:43 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
Lol fortunately given the likely fiber content of these little squares I cannot imagine that you would need to empty out that waste bag quite so often.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 12:43 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
> Would love to see someone else review this food
Adam Lisagor and Noah Kalina's podcast "All Consuming" (where they review direct-to-consumer products) featured Squareat in their 2/14 episode.
Spoiler alert, one of them liked it, one of them did not.
posted by jeremias at 12:47 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I would be happy to have some kind of pre-engineered complete breakfast that I could just eat, not hate eating, and get on with my day.
Let me introduce you to something called "cereal." I add milk and sometimes dried fruit. (I do understand that some people hate it and/or do not consider it complete, but for a lot of us it does the trick.)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:53 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
Let me introduce you to something called "cereal." I add milk and sometimes dried fruit. (I do understand that some people hate it and/or do not consider it complete, but for a lot of us it does the trick.)
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:53 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
"Food is fuel. Now shut up and eat your garbage." - a line from Ratatouille that I identified with
posted by clawsoon at 12:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by clawsoon at 12:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
BRB, forming a band called Dystopian Food Unit and the Texture Violations
posted by praemunire at 12:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [46 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 12:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [46 favorites]
I love food: eating it, preparing it, thinking about it, remembering special meals that happened 30 years ago and foods I haven’t been able to eat for 20, storing it, imagining new combinations I haven’t tried before — everything about it, really.
I also think food is beautiful. I used to have a kind of bicycle circuit I’d ride that would take most of the day, and I don’t like exercising with a full stomach so I wouldn’t eat anything that day until I got back home ~7:00, and I arranged my route so that in the afternoon I could pass this organic grocery store that had a skylight above a big produce island, grab a basket for protective coloration, and then circulate around the store, and around and around the produce island staring at ravishingly beautiful fruits and vegetables while in a state of acute hunger.
It was truly psychedelic, but I had to cut back a little when I realized I was making the workers who maintained the island nervous.
posted by jamjam at 12:58 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I also think food is beautiful. I used to have a kind of bicycle circuit I’d ride that would take most of the day, and I don’t like exercising with a full stomach so I wouldn’t eat anything that day until I got back home ~7:00, and I arranged my route so that in the afternoon I could pass this organic grocery store that had a skylight above a big produce island, grab a basket for protective coloration, and then circulate around the store, and around and around the produce island staring at ravishingly beautiful fruits and vegetables while in a state of acute hunger.
It was truly psychedelic, but I had to cut back a little when I realized I was making the workers who maintained the island nervous.
posted by jamjam at 12:58 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
Zucchini takes maybe 45 seconds to cut and three minutes in the pan. In fact, zucchini is my go-to ingredient when I want a fast meal.Zucchini. The mention made me gag a little.
posted by clawsoon at 1:01 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Let me introduce you to something called "cereal." I add milk and sometimes dried fruit. (I do understand that some people hate it and/or do not consider it complete, but for a lot of us it does the trick.)
A bowl of processed carbohydrates is, for my purposes, pretty much the opposite of a complete meal. I never found cereal filling and could easily eat an entire box of it without feeling satisfied and now I don't each much in the way of carbs. Even when I did eat carbs, I mostly ate bowls of cereal for dessert rather than breakfast.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
A bowl of processed carbohydrates is, for my purposes, pretty much the opposite of a complete meal. I never found cereal filling and could easily eat an entire box of it without feeling satisfied and now I don't each much in the way of carbs. Even when I did eat carbs, I mostly ate bowls of cereal for dessert rather than breakfast.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
As a child who loved Space Food Sticks and Carnation Breakfast Bars, I am intrigued.
posted by Splunge at 1:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 1:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
really don't understand why survivialists need something other than 50 pound bags of rice and beans, some multivitamin pills, and salt.
Hoarding rice and beans is a boring hobby, hoarding high-tech food cubes is probably more fun and interesting. It's not about how they sustain you in the Aftermath so much as what they do for you right now, which is let you have fun with weird food cubes.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
Hoarding rice and beans is a boring hobby, hoarding high-tech food cubes is probably more fun and interesting. It's not about how they sustain you in the Aftermath so much as what they do for you right now, which is let you have fun with weird food cubes.
posted by BungaDunga at 1:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
Group 1: Loves to eat, loves to cook
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
I'd tend toward the middle of that 2X2 grid, in (but not deep in) the "loves to eat" half and just over the "hates to cook" line. I like to try new things but can get by with eating nearly the same thing every day for months. And super-easy-quick prep is my jam; probably my favorite food that I prepare myself is Instant Pot chili, a variation of a recipe that I've made for decades which includes two cans of Ro-Tel and my participation takes about half an hour before it simmers for three hours.
That having been said, this stuff looks like what the aliens feed you while they're trying to decide between giving you superpowers, turning you into a cyborg (with or without superpowers), using a teleporter to merge you with another Earth lifeform such as an ocelot, a fir, or a moped (they're a little fuzzy about what's alive on Earth), or maybe have you for dinner themselves.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:09 PM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
I'd tend toward the middle of that 2X2 grid, in (but not deep in) the "loves to eat" half and just over the "hates to cook" line. I like to try new things but can get by with eating nearly the same thing every day for months. And super-easy-quick prep is my jam; probably my favorite food that I prepare myself is Instant Pot chili, a variation of a recipe that I've made for decades which includes two cans of Ro-Tel and my participation takes about half an hour before it simmers for three hours.
That having been said, this stuff looks like what the aliens feed you while they're trying to decide between giving you superpowers, turning you into a cyborg (with or without superpowers), using a teleporter to merge you with another Earth lifeform such as an ocelot, a fir, or a moped (they're a little fuzzy about what's alive on Earth), or maybe have you for dinner themselves.
posted by Halloween Jack at 1:09 PM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
Group 1: Loves to eat, loves to cook
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
It would be interesting to know if there are any correlations between these groups and the Big Five or the MBTI or something like that.
posted by clawsoon at 1:09 PM on February 25, 2022
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
It would be interesting to know if there are any correlations between these groups and the Big Five or the MBTI or something like that.
posted by clawsoon at 1:09 PM on February 25, 2022
Way back in 1996 or so, a male friend of mine who lived alone said he'd pay good money if Purina sold "Human Chow" just so he wouldn't have to deal with figuring out what to eat—by himself—so often. I told him about Soylent Green and we laughed about the idea. This was way before Soylent or Huel existed.
This guy liked food generally, but wasn't a gourmet. He lived in a tiny studio apartment with a crummy kitchen, so cooking for just himself wasn't appealing at all. And he didn't want to eat trashy fast food all the time, for health reasons. He wanted to eat a balanced diet, but it's not that simple when living alone and not being raised to cook all that much. Plus, money was tight—we were in our mid 20s and were working hotel service jobs. And beer was expensive!
I could see having stuff like this as a supplement to my regular food intake. I'm not fussy about texture and flavor, and if it was genuinely healthful ingredients that I knew I could throw in a bag and take to work and just chew down with a big glass of water for lunch once in a while? I'd do it.
Agreed that this should have been written by someone else. This article seemed like a bunch of posturing around something the writer was never going to give a decent chance in the first place. I learned more about the writer than I did about the square food.
Still—thanks for the interesting post. I appreciate reading about things like this.
posted by SoberHighland at 1:10 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
This guy liked food generally, but wasn't a gourmet. He lived in a tiny studio apartment with a crummy kitchen, so cooking for just himself wasn't appealing at all. And he didn't want to eat trashy fast food all the time, for health reasons. He wanted to eat a balanced diet, but it's not that simple when living alone and not being raised to cook all that much. Plus, money was tight—we were in our mid 20s and were working hotel service jobs. And beer was expensive!
I could see having stuff like this as a supplement to my regular food intake. I'm not fussy about texture and flavor, and if it was genuinely healthful ingredients that I knew I could throw in a bag and take to work and just chew down with a big glass of water for lunch once in a while? I'd do it.
Agreed that this should have been written by someone else. This article seemed like a bunch of posturing around something the writer was never going to give a decent chance in the first place. I learned more about the writer than I did about the square food.
Still—thanks for the interesting post. I appreciate reading about things like this.
posted by SoberHighland at 1:10 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Agreed that this should have been written by someone else.
FWIW the writer didn't request these at all, much less for the purposes of writing a takedown review. They thought they were getting a regular meal subscription, it sounds like, and then once they had these 1) could not unload them or return them, 2) were a bit curious, and 3) didn't want them to just go entirely to waste.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
FWIW the writer didn't request these at all, much less for the purposes of writing a takedown review. They thought they were getting a regular meal subscription, it sounds like, and then once they had these 1) could not unload them or return them, 2) were a bit curious, and 3) didn't want them to just go entirely to waste.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 1:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
Those squares actually look somewhat appetizing to me because my brain registers them as mochi.
posted by Platypus3333 at 1:23 PM on February 25, 2022 [20 favorites]
posted by Platypus3333 at 1:23 PM on February 25, 2022 [20 favorites]
Q: Do food pills or Bachelor Chow exist? Is there a basic food that will supply all required nutrients?
I'm pleasantly surprised that my question about bachelor/monkey chow isn't included in that list of links, because I know I definitely asked the question at one point many years ago.
I've come to the solution that if I really want "bachelor chow" it can be as simple as throwing whole oats in a bowl and whipping the hell out of it with a fork to make some oat milk and then add cold cereal or something to that, and then maybe eat a few spoonfuls of peanut butter right out of the jar.
I love cooking and I love good food and I'm good at both cooking and eating them and don't really have any restrictions or special needs or food aversion.
I also am in that rare class where I seem to like cooking itself more than actually eating (and I love eating, hah) and get a lot of joy out of cooking for other people, but when it comes to feeding just myself it's not as fun as cooking for other people and I say "fuck it" and can happily feed myself on weird combos like a baked potato and a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter sandwich, or snack out of hand on whatever is easy.
One of my go-to super easy and boring meals or snacks is to throw like 4-6 potatoes in the toaster oven, bake them off on a timer and then put them in the fridge to cool off, then I'll snack on them out of hand plain like an apple, maybe with a pinch of salt.
But I also think that cooking can be a huge chore. And I wouldn't mind 50s science fiction food like a meal replacement in a pill or something easy and transportable, if only to have something easy and portable for going on adventures, hikes or camping.
Figuring out what to feed yourself on a backpacking trip and carrying it around is often a non-figurative pain in the ass and can take up half or more of the weight of a backpacker's pack for a multi-day trip.
As such I'm definitely a fan of freeze dried meals or low prep meals, MREs and other portable options. Mountain House meals are pretty fancy these days and pack well, and I try to keep a stock of them as emergency food supplies. Every so often I have one for dinner to rotate my stock and because I just don't feel like even making a sandwich and I'm tired of super easy food like cold cereal or oats and that sort of thing.
Anyway, I definitely don't mind very plain boring food as fuel as an option. I wouldn't hate boring food pills that just skip over the whole idea of what a meal is. It's already not uncommon I'll eat really boring or outright unappetizing food just because it's easy and it's there.
I think personally the line for me is stuff like Huel or Soylent because I don't like the texture of drinking my meals and I might as well just eat food pills or a even chew on a handful of uncooked oats like I'm a horse or a goat or something. But that's me.
posted by loquacious at 1:29 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm pleasantly surprised that my question about bachelor/monkey chow isn't included in that list of links, because I know I definitely asked the question at one point many years ago.
I've come to the solution that if I really want "bachelor chow" it can be as simple as throwing whole oats in a bowl and whipping the hell out of it with a fork to make some oat milk and then add cold cereal or something to that, and then maybe eat a few spoonfuls of peanut butter right out of the jar.
I love cooking and I love good food and I'm good at both cooking and eating them and don't really have any restrictions or special needs or food aversion.
I also am in that rare class where I seem to like cooking itself more than actually eating (and I love eating, hah) and get a lot of joy out of cooking for other people, but when it comes to feeding just myself it's not as fun as cooking for other people and I say "fuck it" and can happily feed myself on weird combos like a baked potato and a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter sandwich, or snack out of hand on whatever is easy.
One of my go-to super easy and boring meals or snacks is to throw like 4-6 potatoes in the toaster oven, bake them off on a timer and then put them in the fridge to cool off, then I'll snack on them out of hand plain like an apple, maybe with a pinch of salt.
But I also think that cooking can be a huge chore. And I wouldn't mind 50s science fiction food like a meal replacement in a pill or something easy and transportable, if only to have something easy and portable for going on adventures, hikes or camping.
Figuring out what to feed yourself on a backpacking trip and carrying it around is often a non-figurative pain in the ass and can take up half or more of the weight of a backpacker's pack for a multi-day trip.
As such I'm definitely a fan of freeze dried meals or low prep meals, MREs and other portable options. Mountain House meals are pretty fancy these days and pack well, and I try to keep a stock of them as emergency food supplies. Every so often I have one for dinner to rotate my stock and because I just don't feel like even making a sandwich and I'm tired of super easy food like cold cereal or oats and that sort of thing.
Anyway, I definitely don't mind very plain boring food as fuel as an option. I wouldn't hate boring food pills that just skip over the whole idea of what a meal is. It's already not uncommon I'll eat really boring or outright unappetizing food just because it's easy and it's there.
I think personally the line for me is stuff like Huel or Soylent because I don't like the texture of drinking my meals and I might as well just eat food pills or a even chew on a handful of uncooked oats like I'm a horse or a goat or something. But that's me.
posted by loquacious at 1:29 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
I have known a fair share of these (and lived with one). And in my experience, tragically, it is often : "Hates that they cannot make themselves not want to eat, loves to bake/cook elaborate meals for a vicarious thrill at watching other people eat what they have convinced themselves they cannot have."
It's a depressing scene.
posted by thivaia at 1:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I have known a fair share of these (and lived with one). And in my experience, tragically, it is often : "Hates that they cannot make themselves not want to eat, loves to bake/cook elaborate meals for a vicarious thrill at watching other people eat what they have convinced themselves they cannot have."
It's a depressing scene.
posted by thivaia at 1:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Group 1: Loves to eat, loves to cook
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
You are missing the third axis of if the person hates to clean up or doesn’t mind it. I am strongly Group 1, but my love of cooking is tempered by my constant dismay at having to do the dishes, yet again. I adjust cooking methods and plating and even how I put away leftovers with an eye not toward taste or enjoyment but towards how few dishes I will have to wash, how little splatter there is the wipe up. It sucks and seriously cuts into the cooking fun and eating satisfaction. Probably my most consistent life dream is to find a partner who will always wash up if I have cooked.
With the third axis you get:
Loves to eat, loves to cook, happy to clean - become a professional chef asap, probably into baking
Loves to eat, loves to cook, hates to clean - foodie status quo afaik
Loves to eat, hates to cook, happy to clean - I would buy you a cute apron that says it’s made of boyfriend material that you can wear doing the dishes, also likely to be the child of a single mother
Loves to eat, hates to cook, hates to clean - hedonists and lads
Hates to eat, loves to cook, happy to clean - process nerds who get into the nitty gritty about flavor science
Hates to eat, loves to cook, hates to clean - mavericks or people who just love to impress other people with their knife skills
Hates to eat, hates to cook, happy to clean - excellent roommate qualities, tbh, might actually be the audience for these food units???
Hates to eat, hates to cook, hates to clean - doing life on extra hard difficulty, either in desperate need of rebalancing their life or a depressed teen
posted by Mizu at 1:37 PM on February 25, 2022 [22 favorites]
Group 2: Loves to eat, hates to cook
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
Group 4: Hates to eat, hates to cook
You are missing the third axis of if the person hates to clean up or doesn’t mind it. I am strongly Group 1, but my love of cooking is tempered by my constant dismay at having to do the dishes, yet again. I adjust cooking methods and plating and even how I put away leftovers with an eye not toward taste or enjoyment but towards how few dishes I will have to wash, how little splatter there is the wipe up. It sucks and seriously cuts into the cooking fun and eating satisfaction. Probably my most consistent life dream is to find a partner who will always wash up if I have cooked.
With the third axis you get:
Loves to eat, loves to cook, happy to clean - become a professional chef asap, probably into baking
Loves to eat, loves to cook, hates to clean - foodie status quo afaik
Loves to eat, hates to cook, happy to clean - I would buy you a cute apron that says it’s made of boyfriend material that you can wear doing the dishes, also likely to be the child of a single mother
Loves to eat, hates to cook, hates to clean - hedonists and lads
Hates to eat, loves to cook, happy to clean - process nerds who get into the nitty gritty about flavor science
Hates to eat, loves to cook, hates to clean - mavericks or people who just love to impress other people with their knife skills
Hates to eat, hates to cook, happy to clean - excellent roommate qualities, tbh, might actually be the audience for these food units???
Hates to eat, hates to cook, hates to clean - doing life on extra hard difficulty, either in desperate need of rebalancing their life or a depressed teen
posted by Mizu at 1:37 PM on February 25, 2022 [22 favorites]
I'm a 2, but so so luckily married to a 1. we love food, love eating, love the social aspects of cooking and eating with others (when safe to do so!). food is much more than just fuel to me, and texture...matters. my personal dystopian nightmare is a future in which there is nothing to eat but such things. (I've been reading the Expanse books and think a lot about the abysmal food options available on the ships, for the Belters etc.,)
posted by supermedusa at 1:37 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 1:37 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I can only assume that these were invited by the Earl of SquarEats so that he would have a convenient food to eat while playing cards.
posted by taltalim at 1:38 PM on February 25, 2022 [21 favorites]
posted by taltalim at 1:38 PM on February 25, 2022 [21 favorites]
I am a 'happy to clean' 2!! this works out really well with all sorts of 1s. "I'll clean if you feed me" is like a magic incantation.
posted by supermedusa at 1:41 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 1:41 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
this should have been written by someone else
That's the same argument made by fans of whatever franchise when a professional reviewer has the temerity not to rave about the latest tentpole movie, and it's just as problematic. You shouldn't have to be a member of the fan club to have an opinion on something you've actually tried. Disliking it on its (lack of) merits isn't a disqualification from expressing that opinion.
posted by fedward at 1:43 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
That's the same argument made by fans of whatever franchise when a professional reviewer has the temerity not to rave about the latest tentpole movie, and it's just as problematic. You shouldn't have to be a member of the fan club to have an opinion on something you've actually tried. Disliking it on its (lack of) merits isn't a disqualification from expressing that opinion.
posted by fedward at 1:43 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
For those interested in “Bachelor Chow”, I give you…
The Monkey Chow Diaries (2006-era blog)
posted by rozcakj at 1:49 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
The Monkey Chow Diaries (2006-era blog)
posted by rozcakj at 1:49 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
Loves to eat, hates to cook, hates to clean - hedonists and lads
That's me sorted, then!
posted by praemunire at 1:52 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
That's me sorted, then!
posted by praemunire at 1:52 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
I'm pleasantly surprised that my question about bachelor/monkey chow isn't included in that list of links, because I know I definitely asked the question at one point many years ago.
I came in here and immediately grepped the whole conversation for the words "monkey chow" in the hopes that I could be the person who reminds us that the Monkey Chow Diaries existed, the story of a man who decided to subsist on nutritionally complete monkey pellets as long as he could. I guess I've missed my window.
I can't find the original videos anymore, which despite being a chronology of a man's decision to sink into dietary despair were hilarious.
posted by mhoye at 1:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I came in here and immediately grepped the whole conversation for the words "monkey chow" in the hopes that I could be the person who reminds us that the Monkey Chow Diaries existed, the story of a man who decided to subsist on nutritionally complete monkey pellets as long as he could. I guess I've missed my window.
I can't find the original videos anymore, which despite being a chronology of a man's decision to sink into dietary despair were hilarious.
posted by mhoye at 1:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I also am in that rare class where I seem to like cooking itself more than actually eating (and I love eating, hah) and get a lot of joy out of cooking for other people, but when it comes to feeding just myself it's not as fun as cooking for other people and I say "fuck it" and can happily feed myself on weird combos like a baked potato and a bowl of cereal or a peanut butter sandwich, or snack out of hand on whatever is easy.
This exactly. Cooking just for me is rarely worth the prep and cleanup on a workday night, and like the cereal is RIGHT THERE.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:00 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
This exactly. Cooking just for me is rarely worth the prep and cleanup on a workday night, and like the cereal is RIGHT THERE.
posted by ApathyGirl at 2:00 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Loves to eat, hates to cook, happy to clean - I would buy you a cute apron that says it’s made of boyfriend material that you can wear doing the dishes, also likely to be the child of a single mother
Yes, another Phenotype 2 subgroup 1 over here, I suppose. I was thinking of the cleaning phenotypes as being separate but interacting (I'll try to have my Punnetts ready for the next big housework thread, lol). And yes, eldest child of a single mother, which I feel is some kind of critical factor for nonsense reasons.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:15 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Yes, another Phenotype 2 subgroup 1 over here, I suppose. I was thinking of the cleaning phenotypes as being separate but interacting (I'll try to have my Punnetts ready for the next big housework thread, lol). And yes, eldest child of a single mother, which I feel is some kind of critical factor for nonsense reasons.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:15 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
When my house is moderately busy, we run out of spoons and bowls before the dishwasher is full, because we've been living on just oats. Busier, we only run out of spoons, because we've been living on "one huge spoonful of peanut butter when famished".
We haven't yet reached "one open jar of peanut butter per inhabitant, reuse your spoon" but it's always a possibility.
We may order some Meal Squares, they sound bland but fine.
posted by clew at 2:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
We haven't yet reached "one open jar of peanut butter per inhabitant, reuse your spoon" but it's always a possibility.
We may order some Meal Squares, they sound bland but fine.
posted by clew at 2:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I am drinking Soylent as I read this, and genuinely the thing I'm dreading most about returning to the office is having to start having Lunch Ideas again
When I am at home I can have homemade Soylent or a bunch of yogurt with broccoli or a protein shake or any other meal that does not look like a meal to other humans, and going back to the office will mean I need to pack things that look like a lunch (sandwich, yogurt cup, fruit, etc) because if I don't then suddenly my lunch becomes a subject of discussion and I'm the oddity who eats a weird lunch. I would not eat the food that is the subject of this post for office lunch because it would result in the same your-food-is-weird reactions.
posted by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on February 25, 2022
When I am at home I can have homemade Soylent or a bunch of yogurt with broccoli or a protein shake or any other meal that does not look like a meal to other humans, and going back to the office will mean I need to pack things that look like a lunch (sandwich, yogurt cup, fruit, etc) because if I don't then suddenly my lunch becomes a subject of discussion and I'm the oddity who eats a weird lunch. I would not eat the food that is the subject of this post for office lunch because it would result in the same your-food-is-weird reactions.
posted by Anonymous at 2:24 PM on February 25, 2022
I'm pleasantly surprised that my question about bachelor/monkey chow isn't included in that list of links, because I know I definitely asked the question at one point many years ago.
The closest one I can find is Cheap milk replacement for cereal? In a bulk dry mix?, which is close, but not an exact match.
posted by zamboni at 2:24 PM on February 25, 2022
The closest one I can find is Cheap milk replacement for cereal? In a bulk dry mix?, which is close, but not an exact match.
posted by zamboni at 2:24 PM on February 25, 2022
Here's me on the Straight Dope Message Boards from the unimaginable year 2001:
Why don’t they make People Kibble?
posted by MrVisible at 2:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Why don’t they make People Kibble?
posted by MrVisible at 2:35 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
It does solve the problem of “how can we get more plastic into our waste stream?”
posted by brachiopod at 2:41 PM on February 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
posted by brachiopod at 2:41 PM on February 25, 2022 [18 favorites]
Interestingly enough, "people kibble" and "bachelor chow" have an ancestor - in M.F.K. Fisher's book How To Cook A Wolf, her book about eating and meal planning while on a very slim budget (it was written during the rationing days in World War II), she has a chapter titled "How To Stay Alive", which was directed at those for whom the shit had really hit the fan moneywise. In it she had the following advice:
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [25 favorites]
Let us take for granted that the situation, while uncomfortable, is definitely impermanent and can be coped with. The first thing to do, if you have absolutely no money, is to borrow some…As soon as you have procured fifty cents, find some kind soul who will let you use a stove…buy about fifteen cents’ worth ground beef from a reputable butcher…about ten cents’ worth of whole grain cereal…(and) spend the rest of your money on vegetables.She then describes how to turn those ingredients into a simple cook-everything-together mush she calls "sludge", which she suggests can at least keep you going for a few days. It's not meant to be gourmet, it's emergency eating, meant to keep you from starving completely. It can use the cheapest ingredients, even those half-price just-past-ripe part of your supermarket. Another modern flood blogger attempted it here, and says it's not bad; maybe "sludge" is a decent option for bachelor chow?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [25 favorites]
Fascinating. I really don't understand why survivialists need something other than 50 pound bags of rice and beans, some multivitamin pills, and salt. Maybe some furikake to be fancy. It's not the diet I would choose. . . but, it will keep you alive for months and costs something like 20USD/month. (My underground bunker is also going to include some astronaut ice cream from the museum gift shop. But, not 'cause it's important.)
I just read a book called Losing the Garden , which is a memoir by a woman who lived with her husband for almost 30 years on a no-running water, no-electricity, no-plumbing homestead in Vermont, until his death in the year 2000. I highly recommend the book, though one reason it made an impact on me is that it spoke to several things in my life that are not universal; other people might well read it and think, "Huh. That was OK."
Anyway, the husband was a compulsive planner and record-keeper, so one of the things she had after his death were accountings of, say, how much maple syrup they got from each of their trees each year, how much wood they cut and stacked, exactly how many rows of Brussels sprouts they planted each summer in the garden.
They were very isolated on purpose, for instance, parking their car a mile from the homestead so that to come or go in winter one had to snowshoe that mile. They did it all the time, though—they volunteered at the library three afternoons a week, and they were mountain climbers who also taught climbing and cared for a portion of the Appalachian Trail. I was impressed by how many friends they had who were willing to snowshoe a mile each way in order to drop in. I have some devoted friends, but...
On the other hand, their friends tended to also be the kind of people who climbed rocks and mountains and spent whole summers on the AT. My friends are more like, "Hey, Well I never, we're lounging at the gay nude beach in Greece, drinking some cocktails." They will be happy to treat me to a soup-to-nuts dinner out with drinks, but they are not mushing a mile in the Vermont snow only to have to go to an outhouse when nature calls.
Anyway, she mentions at various points that friends tend to bring food to them when they visit, because they rely so much on what they can grow, and have very little cash to buy what they can't grow. She mentions that ice cream, when it shows up, is a particular pleasure.
At one point, she's referring to one of her husband's year-end statistical summaries of their eating: how many loaves of bread she baked that year, how many potatoes they harvested, how many jars of jam she put up. And there in the list is:
Ben & Jerry's: 157 pints.
Elsewhere, it sounded like ice cream was this extremely rare treat they indulged in from time to time when the stars and planets arrived. When, actually, they were going through a pint, on average, every 55 hours.
This couple would approve of astronaut ice cream in the survival bunker, I feel sure.
posted by Well I never at 2:54 PM on February 25, 2022 [44 favorites]
I just read a book called Losing the Garden , which is a memoir by a woman who lived with her husband for almost 30 years on a no-running water, no-electricity, no-plumbing homestead in Vermont, until his death in the year 2000. I highly recommend the book, though one reason it made an impact on me is that it spoke to several things in my life that are not universal; other people might well read it and think, "Huh. That was OK."
Anyway, the husband was a compulsive planner and record-keeper, so one of the things she had after his death were accountings of, say, how much maple syrup they got from each of their trees each year, how much wood they cut and stacked, exactly how many rows of Brussels sprouts they planted each summer in the garden.
They were very isolated on purpose, for instance, parking their car a mile from the homestead so that to come or go in winter one had to snowshoe that mile. They did it all the time, though—they volunteered at the library three afternoons a week, and they were mountain climbers who also taught climbing and cared for a portion of the Appalachian Trail. I was impressed by how many friends they had who were willing to snowshoe a mile each way in order to drop in. I have some devoted friends, but...
On the other hand, their friends tended to also be the kind of people who climbed rocks and mountains and spent whole summers on the AT. My friends are more like, "Hey, Well I never, we're lounging at the gay nude beach in Greece, drinking some cocktails." They will be happy to treat me to a soup-to-nuts dinner out with drinks, but they are not mushing a mile in the Vermont snow only to have to go to an outhouse when nature calls.
Anyway, she mentions at various points that friends tend to bring food to them when they visit, because they rely so much on what they can grow, and have very little cash to buy what they can't grow. She mentions that ice cream, when it shows up, is a particular pleasure.
At one point, she's referring to one of her husband's year-end statistical summaries of their eating: how many loaves of bread she baked that year, how many potatoes they harvested, how many jars of jam she put up. And there in the list is:
Ben & Jerry's: 157 pints.
Elsewhere, it sounded like ice cream was this extremely rare treat they indulged in from time to time when the stars and planets arrived. When, actually, they were going through a pint, on average, every 55 hours.
This couple would approve of astronaut ice cream in the survival bunker, I feel sure.
posted by Well I never at 2:54 PM on February 25, 2022 [44 favorites]
I used to make a vegetarian sludge out of red lentils, sauteed onions and semolina, inspired by but not as good as rava upma because it didn't have the ghee, spices or nuts. You basically sauteed your onions, bloomed your spices and added your water, semolina and lentils, then cooked til done. Sometimes I used upma-ish spices, sometimes other mixtures. You'd have a big bowl of hot, savory stuff with a good amount of fiber and fat.
Actually that sounds kind of good right now.
posted by Frowner at 2:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
Actually that sounds kind of good right now.
posted by Frowner at 2:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [14 favorites]
The 20-meal plan costs around $250, or $12.50 a meal. The meals are six of those little squares, about 300-400 calories total, so really you need to eat six of those a day to fulfill reasonable dietary meeds.
In other words, if you tried to live on these you’d be paying $75 a day for these dystopian food squares. (Or $37.50 for three “meals” that might enough to satisfy a toddler.)
posted by madcaptenor at 3:15 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
In other words, if you tried to live on these you’d be paying $75 a day for these dystopian food squares. (Or $37.50 for three “meals” that might enough to satisfy a toddler.)
posted by madcaptenor at 3:15 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
"What if I told you we could transform regular food...into squares?"
I’ll call it...waffle!
posted by Thorzdad at 3:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
I’ll call it...waffle!
posted by Thorzdad at 3:18 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
The meals are six of those little squares, about 300-400 calories total, so really you need to eat six of those a day to fulfill reasonable dietary meeds.
UGH of course, that's why the author's conclusion about calorie control and food anxiety makes sense. These people are operating on that arbitrary "1200 calories a day" standard that the diet industry just looooooooooves.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
UGH of course, that's why the author's conclusion about calorie control and food anxiety makes sense. These people are operating on that arbitrary "1200 calories a day" standard that the diet industry just looooooooooves.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]
because if I don't then suddenly my lunch becomes a subject of discussion and I'm the oddity who eats a weird lunch.
You're right, this is a big part of my not feeling like my regular Soylent is a live option for office lunch! Maybe we need an additional axis on the food personality chart: loves to talk about food and food choices/hates to talk about food and food choices.
posted by babelfish at 3:33 PM on February 25, 2022
You're right, this is a big part of my not feeling like my regular Soylent is a live option for office lunch! Maybe we need an additional axis on the food personality chart: loves to talk about food and food choices/hates to talk about food and food choices.
posted by babelfish at 3:33 PM on February 25, 2022
The best description I can find for their goal seems to be “baby food congealed into a loaf,” which is admittedly not very appealing
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:39 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by DoctorFedora at 3:39 PM on February 25, 2022 [6 favorites]
I think once you run food through a grinder and pour it into a mold, you've officially left the earthly plan and entered the otherworldly sphere of industrial food design...
I mean, sure, it's easy to off-handedly shit on thousands of years of food preservation techniques, like, say, sausage, potted and preserved meats, terrines, and pates. Then again, I find myself a little suspicious of people who live "deep in the woods" but subsist off of "pasta and oats," two things which are pretty heavily processed and more than likely involve a crap ton more food miles than they'd like to think about.
That disgruntled sausage-making, food-preserving rant off of my chest, honestly, I liked the article (the above aside), and I can honestly see myself having the same reaction. As the writer said, the food cubes were fully uncanny valley. Texture is kind of a big deal with me when it comes to food, and there are textures that I love and textures I hate, but going from a familiar, expected texture to "rice, but in cube form" would likely be offputting if not upsetting.
It makes sense that the proteins are somewhat closer to the "real" thing, as those are essentially high end chicken nuggets, sold for an exorbitant mark-up. Meat takes to being chopped up and reformed, but I imagine the science/tech geniuses went with lean meat/starch as a binder, creating something unholy and unpleasant, whereas if they'd used the traditional fat-as-binder, they might have achieved something close to tasty, and included enough calories to make the cubes worth taking the time to eat.
Veggie-cakes? Weird partially textured cubes of unseasoned veggie? Hard pass. Without the suggestions the writer had, like added flavor, combining veggies, it just sounds like an idea spearheaded by someone with a lot of complicated issues with food. Add that to the kind of wealth necessary to get something from thought to design to creating and shipping, and we've entered a space where someone with odd/non-standard connection to a standard part of life gets to act like some sort of savior like figure, which is my least favorite aspect of tech-bro/finance-bro economics.
Little shout out to Medium for not allowing me to copy and paste text from their site without a membership/signing up. Of all the paywalls out there, that's gotta be the most weirdly annoying, yet mostly pointless ones I've seen.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
I mean, sure, it's easy to off-handedly shit on thousands of years of food preservation techniques, like, say, sausage, potted and preserved meats, terrines, and pates. Then again, I find myself a little suspicious of people who live "deep in the woods" but subsist off of "pasta and oats," two things which are pretty heavily processed and more than likely involve a crap ton more food miles than they'd like to think about.
That disgruntled sausage-making, food-preserving rant off of my chest, honestly, I liked the article (the above aside), and I can honestly see myself having the same reaction. As the writer said, the food cubes were fully uncanny valley. Texture is kind of a big deal with me when it comes to food, and there are textures that I love and textures I hate, but going from a familiar, expected texture to "rice, but in cube form" would likely be offputting if not upsetting.
It makes sense that the proteins are somewhat closer to the "real" thing, as those are essentially high end chicken nuggets, sold for an exorbitant mark-up. Meat takes to being chopped up and reformed, but I imagine the science/tech geniuses went with lean meat/starch as a binder, creating something unholy and unpleasant, whereas if they'd used the traditional fat-as-binder, they might have achieved something close to tasty, and included enough calories to make the cubes worth taking the time to eat.
Veggie-cakes? Weird partially textured cubes of unseasoned veggie? Hard pass. Without the suggestions the writer had, like added flavor, combining veggies, it just sounds like an idea spearheaded by someone with a lot of complicated issues with food. Add that to the kind of wealth necessary to get something from thought to design to creating and shipping, and we've entered a space where someone with odd/non-standard connection to a standard part of life gets to act like some sort of savior like figure, which is my least favorite aspect of tech-bro/finance-bro economics.
Little shout out to Medium for not allowing me to copy and paste text from their site without a membership/signing up. Of all the paywalls out there, that's gotta be the most weirdly annoying, yet mostly pointless ones I've seen.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
Maybe we need an additional axis on the food personality chart: loves to talk about food and food choices/hates to talk about food and food choices.
Four axes?? Now we’re getting into Meyers-Briggs style acronym quackery; I love it. 16 food personality types. We can make pithy little illustrations of each type with cute names and pretend we know what celebrities and famous dead people would fall under and then make all prospective meal partners take a quiz before engaging with them.
posted by Mizu at 3:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [23 favorites]
Four axes?? Now we’re getting into Meyers-Briggs style acronym quackery; I love it. 16 food personality types. We can make pithy little illustrations of each type with cute names and pretend we know what celebrities and famous dead people would fall under and then make all prospective meal partners take a quiz before engaging with them.
posted by Mizu at 3:44 PM on February 25, 2022 [23 favorites]
I like to cook, but us humans have to eat so much and so often that it's a chore. And cooking for myself is one thing, but cooking for my wife and two kids? Three plus times a day? And I have to make sure it's healthy, and it should should of course be tasty, and I need to mix it up with some variety so it doesn't get boring or repetitive, and I need to keep everyones likes and dislikes in mind...
And do all of that three times a day, every day, indefinitely. Yeah.
Meals are honestly the most exhausting part of parenting. At least the most relentless. So for me, I'm totally down with this soylent, at least part of the time, though it would be a hard sell to the rest of my family.
posted by zardoz at 4:12 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
And do all of that three times a day, every day, indefinitely. Yeah.
Meals are honestly the most exhausting part of parenting. At least the most relentless. So for me, I'm totally down with this soylent, at least part of the time, though it would be a hard sell to the rest of my family.
posted by zardoz at 4:12 PM on February 25, 2022 [7 favorites]
oats […] are pretty heavily processed
??
Possibly steamed and rolled. Possibly sliced up. Possibly neither. In bulk, no one wants more than that because more processing makes them worse keepers.
Even pasta is an old low-tech approach to food preservation and fuel reduction, like sausage making.
Cooked carbs are how we tamed wolves! Carbs rock!
posted by clew at 4:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
??
Possibly steamed and rolled. Possibly sliced up. Possibly neither. In bulk, no one wants more than that because more processing makes them worse keepers.
Even pasta is an old low-tech approach to food preservation and fuel reduction, like sausage making.
Cooked carbs are how we tamed wolves! Carbs rock!
posted by clew at 4:19 PM on February 25, 2022 [3 favorites]
??
Sorry, I was just thinking of the "process" of getting them from the field to the bulk container. Pasta, yes, super processed, but I'm not, in any way, against carbs (delicious carbs). I was just put off by a comment that, to my mind, maybe the writer didn't give necessarily a lot of thought into just how much of the baby they were throwing out with the bathwater.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:34 PM on February 25, 2022
Sorry, I was just thinking of the "process" of getting them from the field to the bulk container. Pasta, yes, super processed, but I'm not, in any way, against carbs (delicious carbs). I was just put off by a comment that, to my mind, maybe the writer didn't give necessarily a lot of thought into just how much of the baby they were throwing out with the bathwater.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:34 PM on February 25, 2022
We can make pithy little illustrations of each type with cute names
One of them is clearly the snake: People who wish they could eat one big meal and then forget about it for the next six months.
posted by clawsoon at 4:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
One of them is clearly the snake: People who wish they could eat one big meal and then forget about it for the next six months.
posted by clawsoon at 4:57 PM on February 25, 2022 [13 favorites]
Group 3: Hates to eat, loves to cook (rarest phenotype in my experience but def exists)
I often fall into this category, especially when the cooking involves a long process. After smelling and tasting a dish for hours, by the time it's ready to serve I have no enthusiasm left for actually consuming it. I reached a peak in this category last Thanksgiving, when I prepared pies and turkey and side dishes, and somehow managed to go from "putting out food to be served" to "packing away leftovers" while skipping over the essential detail of "telling people food is ready and serving it at the table". A certain amount of fatigue was involved, along with a considerable amount of wine.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:27 PM on February 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
I often fall into this category, especially when the cooking involves a long process. After smelling and tasting a dish for hours, by the time it's ready to serve I have no enthusiasm left for actually consuming it. I reached a peak in this category last Thanksgiving, when I prepared pies and turkey and side dishes, and somehow managed to go from "putting out food to be served" to "packing away leftovers" while skipping over the essential detail of "telling people food is ready and serving it at the table". A certain amount of fatigue was involved, along with a considerable amount of wine.
posted by Daily Alice at 5:27 PM on February 25, 2022 [16 favorites]
I have a preteen who is medicated for rampant ADHD. Being able to throw a good cube at them that is inoffensive and nutritional would be amazing. Granola bars suffer texture or taste shifts, yoghurt + a fibre is okay sometimes, peanut butter by the spoonful also okay, so cube food would be an addition to the morning roster.
I am definitely a person who loves to eat and I really enjoy cooking. But it's tiresome when you have strong preferences/allergies. The best cooking I do it with my partner, which my kid referred to as "you pair eat like raccoons" in which we have one major allergy (soy) but pretty much everything else is fair game. We made random salads, roasted things, he made wonderfully weird sandwiches from a range of things. But if it's just me and the kid? Ugh. It's a small rotation of types of food (pasta, rice, noodles) and flavours and textures*. Having food cubes makes sense for a kid who is going through seemingly endless growth spurts, and has a weirdly specific set of dislikes.
*I complain but the reality is they are a wide and varied eater, and far more adventurous than many adults, it's just...I'm a racoon and they dislike zucchini and coriander and capsicum and cooked carrots and it's a set of restrictions not my own, that I don't understand, and have to work around.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:28 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am definitely a person who loves to eat and I really enjoy cooking. But it's tiresome when you have strong preferences/allergies. The best cooking I do it with my partner, which my kid referred to as "you pair eat like raccoons" in which we have one major allergy (soy) but pretty much everything else is fair game. We made random salads, roasted things, he made wonderfully weird sandwiches from a range of things. But if it's just me and the kid? Ugh. It's a small rotation of types of food (pasta, rice, noodles) and flavours and textures*. Having food cubes makes sense for a kid who is going through seemingly endless growth spurts, and has a weirdly specific set of dislikes.
*I complain but the reality is they are a wide and varied eater, and far more adventurous than many adults, it's just...I'm a racoon and they dislike zucchini and coriander and capsicum and cooked carrots and it's a set of restrictions not my own, that I don't understand, and have to work around.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:28 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
In fact, zucchini is my go-to ingredient when I want a fast meal.
Zucchini. The mention made me gag a little.
Like many I used to make fun of those massive Zukes that everyone was desperately trying to give away at harvest season. But a few years ago we realized that they make an excellent veggie course when stir-fried not overmuch, and can be combined with many different things. So now I'll take your extra Zukes, thanks.
posted by ovvl at 6:33 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Zucchini. The mention made me gag a little.
Like many I used to make fun of those massive Zukes that everyone was desperately trying to give away at harvest season. But a few years ago we realized that they make an excellent veggie course when stir-fried not overmuch, and can be combined with many different things. So now I'll take your extra Zukes, thanks.
posted by ovvl at 6:33 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
Zucchini. The mention made me gag a little.
I deeply despise these terrible things. Spiteful cucumbers. Yet, recently, Mrs. Ghidorah found the kind of gadget that makes, essentially, spaghetti out of things. She cooked the strands like regular vegetables, mixed in some Chinese fermented chili sauce, and they were not only edible, but for the first time in my life, I honestly enjoyed eating zucchini. I guess the trick is to render them utterly unidentifiable as zucchini, which, going back to this nugget company, is where they failed. They seem to have made things purely as themselves, but in nugget form, and that's where they fail. No one (big sweeping statement) wants to eat a nugget of concentrated zucchini flavor with no salt, oil, or seasoning (I recognize that some of you might be okay with this, and I accept that, like I accept that there are people who like spiders, or dislike cats. I do not and cannot imagine understanding you, but we must learn to live with each other), but that's exactly what they seem to be producing: food as struggle, as some insult to the mind that the body requires, and if the body requires it, it should be reduced to the smallest, simplest way to endure.
And, just randomly, given the packaging, I'm guessing the nuggets are meant to be prepared sous vide...
posted by Ghidorah at 6:53 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I deeply despise these terrible things. Spiteful cucumbers. Yet, recently, Mrs. Ghidorah found the kind of gadget that makes, essentially, spaghetti out of things. She cooked the strands like regular vegetables, mixed in some Chinese fermented chili sauce, and they were not only edible, but for the first time in my life, I honestly enjoyed eating zucchini. I guess the trick is to render them utterly unidentifiable as zucchini, which, going back to this nugget company, is where they failed. They seem to have made things purely as themselves, but in nugget form, and that's where they fail. No one (big sweeping statement) wants to eat a nugget of concentrated zucchini flavor with no salt, oil, or seasoning (I recognize that some of you might be okay with this, and I accept that, like I accept that there are people who like spiders, or dislike cats. I do not and cannot imagine understanding you, but we must learn to live with each other), but that's exactly what they seem to be producing: food as struggle, as some insult to the mind that the body requires, and if the body requires it, it should be reduced to the smallest, simplest way to endure.
And, just randomly, given the packaging, I'm guessing the nuggets are meant to be prepared sous vide...
posted by Ghidorah at 6:53 PM on February 25, 2022 [4 favorites]
I feel that if you want highly processed little squares of food that you can prepare quickly in a pan, turnip cake is right _there_. You could combine them with slices of egg tofu!
I was curious about the sludge recipe, so I did a little calculation, and it'd be about 2.59 meat, 1.72 grain, 4.31 vege. You wouldn't get much ground beef, but if you got about to expire stuff you could get a pound of ground turkey or maybe pork, maybe a pound of steel cut oats, and a decent amount of vegetables. It would be pretty scant calories for 4 days, though, that's only about 4000 calories.
posted by tavella at 7:01 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I was curious about the sludge recipe, so I did a little calculation, and it'd be about 2.59 meat, 1.72 grain, 4.31 vege. You wouldn't get much ground beef, but if you got about to expire stuff you could get a pound of ground turkey or maybe pork, maybe a pound of steel cut oats, and a decent amount of vegetables. It would be pretty scant calories for 4 days, though, that's only about 4000 calories.
posted by tavella at 7:01 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
Grated zucchini in pancakes or waffles (squeeze out as much water as possible after grating, AND reduce other liquids a bit to compensate) is nigh undetectable...good for getting veggies into otherwise-resisting kids. Zucchini sliced lengthwise into long strips then marinated and grilled is pretty good - hell, just about anything marinated and grilled is good.
I haven't tried smoking zucchini, not sure whether that would work.* But savory vegetables like winter squash, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onion, any kind of peppers. etc. smoked at ~200°F for an hour or so then roasted or cooked in soups/stews/rice/pasta/polenta are truly excellent. Also olives, for snacks or hors d'oeuvres. Using a milder wood like apple, maple, or pecan works best so the flavor of the thing is enhanced rather than overwhelmed.
(There's a couple in my local circle of friends who went vegetarian a few years ago; when we had potluck dinners - back in The Before Times - figuring out how to provide an equivalent and enticing vegetarian offering that isn't just "X but leave out the meat" when I've otherwise made a (often smoked) meat-based entree for the other folks has been a fun learning experience. A couple of times, I've found myself enjoying the vegetarian entree just as much as the meat-based version!)
*How would you keep it lit? Hey-ohhhh!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I haven't tried smoking zucchini, not sure whether that would work.* But savory vegetables like winter squash, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, garlic, onion, any kind of peppers. etc. smoked at ~200°F for an hour or so then roasted or cooked in soups/stews/rice/pasta/polenta are truly excellent. Also olives, for snacks or hors d'oeuvres. Using a milder wood like apple, maple, or pecan works best so the flavor of the thing is enhanced rather than overwhelmed.
(There's a couple in my local circle of friends who went vegetarian a few years ago; when we had potluck dinners - back in The Before Times - figuring out how to provide an equivalent and enticing vegetarian offering that isn't just "X but leave out the meat" when I've otherwise made a (often smoked) meat-based entree for the other folks has been a fun learning experience. A couple of times, I've found myself enjoying the vegetarian entree just as much as the meat-based version!)
*How would you keep it lit? Hey-ohhhh!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:02 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I am drinking Soylent as I read this, and genuinely the thing I'm dreading most about returning to the office is having to start having Lunch Ideas again
I am a person who likes food and likes cooking, and I hate-with-a-passion the daily office lunch routine. There are many things I don't like about working from home, but not having to deal with office lunches is glorious.
Compared to sad office lunches, weird food squares seem like an almost ok option.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:05 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
I am a person who likes food and likes cooking, and I hate-with-a-passion the daily office lunch routine. There are many things I don't like about working from home, but not having to deal with office lunches is glorious.
Compared to sad office lunches, weird food squares seem like an almost ok option.
posted by Dip Flash at 8:05 PM on February 25, 2022 [2 favorites]
My partner wasn’t interested.Maybe try playing along at least a little? DTMFA
(...)
I let my partner know that I was making food units for dinner. He wasn’t thrilled about this, so I also made a robust salad.
He opted out of the squares entirely and ate the salad.
posted by The genius who rejected Anno's budget proposal. at 8:31 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I haven't tried smoking zucchini
just don't vape zucchini but yes you can.
posted by clavdivs at 8:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
just don't vape zucchini but yes you can.
posted by clavdivs at 8:55 PM on February 25, 2022 [8 favorites]
oh god zucchini vape smoke would annoy the absolute shit out of everyone, wouldn't it?
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:07 PM on February 25, 2022 [5 favorites]
(also known as "zaping")
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:32 PM on February 25, 2022 [10 favorites]
There's some exellent turns of phrase in that article.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:30 PM on February 25, 2022 [1 favorite]
I love to eat, love to cook, and prefer to minimize cooking utensils and clean those I do use as I cook, so that by the time the bake has been in the oven for ten minutes the kitchen is tidier than it was before I started cooking in it.
What drives me completely round the twist is having other people start announcing vociferously how hungry they are as soon as (but never before) cooking noises start to emanate from the kitchen, and then hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished, and abandon at least half of what they nicked out of the oven and drowned in tomato ketchup on a plate left lying around in the kitchen for "somebody else" to clean up, and then complain that their dinner wasn't very nice.
Why yes, I am a parent. How did you know?
Some days, the temptation to dump a huge carton of food squares in through the bedroom door and leave them to get on with it becomes quite strong.
posted by flabdablet at 11:50 PM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
What drives me completely round the twist is having other people start announcing vociferously how hungry they are as soon as (but never before) cooking noises start to emanate from the kitchen, and then hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished, and abandon at least half of what they nicked out of the oven and drowned in tomato ketchup on a plate left lying around in the kitchen for "somebody else" to clean up, and then complain that their dinner wasn't very nice.
Why yes, I am a parent. How did you know?
Some days, the temptation to dump a huge carton of food squares in through the bedroom door and leave them to get on with it becomes quite strong.
posted by flabdablet at 11:50 PM on February 25, 2022 [11 favorites]
last Thanksgiving, when I prepared pies and turkey and side dishes, and somehow managed to go from "putting out food to be served" to "packing away leftovers" while skipping over the essential detail of "telling people food is ready and serving it at the table".
I *love* this. Skip the thanksgiving dinner, go right to the thanksgiving leftovers, which is the best part.
posted by mikelieman at 3:36 AM on February 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I *love* this. Skip the thanksgiving dinner, go right to the thanksgiving leftovers, which is the best part.
posted by mikelieman at 3:36 AM on February 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
But these look like nonstop texture violations.
Best band name, evar!
posted by otherchaz at 4:02 AM on February 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
Best band name, evar!
posted by otherchaz at 4:02 AM on February 26, 2022 [7 favorites]
I laughed out loud more than once reading this. Prime snark!
This was the best: These reconstituted protein pellets reminded me of factory farming, but with more factory.
posted by chavenet at 5:50 AM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
This was the best: These reconstituted protein pellets reminded me of factory farming, but with more factory.
posted by chavenet at 5:50 AM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
So many great quotes here. Before reading the thread I'm just going to assume everyone has already quoted all the spectacular lines. Man, this was funny. A palate cleanser for my morning.
posted by liminal_shadows at 7:52 AM on February 26, 2022
posted by liminal_shadows at 7:52 AM on February 26, 2022
Here we are overthinking a plate of food unit cubes. We've come so far!
posted by srboisvert at 8:02 AM on February 26, 2022 [9 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 8:02 AM on February 26, 2022 [9 favorites]
I love cooking and love eating but I detest the "whatcha eating?" questions in the office breakroom so I've solved that problem by either 1. waiting until everyone else has vacated said breakroom so I can eat my lunch in peace, or 2. finding an empty office/quiet room to eat in, thereby skipping the breakroom altogether. I realize that option 1 might not work for anyone who has set break times but an additional bonus is that, as an introvert, I don't have to talk to anyone while enjoying my lunch.
Also, though we share a language, I cannot parse this sentence from flabdablet, who I'm assuming resides in the UK (please correct me if I'm wrong and please translate, thank you): hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished.
posted by cooker girl at 8:03 AM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Also, though we share a language, I cannot parse this sentence from flabdablet, who I'm assuming resides in the UK (please correct me if I'm wrong and please translate, thank you): hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished.
posted by cooker girl at 8:03 AM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Australia, but OK.
hoe into = serve up and eat large portions of, as if using a garden hoe for a serving and eating utensil
a bake = a lovingly prepared combination of ingredients, often cheese topped, placed in an oven to cook to browned and melty perfection
a good twenty minutes = at least twenty minutes
posted by flabdablet at 8:11 AM on February 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
hoe into = serve up and eat large portions of, as if using a garden hoe for a serving and eating utensil
a bake = a lovingly prepared combination of ingredients, often cheese topped, placed in an oven to cook to browned and melty perfection
a good twenty minutes = at least twenty minutes
posted by flabdablet at 8:11 AM on February 26, 2022 [10 favorites]
My 24-Hour Experiment With Dystopian Food Units.
Until I clicked on the link, I was kinda hoping this was going to be about sharing a fine dining experience with some Metric Martyrs.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:22 AM on February 26, 2022
Until I clicked on the link, I was kinda hoping this was going to be about sharing a fine dining experience with some Metric Martyrs.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 10:22 AM on February 26, 2022
hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished, and abandon at least half of what they nicked out of the oven and drowned in tomato ketchup on a plate left lying around in the kitchen for "somebody else" to clean up, and then complain that their dinner wasn't very nice.
Has this happened more than once?
posted by fedward at 11:19 AM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Has this happened more than once?
posted by fedward at 11:19 AM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
Often enough to drain all joy from cooking anything even vaguely complicated and/or slow on a regular basis.
I expect we'll be stuck on quick-prep meals here for some years yet.
posted by flabdablet at 11:24 AM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
I expect we'll be stuck on quick-prep meals here for some years yet.
posted by flabdablet at 11:24 AM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
Lego now comes in food form!
I feel now like I should write some story, about a Kellogg-esque cult that lives in the mountains, that believes that the change of form between food when it enters your body, and when it leaves it, is a symptom of deeply unhealthy processes, the result of your body's absorption of infernal textures, to be minimized as much as possible for good and wholesome health, and to whom these geometric food nuclei would need seen as a literal godsend. (That was one sentence.)
posted by JHarris at 12:53 PM on February 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
I feel now like I should write some story, about a Kellogg-esque cult that lives in the mountains, that believes that the change of form between food when it enters your body, and when it leaves it, is a symptom of deeply unhealthy processes, the result of your body's absorption of infernal textures, to be minimized as much as possible for good and wholesome health, and to whom these geometric food nuclei would need seen as a literal godsend. (That was one sentence.)
posted by JHarris at 12:53 PM on February 26, 2022 [3 favorites]
More like plate-onic solids, amirite
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:56 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:56 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
hoe into a bake a good twenty minutes before it's finished, and abandon at least half of what they nicked out of the oven and drowned in tomato ketchup on a plate left lying around in the kitchen for "somebody else" to clean up, and then complain that their dinner wasn't very nice
Oh dear. Look, flabdablet, I'm sure you gave this whole procreating thing a good college try and through no fault of your own, it's turned up... this. Have you given any thought to just starting fresh off in some undisclosed location?
posted by tigrrrlily at 2:50 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Oh dear. Look, flabdablet, I'm sure you gave this whole procreating thing a good college try and through no fault of your own, it's turned up... this. Have you given any thought to just starting fresh off in some undisclosed location?
posted by tigrrrlily at 2:50 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Part of me is like "how can you feel this way about food, one of the chief pleasures of life, an endless source of variety and delight?!"
The other part of me eats a cliff bar for breakfast about six days out of seven.
posted by JDHarper at 5:18 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
The other part of me eats a cliff bar for breakfast about six days out of seven.
posted by JDHarper at 5:18 PM on February 26, 2022 [5 favorites]
Legos is right, just look at Kellogg's HQ.
posted by clavdivs at 5:50 PM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by clavdivs at 5:50 PM on February 26, 2022 [1 favorite]
homemade Soylent or a bunch of yogurt with broccoli.
“So the good news is we have a simplified menu”
“OK, what’s the bad news?”
posted by soylent00FF00 at 9:40 PM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
“So the good news is we have a simplified menu”
“OK, what’s the bad news?”
posted by soylent00FF00 at 9:40 PM on February 26, 2022 [2 favorites]
what happens when you put these in a juicero
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:06 AM on February 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
posted by fluttering hellfire at 8:06 AM on February 27, 2022 [7 favorites]
Don't cross the streams!!!
posted by praemunire at 10:07 AM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by praemunire at 10:07 AM on February 27, 2022 [1 favorite]
I'm another for whom food is more of an annoyance than a pleasure. I suspect a lot of us are burnt-out single parents just so, so, so tired of spending our lives in the kitchen for an ungrateful bunch of almost-humans that we forever associate food with sadness and anger.
I actually like the idea of the food squares, but the reality this company seems to have created doesn't accord at all with my hoped-for future gastronomically simple life.
posted by dg at 4:17 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
I actually like the idea of the food squares, but the reality this company seems to have created doesn't accord at all with my hoped-for future gastronomically simple life.
posted by dg at 4:17 PM on February 28, 2022 [1 favorite]
Inspired largely by musings rooted in this thread, last night I spent five hours from 10pm slowly, methodically, meditatively, deliberately, judiciously, obsessively constructing a huge lasagne.
The main and overflow dishes are both in the fridge now, ready to throw in the oven as soon as I get home with these salad ingredients.
We'll eat well tonight. Fuck food squares.
posted by flabdablet at 10:55 PM on March 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
The main and overflow dishes are both in the fridge now, ready to throw in the oven as soon as I get home with these salad ingredients.
We'll eat well tonight. Fuck food squares.
posted by flabdablet at 10:55 PM on March 2, 2022 [2 favorites]
And we did.
And the friend we had over for dinner supplied most of the makings for a great big salad fresh picked from her own garden, and a nice cuvée brut to go with, which made it even better. And now there is leftover lasagne in the fridge, which is always an excellent state of affairs.
I think an overnight rest in the fridge post-assembly is going to become part of my lasagne process from now on. Cooking under no time pressure and having the time to clean up as I go, in a quiet house where everybody else has gone to bed, was actually fun again and there's no arguing with results like that.
Seriously, fuck food squares.
posted by flabdablet at 3:58 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
And the friend we had over for dinner supplied most of the makings for a great big salad fresh picked from her own garden, and a nice cuvée brut to go with, which made it even better. And now there is leftover lasagne in the fridge, which is always an excellent state of affairs.
I think an overnight rest in the fridge post-assembly is going to become part of my lasagne process from now on. Cooking under no time pressure and having the time to clean up as I go, in a quiet house where everybody else has gone to bed, was actually fun again and there's no arguing with results like that.
Seriously, fuck food squares.
posted by flabdablet at 3:58 AM on March 3, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'm very glad you found some of your cooking mojo, but the repeated "fuck food squares" thing comes across to me as dismissive of people in this thread, like me, who have indicated that a well-engineered engineered food would actually be welcome and make their lives better. I'm sure you didn't mean it to be personal and your disdain is purely for the product and not for the people who would find it valuable, but it's hard to not conflate the two.
posted by jacquilynne at 8:44 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 8:44 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
Actually my disdain is mostly for the packaging.
If food squares came as a log with markings for cutting off portions instead of chichi little individual serves each wrapped in plastic, I'd feel a lot less animus toward them.
I am equally furious with Keurig coffee pods. So much waste.
posted by flabdablet at 9:03 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
If food squares came as a log with markings for cutting off portions instead of chichi little individual serves each wrapped in plastic, I'd feel a lot less animus toward them.
I am equally furious with Keurig coffee pods. So much waste.
posted by flabdablet at 9:03 AM on March 3, 2022 [2 favorites]
dismissive of people in this thread, like me, who have indicated that a well-engineered engineered food would actually be welcome and make their lives better
Been thinking about that on and off for the last couple of days, and I think I've put my finger on what I see as the main problem.
You're completely correct to assume that I feel no desire to belittle people who would benefit from a well-engineered engineered food. There are various times in my own life at which such a thing would definitely have been welcome. Such vehement belittling as I am moved to hand out is for these dreadful food squares specifically, not for engineered food in general and certainly not for people who could make good use of same.
And food squares deserve vehement belittling exactly because they are not well engineered. A well engineered engineered food would address the deficiencies and inconveniences of non-engineered food, not simply disguise them under a thin veneer of space-age marketing wank. A well engineered food would be nutritionally complete, available in a variety of genuinely delicious flavours and textures independent of nutritional value, require no cooking, and have a best-before duration measurable in years. Hills Science Diet kibble for pets and even fucking Soylent have much stronger claims to being well engineered food than this obnoxious crap does.
What a well engineered food would not be is single ingredients forced through a sieve and then blended with a bit of guar gum to stop the resulting pap falling to bits. That's not well engineered food, that's over-hyped baby food. The only things it's got going for it are (possibly) precise portioning and (possibly) useful shelf life, and there are plenty of existing food packaging technologies that beat it for both and cost less as well.
This particular product strikes me as entirely superfluous, and I struggle to see how anybody could disagree with that assessment after giving it more than five minutes of careful thought. The idea of such a product has clear appeal and I have no argument with those to whom it would, but it remains my personal opinion that Squareat squares are every bit as stupid as Juicero bags and that the people responsible for marketing them deserve to be held in roughly equal contempt.
posted by flabdablet at 4:34 AM on March 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
Been thinking about that on and off for the last couple of days, and I think I've put my finger on what I see as the main problem.
You're completely correct to assume that I feel no desire to belittle people who would benefit from a well-engineered engineered food. There are various times in my own life at which such a thing would definitely have been welcome. Such vehement belittling as I am moved to hand out is for these dreadful food squares specifically, not for engineered food in general and certainly not for people who could make good use of same.
And food squares deserve vehement belittling exactly because they are not well engineered. A well engineered engineered food would address the deficiencies and inconveniences of non-engineered food, not simply disguise them under a thin veneer of space-age marketing wank. A well engineered food would be nutritionally complete, available in a variety of genuinely delicious flavours and textures independent of nutritional value, require no cooking, and have a best-before duration measurable in years. Hills Science Diet kibble for pets and even fucking Soylent have much stronger claims to being well engineered food than this obnoxious crap does.
What a well engineered food would not be is single ingredients forced through a sieve and then blended with a bit of guar gum to stop the resulting pap falling to bits. That's not well engineered food, that's over-hyped baby food. The only things it's got going for it are (possibly) precise portioning and (possibly) useful shelf life, and there are plenty of existing food packaging technologies that beat it for both and cost less as well.
This particular product strikes me as entirely superfluous, and I struggle to see how anybody could disagree with that assessment after giving it more than five minutes of careful thought. The idea of such a product has clear appeal and I have no argument with those to whom it would, but it remains my personal opinion that Squareat squares are every bit as stupid as Juicero bags and that the people responsible for marketing them deserve to be held in roughly equal contempt.
posted by flabdablet at 4:34 AM on March 5, 2022 [2 favorites]
That might have been your thought process in your mind, but here in the text you compared food squares with a home cooked lasagna prepared in circumstances you found personally satisfying. So you can, I hope, understand how it might appear that you were dismissing engineered foods in favour of home cooked food and not dismissing this particular engineered food in favour of other, better engineered foods.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:55 AM on March 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 6:55 AM on March 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
I can understand how what I wrote could be read that way, but it's not what I meant. I apologize for my failure to express the target of and reasons for my revulsion more clearly, and if you lived anywhere near me I'd invite you and yours over and attempt to make amends with lasagne.
Or food squares, if you'd prefer them.
posted by flabdablet at 7:39 AM on March 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
Or food squares, if you'd prefer them.
posted by flabdablet at 7:39 AM on March 5, 2022 [1 favorite]
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posted by Strange Interlude at 11:00 AM on February 25, 2022 [9 favorites]