Throw Up Your Hands and Raise Your Voice! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

January 19, 2023 4:53 AM

Thirty years later, Conan O’Brien reflects on the making and legacy of “Marge vs. the Monorail,” one of the best ‘Simpsons’—and sitcom—episodes of all time [The Ringer]

Conan O’Brien on Writing “Marge vs. the Monorail” for “The Simpsons” [Howard Stern]
Conan O'Brien - The Monorail Song @ The Simpsons Take the Hollywood Bowl [shakycam]
Animated Masterpieces #17 - 'Marge Vs The Monorail'
Everything Wrong With The Simpsons - "Marge vs the Monorail"

It's more of a Shelbyville idea.

posted by chavenet (73 comments total)

I still put that song on mixtape playlists.
posted by wenestvedt at 4:57 AM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

I own exactly one Simpsons episode. This is it.
posted by JanetLand at 5:52 AM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

"But Main Street's still all cracked and broken."
"Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!"
posted by Paul Slade at 6:04 AM on January 19, 2023 [14 favorites]

Batman's a scientist.
posted by saturday_morning at 6:08 AM on January 19, 2023 [14 favorites]

That Hollywood Bowl video was a bit of a tease. All that buildup and then it's done in 30 seconds and the choir members only got to sing "monorail" in the background. But I guess that's how long the song was and if they had padded it out then I'd probably be asking why they added all this extra stuff to it.

What this really tells me is that I need to start a re-watch with my family so that they can better appreciate all the Simpsons references I throw at them every day.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:31 AM on January 19, 2023 [10 favorites]

"My work here is done."

I use that one a lot, actually, and in the same spirit as in the episode.
posted by jquinby at 6:32 AM on January 19, 2023 [19 favorites]

I didn't know Conan was from Brookline! I spent a couple years there, and I can report that Brookline kind of does run on monorails -- that is, widely spaced Green Line trolleys that run in a straight line and feed sections of the town by disgorging commuters and students of all ages.

Although I feel like comedy TV should move away from the Harvard Lampoon-centric writers room, and is doing so, I can't deny that it's definitely my kind of humor. Between this and Lin-Manuel Miranda, The Music Man is a bigger influence today than anyone would have believed, and it's all down to huge nerds.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:37 AM on January 19, 2023 [10 favorites]

Ah, yes. Good old 9F10!

I use that one a lot, actually, and in the same spirit as in the episode.

Mine is:

"Hey, Spock! What do you want on your hot dog?"

"Surprise me."

posted by mikelieman at 6:48 AM on January 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

Well, sir, there's nothin' on Earth like a genuine bona-fide electrified six-car monorail! What'd I say?

Hyperloop!

What's it called?

Cybertruck!

That's right! Neuralink!
posted by logicpunk at 7:24 AM on January 19, 2023 [41 favorites]

That's right! Neuralink!

"The kids can call you ElJu."
posted by Ten Cold Hot Dogs at 7:40 AM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

>I use that one a lot, actually, and in the same spirit as in the episode.

What do you mean? You didn’t do anything!
posted by The Card Cheat at 7:47 AM on January 19, 2023 [8 favorites]

Didn't I, The Card Cheat? Didn't I?
posted by davidmsc at 8:13 AM on January 19, 2023 [15 favorites]

Contrary view: I hate this episode, mocking the great notion of monorails. They'd be an effective solution to certain transit issues but today (in the US) that technology is merely a Simpsons joke. If you're interested, visit the Monorail Society at monorails.org which compiles all of the systems, around the world, past and present. Germans made them work a long time ago in Wuppertal and the Chinese even have one now which can switch tracks but maybe the reason they're not taken seriously in the US is kid stuff: Disneyland, the department store at Christmastime (previously) and Marge Simpson. Yish.

Rant over, back to the yucks.
posted by Rash at 8:37 AM on January 19, 2023 [11 favorites]

Mono--
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:41 AM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

d'oh
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:42 AM on January 19, 2023 [12 favorites]

What is the advantage of monorails specifically as opposed to standard subways or elevated commuter rail?
posted by Pope Guilty at 8:42 AM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

well for one thing they have this catchy song
posted by some loser at 8:43 AM on January 19, 2023 [55 favorites]

This is a Perfect Post.
proof.
posted by DigDoug at 8:46 AM on January 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

What is the advantage of monorails

Over subways? Don't have to dig. The elevated? Not much, really. But light rail? Don't have to lay track through/on top of existing infrastructure, the only real estate needed is the small surface area of the vertical supports.
posted by Rash at 8:50 AM on January 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

I miss Phil Hartman so much, even after all this time.

"Can Superman outrun the Flash?"

"Eh, sure, why not."

In case anybody isn't familiar with the Music Man, here's the song "Ya Got Trouble" that inspired the legendary Monorail song sequence.
posted by fortitude25 at 8:55 AM on January 19, 2023 [13 favorites]

One of my favorite bits in that episode is Patty and Selma, in the midst of all the drummed-up enthusiasm, standing up just to grunt an apathetic "Monorail."
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:20 AM on January 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

Contrary view: I hate this episode, mocking the great notion of monorails.
Rash

It's an honor to have you on the site, Mr. Takei.
posted by star gentle uterus at 9:24 AM on January 19, 2023 [20 favorites]

Contrary view: I hate this episode, mocking the great notion of monorails. They'd be an effective solution to certain transit issues but today (in the US) that technology is merely a Simpsons joke.

They're not unless you have a fixed track/route that never changes and you can afford to build custom spare parts for everything in house. Otherwise they're honestly more trouble than an elevated 2 track system. It's why they went out of fashion in the industry.
posted by jmauro at 9:24 AM on January 19, 2023 [11 favorites]

I remember going to Disneyland at age 6 or 7 back around 1977. My folks took us on the Monorail like it was some amazing thing. I thought it was sort of like a cleaner version of the L in Chicago. I loved everything about Disneyland, but the Monorail was low in the order of great stuff at Disneyland for me.
posted by SoberHighland at 9:45 AM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

When I was a kid in Syracuse in the ’70s there was a proposal to run a monorail from the university through downtown to the state fairgrounds or some such nonsense, which got the local newspapers and TV news excited for a day or two. When this episode came out it made me wonder if silly monorail proposals were a thing in small cities back then.
posted by gubo at 9:52 AM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

In my experience living through that time, no. Not in the US. Even then the notion would've been mocked, wacky futuristic nonsense, etc.
posted by Rash at 11:01 AM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

...maybe the reason they're not taken seriously in the US is kid stuff: Disneyland, the department store at Christmastime... and Marge Simpson. Yish.

Or maybe it's because of Seattle, where they built one for the 1962 World's Fair that was a whole 0.9 mile/1.4 kilometers* long with only two stops. It's referred to as public transportation but it's really a theme park ride for the tourists. But, hey, Queen Elizabeth rode it and I saw her after she got off it. In person. So I have one thing in common with 31% of the population of the United Kingdom plus some extra millions or so of other people in the world at large.

So, I'll Monorail! you, buddy... ಠ_ಠ

*When it breaks down -- which has happened a lot -- people have to climb down via firetruck ladders.
posted by y2karl at 11:22 AM on January 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

All the mocking we do of monorails as wacky futuristic nonsense didn't help at all to inoculate us against the sheer idiocy of Musk's hyperloop/boring company.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:32 AM on January 19, 2023 [11 favorites]

They're not unless you have a fixed track/route that never changes and you can afford to build custom spare parts for everything in house. Otherwise they're honestly more trouble than an elevated 2 track system. It's why they went out of fashion in the industry.

Yes, I believe that's my understanding of it as well (via my long time rail employee dad's cronies). My only real experience of Monorails came from the one built for Expo 67 (yes that is a link to a Monorail fandom wiki). The last bit of that monorail, called the Minirail, is slated for destruction.
posted by Ashwagandha at 11:33 AM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

I like how Sufjan Stevens succinctly addressed the subject in his song Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head:

People mover
Bad decision
posted by dephlogisticated at 11:33 AM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

What is the advantage of monorails specifically as opposed to standard subways or elevated commuter rail?

We have cameras.
posted by nicwolff at 11:43 AM on January 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

Monorails are almost never the best solution for public transportation. The actual best solutions are 99.9% of the time providing adequate funding for frequent service provided by technologies that have been used and refined globally for decades, rather than whatever new untested gadgetry somebody comes up with. This episode was great for providing a very pithy counterargument to monorails and hyperloops and gondolas and peoplemovers and all of the other gadgetbahns that are proposed instead of basic things like funding frequent bus service, or building light rail.

I'm reminded of this 1965 flyer which shows the benefits of -- as opposed to monorails -- the whiz-bang technology duorail (aka good ol' subways).
posted by Superilla at 11:43 AM on January 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

The one in Vegas was another disappointment but it's usable if you have business at the convention center and pick the right hotel. The idea of extending it to the airport pissed off the taxi driver lobby and that's just wasn't going to happen.
posted by JoeZydeco at 11:45 AM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

The Disneyland and Seattle monorails ride over the track. For the real fun you need the suspension monorail which hangs from the track. Maybe some are more stable but the German one swings out when you go around curves, then slowly pendulums back to dead center. This also happens as passengers board and deboard (and stepping across that gap is a challenge, for some).

people have to climb down via firetruck ladders.

This is, admittedly, a drawback.
posted by Rash at 11:45 AM on January 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

Ever since the Tim Traveler did his videos on Germany's suspended monorails I've been calling them "dangletrains"
posted by RonButNotStupid at 11:47 AM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

This is, admittedly, a drawback.

Didn't stop some folks in Seattle from putting an initiative up in 1997 for a city-wide extended monorail which passed. And got quietly deep sixed by the Seattle City Council three years later as they often do with such popular from-the-bottom-up initiatives.
posted by y2karl at 12:04 PM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

It's not a transit solution, but I did enjoy watching Tom Scott's I finally found a useful monorail. (It's a small-scale monorail that snakes up a hillside, to carry cargo and whatnot.)
posted by anhedonic at 12:08 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Timely post for me as I was just re-listening to that music man song (as linked by fortitude25 above) a few days ago. It struck me in a way it hadn't before at just how well-crafted a piece of comedy it actually is.

I think I dismissed it at first (even as I was listening to it on repeat) as a kind of artifact of the past. Just some other piece of media the simpsons was referencing that I'd never seen or heard of.

It was catchy, sure. And beautiful use of language. I saw that right away. And a general humor to the conceit, of course. But there's also a razor-sharp sense of irony woven through the lyrics I didn't pick up on at first. It reminds me, for lack of a better description, of the sense of humor in the simpsons generally.

You can see the influence past the form of the song or the specific reference to it. You can see it in the dna of the comedy itself. It's like you can almost see the thread drawn from one thing to the other, through all these people like o'brien.

Take a line like this: "Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like... 'swell'... and 'so's your old man'?"

This line and delivery just kills me, thought I didn't appreciate it at first. And even now I can't fully explain it (I suppose dead frogs and all that). Sure, I appreciated the irony of causing a moral panic with things seeming so quaint and harmless today. But there's another level in just how ubiquitous, vague and harmless those things are in general. It'd be like "Is your son tying their tie with a half-windsor knot? Because watch out!"

Or the whole concept of leaning so reverently on some traditional thing, while disparaging so strongly the variant with the slightest difference.

"Not a wholesom trottin' race, no, but a race where they set down right on the horse!" Like imagine! Sitting on a horse while it races! "Like to see some stuck-up jockey boy sitting on Dan Patch?"

Or the whole idea of a billiard's player ("certainly mighty proud to say it") who would muse "I consider that the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden" going on to spend the whole song denouncing another cue-centric game.

It's like the more subtle the difference between the things he's driving a line between, the more cutting the comedy is that he's doing it. Hard to explain.

Anyway, it's a good song. I should probably watch the rest of the movie.
posted by Flaffigan at 12:16 PM on January 19, 2023 [10 favorites]

Because transit projects that are initially rail-based get watered-down and become glorified buses for budgetary reasons, I propose that everything should first be proposed as a monorail so we can "compromise" on the "cheaper" alternative of fixed rail.

Maybe this will lead to more light rail construction.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 12:16 PM on January 19, 2023 [11 favorites]

When this episode came out it made me wonder if silly monorail proposals were a thing in small cities back then.

Not sure if it counts as a monorail but Morgantown, WV has a weird little people mover transit system that I always thought was sorta cool and bizarre and funny for a city of it's size. Looks like it was part of a PRT craze in the 60s/70's and Morgantown's is one of the only ones to come into fruition and remain.
posted by windbox at 12:38 PM on January 19, 2023 [7 favorites]

The PRT is adorable. I'd love to write a song about its creation, but I'd need to somehow rhyme Robert Byrd, JPL, and Richard Nixon.
posted by credulous at 12:45 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Seattle voted for expanding the monorail four or five times. Just to be denied by the city council.

As a Ballard resident, where at least one of the votes would have had it run, it would have been awesome.
posted by Windopaene at 12:49 PM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

I'd need to somehow rhyme ... Richard Nixon

The damn thing's always in need of fixin'
posted by Greg_Ace at 1:06 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

I'd need to somehow rhyme ... Richard Nixon

The damn thing's always in need of fixin'

Dead Milkmen already did it
posted by smelendez at 1:18 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Dead Milkmen already did it


Yet another MetaFilter: tagline for the ages.
posted by y2karl at 1:25 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Well, West Virginia's Robert Byrd
Saw that the traffic was absurd
He called John Volpe and Dick Nixon
And said 'C'mon, let's put the fix in!'
UMTA said "this sounds swell"
And gave the job to JPL
They subcontracted out to Boeing;
Next thing you know it's up and going!
posted by nickmark at 1:25 PM on January 19, 2023 [18 favorites]

I still get that, "Aw mannn," sinking, sad, I-miss-you-man feeling whenever Phil Hartman comes up in the conversation. RIP Phil.

.
posted by Chuffy at 1:58 PM on January 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

mocking the great notion of monorails.

Why Monorails Are A Bad Idea.
posted by Pendragon at 2:08 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Take a line like this: "Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like... 'swell'... and 'so's your old man'?"
This line and delivery just kills me, thought I didn't appreciate it at first. And even now I can't fully explain it (I suppose dead frogs and all that). Sure, I appreciated the irony of causing a moral panic with things seeming so quaint and harmless today.

Music Man is kinda like that in general. It's so clean it squeaks, it's so wholesome I wanna barf (note: skipped doing that show, I watched Schmigadoon and was all, "I can't live like this for months"), and the dirtiest it gets is people saying the word "Balzac" whenever they can possibly swing it, as "salaciously" as they can try to get away with. But Harold does offer a certain...vibe, as does Marian for being the lone acerbic person in the entire wholesome town. And watching a dude get everyone all easily freaked out about a pool table kids can't even access is certainly....something. (Me watching the show: and now people are freaking out over a boy band.)
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:32 PM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Or maybe it's because of Seattle

I was on the Seattle monorail many, many years ago (as, yes, a tourist) when I discovered from the local listings rag that Tom Waits was playing two gigs later that week at a theatre just a few blocks from my hotel. I got off at the next stop, went straight back in the other direction, and immediately bought a ticket for both shows at the theatre box office. Two of the best gigs I've seen, as it turns out.

... and that's my Seattle monorail story.
posted by Paul Slade at 2:34 PM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

Anyway, it's a good song. I should probably watch the rest of the movie.

You should, but you should also check out Doom Patrol S04E02's Shipoopi (performed by the Were-butts).

And people say that Doom Patrol has lost it's way...
posted by mikelieman at 2:37 PM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

Somewhere there’s a small farm/big garden on a steep south slope with single rail track laid down to make it easier to cart material uphill. Wales? West Virginia? I think there was old metal practically lying around.

The farmer is clearly a tinkerer and did it kind of as a joke but then shows how much less work it is to roll uphill on a hard track. Glee. And hardly any interruption of the landscape, just trodden grass either side of the track.
posted by clew at 3:43 PM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Leonard Nimoy" is an anagram of "deny monorail".
posted by qntm at 3:46 PM on January 19, 2023 [34 favorites]

I haven't seen the episode in decades, but I would probably remember every line of dialogue if I were to watch it again. Of course, something that keeps it ever-present in my mind is that I live within spitting distance of the longest suspended monorail in the world, the Chiba Urban Monorail (and no, Japan doesn't do a good job of naming things, and there is a good reason to just call it the Chiba Monorail, but anyway). It, too, is a suspended monorail, and now that I know it's also called a dangletrain, it will be hard to keep that out of my head. On the other hand, I don't immediately hear a song about dangletrains start up every time I see it go by, so I think I'll stick with monorail.

Having watched the "monorails are bad" video, it's interesting to say that the Chiba monorail might be one of the only ones that actually just is better as a monorail. It was built long after the city and its infrastructure had pretty much calcified, and there just isn't room for new train lines. It runs through several areas that have no rail access, and connects to several train stations that connect, in turn, to Tokyo. The elevated tracks allow it to follow existing roads, but then to also cut through and over areas that are built up, making connections between areas that surface traffic can't follow.

It is slow, and it is costly, and for the most part, even though it runs very near to our house, I rarely use it as the only places it goes to that I would use are places I can bike to. On the other hand, when we do bike to the Chiba Zoo, it's kind of fun to go along the path directly under the monorail. It might also have a warm fuzzy place in my heart because it was how we got to the zoo from Chiba station on our first date, but hey, that's a different story.

Reading the wikipedia article, though, I was saddened to see that there had been a plan to connect it to the station we use nearly every day. Connecting that and the Chiba Sports Center would be great for all the high school students that travel to and fro for events every weekend, but yeah, that's what all the (frequent) buses are for.
posted by Ghidorah at 4:09 PM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

NOT THE SHIPOOPI NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(otherwise known as, the other reason why I didn't want to do Music Man)
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:13 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Human Transit (Jarrett Walker) on monorails.
posted by en forme de poire at 4:16 PM on January 19, 2023 [1 favorite]

Dangle--
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:22 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

dammit
posted by Greg_Ace at 4:23 PM on January 19, 2023 [3 favorites]

I think you can get pills for that now, Greg_Ace.
posted by Ickster at 4:32 PM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

I've ridden a few monorails in my day (and love 'em as much as Rash), but I've never ridden one without at least one passenger singing a snippet of "The Monorail Song." Even if that passenger has to be me.

I want to live in the timeline where Phil Hartman got to play Harold Hill in a big-budget revival of The Music Man.

When this episode premiered, my family lived on Main Street, in a town so small you could briskly walk the length of said Main Street in about five minutes.* And it was always in pretty bad shape. Nearly every time my sister and I were leaving the house together, one of us would say, "But Main Street's still all cracked and broken," and the other would reply, "Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken." Also, any random possum is named "Bitey."

Nimoy beaming up was the biggest cherry on top of any sundae.

*We always joked that our school couldn't have a marching band because by the time they got to the end of the first number they'd have crossed the town line.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:50 PM on January 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

I always thought the joke was less than monorails are *inherently* a bad idea, but that a monorail would be wildly inappropriate overkill for a small town like Springfield. They need good bus service - bus rapid transit, at most - not heavy urban rail.
posted by Mr. Excellent at 5:46 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

Contains my favourite moment in any Simpsons episode:

[the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]

Leonard Nimoy : A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.

Man : [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy] Does anyone want to switch seats?
posted by misterbee at 5:53 PM on January 19, 2023 [5 favorites]

If you were wondering how to make rail and bicycling worse, you could make a monorail... that utilizes bicycle technology. The Hotchkiss Bicycle Railroad was built in 1892 in New Jersey, with similar systems built in England a few years later. Douglas Self's Museum of Retro Technology has a couple images that seem to depict a dangle monorail bike rather than the straddle monorail rail bike. Either way, the venture seemed to last less than a decade as people figured out the system held no advantage over a normal bicycle and pathway.

But monorail dreams never die. In the early 2000s, a seemingly earnest proposal was brewed up in New Zealand for Schweeb, a dangle monorail bike, with a currently operating 200 meter demo track that costs $55 (about $35USD) per person to ride three laps.
posted by 2N2222 at 5:54 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Honestly most stories are improved by adding a monorail. Snowpiercer but it’s a monorail. There Will Be Blood but he’s a monorail tycoon. Titanic but the ship is an enormous monorail.
posted by dephlogisticated at 6:46 PM on January 19, 2023 [9 favorites]

I had thought this episode had long ago reached the common consciousness. But a few years ago I had to explain it in detail to my intern that’s when I really felt old. I also was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style the time.

On the urban transit commentary, I much prefer heavy rail subway or elevateds, but I will concede there are a few sitiuations where they could have some advantages.
posted by CostcoCultist at 7:15 PM on January 19, 2023 [6 favorites]

What is the advantage of monorails specifically as opposed to standard subways or elevated commuter rail?


…which I could also afford.
posted by hwyengr at 8:41 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

When it breaks down -- people have to climb down via firetruck ladders.

Wouldn't be the case with a suspended monorail designed like the SAFEGe prototype Trouffaut used in 'Fahrenheit 451' (clip) which had stairways lowered from the car's belly, for egress.

Of course, even with that system, if a maintenance worker leaves something behind on the track you can wind up with real trouble, as happened in Wuppertal in 1999.
posted by Rash at 9:49 PM on January 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

stairways lowered from the car's belly, for egress.

Why would you plan for birds on public transit??
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:10 PM on January 19, 2023 [4 favorites]

One thing you gradually realize as an engineer is that there’s a real gap between your elegant plans and dreams, and what will actually happen. Specifically, birds are always going to get into things, so it’s better to be realistic and plan for it rather living in an absurd, bird free ivory tower
posted by Jon Mitchell at 9:33 AM on January 20, 2023 [3 favorites]

oh come on birds aren't real
posted by chavenet at 9:37 AM on January 20, 2023 [4 favorites]

Titanic but the ship is an enormous monorail.

Would definitely explain why they couldn't turn in time.
posted by AndrewInDC at 11:05 AM on January 20, 2023 [1 favorite]

When I was a kid, my friend and I would interject "Were you sent here by the devil?" whenever someone was asking a lot of questions
posted by Ray Walston, Luck Dragon at 2:35 PM on January 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

Honestly most stories are improved by adding a monorail.

The Tale of Genji with a monorail.
My Dinner with Andre with a monorail.
Baraka with a monorail.
Ghost World with a monorail.
Njal's Saga with a monorail.
Swann's Way with a monorail.
Those Who Take the Monorail Away from Omelas.
posted by y2karl at 3:03 PM on January 21, 2023 [3 favorites]