I love you, man!
October 10, 2003 2:28 PM   Subscribe

I always thought non-alcoholic beer would be disgusting, but... ya know... thish shtuff ish reeeeeally awwriiiiiight! (OK, it's only a measly 850 twelve-packs. But I'm already imagining scenarios...lawsuits?)
posted by soyjoy (31 comments total)
may contain alcohol.
Thought they all contained alcohol, just 1%. (don't have a label to look at). As a kid thought it was cool buying neer beer which had an alcohol % labelled, cool because we were under age.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:49 PM on October 10, 2003

How many teenagers in Illinois are searching for these right now? It's like a treasure hunt!
posted by modofo at 3:16 PM on October 10, 2003

I don't think you can buy even non-alcoholic beer if you're under 21, can you?
posted by xmutex at 3:23 PM on October 10, 2003

that's sortof like putting regular coffee in the decaf pot. no actually it's exactly the same. *burp*
posted by carfilhiot at 3:24 PM on October 10, 2003

I could actually see a situation that could produce a lawsuit. I have a beer-drinking friend who was disconsolate about giving it up when she got pregnant. She used to drink non-alcoholic beers at bbq's or when we went out for burgers. I'm sure it's a tiny part of their market, but I'd be pissed as hell if I found out my "baby-safe" alternative was spiked.
posted by synapse at 3:45 PM on October 10, 2003

At least two Native American tribes call those Minnesota counties home. We used to vacation on Leech Lake when I was a kid, and our cabin bordered on a reservation. Given the high rates of alcoholism in that region, if someone fell unwittingly off the wagon because of Miller's slip-up, I'd say Minnesota's personal injury lawyers should get some extra business in the next year.
posted by judlew at 4:04 PM on October 10, 2003

I don't think you can buy even non-alcoholic beer if you're under 21, can you?

Liquor laws vary by state. There was a bill in the Illinois house to prohibit the sale of non-alcoholic beer to people under 21, but it appears to have failed.
posted by eddydamascene at 4:24 PM on October 10, 2003

At least they're actually recalling them rather than running a little covert op like British Sugar.
posted by knapah at 4:34 PM on October 10, 2003

Wish to thank soyjoy for pointing out that link which leads to a very very interesting recalls newsfeed site.
posted by elpapacito at 4:57 PM on October 10, 2003

And, yes, near-beer is awful, truly awful, horrifyingly awful, nearly nightmare horrific awful.

I made the mistake of buying some on impulse this summer, thinking to myself "Hmm. There's still near-beer on the shelves after all these years. Can't be that bad or it would be gone from the market."

No, it really is that bad. Terribly awful. Awful to the point of despair.

Large addition of lemon juice to it made it nearly palatable, in a grotesque, I'm thinking likely near-Zima-ish, way.

So I'm thinking anyone who buys these mislabeled beers and suffers consequences from it, is probably going to be found wholly liable for it, because it would be simply impossible to mistake mislabeled near-beer for real near-beer.
posted by five fresh fish at 5:15 PM on October 10, 2003

Heh. When Sharps first came out onto the market, I think I was in 8th grade. The day I found out about it I ran out after school and bought a can, just because I could. It almost soured me on beer for good. Almost.
posted by Hackworth at 5:21 PM on October 10, 2003

Hackworth: I remember a similar scenario when I was in grade 8 or 9 and Texas Pride was launched. My friends and I bought a six-pack each. Got nothing but a stomach ache, although one idiot acted buzzed. Maybe he was just an idiot, now that I think about it.
posted by sharpener at 5:35 PM on October 10, 2003

No, it really is that bad. Terribly awful. Awful to the point of despair.

The only non-alcoholic beer I've tried is Kaliber (Bass-Guinness), and I was pleasantly surprised.
posted by eddydamascene at 5:56 PM on October 10, 2003

Wait... what's plasitc.ccom? whewre am i?

fuckt dnonalbhoholic beer
posted by insomnyuk at 5:59 PM on October 10, 2003

The only non-alcoholic beer I've tried is Kaliber (Bass-Guinness), and I was pleasantly surprised.

Yeah, just like regular beer, non-alcoholic beer varies in drinkability from weak, seltzery dishwater (O'Doul's) to yeasty and totally unpleasant (Cutter, which kind of reminds me of High Life), to fairly potent and a decent beverage in its own right (Kaliber, Buckler, Hakke-Beck, Clausthaler). Not that I'd choose any of these over their alcoholic counterparts.
posted by rxrfrx at 6:07 PM on October 10, 2003

Of course ordinary American-style beer is near-beer, too. Awful horsepiss, compared to a good Canadian beer, especially Nelson Afterdark. Mmmm.
posted by five fresh fish at 6:32 PM on October 10, 2003

A friend and I brewed some beer to take to Burning Man this year, a light wheat ale with saaz and kent goldings hops. We deliberately brewed it to be on the low-alcohol side, so it would be more refreshing than dehydrating out in the heat. It turned out to be quite low indeed. Probably under 2%, based on drinking it. But it tasted good, frothed nicely, and was inexpensive to make. I really enjoyed tossing back pint after pint with only the mildest buzz coming on.
posted by scarabic at 7:32 PM on October 10, 2003

That's where I differ from you, scarabic - and, er, probably a whole lot of people. I love beer as a thirst-quencher - for the first two or three sips. After that I become aware of the taste of alcohol, and it becomes strictly a somewhat tolerable drug in liquid form, something I put up with in order to achieve the psychoactive effects. I can't imagine drinking and drinking 2% beer with only the mildest buzz. But it sounds like you had a great time, so more power to ya.

knapah, that story is a riot.

The aim was to buy up all 580* of the affected bottles without alerting the supermarket giant, which is one of its biggest customers.

If confronted by Tesco staff, the mystery shoppers were told to say they were buying up milkshakes for a kids' party.

*580 affected "milk shakes" / 850 twelve-packs. Coincidence? I think not.
posted by soyjoy at 8:10 PM on October 10, 2003

I found this mouse in this bottle, and a friend drank it and he puked, and he's a COP......
posted by Eekacat at 9:17 PM on October 10, 2003

The issue here is that an alcohol-free beer has alcohol in it. This is akin to a peanut free product having peanuts. Obviously, if you have a severe peanut allergy, THAT would be an issue.

But are these comparable? A chemistry teacher I had in high school had an alergy to alcohol. A pretty severe one. If he were to drink that, there'd be problems.

Of course, why would someone with an alcohol alergy drink a non-alcoholic beer?... but that risk is there.
posted by mkn at 9:27 PM on October 10, 2003

"The issue here is that an alcohol-free beer has alcohol in it."


"No, officer, I've only been drinking non-alcoholic beer all night. What do you mean, I was weaving between lanes? Breathalyzer? No problemo!"
posted by mr_crash_davis at 9:34 PM on October 10, 2003

"Don't look a' me, it's 'ose guys are drunk. I'm the desivated dryger."
posted by soyjoy at 10:31 PM on October 10, 2003

Eekacat - Thanks for that totally great blast from the past, you hoser. I heard like you can get like free beer.
posted by charms55 at 10:58 PM on October 10, 2003

Haake Beck and Kirin are both awesome beers. The addition of lemon serves to add the flavor of alcohol. if you will. Making the water in beer "wetter" is one of alcohols effects.
I've had to give up drinking due to diabetic issues, but still indulge once and a while on these!
posted by effer27 at 11:47 PM on October 10, 2003

From my own perspective, this sort of thing could have some serious ramifications. Thanks to a life-long prescription to rat-poison, I have to limit my alcohol intake to roughly 1 beer/glass of wine/shot per month. I've been known to by a six of St. Pauli NA (it ain't all that bad, though no comparison to the good stuff) and plow through that in an evening while my compatriots get stone drunk.

Accidentally dropping six non-NA beers in an evening sets me up for some serious internal bleeding issues.

Given all that, this is still a mighty funny premise...

Slightly even further off-topic, I just learned that this may be cause of my exceptional clotting ability. Yay Army!
posted by Fezboy! at 11:47 PM on October 10, 2003

Amazing. A discussion of near-beer vs. normal American lager. Its almost like a discussion of whether horse piss tastes better or worse than donkey piss.

Why not try a beautiful glass of liquid bread, brewed by monks in a cloister, in the land where beer is an art? A nice Trappist Tripel will show you how the term "near beer" might be applied to any commercial lager, be it American or otherwise.

The West Malle Tripel (my favorite) runs at 9% alcohol. Have it in the proper glass for the full experience. Perhaps with some nice Pomme Fritz ('french fries') covered in mayonnaise.
posted by Goofyy at 11:51 PM on October 10, 2003

damnit! buy, not by....
posted by Fezboy! at 11:56 PM on October 10, 2003

Non-alcoholic beer is for, well, non-alcoholics.
posted by essexjan at 1:09 AM on October 11, 2003

Y'know, I always though they should call it *recovering* alcoholic beer. Seeing as how that's more or less the target market anyways...
posted by arto at 2:34 AM on October 11, 2003

Thought they all contained alcohol, just 1%.

You are correct, thomcatspike. A few years back, a good friend of mine was pregnant with her first. She asked her doctor if O'Doul's was OK, as it was non-alcoholic beer. He replied that she could drink it in limited amounts, say, one per month, as it still contained alcohol.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:54 AM on October 11, 2003

Lager is beer? I don't think so. The only real beers are ales. Good, dark, rich ales.
posted by five fresh fish at 10:43 AM on October 11, 2003

« Older Naked women. In run down, abandoned buildings. In...   |   Armand Hammer Newer »

This thread has been archived and is closed to new comments