"Isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation just a remake of The Smurfs?"

September 24, 2022 9:22 AM

Stephen Lindholm's Smurf Research Center lists a treasury of Smurfy miscellanea. It has all the episodes of the show with plot synopses, speculates about the existence of gay Smurfs (with only one adult female, how could there not be?), and also records systematically whatever the hell it is that Gargamel wanted them for. The title of the post comes from their "magnum opus," The Exegesis of the Smurfs.

Back in 2001 Lore Sjöberg speculated on the nature (actually, just the phrasing) of smurf sexuality.

Note, however, the gay smurfs article does have an extended quote from a Joe Rogan episode. I figured I should mention it. (It is not generally objectionable, except that it does speculate on Smurfette smurfing everyone.)

posted by JHarris (17 comments total)

These pages remind me of the days when it was much easier to find collections of obsessive information on the web. May those days return!
posted by JHarris at 9:23 AM on September 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

Was there a novel, Star Treck, Before the cinema version?
posted by Czjewel at 9:36 AM on September 24, 2022

What Gargamel wanted to do to the Smurfs depended on where he was on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. When he was hungry and desperate, he sought to eat the Smurfs. But on days when his belly was full, his physiological needs were met, so he could concentrate on fulfilling his needs for safety and esteem by turning the Smurfs into gold.

When Gargamel wanted to just destroy the Smurfs, that was a good day for him because meant his other base needs were met; Gargamel was expressing his need for Self-Actualization -- the highest point on Maslow's Hierarchy.

Medieval life was precarious, which explains why Gargamel could want to make gold out of the Smurfs but want to eat them the next.
posted by riruro at 10:03 AM on September 24, 2022 [30 favorites]

The mention of smurf sexuality takes me back to the Venture Bros henchmen discussing whether or not smurfs are mammals.
posted by cyranix at 10:26 AM on September 24, 2022 [6 favorites]

Turns out that if you dry, pulverize, and smoke a Smurf you get really smurfin' high.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:29 AM on September 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

The Exegesis of the Smurfs

I didn't enjoy that Harry Potter book at all.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:53 AM on September 24, 2022 [5 favorites]

Smurfed up with a smurfeit of unprincipled smurfettery.
posted by y2karl at 10:54 AM on September 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

When all you have is a Smurf, all problems look like Smurfs.
posted by Sphinx at 11:02 AM on September 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

speculates about the existence of gay Smurfs (with only one adult female, how could there not be?

I've always assumed Smurfette was a smurfomaniac who was smurfing like a mothersmurfer 24/7.
posted by orange swan at 11:32 AM on September 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

"Isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation just a remake of The Smurfs?"

Goes a long way towards explaining why ST:TNG always left me cold.
posted by MrJM at 12:01 PM on September 24, 2022

The last episode:

9 1989‑12‑02 (4) | Hearts ’N’ Smurfs | Uses Brainy to spread hate. | Holland equivalent “Van Garg.”

We all thought it failed, but maybe Gargamel won.
posted by ptfe at 12:36 PM on September 24, 2022 [1 favorite]

I’d totally eat a Smurf.
posted by rikschell at 12:43 PM on September 24, 2022

Gargotep is going to make me laugh for the rest of the day. I don’t remember that episode.

Gargotep.

Gargotep.

Gargotep.
posted by janell at 12:46 PM on September 24, 2022

Well, if I could humbly make a suggestion to Mr. Lindholm, his archive would be more comprehensive were it to include information about urban legends of diabolical Smurf-related paranormal activities that circulated among Jehovah's Witnesses in the mid-1980s.
posted by chrchr at 2:19 PM on September 24, 2022 [4 favorites]

I remember a period when any time we took the cat to the vet, all the other cats in the waiting room were named Azrael. They were the great-great-grandparents of all the cats named Loki today.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:24 PM on September 24, 2022 [3 favorites]

One of these "Shakespeare in the original Klingon" things, but I highly recommend the old Les Schtroumpfs bandes dessinées to anyone who reads basic French. The verb tenses of "schtroumpfer" alone are worth it, from "je schtroumpf" to "il schtroumpferait."
posted by Pallas Athena at 7:09 AM on September 25, 2022 [1 favorite]

Have you not seen Haribo Smurf Gummies: Gargamel won, but his ultimate prize was ranching Smurfs for Haribo. A sad victory if I say so myself. He was really in it for the chase - the drama!

And if gay Smurfs don't exist, then who exactly is Vanity preening for? He doesn't seem to have particularly high self esteem (ie: he doesn't do it for himself), and the other Smurfs (mostly) don't follow along. Smurf sexuality is a thing.
posted by The_Vegetables at 7:23 AM on September 26, 2022 [2 favorites]