Therapists: We've heard everything
January 5, 2024 2:28 AM Subscribe
“For some, deciding to go to therapy is the hardest part of the process. For others, it's finding an affordable therapist. Nevertheless, once you make it onto your therapist's couch, you might find the hardest part is actually opening up out of fear your therapist will think you're weird. In reality, therapists have heard it all. In order to normalize these conversations and make people feel more comfortable sharing, mental health professionals across BuzzFeed and Reddit shared the most common thing their clients have been afraid to tell them that they really hear all the time.” Note: The linked article mentions sensitive topics including sexual assault, substance abuse, suicidal thoughts, abuse, and PTSD.
Therapist A: “Unwanted intrusive thoughts are normal and do not mean you are a bad person. By definition, these thoughts are unwanted because they go against your values and highlight what you don't want to do. However normal these thoughts are, the moral nature of these thoughts means that people often experience a lot of shame and take many years before they first tell someone about them. Yes, that includes intrusions of sexual, religious, and moral themes — like a religious person having unwanted blasphemous images pop into their mind or a new parent having unwanted sexual thoughts about their new baby.”
Therapist B: "Everything, dude, everything. You name it, I've heard it. Do you regret having your child and wish you never became a mom? OK. Do you love your spouse but don't know how you can go through the fight again if their cancer comes back? Yeah, I get that. Hard drugs? Shit, it's been a hard year. Do you want to quit your well-paying job to sell carved soap figurines? OK, well, let's talk through what that might look like. Do you like to collect teddy bears because they give you a special little tingle in your nether regions? I don't kink-shame."
Therapist A: “Unwanted intrusive thoughts are normal and do not mean you are a bad person. By definition, these thoughts are unwanted because they go against your values and highlight what you don't want to do. However normal these thoughts are, the moral nature of these thoughts means that people often experience a lot of shame and take many years before they first tell someone about them. Yes, that includes intrusions of sexual, religious, and moral themes — like a religious person having unwanted blasphemous images pop into their mind or a new parent having unwanted sexual thoughts about their new baby.”
Therapist B: "Everything, dude, everything. You name it, I've heard it. Do you regret having your child and wish you never became a mom? OK. Do you love your spouse but don't know how you can go through the fight again if their cancer comes back? Yeah, I get that. Hard drugs? Shit, it's been a hard year. Do you want to quit your well-paying job to sell carved soap figurines? OK, well, let's talk through what that might look like. Do you like to collect teddy bears because they give you a special little tingle in your nether regions? I don't kink-shame."
Yes, expressing certain things to certain therapists can have extremely negative consequences, so it's worth establishing trust and knowing how far it reaches before revealing too much. As in any other field, half the therapists out there are below average.
posted by rikschell at 4:43 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 4:43 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
I normally don't have time for BuzzFeed, particularly when it is lazily repackaging Reddit threads, but this listicle is actually valuable and I hope it reaches the many people who need to hear it.
I have also had to go through the whole "shameful admission" moment with a therapist when I was an adolescent. It was so bad I couldn't even say it; the therapist was a kindly older man, who suggested I write it down on paper instead. That was a real breakthrough for me. I was back in therapy a few more times as I dealt with other shameful things ("you're an alcoholic"; "you're a bad person for wanting to leave this relationship"; "you're a failure for wanting to leave this career"). Looking back, I am amazed at the scale of distress I was carrying, just because I felt I was somehow "wrong". I am glad I was eventually able to put that baggage down and embrace myself, and therapy played a role in that.
posted by Probabilitics at 4:49 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
I have also had to go through the whole "shameful admission" moment with a therapist when I was an adolescent. It was so bad I couldn't even say it; the therapist was a kindly older man, who suggested I write it down on paper instead. That was a real breakthrough for me. I was back in therapy a few more times as I dealt with other shameful things ("you're an alcoholic"; "you're a bad person for wanting to leave this relationship"; "you're a failure for wanting to leave this career"). Looking back, I am amazed at the scale of distress I was carrying, just because I felt I was somehow "wrong". I am glad I was eventually able to put that baggage down and embrace myself, and therapy played a role in that.
posted by Probabilitics at 4:49 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
I'm reading the post and thinking, "Oh, silly me, why would a rational person be hesitant to talk to a therapist? No one has to know but your therapist. It can never hurt to talk."
And then the first comments counter that with what amounts to, "Well, the cops could kick in your front door and take you away and not let you go home. Thanks to your dimwitted therapist."
posted by pracowity at 5:21 AM on January 5 [25 favorites]
And then the first comments counter that with what amounts to, "Well, the cops could kick in your front door and take you away and not let you go home. Thanks to your dimwitted therapist."
posted by pracowity at 5:21 AM on January 5 [25 favorites]
Clearly these are written by the good therapists. Every time it said something about how they don't kink-shame or try to get you hospitalised unnecessarily etc. I know someone who has a counterexample of when that happened to them.
So I wish I could trust any therapist to be like this, but I know that I can't.
posted by mathw at 5:29 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
So I wish I could trust any therapist to be like this, but I know that I can't.
posted by mathw at 5:29 AM on January 5 [33 favorites]
Yeah, as a therapy veteran, I’ve learned you really have to know how to word your ideation admissions in a way that doesn’t trigger the cops showing up at your door. I know that’s counter to how therapy is supposed to work, but it is what it is.
Luckily, the therapists I’ve seen (even the shit ones) had a short checklist of follow-up questions to make sure they didn’t feel compelled to call the cops. Simple stuff like “Do you have a plan?” and “Can you keep yourself safe?” Of course, you should know the right answers to give in order to not make them feel backed into a corner.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:33 AM on January 5 [7 favorites]
Luckily, the therapists I’ve seen (even the shit ones) had a short checklist of follow-up questions to make sure they didn’t feel compelled to call the cops. Simple stuff like “Do you have a plan?” and “Can you keep yourself safe?” Of course, you should know the right answers to give in order to not make them feel backed into a corner.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:33 AM on January 5 [7 favorites]
I think--this is just me--the point at which you have to word things in a special therapy-safe way so you don't get into trouble, is the point that therapy becomes a useless enterprise. I've been called into the big meetings to make sure my thoughts of hurting myself and others weren't going to turn into An Actual Event, and just, fuck, guys, I thought I could trust you with these thoughts because they're just part of the everyday background of me, I see death and violence everywhere, my imagination is one long horror movie, but the minute I mention this it becomes a legal process or whatever? Then how am I supposed to trust you with anything else? It's not like when I reveal my embarrassing food-poisoning phobias (like, literal poison; I grew up in the era of the cyanide-laced Tylenol, and it stayed with me), you gotta schedule a special meeting with Poison Control. Anyway. Yeah. Therapists might have heard everything, but you don't know if you've got one of the good ones until you say one of the problematic things...and then it's too late, the trust is gone. (And it's so sad, because when you think you've got a good one, just the fact that you can talk to someone is so optimistic and important--and then that all gets shut down and you're left with no one but your own brain.)
posted by mittens at 5:49 AM on January 5 [48 favorites]
posted by mittens at 5:49 AM on January 5 [48 favorites]
A good and insightful listicle.
But should I trust u/ImAPsychoLogist more than u/HighKeyHotMess and u/Eachfartisunique? Or perhaps less?
posted by Klipspringer at 6:15 AM on January 5 [7 favorites]
But should I trust u/ImAPsychoLogist more than u/HighKeyHotMess and u/Eachfartisunique? Or perhaps less?
posted by Klipspringer at 6:15 AM on January 5 [7 favorites]
yeah even if i got a therapist which is very unlikely there's entire motion picture studio soundstages of thoughts that i'd never ever talk about aloud because they are just too wrong to ever be said to anyone much less to someone who can push a button to call cops. jesus. this doesn't mean i'm going to do anything regrettable, it's just the way my god damn brain works visualizing everything that passes through my consciousness in 4k detail without the slightest prompting.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:18 AM on January 5 [11 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:18 AM on January 5 [11 favorites]
I love the comment "It's a lot like dating. If you don't click with the first one, move on until you find one you do click with." Truer words were never spoken. I'm absolutely certain that I'm not alone is saying that I have had the best and the worst in five decades of therapy, and I've got one the best ones I've ever worked with at the moment. Keep going: you'll find the person you click with and things will get better. It might take you decades, like it took me: it's not a race, and it's better to be old and reasonably well adjusted than the alternative.
I also have a psychiatrist that I see for five or so minutes every few months, who prescribed a medication that truly helps me, the first one out of over half a dozen that has done so without complications I couldn't manage! So you might need more than one person (and truly, this is the new mode for psychiatrists in the modern age of US health insurance norms: an MD/DO psychiatrist who prescribes and a licensed psychologist who listens), and you might need more than one medication—I was already taking something for anxiety when the shrink came along.
The point is that you're not alone in this: we're all concealing terrible truths, and we get stronger in the places where we've been mended.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 6:54 AM on January 5 [17 favorites]
I also have a psychiatrist that I see for five or so minutes every few months, who prescribed a medication that truly helps me, the first one out of over half a dozen that has done so without complications I couldn't manage! So you might need more than one person (and truly, this is the new mode for psychiatrists in the modern age of US health insurance norms: an MD/DO psychiatrist who prescribes and a licensed psychologist who listens), and you might need more than one medication—I was already taking something for anxiety when the shrink came along.
The point is that you're not alone in this: we're all concealing terrible truths, and we get stronger in the places where we've been mended.
posted by ivanthenotsoterrible at 6:54 AM on January 5 [17 favorites]
Ok so this is about a psychiatrist, not therapist, but still.
I was surprised when *she* was surprised that quite a few of my friends and acquaintances have killed themselves. I think it's about 9 or 10 people by now?
I assumed that suicide is actually fairly common if usually hushed up, but maybe I'm wrong ?
I told her it might be because most of my friends are artists / musicians / writers, many of them gay, and/or neurodivergent and living on the periphery of our society?
After her reaction, I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking to her about my own suicidal thoughts.
posted by Zumbador at 6:56 AM on January 5 [18 favorites]
I was surprised when *she* was surprised that quite a few of my friends and acquaintances have killed themselves. I think it's about 9 or 10 people by now?
I assumed that suicide is actually fairly common if usually hushed up, but maybe I'm wrong ?
I told her it might be because most of my friends are artists / musicians / writers, many of them gay, and/or neurodivergent and living on the periphery of our society?
After her reaction, I certainly didn't feel comfortable talking to her about my own suicidal thoughts.
posted by Zumbador at 6:56 AM on January 5 [18 favorites]
I confess that one of the things I want in a therapist is someone who won’t post about the kind of things I say on Reddit.
posted by Inkslinger at 7:01 AM on January 5 [49 favorites]
posted by Inkslinger at 7:01 AM on January 5 [49 favorites]
Right now I am currently working with an excellent therapist. I am so grateful for her as she is someone I feel comfortable enough to talk to about the oh so many issues that have snowballed over the years. I haven't had a bad therapist, but I have had ones where it felt like I wasn't being given enough homework. When I say homework, I mean encouraging me to do the deep dives even if things are sticky. Journaling or exercises, etc. Prompting me to talk more about X even if I want to pretend X isn't a big deal but it is a big deal.
Anyway, therapists are a land of contrasts. I hope people who need/want one find one that suits. It can be a lot of trial and error.
posted by Kitteh at 7:09 AM on January 5 [4 favorites]
Anyway, therapists are a land of contrasts. I hope people who need/want one find one that suits. It can be a lot of trial and error.
posted by Kitteh at 7:09 AM on January 5 [4 favorites]
You can still surprise therapists. I had a very nice grief therapist who was clearly unused to bereaved people who (a) actually processed their grief candidly and completely (50 years in recovery helps) and (b) was intellectually articulate and comfortable with a wide variety of personalities, orientations, and identities. Apparently I delighted him, and eventually he crossed his boundaries a little bit with me because he was so unaccustomed to someone like that, so I fired him because I am also (c) pretty comfortable with my own boundaries.
posted by Peach at 7:12 AM on January 5 [17 favorites]
posted by Peach at 7:12 AM on January 5 [17 favorites]
I've had bad therapists (visible negative reaction to mention of pot smoking, refused to talk about insurance, called me repeatedly after I fired him to tell me that I was firing him because of my daddy issues) and meh therapists (perfectly nice, eventually started asking me for advice on what grill to buy, didn't know what to say or do when I told him my father in law was diagnosed with inoperable and aggressive cancer). I've also had good therapists where I felt comfortable being vulnerable and that I was in capable hands. But none of those therapists - not one - got from me those thoughts and concerns that might trigger a breach of confidentiality. And no therapist ever will. Neither will any medical professional. It is, unfortunately, impossible for me to completely trust anyone like that.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:23 AM on January 5 [9 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:23 AM on January 5 [9 favorites]
For deeper reading, I highly recommend Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb.
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:29 AM on January 5 [10 favorites]
posted by tafetta, darling! at 7:29 AM on January 5 [10 favorites]
yeah even if i got a therapist which is very unlikely there's entire motion picture studio soundstages of thoughts that i'd never ever talk about aloud because they are just too wrong to ever be said to anyone much less to someone who can push a button to call cops
There is a great deal of trust that can be built up with therapists. Twice in my life I’ve found excellent therapists but it still took me a year with each of them to get to the really juicy stuff.
And there was no guesswork involved: I was able to ask during the interview “how are you going to react if I talk about violence or suicide?” I had one therapist I was interviewing respond “There’s nothing wrong with you and you should be talking about your feelings, but I am not personally able to work with you on suicide right now.”
I remember when I started tiptoeing into the stuff I found really shameful with my first therapist and they said ‘Sometimes I feel like an old French whore. I should be over here chain smoking and saying “I’ve heard everything, honey.”’
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:59 AM on January 5 [10 favorites]
There is a great deal of trust that can be built up with therapists. Twice in my life I’ve found excellent therapists but it still took me a year with each of them to get to the really juicy stuff.
And there was no guesswork involved: I was able to ask during the interview “how are you going to react if I talk about violence or suicide?” I had one therapist I was interviewing respond “There’s nothing wrong with you and you should be talking about your feelings, but I am not personally able to work with you on suicide right now.”
I remember when I started tiptoeing into the stuff I found really shameful with my first therapist and they said ‘Sometimes I feel like an old French whore. I should be over here chain smoking and saying “I’ve heard everything, honey.”’
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:59 AM on January 5 [10 favorites]
See, I would feel like even asking "what would you do if I talked about self-harm" would put in the mind of the therapist that self-harm was something I was thinking about and pretty much poison the well from the get-go.
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:21 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 9:21 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]
See, I would feel like even asking "what would you do if I talked about self-harm" would put in the mind of the therapist that self-harm was something I was thinking about and pretty much poison the well from the get-go.
I suppose. A good therapist might just ask “are you thinking of self-harm?” And when you said “No” just move on to what you actually were feeling. If they’re sitting there judging or having a secret agenda of their own they’re not very good therapists.
Another way it could play out might be “Why do you ask that?” followed by you saying “I’ve heard of it being a problem and people getting put away for it.” with the response “Is that sort of overreaction something you’ve experienced?” which could lead to an interesting discussion about your life experiences and why you might find therapy a delicate situation. However, that would require a lot of trust up front from you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:38 AM on January 5
I suppose. A good therapist might just ask “are you thinking of self-harm?” And when you said “No” just move on to what you actually were feeling. If they’re sitting there judging or having a secret agenda of their own they’re not very good therapists.
Another way it could play out might be “Why do you ask that?” followed by you saying “I’ve heard of it being a problem and people getting put away for it.” with the response “Is that sort of overreaction something you’ve experienced?” which could lead to an interesting discussion about your life experiences and why you might find therapy a delicate situation. However, that would require a lot of trust up front from you.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 9:38 AM on January 5
I knew I had found* my perfect therapist when I was like: "This is going to get pretty thorny and existential, man. You up for it?"
And he was like, 'Bring it. I love it when things get thorny and existential."
*I've been through a lot of therapists. The best ones I ever found I found by straight up asking friends who work locally in mental health. A lot of them know the landscape and may respond to, say, " Zero woo. Zero personal trainer but for brain stuff. Absolutely no gratitude journals. Needs to be fluent in digression and not married to one rigid therapeutic modality. Would be super great if they're cool with extended metaphors and literary allusions because that's how I talk when I'm stressed. " with an actual list of people that fit all/some/most of your preferences much more realistically than the form on your insurance company website
posted by thivaia at 9:45 AM on January 5 [13 favorites]
And he was like, 'Bring it. I love it when things get thorny and existential."
*I've been through a lot of therapists. The best ones I ever found I found by straight up asking friends who work locally in mental health. A lot of them know the landscape and may respond to, say, " Zero woo. Zero personal trainer but for brain stuff. Absolutely no gratitude journals. Needs to be fluent in digression and not married to one rigid therapeutic modality. Would be super great if they're cool with extended metaphors and literary allusions because that's how I talk when I'm stressed. " with an actual list of people that fit all/some/most of your preferences much more realistically than the form on your insurance company website
posted by thivaia at 9:45 AM on January 5 [13 favorites]
Previously, Maria Bamford gives the 28th Annual OCD Conference Keynote:
> Again and again and again she asked me more specifically whether I'd done these horrible things I was afraid of doing: was I planning to seduce Chihuahuas or genocide loved ones. I'm not sure why - maybe it was my million miles an hour backpedaling - but she did not believe me. We reached an impasse. She explained, "Hey, I'm a mandated reporter and I need to let the police know what we've spoken about today."
> "Oh. Oh. Okay, okay. Okay."
> "And it's been 45 minutes so we should probably wrap up."
> "So, do... do you take checks?""
> I paid her 75 dollars to call the police. She cashed it and the cops never showed because I live in Los Angeles.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:01 AM on January 5 [37 favorites]
> Again and again and again she asked me more specifically whether I'd done these horrible things I was afraid of doing: was I planning to seduce Chihuahuas or genocide loved ones. I'm not sure why - maybe it was my million miles an hour backpedaling - but she did not believe me. We reached an impasse. She explained, "Hey, I'm a mandated reporter and I need to let the police know what we've spoken about today."
> "Oh. Oh. Okay, okay. Okay."
> "And it's been 45 minutes so we should probably wrap up."
> "So, do... do you take checks?""
> I paid her 75 dollars to call the police. She cashed it and the cops never showed because I live in Los Angeles.
posted by AlSweigart at 10:01 AM on January 5 [37 favorites]
The worst experiences I've had with therapists are pretty minor, but when a therapist consistently doesn't seem to understand you, it puts you off expressing things. Like, what's the point of going to the effort to express something when a therapist just goes blank? And this isn't really tough or dark stuff, just neurodiverse stuff that they clearly aren't familiar with, and you end up spending more time educating them than getting anything.
And when your problems are basically 80% due to executive dysfunction, "just serially hire and fire therapists until you get a better one" seems both unfeasible and more effort than it could possibly be worth.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:04 AM on January 5 [41 favorites]
And when your problems are basically 80% due to executive dysfunction, "just serially hire and fire therapists until you get a better one" seems both unfeasible and more effort than it could possibly be worth.
posted by BungaDunga at 10:04 AM on January 5 [41 favorites]
One of my proudest moments was getting my usually unflappable therapist to do a double take when I told her my knee was hurting, because I'd been hit by an airplane.
posted by lharmon at 10:13 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
posted by lharmon at 10:13 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
The worst experience I ever had with a therapist was the one who told me conspiratorially that I wasn’t the kind of person she was really meant to be guiding (strong subtext: because I was rich and white). She was perfectly cordial to me for our brief relationship and yet I left horrified about what she (and the whole system) must be like with the people she thinks she’s there to save.
posted by eirias at 10:18 AM on January 5 [6 favorites]
posted by eirias at 10:18 AM on January 5 [6 favorites]
I had a therapist try to pressgang me into AA on the first session because I stated that I went to my local bar to socialize and play pinball more than once a week when they asked about alcohol use. I think they must have been in AA themselves or something similar because it was basically a fucking 12 step lecture from that point on. I was livid because I went there due to depression and anxiety and instead got what felt like someone trying to get me to join their MLM ladder. I kept trying to steer the conversation away from that topic but they insisted that any alcohol use was the root of all my problems and unless I joined AA I could never get over anything.
Turns out that was the only therapist my insurance covered who was currently taking patients. So I never got to see a decent therapist.
posted by Ferreous at 10:25 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
Turns out that was the only therapist my insurance covered who was currently taking patients. So I never got to see a decent therapist.
posted by Ferreous at 10:25 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
I have a therapist right now who is fantastic; a person of similar social values who is kink-aware and good at calling me on my bullshit without it feeling like I'm being judged. When I was twelve my court-appointed therapist had me shave his back in a women's restroom. I guess what I'm saying is that I've run the full spectrum of mental health professionals in terms of quality. It really is a numbers game.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:26 AM on January 5 [20 favorites]
posted by Parasite Unseen at 10:26 AM on January 5 [20 favorites]
There's lots of talk about bad therapists, but I want to say that the absolute best moment I had with my quite good therapist, well worth the price of admission, was when describing some awful family drama that was happening that honestly had nothing to do with me other than that I was caught up in it - drama that I was literally describing, without my feelings - and they gave me a look. One raised eyebrow, one furled eyebrow.
It is remarkable how much this moment did for me. There were revelations that followed.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 10:55 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
It is remarkable how much this moment did for me. There were revelations that followed.
posted by I EAT TAPAS at 10:55 AM on January 5 [8 favorites]
Trying a new one next week. [cross fingers] I've never gotten past a couple weeks, maybe a couple months in 30+ years of trying sporadically. Nice people... just not helpful. In several cases, seemed to have their own issues to clear up, which is totally fine but in order to feel like you can help me... I kind of have to believe you are able to help yourself?
posted by Glinn at 11:07 AM on January 5 [4 favorites]
posted by Glinn at 11:07 AM on January 5 [4 favorites]
Turns out that was the only therapist my insurance covered who was currently taking patients.
Agreed: the idea that you can "keep trying therapists/psychologists/doctors until you get a good one" comes from a position of privilege. A lot of people, especially disadvantaged ones who probably really need the service, don't have options.
posted by AzraelBrown at 11:18 AM on January 5 [19 favorites]
Agreed: the idea that you can "keep trying therapists/psychologists/doctors until you get a good one" comes from a position of privilege. A lot of people, especially disadvantaged ones who probably really need the service, don't have options.
posted by AzraelBrown at 11:18 AM on January 5 [19 favorites]
I've never been able to do the "shop-around" approach with therapists. I don't think I ever could, executive dysfunction, yada yada. I ended up at my current therapist after being fired by the previous one. It was still a godsend. I still, quite hypocritically, recommend that others shop around, because some of them might be able to pull it off. And it's no use prefacing it with "unless executive blah blah" because those people are usually at an early enough stage that they wouldn't even know if that applies to them.
IDK. Maybe I should stop, if all it does is make people feel worse.
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:31 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]
IDK. Maybe I should stop, if all it does is make people feel worse.
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:31 AM on January 5 [2 favorites]
I kept trying to steer the conversation away from that topic but they insisted that any alcohol use was the root of all my problems and unless I joined AA I could never get over anything.
The couples' therapist my ex and I saw wouldn't continue seeing us unless we agreed to give up caffeine. The unified front with which we left her office laughing hysterically probably bought our marriage a few more months lol.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:31 AM on January 5 [50 favorites]
The couples' therapist my ex and I saw wouldn't continue seeing us unless we agreed to give up caffeine. The unified front with which we left her office laughing hysterically probably bought our marriage a few more months lol.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 11:31 AM on January 5 [50 favorites]
I confess that one of the things I want in a therapist is someone who won’t post about the kind of things I say on Reddit.
what about on metafilter
posted by obliterati at 11:45 AM on January 5 [11 favorites]
what about on metafilter
posted by obliterati at 11:45 AM on January 5 [11 favorites]
One of my proudest moments was getting my usually unflappable therapist to do a double take when I told her my knee was hurting, because I'd been hit by an airplane.
posted by lharmon
Are you just gonna leave us hanging?
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 11:46 AM on January 5 [19 favorites]
posted by lharmon
Are you just gonna leave us hanging?
posted by a non mouse, a cow herd at 11:46 AM on January 5 [19 favorites]
Love this, thank you for posting.
Recently found the best therapist-match of my life, after taking a year break when my prior 5+ year therapist very aptly noticed we weren’t a great fit anymore and faded me out. I’ve always just had a series of fine-not-great-for-me ones and either never felt truly comfortable telling them things, or never felt like I could work with them to examine why I avoid doing the hard therapy work, rather than just feeling guilty about it at every session. but I guess I didn’t realize it could be better??? it’s so much work to find one, schedule, and deal with insurance/money when you need a new one and it’s so hard to do lightly (which is why I basically had to be dumped before starting over) but oh my god a good therapist match is huge.
posted by crime online at 11:50 AM on January 5 [3 favorites]
Recently found the best therapist-match of my life, after taking a year break when my prior 5+ year therapist very aptly noticed we weren’t a great fit anymore and faded me out. I’ve always just had a series of fine-not-great-for-me ones and either never felt truly comfortable telling them things, or never felt like I could work with them to examine why I avoid doing the hard therapy work, rather than just feeling guilty about it at every session. but I guess I didn’t realize it could be better??? it’s so much work to find one, schedule, and deal with insurance/money when you need a new one and it’s so hard to do lightly (which is why I basically had to be dumped before starting over) but oh my god a good therapist match is huge.
posted by crime online at 11:50 AM on January 5 [3 favorites]
Yes, that includes intrusions of sexual, religious, and moral themes — like a religious person having unwanted blasphemous images pop into their mind or a new parent having unwanted sexual thoughts about their new baby.”
I posted this article because of my deep shame that my infant’s sucking on a bottle during their first year of life made me think of a sexual act and those thoughts never went away. I weaned that kid as soon as possible and felt bad about that, too. I have never shared this particular nightmare with any of my several therapists nor with anyone else until right now. Turns out I am maybe not uniquely damaged. Too bad I didn’t know that a few decades ago.
So I am grateful that these therapists shared stuff their patients are reluctant to bring up so that the rest of us can discover that a bunch of the shit we are suffering over is incredibly common and that it doesn’t make us bad people. If you didn’t need to hear that, I am truly happy for you. If you did need to hear it, well, you are not alone.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:58 AM on January 5 [35 favorites]
I posted this article because of my deep shame that my infant’s sucking on a bottle during their first year of life made me think of a sexual act and those thoughts never went away. I weaned that kid as soon as possible and felt bad about that, too. I have never shared this particular nightmare with any of my several therapists nor with anyone else until right now. Turns out I am maybe not uniquely damaged. Too bad I didn’t know that a few decades ago.
So I am grateful that these therapists shared stuff their patients are reluctant to bring up so that the rest of us can discover that a bunch of the shit we are suffering over is incredibly common and that it doesn’t make us bad people. If you didn’t need to hear that, I am truly happy for you. If you did need to hear it, well, you are not alone.
posted by Bella Donna at 11:58 AM on January 5 [35 favorites]
IDK. Maybe I should stop, if all it does is make people feel worse.
It seems like a lot of people come out of bad therapy encounters with the belief that they're unfixable, or the belief that therapy in general is useless or worse than useless, and I think that it's important and useful to let people know that
a) the quality of therapists is WILDLY variable, and
b) even once you rule out the incompetent and unethical, it makes a difference just to have the right kind of personality match with your therapist. And maybe you don't have the executive function to keep shopping around until you find that right personality match, and that's okay! Maybe you can still learn some useful stuff from someone who you don't click as well with, and make room to forgive yourself AND THEM for the rest, instead of just thinking, "Therapy isn't working, guess I'm just a fundamentally awful human being!"
A couple of years ago, the quality of psychiatric care in rural Iowa not being the greatest, I wound up having my meds managed by a psychiatric NP who insisted on giving me life advice because the meds conversation was usually just a 10-minute conversation. This lasted until we had an argument about whether Iowa had too much industrial agriculture, in which he called me closed-minded and ignorant. He wasn't a therapist, and shouldn't have been trying to be a therapist, and that whole thing still managed to discombobulate me so badly that I needed to take a mental health day from work.
That has nothing to do with anything, except that...people are really vulnerable when they seek out mental health care. And when you know that your own perceptions may not be correct or objective - but you also don't know if you can entirely trust the perceptions of others - I think it's important for people to hear, "Go in the direction of people who make you feel understood. Go in the direction of people who make you feel listened to. They exist, even if you don't meet them on your first try."
posted by Jeanne at 12:09 PM on January 5 [14 favorites]
It seems like a lot of people come out of bad therapy encounters with the belief that they're unfixable, or the belief that therapy in general is useless or worse than useless, and I think that it's important and useful to let people know that
a) the quality of therapists is WILDLY variable, and
b) even once you rule out the incompetent and unethical, it makes a difference just to have the right kind of personality match with your therapist. And maybe you don't have the executive function to keep shopping around until you find that right personality match, and that's okay! Maybe you can still learn some useful stuff from someone who you don't click as well with, and make room to forgive yourself AND THEM for the rest, instead of just thinking, "Therapy isn't working, guess I'm just a fundamentally awful human being!"
A couple of years ago, the quality of psychiatric care in rural Iowa not being the greatest, I wound up having my meds managed by a psychiatric NP who insisted on giving me life advice because the meds conversation was usually just a 10-minute conversation. This lasted until we had an argument about whether Iowa had too much industrial agriculture, in which he called me closed-minded and ignorant. He wasn't a therapist, and shouldn't have been trying to be a therapist, and that whole thing still managed to discombobulate me so badly that I needed to take a mental health day from work.
That has nothing to do with anything, except that...people are really vulnerable when they seek out mental health care. And when you know that your own perceptions may not be correct or objective - but you also don't know if you can entirely trust the perceptions of others - I think it's important for people to hear, "Go in the direction of people who make you feel understood. Go in the direction of people who make you feel listened to. They exist, even if you don't meet them on your first try."
posted by Jeanne at 12:09 PM on January 5 [14 favorites]
And maybe you don't have the executive function to keep shopping around until you find that right personality match, and that's okay!
(Or you've run out of therapists who take your insurance, or you don't have many options in your geographic area, etc, etc.)
posted by Jeanne at 12:11 PM on January 5 [6 favorites]
(Or you've run out of therapists who take your insurance, or you don't have many options in your geographic area, etc, etc.)
posted by Jeanne at 12:11 PM on January 5 [6 favorites]
LOL, I kinda wanna have a fight about Iowan agriculture with someone now.
Therapy (or, in that particular case, something masquerading as therapy) is fucking hilarious. As long as my current therapist never retires, that is.
It's also why the interstate move we keep talking about as if it could ever happen is doomed.
posted by tigrrrlily at 12:18 PM on January 5
Therapy (or, in that particular case, something masquerading as therapy) is fucking hilarious. As long as my current therapist never retires, that is.
It's also why the interstate move we keep talking about as if it could ever happen is doomed.
posted by tigrrrlily at 12:18 PM on January 5
Let's say you're not normally a social person. Let's say you have trouble navigating social situations that others don't find daunting. Now let's say you want help with that.
In order to get therapy, you have to first figure out what your insurance will cover. You have to navigate whatever online portal or phone tree you'll need to use to schedule some sort of intake, which may be in person or over the phone, answering questions about your deepest problems to a total stranger. In cases where the intake isn't an individual office but a health services center, the person doing your intake may not even be a medical professional. You'll need to figure out how to phrase your issues appropriately based on their professional station. Once you've gotten past the intake session, you schedule an appointment to see a... counselor? Therapist? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Licensed... something? And hope that's an appropriate person for the complexity and seriousness of your issues, because nowhere is it spelled out explicitly who can help whom with what.
Then you need to make sure that the person you're seeing is using a reputable methodology, and has good credentials. And that you and they are compatible on a fundamental, yet undefinable level. And that they're not trying to recruit you into a cult or take advantage of you sexually or are just plain poor therapists or any number of bad outcomes that you've heard about in your quest to figure out how the hell to get therapy.
And throughout this process, you have to do a delicate and complex social dance in which you have to be honest about your thoughts and feelings, but if you're too honest or say anything outside boundaries that will never be defined for you, you can be incarcerated and subjected to involuntary medical procedures which may help, but also may do irreparable harm.
If you're wondering why therapists can't help with the epidemic of loneliness we're currently experiencing, this might be a clue. People who have trouble with social relations have to exhibit advanced skills in social relations in order to simply approach therapy. It's like having to fight your way into the dojo to take the beginner's class.
posted by MrVisible at 12:24 PM on January 5 [56 favorites]
In order to get therapy, you have to first figure out what your insurance will cover. You have to navigate whatever online portal or phone tree you'll need to use to schedule some sort of intake, which may be in person or over the phone, answering questions about your deepest problems to a total stranger. In cases where the intake isn't an individual office but a health services center, the person doing your intake may not even be a medical professional. You'll need to figure out how to phrase your issues appropriately based on their professional station. Once you've gotten past the intake session, you schedule an appointment to see a... counselor? Therapist? Psychologist? Psychiatrist? Licensed... something? And hope that's an appropriate person for the complexity and seriousness of your issues, because nowhere is it spelled out explicitly who can help whom with what.
Then you need to make sure that the person you're seeing is using a reputable methodology, and has good credentials. And that you and they are compatible on a fundamental, yet undefinable level. And that they're not trying to recruit you into a cult or take advantage of you sexually or are just plain poor therapists or any number of bad outcomes that you've heard about in your quest to figure out how the hell to get therapy.
And throughout this process, you have to do a delicate and complex social dance in which you have to be honest about your thoughts and feelings, but if you're too honest or say anything outside boundaries that will never be defined for you, you can be incarcerated and subjected to involuntary medical procedures which may help, but also may do irreparable harm.
If you're wondering why therapists can't help with the epidemic of loneliness we're currently experiencing, this might be a clue. People who have trouble with social relations have to exhibit advanced skills in social relations in order to simply approach therapy. It's like having to fight your way into the dojo to take the beginner's class.
posted by MrVisible at 12:24 PM on January 5 [56 favorites]
Sweet Jesus, am I glad my access to finding a therapist doesn't hinge on insurance. It's always been dependent on my bank account (never fat at the best of times) and finding the capacity to contact so many of them to find a good fit.
posted by Kitteh at 12:33 PM on January 5 [3 favorites]
posted by Kitteh at 12:33 PM on January 5 [3 favorites]
I had a therapist try to pressgang me into AA on the first session because I stated that I went to my local bar to socialize and play pinball more than once a week when they asked about alcohol use. I think they must have been in AA themselves or something similar because it was basically a fucking 12 step lecture from that point on.
Wow, as someone who's been going to meetings for more than a dozen years and has even chaired some, that's an awful idea and neither good therapy nor good AA practice.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:38 PM on January 5 [3 favorites]
Wow, as someone who's been going to meetings for more than a dozen years and has even chaired some, that's an awful idea and neither good therapy nor good AA practice.
posted by Halloween Jack at 12:38 PM on January 5 [3 favorites]
A lot of them know the landscape and may respond to, say, " Zero woo. Zero personal trainer but for brain stuff. Absolutely no gratitude journals. Needs to be fluent in digression and not married to one rigid therapeutic modality. Would be super great if they're cool with extended metaphors and literary allusions because that's how I talk when I'm stressed. " with an actual list of people that fit all/some/most of your preferences much more realistically than the form on your insurance company website
God, this is such a fucking wish list. I'm currently trying to find a therapist with an eye towards picking up EMDR to try and knock some shit loose, but flipping through the Psychology Today profiles just leaves me feeling even worse about being unfixable and unidentifiable. I can find lots of other adult AuDHD folks with trauma to bitch with, but I apparently can't find a mental health professional that is familiar with this population in adulthood. This baffles and vexes me. It's not like it's hard to listen to neurodivergent people yelling, is it? I mean, it's not like there aren't tons of us?
Why the fuck are the "personal trainer for brain" people everywhere? Who is hiring them? Are people with that much disposable money that common? I don't want a personal trainer for my brain, I want a physiotherapist familiar with my basic population and confident about what kinds of exercise will neither harm me further nor leave me floundering in my present state forever. And, much like physiotherapists familiar with hyperflexibility (to use an equally bitter example from a number of my friends), they don't seem to exist in accessible numbers. I want someone with a toolbox.
The best luck I have actually had is with group therapy--there was another person with some of the same issues as mine, and I was able to observe them learning to manage their body and ground themself using some basic techniques, which let me pick them up and start practicing them when I was overwhelmed. I had had the same therapist in individual therapy for two or three years. Never fucking came up.
I have explained my subjective experiences with hyperventilating and experiencing subjective terror without actually losing my head and panicking to, oh, at least three or four therapists and psychiatrists going "hey, do these sound like panic attacks to you?" without getting one who could give me an answer that felt remotely meaningful. Or take how long it took me trying to describe dissociation before I ran into someone who actually asked questions to ask what I was talking about (five years). It feels to me very strongly like what mental health professionals want is for me to simultaneously not walk into the room knowing what diagnostic categories are and what might be applicable, and also to list my experiences in exactly the same metaphors and shorthands as the textbooks provide. Which, look, the PhD in eco/ecol/behavior and the bachelor's in psychology take that off the fucking table, thanks, so what? Did I educate myself out of being treatable or something?
Could be worse, I guess; more of them could have been like the therapist who told me to meditate in the university meditation room when I tried to get help after my apartment burned down, and who was so bewildered and confused when this did not solve my problems that I wound up bursting into tears and then having to reassure her when she was horrified I was crying. Then I ghosted.
People really are so vulnerable when it comes to mental health care. I'm not an exception. I just wish there was a way to screen out people who don't have any idea what to do with me in some meaningful way. I can't even filter by "autism as a modality of interest" because then I get flooded with people who work with small children. How does anyone find a good therapist? Is it just playing the numbers games over and over again?
posted by sciatrix at 12:51 PM on January 5 [25 favorites]
God, this is such a fucking wish list. I'm currently trying to find a therapist with an eye towards picking up EMDR to try and knock some shit loose, but flipping through the Psychology Today profiles just leaves me feeling even worse about being unfixable and unidentifiable. I can find lots of other adult AuDHD folks with trauma to bitch with, but I apparently can't find a mental health professional that is familiar with this population in adulthood. This baffles and vexes me. It's not like it's hard to listen to neurodivergent people yelling, is it? I mean, it's not like there aren't tons of us?
Why the fuck are the "personal trainer for brain" people everywhere? Who is hiring them? Are people with that much disposable money that common? I don't want a personal trainer for my brain, I want a physiotherapist familiar with my basic population and confident about what kinds of exercise will neither harm me further nor leave me floundering in my present state forever. And, much like physiotherapists familiar with hyperflexibility (to use an equally bitter example from a number of my friends), they don't seem to exist in accessible numbers. I want someone with a toolbox.
The best luck I have actually had is with group therapy--there was another person with some of the same issues as mine, and I was able to observe them learning to manage their body and ground themself using some basic techniques, which let me pick them up and start practicing them when I was overwhelmed. I had had the same therapist in individual therapy for two or three years. Never fucking came up.
I have explained my subjective experiences with hyperventilating and experiencing subjective terror without actually losing my head and panicking to, oh, at least three or four therapists and psychiatrists going "hey, do these sound like panic attacks to you?" without getting one who could give me an answer that felt remotely meaningful. Or take how long it took me trying to describe dissociation before I ran into someone who actually asked questions to ask what I was talking about (five years). It feels to me very strongly like what mental health professionals want is for me to simultaneously not walk into the room knowing what diagnostic categories are and what might be applicable, and also to list my experiences in exactly the same metaphors and shorthands as the textbooks provide. Which, look, the PhD in eco/ecol/behavior and the bachelor's in psychology take that off the fucking table, thanks, so what? Did I educate myself out of being treatable or something?
Could be worse, I guess; more of them could have been like the therapist who told me to meditate in the university meditation room when I tried to get help after my apartment burned down, and who was so bewildered and confused when this did not solve my problems that I wound up bursting into tears and then having to reassure her when she was horrified I was crying. Then I ghosted.
People really are so vulnerable when it comes to mental health care. I'm not an exception. I just wish there was a way to screen out people who don't have any idea what to do with me in some meaningful way. I can't even filter by "autism as a modality of interest" because then I get flooded with people who work with small children. How does anyone find a good therapist? Is it just playing the numbers games over and over again?
posted by sciatrix at 12:51 PM on January 5 [25 favorites]
So I am grateful that these therapists shared stuff their patients are reluctant to bring up so that the rest of us can discover that a bunch of the shit we are suffering over is incredibly common
Yeah. I thought the bit about intrusive thoughts was interesting. I knew it was a common-ish thing but not much more than that.
I can't imagine seeing a therapist for it. For me more detail on how or why I can be talking to someone and my inner monologue has spent a few seconds determining the single most offensive, hateful, racist, misogynistic, homophobic collection of terms possible (based on who's present) that would offend as many people in earshot as possible then playing that on a loop... all while I'm trying to have a conversation and also look like I'm not horrified by what I'm hearing? That would be illuminating.
But if there's no "fix" and a non-zero chance it gets the cops called that feels like way more risk than reward. So anything they're willing to openly comment on there is certainly welcome. Even if it's on buzzfeed. I'll take it.
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 12:58 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
Yeah. I thought the bit about intrusive thoughts was interesting. I knew it was a common-ish thing but not much more than that.
I can't imagine seeing a therapist for it. For me more detail on how or why I can be talking to someone and my inner monologue has spent a few seconds determining the single most offensive, hateful, racist, misogynistic, homophobic collection of terms possible (based on who's present) that would offend as many people in earshot as possible then playing that on a loop... all while I'm trying to have a conversation and also look like I'm not horrified by what I'm hearing? That would be illuminating.
But if there's no "fix" and a non-zero chance it gets the cops called that feels like way more risk than reward. So anything they're willing to openly comment on there is certainly welcome. Even if it's on buzzfeed. I'll take it.
posted by howbigisthistextfield at 12:58 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
Okay. deep, less-frustrated breath: I will say that I've had some incredibly useful experiences with a couple's therapist who is capable of observing what someone who is triggered looks like and will listen and build ideas that
And actually, the described experiences here are exactly the kinds of things I try to engage in therapy for: the lived experience shit and the, hmm, the shit we don't talk about that is actually pretty normal. For example, the bits about hallucinations and intrusive thoughts here, and how they often look and show up in folks. That stuff isn't as easy to find, and it's really important for people to have access to that kind of information and someone who will walk them through the weirder things our brains do. I had run into this information before, but mostly in the context of people with various shit going on who felt safe enough to talk about them in spaces I was reading, or to talk about them with me directly. That is way too important to leave up to chance for people to find!
33. "The number of people who are unaware of their own emotions and emotional process is astounding. So many people feel only 'angry' or 'happy' and worry something must be wrong with them otherwise. Normalizing feeling the whole gamut is just as important."
Yes! This! Emotional processes are hard and no one talks about it!
posted by sciatrix at 1:04 PM on January 5 [6 favorites]
And actually, the described experiences here are exactly the kinds of things I try to engage in therapy for: the lived experience shit and the, hmm, the shit we don't talk about that is actually pretty normal. For example, the bits about hallucinations and intrusive thoughts here, and how they often look and show up in folks. That stuff isn't as easy to find, and it's really important for people to have access to that kind of information and someone who will walk them through the weirder things our brains do. I had run into this information before, but mostly in the context of people with various shit going on who felt safe enough to talk about them in spaces I was reading, or to talk about them with me directly. That is way too important to leave up to chance for people to find!
33. "The number of people who are unaware of their own emotions and emotional process is astounding. So many people feel only 'angry' or 'happy' and worry something must be wrong with them otherwise. Normalizing feeling the whole gamut is just as important."
Yes! This! Emotional processes are hard and no one talks about it!
posted by sciatrix at 1:04 PM on January 5 [6 favorites]
I’ve had a lot of moments of insight over the years, which is why I’ve continued with therapists far beyond the first few years when I really needed one. What can I say? I find myself a compelling mystery.
The best piece of insight I ever got from someone else’s therapist was relayed by ex-wife, whose therapist responded to a description of a tense encounter between us as “it sounds like you were setting yourself up to be abused and he was responding like someone who had been abused.”
On the count of three, everyone try to recreate their childhood!
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:58 PM on January 5 [5 favorites]
The best piece of insight I ever got from someone else’s therapist was relayed by ex-wife, whose therapist responded to a description of a tense encounter between us as “it sounds like you were setting yourself up to be abused and he was responding like someone who had been abused.”
On the count of three, everyone try to recreate their childhood!
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:58 PM on January 5 [5 favorites]
I did surprise my therapist once at the very beginning of our relationship when I claimed to be a 27 year-old male American who had never been drunk or stoned. He didn’t come straight out and accuse me of lying but it was pretty close.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:00 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:00 PM on January 5 [2 favorites]
Over the years my high regard for therapy has diminished somewhat as I’ve come to think many of the issues people seek out therapy for tend to be rooted in organic, physiological, infectious disease, and immunological problems, exposure to toxins, and so on. Issues such as depression, OCD, anxiety disorders, BPD, burnout, chronic pain, various manifestations of psychosis and delirium, and etc.
And not only that, because those issues are in my opinion often preventing or ameliorating something even worse than they are.
However, I’ve seen lots of people with those issues be helped by therapy.
But it’s definitely been a change to go from seeing the illnesses as psychosomatic to seeing the therapy related successful treatments as psychosomatic.
posted by jamjam at 2:17 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]
And not only that, because those issues are in my opinion often preventing or ameliorating something even worse than they are.
However, I’ve seen lots of people with those issues be helped by therapy.
But it’s definitely been a change to go from seeing the illnesses as psychosomatic to seeing the therapy related successful treatments as psychosomatic.
posted by jamjam at 2:17 PM on January 5 [1 favorite]
But it’s definitely been a change to go from seeing the illnesses as psychosomatic to seeing the therapy related successful treatments as psychosomatic.
I don’t know that they’re orthogonal. A chunk of my therapy has been coming to grips with the physiological problems I’m stuck with and undoing all the psychological damage I did to myself before realizing that, yup, my body just wasn’t built to spec.
Integrating and coping with the reality of physiological issues was (is) a long journey for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:31 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]
I don’t know that they’re orthogonal. A chunk of my therapy has been coming to grips with the physiological problems I’m stuck with and undoing all the psychological damage I did to myself before realizing that, yup, my body just wasn’t built to spec.
Integrating and coping with the reality of physiological issues was (is) a long journey for me.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:31 PM on January 5 [7 favorites]
Me too, tell me no lies.
But there is a drawback in that kind of physiological self aware therapy.
You don't — I should probably merely say I don’t — seem to get the faith healing/placebo enhancement available from more naive therapy, and I think that’s a considerable loss.
posted by jamjam at 3:00 PM on January 5
But there is a drawback in that kind of physiological self aware therapy.
You don't — I should probably merely say I don’t — seem to get the faith healing/placebo enhancement available from more naive therapy, and I think that’s a considerable loss.
posted by jamjam at 3:00 PM on January 5
It's like having to fight your way into the dojo to take the beginner's class.
That's a great simile, MrVisible!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:29 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
That's a great simile, MrVisible!
posted by Greg_Ace at 3:29 PM on January 5 [4 favorites]
Cops ruin everything for vulnerable people. Therapists don't call the cops for fun, it's because they fear consequences if they don't.
It's almost as if the cops are there to punish people for being divergent in any way at all from standards which are arbitrary, subjective and unwritten.
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 4:55 PM on January 5 [8 favorites]
It's almost as if the cops are there to punish people for being divergent in any way at all from standards which are arbitrary, subjective and unwritten.
posted by Rev. Irreverent Revenant at 4:55 PM on January 5 [8 favorites]
If I can't talk about suicide or self harm, then what's the point of therapy?
posted by Braeburn at 5:01 PM on January 5 [14 favorites]
posted by Braeburn at 5:01 PM on January 5 [14 favorites]
I now am asked on a daily basis if I have suicidal thoughts. Every day the answer is yes, which is going to continue as long as the bad job situation does. They then ask me if I have a plan to do it, do I plan on harming myself or anyone else. I say no to all of that. Then the conversation moves on, every time. So far nobody's called the nice young men in the clean white coats on me yet. My current therapist said it takes a lot for the nice young men in the clean white coats to be called, usually.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:53 PM on January 5 [5 favorites]
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:53 PM on January 5 [5 favorites]
It's the much less nice men in blue coats you need to really worry about, in my experience. I went regale you with the scene of police violence I interrupted a few weeks ago, but my neighbour's crime, that led to him being tackled to the ground and beaten? Not even anything he said. He just missed one appointment and that was enough to spook the therapist to call the police, who know no language but violence.
posted by Dysk at 1:49 AM on January 6 [7 favorites]
posted by Dysk at 1:49 AM on January 6 [7 favorites]
Jesus. The beatings will continue until morale improves, indeed.
posted by eirias at 3:22 AM on January 6 [3 favorites]
posted by eirias at 3:22 AM on January 6 [3 favorites]
By "virtue" of being white, and relatively functional, I once got two police officers to leave after being called to our house by my boyfriend-at-the-time, who was acting on the advice of my psychiatrist. I was on the phone scheduling a dog grooming appointment at the time, and said "OK, so we'll see you then, there are some police officers knocking on the door so I'll have to go now"
I'd never acted so sane in my life.
Then once he got home my bf drove me to the ER. It's not like he didn't have a point.
Through a combination of instinct and sheer luck, I picked the correct ER and actually received care relatively quickly.
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:11 AM on January 6 [5 favorites]
I'd never acted so sane in my life.
Then once he got home my bf drove me to the ER. It's not like he didn't have a point.
Through a combination of instinct and sheer luck, I picked the correct ER and actually received care relatively quickly.
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:11 AM on January 6 [5 favorites]
For somewhat pedantic accuracy's sake, I'd been broken up with at the time but completely lacked the ability to arrange a move. Which, well. Not a low-stress situation to be in.
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:19 AM on January 6 [2 favorites]
posted by tigrrrlily at 11:19 AM on January 6 [2 favorites]
My free therapist is a young graduate student getting her degree in marriage and family therapy. She's awesome. One time she told me"I have never been disappointed in you" and I cried! Yay therapy! I've been reading Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and have really enjoyed it.
posted by mecran01 at 9:19 PM on January 6 [4 favorites]
posted by mecran01 at 9:19 PM on January 6 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Hi, please take a seat and tell us about you feel about this post being in the Best Of blog!
(This is just a mild joke about telling us, no need to actually do!)
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 8:28 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]
(This is just a mild joke about telling us, no need to actually do!)
posted by Brandon Blatcher (staff) at 8:28 AM on January 10 [2 favorites]
And this isn't really tough or dark stuff, just neurodiverse stuff that they clearly aren't familiar with, and you end up spending more time educating them than getting anything.
This. My therapist (years ago) was a bubbling extrovert, and I am an awkward introvert. I was asking advice about how to navigate social events and meeting people and he didn't understand why just walking up to people and talking to them didn't work.
Me: I'm trying to connect to people at parties, but I stand around and no one talks to me. So I then try walking up to groups and waiting for a break in the conversation, but that doesn't work either.
Him: Well, you have to wait for them to let you in.
Me: But they aren't.
Him: Well, then they're the wrong group for you, try a different group.
Me: This happens literally every time I try to talk to any group.
Him: *brain explodes*
Me: How do I connect with guys at singles events?
Him: Ask them questions.
Me: *Goes out and asks questions* It didn't work. All they said was yep or nope, and the conversation died.
Him: Don't use yes or no questions, try things like like what is your favorite band, and why do you like them.
Me *Goes out and asks questions* It didn't work. They said the name of the band, and "I dunno," and the conversation died.
Him: Well then, that's not the right guy for you, move on to another one.
Me: This happens literally every time I try to talk to any guy.
Him: *brain explodes*
At the end he wound up yelling at me and saying come back when I was ready to try harder.
And yet at the same time, he gave me career advice that literally saved my life, I don't know where I'd be without that. Go figure.
posted by Melismata at 1:02 PM on January 10 [6 favorites]
This. My therapist (years ago) was a bubbling extrovert, and I am an awkward introvert. I was asking advice about how to navigate social events and meeting people and he didn't understand why just walking up to people and talking to them didn't work.
Me: I'm trying to connect to people at parties, but I stand around and no one talks to me. So I then try walking up to groups and waiting for a break in the conversation, but that doesn't work either.
Him: Well, you have to wait for them to let you in.
Me: But they aren't.
Him: Well, then they're the wrong group for you, try a different group.
Me: This happens literally every time I try to talk to any group.
Him: *brain explodes*
Me: How do I connect with guys at singles events?
Him: Ask them questions.
Me: *Goes out and asks questions* It didn't work. All they said was yep or nope, and the conversation died.
Him: Don't use yes or no questions, try things like like what is your favorite band, and why do you like them.
Me *Goes out and asks questions* It didn't work. They said the name of the band, and "I dunno," and the conversation died.
Him: Well then, that's not the right guy for you, move on to another one.
Me: This happens literally every time I try to talk to any guy.
Him: *brain explodes*
At the end he wound up yelling at me and saying come back when I was ready to try harder.
And yet at the same time, he gave me career advice that literally saved my life, I don't know where I'd be without that. Go figure.
posted by Melismata at 1:02 PM on January 10 [6 favorites]
Hi, please take a seat and tell us about you feel about this post being in the Best Of blog!
Highly mixed feelings tbh
posted by tigrrrlily at 6:31 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]
Highly mixed feelings tbh
posted by tigrrrlily at 6:31 PM on January 10 [2 favorites]
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I expressed this to my therapist on the phone and the police showed up at my door and told me I needed to go with them to the hospital. They said if I didn’t comply they would be forced to take me and then since I wasn’t voluntarily admitted that I would need to be released on the hospital’s discretion. I didn’t have a plan, I was experiencing suicidal ideation, which is not unusual, as this article points out.
posted by waving at 4:33 AM on January 5 [70 favorites]