Lovely Arlington, MA
May 21, 2004 11:41 AM   Subscribe

I hate my dumbass town. Come for the ennui, stay for the police logs.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders (32 comments total)
Wow, the police logs are great. Or terrible. Or something.
posted by MrMoonPie at 12:01 PM on May 21, 2004

I hate to tell him, but I think the sushi is Arlington is made from people. Japanese people.
posted by iconomy at 12:03 PM on May 21, 2004

Hey, despite being born in Cambridge, that's where I spent most of my early years before moving abroad and recently returning to New England. Also, I think a friend of mine knows this kid quite well.

And it's a nice enough town (not that I've lived in it for a while), though that Indian statue did get abused. I think it's by the famous local artist Cyrus Dallin for whom the local elementary school is named.

If you notice, he really had to stretch to insult the town, but the police listing admittedly do show that the town has dumbasses like everywhere else. Also, the town's dry (except for a hotel bar, I think), and, hmm, damn, I need to visit again.
posted by Gnatcho at 12:12 PM on May 21, 2004

The police logs are hilarious, but why is this kid always complaining about his boring town? Isn't Arlington just a few miles out from Boston/Cambridge?
posted by kickingtheground at 12:13 PM on May 21, 2004

Why are the google ads on this page about Autism? Weird. I wonder what keywords trigger that ("dumbass")? Also, more on-topic, I live about 30 miles north of Arlington. Can vouch for the "nothing to do around here" aspect, at least from a teenager's perspective.
posted by kokogiak at 12:15 PM on May 21, 2004

Also, stupidsexyFlanders:
“Also, I'm constantly getting a nice, weekly bandwidth spike from other sites, primarily and other Fark-ish sites with no real content of thier own(Who am I to talk?). Just to let you know, if you submit my site to anything like these, there's a special spot in hell reserved for you.”
The boy hates you now.

On preview: Yeah, it is, kokogiak. Many of the people who live there work in Boston or Cambridge.
posted by Gnatcho at 12:16 PM on May 21, 2004

Crap, I meant that for kickingtheground.
posted by Gnatcho at 12:17 PM on May 21, 2004

posted by dfowler at 12:18 PM on May 21, 2004

I'm making the missus wear a skirt covered in thumbtacks (points out, obviously) next time she wants to walk the Minuteman. That'll learn them teens!
posted by robocop is bleeding at 12:18 PM on May 21, 2004

Hey! It's the unwashed Arlington,!
posted by kenko at 12:20 PM on May 21, 2004

Now, I'm all for suburban rebellion, but seriously, this kid lives a five minute bus ride from Cambridge and at most twenty-five minutes via T or bus from Boston. Sure Arlington is pretty dull when you're 18, but it's not that hard to go somewhere interesting and at least it's better than Belmont.

My favorite part of Arlington, though, is that there's a plaque or monument somewhere along Mass Ave commemorating some 80 year old man who was shot in the face by four British soldiers, but still managed to fight them off.
posted by Jugwine at 12:21 PM on May 21, 2004

I actually used to live in this town myself. My favorite police listing ever - I wish I'd clipped it - was an account of police responding to a call at [address] because of a woman reporting a buzzing sound in her bedroom. The cause, the newspaper reported, was a vibrator left on in her dresser drawer. I can't imagine the humuliation that woman must have suffered as a result of that item. Or the revved-up social life.

The other salient point about Arlington is how there's a gigantic fire horn that goes off every day at 5 p.m. You can literally hear it all over town. As a new resident, first you're horrified, then annoyed, then amused. This may differ depending your home's proximity to the firehouse, your sleep schedule, etc.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:26 PM on May 21, 2004

As kickingtheground alluded, he's got nothing to whine about. Cambridge! Boston! What is it about teenagers and self-pity? Keep your eyes peeled for his next site, "I totally hate my parents!"

The police logs were indeed hilarious, though. Last year, in New Brunswick, NJ, I caught one that read, "Theft: a bucket of dirty rags was reported stolen from a Rutgers University maintenance vehicle. The stolen goods are valued at $10."
posted by rafter at 12:28 PM on May 21, 2004

jugwine, I have the coolest artifact ever related to that incident. email me for details.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 12:30 PM on May 21, 2004

Now, maybe I turned a total square as soon as I hit 20, but -- a bike trail? This incredible building? A school for wayward girls? I wish I had these things growing up.

Forgetting even the 5 minutes from Cambridge, Arlington seems like a pretty decent place to live.

Also, as a New Jerseyan, I think that this is an excellent policy.

What is this kid even complaining about?
posted by rafter at 12:42 PM on May 21, 2004

Seconding the full-serve Jersey love.

But, dude, how racist is this town?
posted by John Kenneth Fisher at 1:13 PM on May 21, 2004

Almost as much fun as the famous Arcata Police Logs.
posted by amarynth at 1:17 PM on May 21, 2004

We also have a law that says you get a $50 fine if you feed any ducks. Now this one surprises me. Isn't it that feeding the ducks is the only thing old people do? But, somehow, they outlawed it. Well I say this, When feeding ducks is outlawed, only outlaws will feed the ducks.

posted by Alison at 1:26 PM on May 21, 2004

I'm just saying that I wish my town had a safety iguana. Oh, and I've been to Arlington, but never quite saw it like this. Classic!
posted by .kobayashi. at 1:33 PM on May 21, 2004

I've been to the Magic Dragon Comics store. It is much, much worse than he describes it.

Worst. Comics Store. Ever.

Arlintgon, and the surrounding towns are really nice places, but I can understand how much it would suck for a kid. Still, get on a bus and head into the city!
posted by quibx at 1:38 PM on May 21, 2004

One of the strangest things about Arlington is that it's a dry town - they sell aclohol in some restaurants, but there are no packeys liquor stores or bars or clubs. Same with Belmont (one town over) - both are incredibly boring places to live (I've lived in both), and I wasn't much of a drinker back when I lived there either. Being so close to Boston and Cambridge (where there are many bars and clubs) can seem like a big let down to a kid without a car who's forced to go home at 12:30 and miss half of a show becuase the stupid T doesn't run past 1. Arlington has 1 cool thing though: Menotomy Rocks Park. It's a great big park on the top of a huge hill. Great for dogs.
posted by soplerfo at 1:42 PM on May 21, 2004

What is going on with people answering the door?

Comedy gold!
posted by Benway at 1:46 PM on May 21, 2004

What is this kid even complaining about?
The fact you don't live there. Show your town as a great place to live, you won't want to live there after everyone moves in.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:09 PM on May 21, 2004

A friend ask me to link this. Click here.
posted by McBain at 2:33 PM on May 21, 2004

This is a quote from the real life Arlington Police log:

Friday, May 14: At 1:04 p.m., a Wellington Street resident reported a tree company cutting down a town-owned tree. Police responded and found the report was unfounded. Police responded and found the report was unfounded. [sic]

...They found it was unfounded. The mind boggles.

I have to admit that when I visited my Aunt in Arlington several years ago, it seemed to be a nice town and not nearly as sucky as this young man claims it to be.
posted by Down10 at 12:51 AM on May 22, 2004

Oops. Pretend I only pasted that last sentence once.
posted by Down10 at 12:51 AM on May 22, 2004

At 10:19 p.m., a Jason Street resident called police after someone left a log on his property. Police were unable to find the log.

... hahahaha.
posted by JakeEXTREME at 4:07 AM on May 22, 2004

Almost as much fun as the famous Arcata Police Logs.

As someone who's a self-professed expert in this stuff, I have to go with the Arcata police log (the headlines at the very least) as national champion. We discussed it here a few years ago. But my beloved island town is not far behind.

My own book [self-link, obviously] covers 10 years of crime in small-town Maine, arranged into categories. One of my favorite true 'crimes' from each category appears at the beginning of each chapter. (Posted all on the same page, not like with the Arlington kid, so you don't have to keep clicking.)

Two I keep thinking about:
“Also on the 11th, police responded to a call for assistance from the operator of a Cottage Street restaurant who reportedly evicted a customer he found sitting at a table with his pants not all the way up. [The] subject claimed he was in town to conduct a taste survey of the seawater in various New England harbors.”

“Responding to a report of fighting at a Town Hill residence, the police chief was attacked repeatedly by a wild turkey. According to the chief, the bird made several charges, and pecked him on the foot and leg. The chief was able to ward off his attacker with a ‘swift kick.’ Neither the chief nor the bird sustained serious injury. ‘The last time we went there,’ said one officer, ‘they opened the front door and a goat came out after us.’ ”

posted by LeLiLo at 12:11 PM on May 22, 2004

Police logs are always fun. Microsoft Frontpage web site design, not so much fun.
posted by ericrolph at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2004

The site is wrong about the Capitol Theater being the only one in Massachusetts to serve popcorn with real butter. The theater in Coolidge Corner also does this.
posted by McBain at 1:06 AM on May 23, 2004

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