This is a funny story. This is a sad story.

December 18, 2023 7:41 AM

This is both of those things. Gavin Crawford tells a story about his mother, Alzheimer's, and Christmas trees.
posted by jacquilynne (14 comments total)

I was glad to read that. What a clever husband.
posted by Lookinguppy at 8:17 AM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

Reminds me of the year my grandma asked me what my favorite gift was 4 times in a row and I gave 4 different answers.

If you can figure out any way to have fun with it....
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:06 AM on December 18, 2023 [1 favorite]

That was lovely. Thank you for sharing.
posted by machine at 9:08 AM on December 18, 2023

It’s linked in the middle of the article, but I want to put an extra plug in for Gavin’s podcast series about living with a loved one with dementia: Let’s Not Be Kidding. He paints a lovely picture of his mom without glossing over the hard stuff. It’s poignant but also funny. He has great guests like Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall and the musician Jann Arden, who talk about their own parents’ dementia journeys.
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 9:10 AM on December 18, 2023 [4 favorites]

This is a great story. Reminds me of this link I found on MeFi not too long ago...

"Elder care doesn’t have the benefit of being “the best job in the world,” or being cute, for that matter. And perhaps most important, elder care doesn’t have as many jokes. There is no “You’re doing great, Mama” discourse on Facebook for those who care for elders. [...] To cope with the intimate challenges of caring for and loving people who can’t care for themselves, it’s essential to humanize both ourselves and the people we’re responsible for. One of the easiest and most fun ways to do that — as anyone who’s cared for a dying loved one already knows — is to laugh at the whole thing together. [...] A robust new wave of humor about the ongoing encounter between middle-aged people and their parents would reaffirm all of our humanity and maybe take some of the pointless shame out of being old in the first place. We treat people with kid gloves when we don’t know what to do with them but we know we owe them something, and that seems like a horrible way to be treated, at any time in one’s life."

I do have one Facebook friend who shares stories like the one in the link, of her mother's ability to be surprised by the things she once took for granted, and of the imaginative scenarios she comes up with to explain stuff that's out of place in her apartment or her routine. They can be funny stories -- as this one is. I think the fear is just that it would be embarrassing to the person in them, to share them.

But if they're gone, or people can genuinely feel they would be okay with it if they knew, or if it's shared in a small group of close friends... I do think it can have a lot of value to other people dealing with some of the same issues. To normalize it and find the humor and even sometimes the beauty in it.
posted by OnceUponATime at 9:31 AM on December 18, 2023 [3 favorites]

My mom is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and though I don't say anything, it crushes me when I call her and during the course of the conversation she will repeat things she has already said, or ask questions she has already asked. Of course, this will be the easiest part for my sister and me. The years ahead will be harder. But I love her so much that I can't comprehend what it will be like when all the stories and all the memories began to go away for good; I will be the one of the remaining guardians to them.
posted by Kitteh at 9:32 AM on December 18, 2023 [6 favorites]

I can't comprehend what it will be like when all the stories and all the memories began to go away for good;

We are in that stage right now. When mom doesn’t remember, my go-to line is, “That’s ok, mama. You taught me the family stories well. I’ll remember for the both of us.”

Love and good luck to all here who are managing this process for a loved one.
posted by Silvery Fish at 9:55 AM on December 18, 2023 [15 favorites]

My parents are not at this stage yet, and none of my grandparents suffered from dementia, but there is a history of it in my family so I worry about the day it might come. It's probably many years away, still, if it ever happens. But I worry.

The podcast, and this story, was a bit of light on a topic that can otherwise seem very dark (it didn't shy away from the hard/dark stuff, though; it struck a really good balance. Gavin Crawford is a great storyteller and I find his comedy works better in story form than delivering one-liners on This Hour Has 22-Minutes).
posted by asnider at 10:11 AM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

I lived with my grandmother from age 5 until I moved out as an adult, so when she started to lose sharpness to dementia toward the end, it was really difficult.

During her last hospital stay (actually it might have been on her last day), she turned to me and said, "What kind of hotel is this? This is the worst vacation I've ever been on!" and we bantered about it for a few minutes.

She was always a funny lady, so I have no idea if she was making a joke or not. It's honestly one of my favorite memories, despite how bittersweet it was.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:02 PM on December 18, 2023 [14 favorites]

My father in law is getting deep into dementia; he remembers people for the most part but has a lot of trouble understanding where he is or what he's doing. Here's a story of us taking him shopping a few months ago.

They're stressed because the care facility he and my mother in law currently live in doesn't have space in their dementia care area so they're afraid he's going to be sent someplace else. He wanders off, and falls down but physically can't get himself back up, he needs more full time care than my 70-plus-year-old mother in law can handle. It's tough on my wife because we live 600 miles away and do not get to see them often.

We're visiting them over New Year's, which they're coming to terms with may be my father-in-law's last Christmas given how poor his quality of life has gotten. Hopefully we can have a good time with him while we still have him around.
posted by AzraelBrown at 12:52 PM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

My mother-in-law has moderately severe Alzheimer's which makes her largely unable to cope with her very poor vision*. And makes her impulsive. Impuslivity and low vision don't play well together. She is in a very good memory care facility and does well there. We took her to a holiday musical performance yesterday; that went well.

She had a hard time at our house on Thanksgiving so my wife has decided she won't come over Christmas Day, which is sad. We're taking out for brunch on C_Eve and will go see her on C_Day.

*Due to a stroke, she has homonymous hemianopsia--she doesn't see the left half of whatever she looks at. She'll eat the right half of a plate of food, stop, and say she's still hungry. So I'll rotate her plate 180 degrees and then she'll see the remaining food and eat it. The interesting aspect of this is that it isn't just that she doesn't see the stuff on the left, she's utterly unaware of there being a left half of the universe. [eponymous posting FTW]
posted by neuron at 1:56 PM on December 18, 2023 [7 favorites]

(Oliver Sacks wrote about hemispatial neglect in The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat. If you haven't read it you've been living a deprived existence.)
posted by neuron at 1:59 PM on December 18, 2023 [2 favorites]

I wish my mother had suffered from the 'touching and amusing forgetfulness' type of dementia, not the 'terrified by everything constantly' type--or better yet, no dementia.
posted by tippiedog at 9:27 AM on December 19, 2023 [2 favorites]

Last February we put my father into a nursing home. His dementia has advanced to the point where he can't walk anymore, and he needs full-time nursing care. Tonight I went to see him after I finished work. The floor where he stays is a memory care ward, so all of the patients have some level of dementia. There are Christmas decorations all around, but none of the residents seem to notice them.

My father doesn't know who I am, but he knows that he loves me, and he knows that he's happy I'm visiting him. All of his stories are gone now, and he can't really tell me anything about his life or his day. Instead, I tell him stories about himself. Tonight I told him about how he used to try so hard to preserve the branches of our Christmas tree while getting it into the stand. And how my attention would wander as I held the flashlight that was supposed to be helping him see. He loves those stories, but he doesn't know them, and he won't remember them ten minutes after I tell him.

This year will be our first Christmas visiting him in the nursing home. I am dreading it, except that I know he'll be delighted to see my mother and me. I feel like it's stolen my father and the time I should have with him. And, worst of all, I know he would absolutely hate his life if he knew how he was living it.
posted by gladly at 5:53 PM on December 19, 2023 [3 favorites]