"I wish I knew no astronomy when stars appear."

September 28, 2023 3:09 PM

You just did the most legally significant thing you're ever gonna do other than die, and no one has explained any of it to you (SLYT). An interview with James Sexton: a divorce attorney's thoughts on love and marriage. "We are biological creatures, living in medieval institutions, with god-like technology. How do you think that ends?"

A longer interview, with Lex Fridman.

posted by kanuck (22 comments total)

His book is a good read, no need to be in a rocky relationship to get something useful out of it.
posted by dr_dank at 3:23 PM on September 28, 2023

Haven't watched the videos yet, but the book description doesn't flatter him much in my opinion. "Described by former clients as a “courtroom gunslinger” and “the sociopath you want on your side,”" Sir, are you a douche? Because if you're advertising yourself in that manner...you might be.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 3:41 PM on September 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

In the first twenty or so seconds, he describes how after his divorce, he got tired of dating. Like when you eat too much of a good thing. "I got that way with pussy," he said. No, thank you.
posted by lauranesson at 3:53 PM on September 28, 2023 [21 favorites]

with Lex Fridman . . .
posted by Heywood Mogroot III at 3:55 PM on September 28, 2023 [3 favorites]

Yuck. Also, he repeats again and again the totally debunked, inflated numbers on divorce. It is not over 50% and never has been. https://www.goldbergjones-or.com/divorce/50-divorce-rate-lie/ And his notion that the marriages that are not ending in divorce are loveless prisons is...unsupported by any evidence at all. He was animated, I'll give him that. I got about 10 minutes in and then said "why are you listening to this guy?" So I stopped. An hour of that? Yipes-yuck.
posted by Cassford at 4:08 PM on September 28, 2023 [20 favorites]

Sorry but I'm not in the position to watch an hour video to answer my initial question: How is getting divorced more legally significant than getting married in the first place?
posted by achrise at 4:20 PM on September 28, 2023 [8 favorites]

It’s more “legally significant” because some lawyers will make money off it.
posted by armoir from antproof case at 5:11 PM on September 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

He's off-putting, sure. Especially at the beginning. That said, I found his perspectives on things that lead to successful marriages interesting, if not surprising.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 5:14 PM on September 28, 2023 [2 favorites]

Any old idiot can say I do in five seconds, but it can take years to break up with them legally?
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:28 PM on September 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

For those who don't have an hour to watch this (or prefer to spend their time in other ways), there is a summary created by an AI summarizer that provides an overall summary plus summaries of each 5-minute segment.

I have to say, the summary doesn't make this sound particularly pleasant to watch. From a bit toward the end, the AI summary says

[he] discusses the differences between how divorced men and women are perceived by potential partners. He mentions that divorced men often find it easier to attract new partners, as women may see them as nurturing and ready-made families. On the other hand, divorced women may face judgment and be seen as having "baggage." The attorney also highlights the financial aspects of divorce, mentioning that women nowadays also pay alimony and that some women who consider themselves feminists may change their views when faced with the prospect of paying alimony.

... It seems to me plenty of women see divorced men as having baggage, and an increase in women paying alimony is certainly not going to change my belief in feminism.

Ick.
posted by kristi at 5:30 PM on September 28, 2023 [6 favorites]

Sorry but I'm not in the position to watch an hour video to answer my initial question: How is getting divorced more legally significant than getting married in the first place?

He IS referring to getting married in the first place, his POV is that many many people get married with a poor grasp of the full legal ramifications. Link to where he elaborates:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5z8-9Op2nM&t=1934s
posted by kanuck at 5:43 PM on September 28, 2023

He's right about that. But for the rest of the shtick, just watch War of the Roses.
posted by snuffleupagus at 6:20 PM on September 28, 2023

If you think a divorce is a nasty business - the worst fights I have seen is when people who were "living together" split up. THAT is far more emotionally wrecking because the relationship was often never explicitly defined and the parties may have completely different perceptions as to the nature of the relationship, eg. one sees it as a precursor to marriage, the other as a house share.

At least with a marriage there is a defined starting point AND there is, in most civilised jurisdictions, a process for ending the relationship in a reasonably fair way, often without the need for lawyers if there is an agreement to end the relationship.
posted by Barbara Spitzer at 6:25 PM on September 28, 2023 [5 favorites]

kristi, thank you SO much for that AI summary!
posted by jadepearl at 9:01 PM on September 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

You can believe that the how we do marriage is fucked up and also that this guy is kind of a putz.
posted by emjaybee at 10:19 PM on September 28, 2023 [1 favorite]

women see divorced men as having baggage,

It ain't just women, sister.
*gestures broadly at major US political candidates and billionaires that shouldn't exist, but for imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy

Amen.
posted by eustatic at 10:23 PM on September 28, 2023 [4 favorites]

It’s more “legally significant” because some lawyers will make money off it.

True. I got married the first time at a fairly young age, kind of impulsively. My recollection is that a marriage license had a fee of maybe fifteen dollars for it to be issued. Wife #1 and I went our separate ways and I eventually got divorced from her after decades of our not seeing one another to move on to the second marriage. It was absolutely the lowest conflict divorce possible and it still cost more than a hundred times what the act of marriage did.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:57 AM on September 29, 2023 [2 favorites]

> "It was absolutely the lowest conflict divorce possible and it still cost more than a hundred times what the act of marriage did."

Huh. My uncontested, no kids, no-arguments-about-division-of-goods divorce cost a couple hundred bucks, maybe, to file the necessary paperwork. More than than marriage license, sure, but an order of magnitude less than 100 times more.
posted by kyrademon at 8:21 AM on September 29, 2023 [4 favorites]

Eww. This guy literally sits up there and says men are smart, ingeniously productive, hardworking people who build value in society, and women are just... hot. What the FUCK is this even doing on MetaFilter. Disgusting. I'm not usually this categorical in dissing a bad post but shame on anyone who finds anything of value in this rank misogyny. Shame on you. You wouldn't post this here if it was filled with equivalent statements about people of color. You just think it's okay to hate women.
posted by MiraK at 10:06 AM on September 29, 2023 [26 favorites]

Yeah this is pretty stupid and gross. But I also find the institution of marriage pretty stupid and gross, so what do I know.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:01 PM on September 29, 2023 [1 favorite]

Men who reduce me to just my genitalia when they speak have so many interesting and worthwhile things to say? You WANT me to listen to him? Yeah, no thanks. I've already given at the office, so to speak (aka, been dealing with this shit my entire life).
posted by heyho at 7:28 AM on September 30, 2023 [16 favorites]

> For those who don't have an hour to watch this (or prefer to spend their time in other ways), there is a summary created by an AI summarizer that provides an overall summary plus summaries of each 5-minute segment.

Is this what we've been reduced to? Even here? That last place I would expect it? We can't invest the time to read (or watch) beyond the fold so we need an AI to summarise a very nuanced subject for us?

I'm deeply invested and involved (software engineering) in this stuff and I find myself banging my head against my desk more and more because attention spans are so low that we can no longer RTF(articles). We have to get an AI to summarise it for our ADHD mindsets? I'm worried about the death of critiical thinking, the (second) death of the author, and I'm seeing it more and more with this AI CHATGPT bolocks.

Be honest - how many of you got to the point that is quoted in the post title here? (24:48 in for those who are counting). How many of you got past two minutes? How many of you fell for the blatently clear "clickbait" intro of the video and didn't watch any more?

Look I'm not defending the subject here, who clearly comes across as extremely divisive, nor the editing techniques. But I expect more of metafilter's userbase. The video in question has some *very* interesting points of debate, and this is a deeply nuanced subject (the entire concept of marriage). 98% of it is worth watching. Just ignore the other 2% and don't dismiss it on that 2% alone.
posted by lawrencium at 12:07 PM on October 6, 2023 [2 favorites]