The Crime Apprentice's Kit
October 1, 2003 12:13 PM   Subscribe

Pick A Lock, Any Lock: Why do's products seem so ill-related to self-defense and so suited to, er, crime and violence? Got your PayPal ready? File under "Only in America". (Via Bifurcated Rivets.)
posted by MiguelCardoso (31 comments total)
lockpicksswordsbatonsstungunsandspecialagentknives don't breakandenterandkillpeople. people breakandenterandkillpeople.
posted by stonerose at 12:30 PM on October 1, 2003

Come on, though: how cool would it be if someone broke in your house and you were randomly wearing special agent knives and then you got beat up and seduced by Jennifer Garner?
posted by The God Complex at 12:38 PM on October 1, 2003

Do you mean the lockpicks or all of it? I don't see how lockpicks could be called a self defense product. Batons and stunguns could be used for self defense. From what I could see of the knives and swords (site was slow), they are cheap junk. People carry knives as a self defense weapon, but not swords which would be impractical.
posted by Akuinnen at 12:39 PM on October 1, 2003

As any patriotic American knows, the best defense is a good offense.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:53 PM on October 1, 2003

--Honey, someone's in the house!

--Get me my blowgun.
posted by archimago at 12:57 PM on October 1, 2003

I bought one of their lockpick kits about 4 years ago. It's rather a useful tool. I've been able to open filing cabinets at work after keys are lost, get into my house when I locked the keys inside, get my snacks from the vending machine at work when it tries to take my money and keep my food, all kinds of useful things. Really, for your average house lock one can just as easily pick it with a bent paperclip(which was what I used in such circumstances prior to buying the kit). It's just a bit faster with the proper tool. And much cheaper than getting a housecall from a mobile locksmith. As for the rest of the product line, well, I don't really care for it. But whatever floats peoples boats.
posted by ehintz at 1:03 PM on October 1, 2003

I'm just glad to see that Spuds MacKenzie is getting work these days!
posted by Oddly at 1:06 PM on October 1, 2003

*gets blowgun*

--Not the 40! The 72-inch! I'm gonna chunker this bastard!
posted by dobbs at 1:07 PM on October 1, 2003

CrashDavis: so if best defence is good offense, one should keep on the offense so he is always best defended. So everybody should start the offense , why wait for others to start ? I may have a better solution: jump off a bridge.
posted by elpapacito at 1:14 PM on October 1, 2003

I like the Totally Extreme Wholesale Section. I had no idea a large button calculator could be used for self defense.
posted by trbrts at 1:22 PM on October 1, 2003

but not swords which would be impractical.

I for one, carry my cutlass wherever i go.

you know Miguel, your topics are good and some just say i have no clue.
The later is my reason why i don't post.

There are State and Local restrictions in a few jurisdictions prohibiting the possession or use of stun guns and several other items shown on our web site. J & L WILL NOT sell any products in violation thereof. It is the responsibility of you the buyer, not J & L Self Defense Products to understand your local, state, and federal laws before placing an order.

If you are unsure of your states laws pertaining to any products you want to order, you should consult local, state, or federal authorities to be certain you are not breaking any laws. It is your decision whether to be in civil disobedience of your local laws. The politicians who make these laws are themselves protected by armed state troopers. We consider self-preservation a basic human right.

All the weapons and products sold on our on line store are either novelty items or are for defensive and training purposes only. We under no circumstances will sell to minors, or to anyone we feel may use our products for illegal purposes. We reserve the right to decline any order. By placing an order, the buyer represents that he/she is of legal age and that products will be used only in a legal manner.

Having no control over the use of any product once in the buyer's possession, we assume no liability associated with their use. Under no circumstance is J & L Self Defense Products Inc. liable for any loss, cost or damage, of any kind arising out of the use or inability to use, these products, or the suitability of use for any particular task. This responsibility is totally on the buyer. Owning and or carrying self defense weapons is a large responsibility. If you are not sure whether you can handle it, please don't buy our products until you get the proper training. (see safety awareness for self defense and training related links)

In the event of a dispute between the Buyer and J & L Self Defense which cannot be resolved by negotiation, and in the event the Buyer undertakes to sue J & L Self Defense in a court of law, then it is hereby stipulated that venue for any such action shall be only in Morgan County, State of West Virginia.

By ordering from our site, you are certifying that you are at least 18 years of age or older, or you have parental/guardian permission to order from our site. You are also certifying that the products ordered will be used only in a lawful manner and that you or your parent/guardian has read, understand and agree to the terms posted here on this page. If paying by credit card you are authorizing J & L to charge your account the Total shown on the order form.

Did you not read the fine print Mr. Salt?
is there some philosophical debate or even clear question to your post.

I think this is your pen.

you really do not have a point and create a nice little park for me to play in.
sure, I'll follow along. I like to play.

File under "Only in America
i guess this is why you get 5-12 comments only per post, unless you cobble something cleaver (trademark, pat. pend) just to keep the fans ( for which i am one) fed.

I may have a better solution: jump off a bridge.

hey like the man said..., so un-defend yourself and jump first and the problem should work it self out.

(This is in no way a defense of Mr. Crash Davis, nor is it an attack on....elpapacito. It is merely an opinion. All libel or slander any party perceives forth with will be entirely one own affair thus preventing any liability on MY behalf.)
posted by clavdivs at 1:34 PM on October 1, 2003

Alright! "Genuine" ninja uniform with hood under $40? Halloween costume is *handled*!
posted by ilsa at 1:37 PM on October 1, 2003

with not forth will
posted by clavdivs at 1:38 PM on October 1, 2003

calvdivs: you were a "will" close to make me believe you write disclaimers for a living :)
posted by elpapacito at 1:45 PM on October 1, 2003

Ha! The Fang! I bought one of these suckers off of another kid back in junior high because I thought it was cool. It's good to see that redneck flea market self-defense hasn't really changed in 20 years...
posted by grabbingsand at 1:45 PM on October 1, 2003

Sites like this (that seem to cater to some secret agent/ninja fantasy) always make me feel like an apologist when it comes to my ubiquitous pocketknife. It's a tool (a leatherman) and I keep it so damn sharp because a sharp knife is more efficient and just plain safer to work with than a dull knife. But folks who see it are like, "Oooo... you gonna cut me?" Bah.
posted by Sangre Azul at 1:53 PM on October 1, 2003

ehintz, I have scoured the site in question, but nowhere can I find anything that will enable me to make my dinghy seaworthy.
posted by Blue Stone at 2:18 PM on October 1, 2003

Blue Stone, perhaps your dinghy requires appropriate lights for its seaworthy designation? And perhaps one of these fine products would meet the regulatory requirements? While it would not have direct bearing upon the seaworthiness of your vessel, I expect you might wish to bring these accessories along on your boating excursions as well.
posted by ehintz at 2:55 PM on October 1, 2003

A friend gave me this entertaining book on self-defense. The author claims a sharpened sabre is the best weapon for home defense. You can both stab (to stop someone coming through a window) and cut (if you have more room), it has a high intimidation factor, the bad guy can't grab it from you like he could a baseball bat, and if he's close enough to hit with a sabre you will have no trouble pleading self-defense in court. Most important of all, the risk of accidentally killing someone near and dear is smaller than with a gun.
posted by Triplanetary at 3:24 PM on October 1, 2003

Yeah, but if the intruder's packing heat and you have a saber, you're screwed. Really screwed. Intimidating a guy with a gun is never, ever a good idea.
posted by Veritron at 3:36 PM on October 1, 2003

several clicks later...
posted by scarabic at 3:38 PM on October 1, 2003

what's the logic behing keypick as keyring? i lost my keys so i'll pick this lock. oh. damn!
posted by andrew cooke at 3:45 PM on October 1, 2003

I think it's more like "Hm, the key to this door isn't on my ring. Oh well, fuck it."
posted by scarabic at 3:47 PM on October 1, 2003

File under "Only in America"

File under "Shameless Troll"
posted by HTuttle at 7:48 PM on October 1, 2003

Why do's products seem so ill-related to self-defense and so suited to, er, crime and violence?

If you lock yourself out during a burglary, how else are you going to get back inside so you can defend yourself?
posted by trondant at 8:12 PM on October 1, 2003

I'm just glad to see that Spuds MacKenzie is getting work these days!
Ol' Spuds is getting plenty of face time in Target commercials. Maybe you didn't recognize him with the eye makeup...
posted by wendell at 8:43 PM on October 1, 2003

I guess the CD holder could double as a ninja star carrier and the hair clipper set could give you that intimidating buzz-cut, the pliers could be used for pulling fingernails etc but, like trbrts, I have no idea how you could use a calculator for self defense (counting the bodies, maybe?).
posted by dg at 10:04 PM on October 1, 2003

Wow! That'll be me!
Why am I wearing a lab coat?
And zapping Tim Allen?
posted by squirrel at 11:31 PM on October 1, 2003

That's for Jungle to Jungle, motherfucker!
posted by squirrel at 11:33 PM on October 1, 2003

Now It's Your Turn To Get In On The Ground Floor Of The Exploding Internet Moneymaking Machine!

Just as a point of information, this site is a completely generic example of the turnkey self-defense sites of Trustyguard. And there are a ton of them out there.
posted by monkey.pie.baker at 11:23 AM on October 2, 2003

Knowing how to pick locks has, of course, bad uses. It can also be a lifesaver.
My neighbor called from cross town after her daughter called and said she was committing suicide. It took me 30 seconds to pick the lock and check on her with over a minute for cops and ambulance response. She recovered, but being able to quickly respond could've made the difference had she chosen a more violent means than pills.
Lockpicking is a fairly simple, if practiced, technique to learn.
posted by effer27 at 1:52 PM on October 2, 2003

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