February 6, 2004 12:54 PM   Subscribe

Best cover letters, ever. "Nothing has ever excited me the way that Dictatyping has. Nothing has ever moved me with such force."
posted by majcher (19 comments total)
My first encounter with Neopost came two years ago, while I was on the Internet looking for alternatives to the traditional postal system, ( which had previously caused the death of my entire family. )

Liquid. Nose. Everywhere. Carnage.

posted by xmutex at 1:11 PM on February 6, 2004

This reminds me of the time I sent off a bunch of cover letters with the closing, "I am very interesting in this position." I wasn't suprised I didn't get any job offers, but I was a little disappointed I didn't get any other types of offers.
posted by kirkaracha at 1:29 PM on February 6, 2004


"The depression and suicidal fantasies of three years ago are nothing but a memory to me now. I am a man consumed with passion, and your products have given a new meaning to my life. Without you I do not know where I would be, and I do not want to know. I am happy now, pursuing my goal. My dead family and I are in your debt, and I long to help you in any way I can. I feel I could make a real difference at your company."

I actually got the best job of my life with a note that was a bit snarky. Little did I know that everyone else who worked there was a smartass too.
posted by Slagman at 1:42 PM on February 6, 2004

[this is good]
posted by elwoodwiles at 1:46 PM on February 6, 2004


I usually write at least one crank cover letter every day because it makes the whole 'looking for a job' slog more enjoyable. My irrational fear is that I will send one of them in place of the more traditional letter.

OTOH, what have the traditional letters done for me recently?
posted by Fezboy! at 2:01 PM on February 6, 2004

There was a time in life when I was under the false impression that I'd be able to collect unemployment and when I knew I had a job for sure in another month or two. To fufill the unemployment requirement of looking for work, I was going to fill out sarcastic applications and go into every interview with the belief that it didn't matter what I did.

These cover letters remind me of those dreams.
posted by drezdn at 2:13 PM on February 6, 2004

"This womb drops babies!"
posted by jpoulos at 2:24 PM on February 6, 2004

Reminds me of Letters from a Nut
posted by milnak at 2:39 PM on February 6, 2004

Thank you, majcher! Great stuff!
posted by soundofsuburbia at 3:07 PM on February 6, 2004

The only disappointment to be found here is that these are fictional cover letters.

I may keep these in mind the next time I have to go job hunting...
posted by BartFargo at 3:54 PM on February 6, 2004

On a similar note, does anyone know where to find that fake(?) college application personal statement that was making the rounds a few years ago, where the writer talks about himself in ridiculous hyperbole? Sorry to be vague - maybe someone else can fill in the mental blank.
posted by stonerose at 5:24 PM on February 6, 2004

These are great, thanks!

Stonerose: It wasn't fake, it was sent to NYU by a guy named Hugh Gallagher. The essay is here, and his pretty decent debut book is on amazon here.
posted by emyd at 6:17 PM on February 6, 2004 [1 favorite]

Thanks, emyd! That saves me a too-specific AskMeFi post.
posted by stonerose at 6:54 PM on February 6, 2004

Hahaha, these are great.

Maybe I should send one of these out. I'm surely not getting anywhere with traditional cover letters!
posted by SisterHavana at 9:25 PM on February 6, 2004

Dear Executive Director:

I am responding to your poorly worded and unclear posting on the low-paid-jobs-for-losers-who-decided-
thought-they-could-make-a-difference website for the position of Peon in your poorly run and under-funded social service agency. I have enclosed my way over-qualified resume for your consideration.
posted by Aaorn at 9:34 PM on February 6, 2004

Run on, love. Run on

Thanks majcher. This was great!
posted by snwod at 10:34 PM on February 6, 2004

Stonerose: It wasn't fake, it was sent to NYU by a guy named Hugh Gallagher. The essay is here, and his pretty decent debut book is on amazon here.
Hey that's the guy who wrote Teeth! That was a very good book.
posted by maggie at 7:42 PM on February 7, 2004

Being in the middle of sorting through over 120 applications for my assistant's replacement, these came as some much-needed relief. Thanks.
posted by dg at 2:49 PM on February 8, 2004

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