How hawkish.
September 19, 2003 5:23 AM   Subscribe

posted by nthdegx at 5:34 AM on September 19, 2003

Good one, Aaorn. My favourite bit?

laurent from paris:

hi i would like to know where i can buy tony hawks wears thanks

Tony Hawks:

Your English sentence is a poor one, all things considered. Perhaps a little more time doing English homework and a little less time arsing around on a skateboard might be the best course of action. What do you think?

posted by pooligan at 5:40 AM on September 19, 2003

Classic. I still have in my record collection a copy of Stutter Rap (No Sleep 'Til Bedtime) he made with his group Morris Minor and the Majors about 15 years ago.

"Rappin is my bread and butter
but it's hard to rap
when you're born with a st. st. st. st. st. st ... "
posted by Frasermoo at 5:41 AM on September 19, 2003

Top stuff. His book 'Round Ireland with a Fridge' is well worth reading. Stay away from the others, though, they stink like a young Swiss person's English.

I had no idea he was involved in Stutter Rap. The things you learn on metafilter..
posted by ascullion at 5:43 AM on September 19, 2003

Amusing, but jokes about 10 year olds' grammatical skills aren't really aiming too high. I think his dismissive attitude to skateboarding might have got up my nose a bit, heh, get a real job you young scallywag and all that...
posted by Onanist at 5:49 AM on September 19, 2003

These skateboarding emails are probably the funniest thing he does. I find him a little contrived at times. The Fridge book is a good example of this - it's entertaining, but too "ooh I'm funny and wacky so look at me" type of way.

Sure he's a lovely chap though. And ascullion - I think there's a picture of him in his Morris Minor days in the Fridge book. Was in my version anyway...
posted by jontyjago at 5:52 AM on September 19, 2003

I think there's a picture of him in his Morris Minor days in the Fridge book.

I think I had a review proof, with no photos. I used to do some promotional work for the publishers..
posted by ascullion at 5:56 AM on September 19, 2003

It's true - he's possibly at his best as an occasional panelist on day-time TV. So which of you are planning to email him?
posted by nthdegx at 6:12 AM on September 19, 2003

"PS. There are only three h’s in yeahhh"

Wow. Somebody award this gentleman for his amazing insight and humorously astute observations regarding young people who accidenty mistake a skateboarding champion with an undeniable prick.

Oh. That was sarcasm back there in case you missed it.
posted by ZachsMind at 6:36 AM on September 19, 2003

I found this pretty funny. Thanks for the link.
posted by UKnowForKids at 6:40 AM on September 19, 2003

Stutter Rap (No Sleep 'Til Bedtime)

You are my Hero of The Day for reminding me of that, and giving me a link to the mp3. Filling in gaps in my decades of Mental Swiss Cheese Life.

Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh thirteen.

Hee hee.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:50 AM on September 19, 2003

"PS. There are only three h’s in yeahhh"

I found that to be very funny. He wasn't being "condescending" that I can tell -- he was being very humorous.
posted by davidmsc at 7:29 AM on September 19, 2003

Funny how people react to this. I, for one, found this to be very, very humorous. It hit my funnybone in the same way that the "I am better than your kids" post did about a year ago. Maybe that says something about me. Like I think kids are stupid. Or something.
posted by psmealey at 7:40 AM on September 19, 2003

Kids are stupid.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:51 AM on September 19, 2003

I think the picture of Hawks in Morris Minor & the Majors can be found in One Hit Wonderland. The one where he bets that he can beat the entire Moldovan football team at tennis is pretty funny as well.
posted by salmacis at 7:55 AM on September 19, 2003

I had no idea he was involved in Stutter Rap. The things you learn on metafilter..

And I had no idea he was on Red Dwarf. This is rapidly becoming one of my favorite posts - can hardly wait to get home so I can listen to the song.
posted by yhbc at 7:56 AM on September 19, 2003

I have also fallen victim to the mistaken name via email. My real name is fairly common and shared by a large number of people more famous than I. I had an email address that was basically (there is one for you spambots) and would receive sometimes as many as a dozen emails a week. Most were from Brazilian kids who thought I was some sort of Extreme Wrestler. I would usually just cut and paste a response that went:
I am not *myname* the wrestler. Nor am I *myname* the editor of Rolling Stone. Nor am I *myname* who is running a startup near San Jose. Nor am I *myname* who apparently was a hair farmer who was featured in a turn of the 90s issue of Playgirl. But I can get you a T-shirt with my picture on it if you are interested.
I should have had more fun with them as Tony obviously does.
posted by spartacusroosevelt at 8:02 AM on September 19, 2003

Good post Aaorn, thanks.
posted by vito90 at 8:22 AM on September 19, 2003

spartacusroosevelt : This had never happened to me up to yesterday when someone tried to headhunt me thinking I was the former head of IT at Argos in Milton Keynes.
posted by biffa at 8:29 AM on September 19, 2003

I've always meant to ask you this, biffa: Are you really a vast bright orange skip?
posted by twine42 at 8:34 AM on September 19, 2003

Aaorn, did you by chance find this at this fine blog? Well, I did, anyway. So I'm giving indirect props whether you did or not.

And for the record, yeah, making fun of dimwitted illiterate skatepunks is funny.
posted by soyjoy at 8:43 AM on September 19, 2003

Anybody who isn't a fan ought to listen to Just a Minute on R4.
posted by vbfg at 8:52 AM on September 19, 2003

You all should see squirrel's replies to email intended for the Pope. It's a long story. Maybe he'll share?
posted by scarabic at 9:34 AM on September 19, 2003

That was great. jonson, where are you???
posted by widdershins at 10:34 AM on September 19, 2003

I'm right here - this is fantastic, and I forwarded on the link to several friends already. Great stuff, Aaorn, thanks!
posted by jonson at 10:35 AM on September 19, 2003

soyjoy, will you marry me be my PR man?
posted by iconomy at 10:40 AM on September 19, 2003

I thought I already was. I expect to be paid in icons, of course.
posted by soyjoy at 10:44 AM on September 19, 2003

I found it milkandcookies and at tkblog and here... I could've sworn I had seen it here too, months ago, but I guess I was wrong. :)
posted by dabitch at 10:47 AM on September 19, 2003

And for the record, yeah, making fun of dimwitted illiterate skatepunks is funny.

Watching them try to climb staircases is even funnier.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 12:23 PM on September 19, 2003

dabitch - not that those aren't fine blogs as well, but their entries are from 9/8, 9/7 and 9/15, while iconomy's, as I feel compelled to point out as her PR man, was posted on August 18.

Just sayin'. publicizin'.
posted by soyjoy at 1:40 PM on September 19, 2003

He's more of an entertainer, than a comedian. Last time I caught his act, he was bouncing a golf ball, on a golf club, while negotiating an obstacle course.

Oh, and that page is very old.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 2:24 PM on September 19, 2003

bugger, vbfg, you got Just a Minute in first (it makes my licence fee worthwhile...)
posted by lerrup at 3:09 PM on September 19, 2003

All my joy laugh me out ..

Unintendedly brilliant.
posted by dness2 at 3:21 PM on September 19, 2003

I'm wondering if this is happening at the other Tony Hawk's website ...
Dear Tony,

When you were carry that fridge around Ireland did you ever go into The Black Dog in Dublin? It's my local and it would have been nice to have something to cool the beer in for a change. The one they've got is knackered.



I couldn't get a fridge on my skateboard and anyway I can't see how you could get into an Irish dog with it either. How big are the dogs in Ireland?

posted by feelinglistless at 4:25 PM on September 19, 2003

At scarabic's kind request, I will publish a few of my old Martin Luther letters here. First the story: a friend of mine secured the domain several years ago and gave me an e-mail address.

Toward the end of the 1990's, as more people got connected to the internet, messages started pouring in to the server for user pope. Maybe 10% of them were sincere attempts to contact the real Pope, and among those were some sad stories. The other 90% of people writing to this address were on a lark. They wanted to include the Pope in their CC to make their friends laugh, or they were just spouting off garbage because they thought it was funny.

My friend created a list-serve for everyone with accounts on the vatican, and we all started reading the letters to pope. Some of them inspired me to reply to the authors under the name Martin Luther (an inside joke for those who know Catholic history). The rest of the story should be pretty clear by reading the letters. I would post a link to a well-crafted web page of the letters, but my HTML coding rots. Therefore, I will post a few of my favorites below.

A warning in advance for anyone upset by direct and implied mockery of the Catholic church. This isn't for you. For everyone else, I hope you enjoy.
posted by squirrel at 5:03 PM on September 19, 2003 [2 favorites]

From: Martin Luther
Date: Wed Feb 2, 2000 11:22:37 AM US/Pacific
To: "TAMMY L****

Where does this go??? Who gets this e-mail??? someone please

Hi Tammy,

Thanks for your interest in the Vatican. Judging by the volume of your punctuation and recklessness of your spelling, you're in desperate, sloppy need of some papal contact. Unfortunately, the Pope doesn't have enough time to reply to every doomed sinner's plea for help, no matter how pathetic. I would advise you to examine your spiritual priorities to determine if monotheism is meeting your needs. The Druids, by comparison, feel God's presence in almost all natural surroundings. Contacting a holy being for a Druid is no more difficult than a walk to the nearest tree.

While it is not the Vatican's policy to dispatch the flock to spiritual lives of
fulfillment, happiness and ultimate eternal damnation, we are willing to make an exception in your case. Please seek another faith. The Pope will manage without your tithes and e-mails. is a consortium of decadence nestled in the hills of San Francisco, dedicated to meeting the needs of today's newbie. Thanks again for your interest.

Martin Luther
posted by squirrel at 5:07 PM on September 19, 2003 [1 favorite]

From: Martin Luther
Date: Mon Jan 31, 2000 12:14:26 PM US/Pacific
To: Anna G****

Hello Pope,

I heard that you stink, just wanted to say hello and that I wondered who you were.

Tell Nathaniel that he owes me a dinner in Nashville somewhere......

Hope I hear from you soon,


Greetings Anna,

Thanks for your interest in the Vatican.

Okay, first things first: I would like to take the occasion of your first question to address an issue of ongoing debate among the devout and hell-bound alike: what does the Pope smell like. As the father of the Protestant reformation, I may be biased about the odor of His Holiness, but I'll give it my best shot.

The whole church smells like money and pure, pure gold, so that's naturally a factor. Also, the Pope spends a lot of His time draped naked over heaps of priceless jewels; but as most jewels have no discernable odor, this doesn't contribute to His odor. Furthermore, because the Pope also spends a lot of time reading old texts, a fragrance of mildewed parchment does tend to shroud Him, as does a faint but cloying aroma of myrrh. Finally, His Holiness is somewhat partial to Mentos breath mints: he enjoys the variety of cool, fruity flavors and is fascinated by a product that can create freshness where previously there was none—a gift bestowed by God to His anointed alone until the early 1980's. Therefore, the Pope has many moments of up-close freshness.

I hope my notes on the Pope's aroma will help you decide for yourself whether or not He stinks.

In a closing address to your second comment, we are not in the business of conveying dinner arrangement messages from peasants to Nathaniel or anyone. The messages we convey are from the mouth of God to all of creation. And, incidentally, according to our records, the only outstanding message we have for Nathaniel a bit cryptic, but here it is: "Yes, suck even one cock and you will burn in eternal hellfire." Hope that message doesn't arrive too late!

Thanks again for your interest in the Vatican.

Martin Luther
posted by squirrel at 5:11 PM on September 19, 2003 [2 favorites]

From: Martin Luther
Date: Thu Mar 9, 2000 12:49:10 AM US/Pacific
To: HUEY***

You're no saint yourself pope.
I spose I got nothing else to say but blow me.

Ah, from your festering cake hole to God's pristine, eternal ear, Huey.

You know, we at the Vatican get countless letters to the Pope every day, and a surprising few convey so much flip hostility in so few words. Almost haiku. And the Pope understands harsh brevity, Huey. Oh yes, the Pope comprehends that a tiny, hate-filled life illuminated by only a dim mental candle must feel like the existence of a rancid ketchup packet in a bottomless ocean of ennui.

The source of your spiritual corruption, and the reason you seek guidance here, is your loss of value. Even your American president, so flushed with humiliation, even he has some value. So why he and not you, Huey? You're certainly right to feel scorn, for you are a worthless lump of filth—a piece of rotting flotsam washed up on the shore of a hostile new millennium.

And here you are, a blip on the world's stage, flashing out your pathetic member and inviting the leader of the Catholic faith to blow you.

Well, the grace of surprise wisdom showers you, Huey: you have been blown already. Like pinwheeling dandelion fluff, the worth of your existence has tumbled away in life's breeze. We aren't surprised to hear your curses from the grave... yours isn't the first withered stem to burble poisonously in the world's spiritual compost.

Martin Luther
posted by squirrel at 5:18 PM on September 19, 2003 [1 favorite]

Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 02:46:00 -0800 (PST)
From: Martin Luther
To: jazzy2

Dear Friend:

Making over half million dollars every 4 to 5 months from your home for an investment of only $25 U.S. Dollars expense one time.


Dear jazzy2,

Thanks for your interest in the vatican.

To begin with, never address PJP2 as Dear Friend. His Holiness is neither your friend nor dear in any of the inane ways you suggest. Around here we tend to call him "Spud" or "Big Spudder," (He's Polish, jazzy2). You may not call him Spud—and don't take your pinkies too far from the damned shift key.

Secondly, and more to the point, if His Holiness were interested in “making half a million dollars every 4 to 5 months,” He would divide up his situation into about a billion parts and throw away all but one. What kind of chump do you take His Spuddiness for? You think he has all those solid gold flagons for selling kool-aid? No, they're for drinking the blood of God, bitch, which means cash cold. The Spud is done liquid.

Thanks again for your interest in the Vatican.

Martin Luther
posted by squirrel at 5:32 PM on September 19, 2003

Ah, from your festering cake hole to God's pristine, eternal ear, Huey.

amen, brother!
posted by scarabic at 7:40 PM on September 19, 2003

[this is good]
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 8:36 PM on September 19, 2003

good stuff, squirrel. you should put it up on a page. :)
posted by five fresh fish at 12:32 AM on September 20, 2003

squirrel, as a baptized and non-practicing Catholic, I found your responses to "the Pope" to be hilarious and right on! They kind of reminded me of the Lazlo letters by Don Novello (aka Father Guido Sarducci). So, when does your book come out?
posted by Lynsey at 10:07 AM on September 20, 2003

Lynsey, I loved the Lazlo Letters. They shaped the direction of my writing when I was a young teenager, and I think the influence shows in the Luther letters.

All through my undergraduate years, I wrote Lazlo letters to my favorite restaurants and cereal companies, sometimes complaining about something petty, sometimes praising some bizarre aspect of their product. My goal was to write ernest, ridiculous letters that would make the bored corporate readers laugh out loud and display in break rooms. And send me free stuff, which they often did.

Thanks for the praise... and to F3 and scarabic.
posted by squirrel at 11:43 AM on September 20, 2003

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