The Cheesemongers Know

January 4, 2024 5:46 PM

"Predicting the future using cheese is something I do as a side business, and from what I can tell, there aren’t very many of us doing this anymore."
posted by cupcakeninja (19 comments total)

Christianity was ingrained in most people, so looking for insight into one’s predestined future, or trying to find a way to gain control over it, led to widespread interest in divination.

...
I hope this tyromancer understands the future better than the past.

Interesting article, though! Thanks for posting.
posted by Not A Thing at 5:53 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

I’ve even read a fortune from a Kraft Singles slice

If processed cheese food is on the table, I want a Velveeta reading.
posted by EvaDestruction at 6:08 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

I feel like this was a gift made just for me!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 6:11 PM on January 4 [21 favorites]

Every tyromancer is right now and again, if only once in a bleu moon.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:22 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

This is dumb and also great.
posted by clawsoon at 6:53 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

edit: and also grate
posted by clawsoon at 6:56 PM on January 4 [11 favorites]

I need someone to read my cheese ASAP, please.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:10 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

My future according to cheese probably isn't that grate, but that won't stop me from eating it.
posted by mollweide at 7:59 PM on January 4

I grew up in lotus land and yea, this is my culture.
posted by zenon at 8:19 PM on January 4

Let's tell the future
Let's see how it's been done.
By numbers. By mirrors. By water.
By dots made at random on paper.

By salt. By dice.
By meal. By mice.
By dough of cakes.
By sacrificial fire.

By fountains. By fishes.
Writing in ashes.
Birds. Herbs.
Smoke from the altar...
posted by Nerd of the North at 10:01 PM on January 4 [6 favorites]

...smoke from the altar...
And fire in the sky.
posted by Calvin and the Duplicators at 11:32 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Never read your future in hard cheese.
posted by Phanx at 12:53 AM on January 5

There's a side quest involving Tyromancy in The Witcher 3.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 12:58 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]

You know, I always thought a determined seer could make something of the way I have pried an Oreo open. Reading the cream left behind on the bottom half of the Oreo, I mean. It's rarely the same twice (possibly I am in impatient Oreo separator?) so it's just like reading tea leaves in my case.

Now here come the cheez whiz readings!
posted by MiraK at 4:34 AM on January 5

At some point I feel like you have to at least pretend that "I can't do it, because this isn't cheese."
posted by Selena777 at 7:47 AM on January 5 [1 favorite]

The Chevre Sisters are recurring characters in the wonderfully queer and criminally underrated Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts. I sometimes softly chant to myself while making a cheese board.
posted by xedrik at 8:50 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]

Honestly, I'm not a believer, but get your cheese divination money. If it helps you survive capitalism, I'm all for it. All fromage it. Babybel-ieve that cheese will getcha rich. I'm bad at puns.
posted by signsofrain at 10:16 AM on January 5

I gave up on reddit back when the mod drama was going on and I'd been giving up on it anyhow, but something prompted me to open reddit last night and r/Unpopular Opinion featured someone ranting about how they don't like cheese and they're sick of hearing about cheese etc. and I've never felt so vindicated in walking away from something
posted by elkevelvet at 10:56 AM on January 5

I’ve even read a fortune from a Kraft Singles slice

If processed cheese food is on the table, I want a Velveeta reading.

I only listen to the divinations of Provel rope based tyromancy
posted by dis_integration at 12:34 PM on January 7