"no more boxes filled with things I'll deal with later"
September 7, 2022 12:05 PM Subscribe
Published October 31, 2001, Paul Ford's "Cleaning My Room" starts, "I find it hard to clean. Certainly the basics are simple." (Content note for mice and rats, and fatphobia, and 9/11.) Ford's memoir moves through self-esteem, love, household order, guilt, shame, and making it "to this trivial point, to this small and stupid place that seemed entirely out of reach".
When people meet me they often think me quite capable; a year or two later they might thing me still capable, but less mature than they thought - not that I am immature, but my ability with language often casts me in the eyes of others as a sort of emotional savant, and I am not - I am a 27-year-old goof, and I am as much an idiot as the next guy, as much a seeker after comfort and as little likely to hold any keys to life. I just know how to make it sound good, and unfortunately, people associate this ability with wisdom, an association I can avow as entirely false.
that month after 9/11 was a very distinct moment in time and place
posted by zenon at 1:10 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by zenon at 1:10 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
Mefi's own, etc, but that's probably already covered by the tags.
posted by zamboni at 1:53 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by zamboni at 1:53 PM on September 7, 2022 [2 favorites]
A friend is currently staying over and helping me work through my own shameful New York apartment mess this week, without judgment, so while I'm reasonably certain I've read this before, rereading it was kind of cathartic. Cats, though, are a much better solution to the rodent situation (though maybe not for a 27-year-old who's kind of a mess, heh). That was when I finally got cats—when a mouse was repeatedly visiting my kitchen a few years ago—and it scared them away for good, no poison needed. (I'd wanted them for years, so that of course wasn't the only reason, but yeah, synergy!)
For me, what's made it hard to clean has been a combination of things, and while I just described the mess as "shameful," because I do feel some shame about it and it has at times blocked me from doing things I wanted to do, I try not to judge myself harshly, because that doesn't actually help. In my case, I wrecked my back doing laundry by hand during the early pandemic days. That raised the difficulty level of doing dishes or cleaning the bathroom as often, because both can lead to major back pain for me. I've kept up with recycling, trash, cat litter, and vacuuming, and periodically gotten through a pile of mail or boxes or cleaned a table or taken bags of laundry in for wash-and-fold (I finally gave in after I injured my back). But the kitchen and bathroom have suffered.
The other thing that makes those specific areas difficult is, perhaps ironically, my own OCD issues with contamination, which have gotten worse during the pandemic. Getting my hands dirty dealing with the bathroom and kitchen leads to a lot of hand-washing, and I've at times had hands that cracked and bled (combination of frequent washing and skin sensitivity). My father had something similar: He had really sensitive skin and a lot of allergies and anxiety, so he was always afraid of vacuuming and sweeping putting a lot of dust in the air. Unfortunately, he also became legally blind and loved to plant trees and garden, a combination that added a lot of dirt to the house. That was just one of the reasons I never had anyone over as a kid. I likely became sensitized to formaldehyde resin because of all the sawdust that lingered from his basement DIY projects. It took me and friends more than a year of weekends to clean his house after his third stroke.
So the answer I've settled on, for now, is to do my best not to get things dirty, to give in to disposable plates and utensils, to try to keep up with things bit by bit (or at least do a big sweep of cleaning before I travel), and to get nonjudgmental friends to help me clean. I also spend way too much money on takeout to avoid dishes, a situation I'm trying to remedy as my back has started to improve. This, too, has been a very strange period of time in this city.
posted by limeonaire at 2:23 PM on September 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
For me, what's made it hard to clean has been a combination of things, and while I just described the mess as "shameful," because I do feel some shame about it and it has at times blocked me from doing things I wanted to do, I try not to judge myself harshly, because that doesn't actually help. In my case, I wrecked my back doing laundry by hand during the early pandemic days. That raised the difficulty level of doing dishes or cleaning the bathroom as often, because both can lead to major back pain for me. I've kept up with recycling, trash, cat litter, and vacuuming, and periodically gotten through a pile of mail or boxes or cleaned a table or taken bags of laundry in for wash-and-fold (I finally gave in after I injured my back). But the kitchen and bathroom have suffered.
The other thing that makes those specific areas difficult is, perhaps ironically, my own OCD issues with contamination, which have gotten worse during the pandemic. Getting my hands dirty dealing with the bathroom and kitchen leads to a lot of hand-washing, and I've at times had hands that cracked and bled (combination of frequent washing and skin sensitivity). My father had something similar: He had really sensitive skin and a lot of allergies and anxiety, so he was always afraid of vacuuming and sweeping putting a lot of dust in the air. Unfortunately, he also became legally blind and loved to plant trees and garden, a combination that added a lot of dirt to the house. That was just one of the reasons I never had anyone over as a kid. I likely became sensitized to formaldehyde resin because of all the sawdust that lingered from his basement DIY projects. It took me and friends more than a year of weekends to clean his house after his third stroke.
So the answer I've settled on, for now, is to do my best not to get things dirty, to give in to disposable plates and utensils, to try to keep up with things bit by bit (or at least do a big sweep of cleaning before I travel), and to get nonjudgmental friends to help me clean. I also spend way too much money on takeout to avoid dishes, a situation I'm trying to remedy as my back has started to improve. This, too, has been a very strange period of time in this city.
posted by limeonaire at 2:23 PM on September 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
Of course, it's probably important to remember, as this Twitter thread reminded me just now, cleaning standards, and our judgments of ourselves and others related to them, can be rather ableist. I do my best, but my mental and physical health don't always allow for a perfectly clean space—and that is fine. It's also fine that for some period of time (or who knows, perhaps even still at times?), that has been the situation for ftrain. I think that was the thing that made this rub me a little bit the wrong way on reread: I don't have problems cleaning because I'm trying to put up barriers between myself and others, or because I'm lazy. And I kind of challenge ftrain's self-judgments of his 27-year-old self in those respects. For myself, I just have legit problems cleaning, and it sucks, but it is what it is. I do my best. I think ftrain was probably doing his best, too, even if that didn't always look the way he wanted it to look. I'd be curious how he feels now, looking back on it.
posted by limeonaire at 3:23 PM on September 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
posted by limeonaire at 3:23 PM on September 7, 2022 [4 favorites]
As someone who has spent a few years now cleaning up hoarding relatives place so that my kids wouldn't get sick staying there, it's hard for me not to judge, but I do try. I certainly noticed that he didn't invite too many people over, and apparently had no relatives that needed to visit/stay to help him through 'life stuff'.
I definitely think it's a disease and that kicking them in the pants to 'work harder' or whatever is not going to solve it. Sometimes, I think it's hereditary, as the affected person's children weren't any better at discerning genuine trash from treasure.
I also think people's eyes blanch at how expensive help is - so it's hard to rally troops to shell out their portion of $1000+ just to throw stuff away. So inaction on the part of 'help' causes it to stay uncontrolled.
posted by The_Vegetables at 5:42 PM on September 7, 2022
I definitely think it's a disease and that kicking them in the pants to 'work harder' or whatever is not going to solve it. Sometimes, I think it's hereditary, as the affected person's children weren't any better at discerning genuine trash from treasure.
I also think people's eyes blanch at how expensive help is - so it's hard to rally troops to shell out their portion of $1000+ just to throw stuff away. So inaction on the part of 'help' causes it to stay uncontrolled.
posted by The_Vegetables at 5:42 PM on September 7, 2022
Also, where I was doing my work, dudes sat outside the nearby Home Depot all day every day advertising 'clean up' services, so it's bigger than one might imagine, at least in some places.
posted by The_Vegetables at 5:44 PM on September 7, 2022
posted by The_Vegetables at 5:44 PM on September 7, 2022
Thanks for posting this.
posted by dusty potato at 6:00 PM on September 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by dusty potato at 6:00 PM on September 7, 2022 [1 favorite]
Beautifully told. Thanks for posting this, brainwane.
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:53 AM on September 8, 2022
posted by MonkeyToes at 9:53 AM on September 8, 2022
This Twitter thread about cleaning and ADHD made me think of this thread again.
posted by limeonaire at 10:25 AM on September 19, 2022
posted by limeonaire at 10:25 AM on September 19, 2022
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posted by Bella Donna at 1:06 PM on September 7, 2022