tomorrow is a very busy day of not talking to you also

July 13, 2023 12:01 AM

Types of Monk, In Order of How Often They Want You To Visit by Daniel Lavery [The Stopgap]
posted by chavenet (56 comments total)

Fun! But also the picture is gorgeous.
posted by mumimor at 12:07 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Monks this piece lacks:

Thelonious -
- & Canatella
-fish (also Detective same)
Funky -
-eys
posted by prismatic7 at 12:14 AM on July 13, 2023 [14 favorites]

Aren't Dominicans friars
posted by Carillon at 12:31 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

excuse me that is not how gyrovagues work

you cannot visit gyrovague
VISIT WHERE
gyrovague👏has👏no👏fixed👏abode👏
hence the vagus gyring

gyrovague will stop by your place
and rely on your charity
you have good charity right man
posted by away for regrooving at 12:40 AM on July 13, 2023 [16 favorites]

Monks this piece lacks: Meredith Monk
posted by away for regrooving at 12:42 AM on July 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

They had this vat of boiling oil, so I said: you must be friars, and they said no, we’re chip monks.
posted by Phanx at 1:02 AM on July 13, 2023 [45 favorites]

They're clearly not in the advertised order though? Ones you can visit seem randomly scattered among those who don't want visits.
posted by biffa at 1:14 AM on July 13, 2023 [10 favorites]

Monks are friendlier than I expected, but I thought the list would be much, much longer.
posted by dg at 1:24 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Also missing: Pokémon: Kyurem vs. the Sword of Justice
posted by polytope subirb enby-of-piano-dice at 2:33 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Ah not what I was expecting.... silence, solitude and contemplation have never been more important to me and I have enormous respect for the monkish life. I love my family and we all, me included, have our hyperactive chatty sides, our gatherings are intense and a bundle of fun..... Happily, there are times between, we're scattered across Europe and further, times in which I'm alone with my thoughts, music and books, other times in which I have a 'retreat' at home, the music stops, the books are left untouched and thoughts are set aside, time for quiet, time to let the inner turmoil settle and still, time to breathe deep and slow, time to be, (as the man says, human beings not human doings). My lovely wife, all smiles, warmth and chat, a great lover of company and outings, is off for two weeks to visit her brother in the States, she beamed and told me, "might be a nice opportunity for you to go on retreat for a week or two." She's not wrong. Have a great day one and all!
posted by dutchrick at 2:42 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

I loved this. I'd never heard of Stylite monks before and I have to respect the lifestyle.

I'm definitely in the Carmelite "maybe" camp for hangouts.
posted by slimepuppy at 2:55 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I’m tonsure I understand.
posted by Mchelly at 3:12 AM on July 13, 2023 [12 favorites]

Now wait a minute. Eremitics and Cenobites aren’t types of monks but broad classifications that cut across the more specific groups. Briefly, monks who live together are cenobites; monks who live alone are Eremites (or hermits, if you prefer). So, while I’m usually unwilling to criticize Daniel Lavery on matters theological, this is a very slapdash and union informative list. One would almost think it was a joke!

And it is no joke! How will our children learn the vital classification of western Christian monastics with things like this on the internet! Not to mention the various Orthodox Christian monastics, which are their own bonus level of complexity! Will no one think of the novitiates?!
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:24 AM on July 13, 2023 [20 favorites]

Beguines weren't actually monks, were they? They were lay women who promised chastity if they could just hang out together and do good works. Yes, I just read a very good book on women in medieval times so no, I do not usually know such things nitpick nitpick nitpick. But the illustration is hilarious.
posted by Peach at 4:50 AM on July 13, 2023 [9 favorites]

Monks this piece lacks: Buddhist monks (Zen/Chan/Son, Theravadan, Tibetan)
posted by kokaku at 4:59 AM on July 13, 2023 [12 favorites]

Lavery also leave out Friars who will come visit you, but, to be fair, they aren’t technically monks.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:08 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

#32 in my book of impossible, unrequited love affairs: I once crushed hard on a friar.
posted by thivaia at 5:12 AM on July 13, 2023 [9 favorites]

There was that mendicant who was so good at basketball they made the movie Air Friar about him.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:16 AM on July 13, 2023 [12 favorites]

Cenobites are big fans of hanging out, as I understand. They'll come right over, soon as you call, and make all the arrangements.

Corrodians and beguines seem pretty delightful; they might even have a nice little place. But every so often there's a mean bishop who hates women and comes to throw out all their worldly goods and drown their pets.

Every so often when the world is hard I think about how peaceable it would be to live by an Order, but I believe in choice and I'm hypoglycemic, so that's that on that.
posted by Countess Elena at 5:18 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

Monks this piece lacks:

AD&D 2d Edition: "What? Oh sure you can come over. Absolutely. Come on in. Come closer. Closer. Just a little... are you in melee range yet? Good."
posted by The Bellman at 5:29 AM on July 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

Is this something I'd have to be a character in an Umberto Eco nivel to understand?
posted by signal at 5:39 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

Is this something I'd have to be a character in an Umberto Eco nivel to understand?

Yes, but good news: Metafilter is the book Eco was working on when he died. The mystery at the heart of it is "how is it that this posthumous work is still being written?"

This list was fun!
posted by heteronym at 5:51 AM on July 13, 2023 [10 favorites]

I don't think I'd be inviting Cenobites over after watching Hellraiser...
posted by wittgenstein at 5:53 AM on July 13, 2023 [9 favorites]

I was going to ask "what about the laser monks?" but rather disappointingly they suddenly disbanded in 2011 amid questions about their business practices.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:53 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

This is great and A+++ for the title!
posted by bluesky43 at 6:20 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Ever since I got that darn puzzle box, the Cenobites are being total pests, if I'm being honest. It's not a question of me visiting them, it's more about turning off the TV and hiding behind the couch whenever they start knocking and peering in the front window.
posted by Naberius at 6:36 AM on July 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

AD&D 2d Edition

Fun fact about D&D monks is that I didn’t know they were, like, the OTHER kind of monk till way later so I just assumed they were a bunch of friar tuck types doing king fu and shivering Pam attacks on people and it was pretty confusing.

It was the 80s, I was very sheltered.
posted by Artw at 7:00 AM on July 13, 2023 [7 favorites]

> ... list of missing monks...

Also missing: Tofu Roshi.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 7:18 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

That's the most I've ever had to consult Wikipedia in order to understand a short humor article on the internet.
posted by gwint at 7:25 AM on July 13, 2023 [9 favorites]

He's a bit rough in the Trappists. The Trappists near me (Abbey of the Genesee, they make Monks' Bread) are friendly and more than welcoming. No, you can't hang with them but you can stop by anytime.
posted by tommasz at 7:27 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Do they have booze?
posted by Artw at 7:30 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

I have a copy of Buñuel's Simón del desierto around here somewhere, I should go back and watch that again.
posted by gimonca at 7:43 AM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

Haha. I think I'm in the wrong thread. I shall pack my bag and relocate forthwith to church goers anonymous or its monkish equivalent.
posted by dutchrick at 7:52 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Now you have to sit up the pole.
posted by Artw at 8:02 AM on July 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

My experience with Trappists was unlike their description brief but friendly. Asked to sum up his life, one monk smiled a rather wicked smile and declared, “we’re the fun monks.”
posted by kinnakeet at 8:34 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

He's a bit rough in the Trappists. The Trappists near me (Abbey of the Genesee, they make Monks' Bread) are friendly and more than welcoming. No, you can't hang with them but you can stop by anytime.

Indeed. The Abbey of Gethsemane in Kentucky (where Thomas Merton lived) runs a wonderful silent retreat center. I highly recommend it, as does its daughter-house in Conyers, GA. Worth pointing out that the Trappists (Order of Cistercians of Strict Observance) hew very closely to the Rule of St. Benedict, central to which is that all visitors are to be received as Christ. Even the desert fathers and mothers were expected to set aside their spiritual disciplines (such as fasting) in the name of hospitality.

And for booze, sure. The companion monastery to St. Meinrad, where I'm studying, is a women's Benedictine community that runs a brewpub out back. The beer is excellent btw.
posted by jquinby at 9:02 AM on July 13, 2023 [8 favorites]

“we’re the fun monks.”

More fun than a barrel of monks?
posted by GenjiandProust at 9:49 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

Uptown, monk you up. Uptown, monk you up.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:54 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

>> “we’re the fun monks.”
> More fun than a barrel of monks?

to quote a friend who was briefly monastic: "some men become monks to get close to god, and some men become monks to get close to men."

my friend was one of the second type of monk and by all accounts he had quite the fun time. i don't think he and his monk friends ever hooked up in a barrel, but from the stories he's told me i wouldn't put it past them.
posted by bombastic lowercase pronouncements at 9:56 AM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

they said no, we’re chip monks

And where do chipmonks live? In a chipmonastery!
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:00 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

"Uptown monk, you up?"
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:00 AM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

MetaFilter: briefly monastic
posted by chavenet at 10:51 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

Uptown monk
He's been living in his uptown bunk
I bet he's never had a
back
street
boy
Alright!!


(idek what we're doing here but I'm in)
posted by MiraK at 11:00 AM on July 13, 2023 [12 favorites]

How. How does Danny have the time to write so much stuff and be so consistently brilliant and funny and smart over such a long period of time. Even this, which is basically just the blog for the stuff that overflows out his brain and doesn't have space to put elsewhere. The guy is too good.
posted by parm at 11:22 AM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

The Trappist monks in Conyers, Georgia (east of Atlanta) run a retreat center, as jquinby observed. They also have good fudge, although apparently they don't sell it by mail this time of year because of the heat.
posted by madcaptenor at 11:46 AM on July 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

Zen: we can co-be in each other’s presence, until it’s like an almost uncomfortable “who can be more present-er” eye contact stand off and which point just let the monk win.

Theravadan: come by if you want just Don’t Talk Ever. Friendly but brief eye contact is permitted precisely once.

Tibetan: come! We love to chat. By chat we mean intensely discuss minutiae. In fact, bring your debate hat. If you lose we convert you. This is non-optional.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:12 PM on July 13, 2023 [5 favorites]

They also have good fudge

They do! I order a fruitcake from them every year at Christmas time too!
posted by jquinby at 1:36 PM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

"Fun Monks" was a band name I came up with back in the 80s.

Made a cool logo in Aldus Freehand, and took it to Kinko's to print...

A couple hours later, we will still waiting for it to do so.

Maybe went overboard on shape gradients and such..

Fun Monks - Currently Current, Presently Present
(See also "Paper Nuncios")
posted by Windopaene at 5:03 PM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

So, can we begin the Beguines?
posted by lhauser at 6:59 PM on July 13, 2023 [4 favorites]

Here we come,
Walking down the street
Get the funniest looks from
Everyone we meet.
Hey! Hey! We're The Monks!
And people say we monk around!
We're too busy singing
To put anybody down.
posted by dannyboybell at 7:35 PM on July 13, 2023 [6 favorites]

Why do nuns,
live so far away?
In a house,
just to pray?
Just like thee,
they choose to be
cloistered, too!
posted by bartleby at 8:02 PM on July 13, 2023 [11 favorites]

Good grief, Bartleby, what a spooky coincidence - I've been trying to find a good way to end this ditty for like 20 minutes now-

Why did Mary
Suddenly appear
At Mount Carmel
When Simon was near?
Our Lady
Consecrate me
Scapularalooooo


(yours is way better :P I hate that)
posted by MiraK at 8:12 PM on July 13, 2023 [2 favorites]

That's okay I've been trying to come up with some kind of
Q: What do you call a (blank) at the (blank)?
A: a Trappist Jam!
because that stuff is delicious.
posted by bartleby at 8:25 PM on July 13, 2023 [1 favorite]

How many holy sisters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nun
posted by Carillon at 9:51 PM on July 13, 2023 [3 favorites]

Heard this from an Orthodox Catholic:

Q. How many Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Change?!?

or

A. Lightbulb?!?

yukyukyukyuk
posted by jquinby at 8:32 AM on July 14, 2023 [2 favorites]

I once worked for a company that was owned by the Korean immigrant who started it. And it made a great deal of money (until suddenly it didn't, and then it started defaulting on financing and got handed over to creditors and basically imploded. As you do.) But anyway, they did an annual Christmas party and my first Christmas there was the last year the company was seriously swimming in cash.

It was a huge blowout. They had a massive ballroom in the most posh hotel in our area. There were wandering jugglers and magicians, a Michael Jackson impersonator with a serious light and pyrotechnics show (a few years too late, but whatever).

And of course there were the guests. These fell into three broad classes. One was actual employees of the company. The second was members of the local Korean-American community. The owner and his wife were very well off and very prominent in Korean-American society circles. So a bunch of Korean-Americans who had no connection to the company, and had no real interest in mingling with us in the first group. And the third group (and thank you for bearing with me while I finally get to the reason I'm bringing this up here in this thread)...monks.

Owner's wife was apparently very serious about her Catholicism, and contributed a lot of money to some monastic order, and the monks got invited to the Christmas party. So there were company employees, a bunch of very well dressed and reserved Korean-Americans, and a bunch of guys in brown robes complete with the rope belts. Unlike the Korean-American contingent, those guys got down. They were fun, and they had a blast.

(The next year, the party was in the office, there was someone playing a cello, and the monks were not in evidence. The year after that, there was no party, as there was no more company.)
posted by Naberius at 9:26 AM on July 14, 2023 [2 favorites]