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June 17, 2004 9:54 PM   Subscribe

20 Things You Have to Believe to Be a Republican Today: I just know a discussion will ensue. Trust me, this will all get old one day. But for now, savor and enjoy the sanctimonious slippage.
posted by crasspastor (22 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: bleah



 
Savor and enjoy. Savor and enjoy...
posted by scarabic at 10:01 PM on June 17, 2004


*yawn*

This has been posted before, no? I'm pretty sure I've seen this or a variation of it posted here.

OK, granted, most of it may be true. But is it really in the best interest of liberal-progressives to behave like self-righteous, sanctimonious giggling schoolgirls?

It's this kind of childish horseshit that makes me remain rabidly independent.

What's the difference between a Democrat and a Republican these days? Seems to be about two cents, really.
posted by loquacious at 10:10 PM on June 17, 2004


Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

Group sex--now that means there's at least one other person present, right?
posted by y2karl at 10:13 PM on June 17, 2004


21. Deficits don't matter.

22. There's one true religion, I'll give you a hint it has Jesus in it.

23. Industry and politicians have no influence over the "straight talking" media like Rush Limbaugh and Fox News.

24. Karl Rove is a genius.

25. Saddam showing POWs on TV is a war crime, the US running a systemic program of torture and rape is just hazing.

26. We need a national missile defense to fight terrorists.

27. Drug dealers and computer hackers are terrorists too.

28. Liberals are treasonous and control the media.

29. Saddam masterminded 9.11

30. The rapture is going to happen any minute now, you watch. Fuck the environment.

31. Women are uppity and we need pass laws to control their bodies.

32. Dissent against a Democratic president is 'due dilligence.' Dissent against a GOP president is a treason of the highest order.

33. Criticizing Israel is exactly the same as being an anti-semitic bigot.

34. The biggest problem we have is the capital gains tax and inheretance laws! Ask any working Joe!

35. The ends justify the means.
posted by skallas at 10:13 PM on June 17, 2004


Being a Republican doesn't entail supporting the current administration.
posted by jmd82 at 10:21 PM on June 17, 2004


And here is an equally stupid list of generalizations and poor exuses for spam filter fodder...

20 Things you have to believe to be a Democrat.

1) You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

2) You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand - In short: you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Koreans.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty-faced activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the programming quality PBS does.

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black people couldn't make it without your help.

20) You have to believe that the only reason democratic socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
posted by loquax at 10:26 PM on June 17, 2004


[savors and enjoys humble pie]
posted by scarabic at 10:39 PM on June 17, 2004


crasspastor's list + loquax's list = everyone alive's a complete and utter idiot. Let's all just give up and place bets on whether dolphins or crows take over.
posted by Jimbob at 10:53 PM on June 17, 2004


62) George W. Bush shits ice cream with rainbow sprinkles.

145) Dick Cheney can fly!

296) Donald Rumsfeld really means it when he says Daddy will hate you if you tell him that Uncle Rummy touched your special place.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:54 PM on June 17, 2004


I used to think conservatives called other peoples views liberal if they disagreed with them, but its bluntly obvious that goes both ways.
posted by Keyser Soze at 10:56 PM on June 17, 2004


Guys, guys! I just had the most amazing dream! I was in a nation where everyone reasoned with each other and gave each other's ideas respect. They had their differences, sure, but they all knew that they could learn from each other and take good ideas from everyone and work things out. It was a land of sublime harmony and peace, and no one got up on each other, and people practiced their faiths (or lack thereof) and minded each other's business and came together to help out in crisis or to celebrate in bounty...

...and then I woke up and realized I was still in America, and that it's only June, and that there'll be six more months of this horseshit.

Also, in my dream, everyone did the ice cream thing that mr_crash talks about.
posted by RakDaddy at 11:01 PM on June 17, 2004


Shit, is that the best republicans can come up with? Smack down time...

1) You believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of funding.

Republicans believe if you ignore a problem it will go away. (see: terrorism, al quaeda)

2) You have to be against capital punishment but for abortion on demand - In short: you support protecting the guilty and killing the innocent.

Republicans somehow believe a medical procedure has something to do with capital punishment, also, that everyone who is executed is guilty.

3) You have to believe that the same overpaid public school idiot who can't teach 4th graders how to read is qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

Overpaid? Your arguments sink themselves by their sheer idiocy. See previous comment about ignoring a problem and hoping it will go away.

4) You have to believe that trial lawyers are selfless heroes and doctors are overpaid.

This is another false dichotomy, the logic of which was bashed to pieces in a thread just yesterday.

5) You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of the Koreans.

Two more unrelated items. Oh wait, who's taking troops out of South Korea? Oh right, George Bush is. 5 down. 15 to go.

6) You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the brilliance of the Sun, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.

Republicans must believe everything is due to fate, and to grab as much while you can and fuck the environment.

7) You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being gay is natural.

Two more unrelated items. Republicans must believe that if sexual orientation is a choice, and if they can only prove that, then it'll be a-OK to go back to repressing them They also still, by including a reference to gender roles, wish that women would just go back to being good housewives..

8) You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

Republicans have to believe that businesses won't act improperly because greed is good and only communists refuse to trust our industrialist elite.

9) You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature but pasty-faced activists who've never been outside Seattle do.

Two more unrelated items. I'm seeing a pattern here. Republicans have contempt for altruism. You can't possibly care about nature unless you're killing and bagging something to take home from it.

10) You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

Ask a republican about George Bush's wonderfully successful business career and they'll say you're being unfair and just a Bush-hater.

11) You have to believe there was no art before federal funding.

If you are a republican you must believe that $100 Billion for an unworkable missile sheild is money well spent, but promoting art is wasteful.

12) You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.

Shouldn't this be on the other list? I see plenty of currupt politicians starting wars these days.

13) You have to believe the free market that gives us 500+ channels can't deliver the programming quality PBS does.

Hey check it out, discovery channel has a "big manly trucks" marathon. Isn't science great?

14) You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it stands up for certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because they stand up for certain parts of the Constitution.

The NRA is bad not because of its aim, but because of its actions.

15) You have to believe that taxes are too low but ATM fees are too high.

Two more unrelated items. The lazy fuck that wrote this is wasting my time. "taxes" are also not a single thing. Payroll taxes being an example of a tax that adds an disproportionate burden on the middle class. Republicans deplore nuance and detail, and rather need to cling to simple axioms like "taxes baaad".

16) You have to believe that Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez and Gloria Steinman are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Alva Edison.

If you are a republican you believe that acknowledging previously ignored historical figures is somehow a disrespectful action towards already-celebrated historical figures.

17) You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.

Two more unrelated items. Also an attempt to control the framing through use of language (quotas). If you are a republican you have to believe that you, as a white male, are somehow in danger of losing your rightful place at the top of the social pyramid.

18) You have to believe that second-hand smoke is more dangerous than HIV.

Holy fuck with the unrelated items. Also, wasn't #1 on this list to do with diminishing the importance of HIV / AIDS? You republicans can't make up your minds can you?

19) You have to believe that conservatives are racists but black people couldn't make it without your help.

Ahh the old "liberals are the _real_ racists" big lie. Attempting to pound this into the public vocabulary is sad and pathetic. If you are a republican you have to believe that the second slavery was outlawed blacks were suddenly completely responsible for their situations.

20) You have to believe that the only reason democratic socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.

'Democratic socialism' is a good description for all of Western Europe, a good number of whom have better standards of living than the US does.

Can someone make a list that doesn't rely on twisted language and false connections? I could pretend to be a conservative and come up with a better list than this one for fuck's sake.
posted by Space Coyote at 11:02 PM on June 17, 2004


SC: 'Democratic socialism' is a good description for all of Western Europe, a good number of whom have better standards of living than the US does.

Shaddup! You'll hurt the stock market or something!
posted by skallas at 11:04 PM on June 17, 2004


Ooo! More!

Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace

Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.

How many democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
10 - one to change the bulb, 9 to make a documentary about it.


This is going to get deleted right? All this savouring can't be healthy.

On preview, space coyote, I can't believe you took that seriously enough to go through it point by point. It's clearly garbage, just like the republican list. Right?
posted by loquax at 11:06 PM on June 17, 2004


...and then I woke up and realized I was still in America, and that it's only June, and that there'll be six more months of this horseshit.

Mmmmmm, horseshit...
posted by mr_roboto at 11:07 PM on June 17, 2004


Six more months? I don't know what your experience has been, but this horseshit has not lightened up at all for the past 4 years of my life.
posted by scarabic at 11:14 PM on June 17, 2004


A lot of these "political" "jokes" are just lawyer jokes with (R) or (D) (or Bush or Clinton) subbed in. I'm very disappointed at the level of humourous political discourse in the US. What is this, Mad Libs? Make up your own jokes people!
posted by loquax at 11:21 PM on June 17, 2004


I recommend sex with at least one other person to take your mind off that!
posted by y2karl at 11:22 PM on June 17, 2004


Is political debate in the US really only Lib. v Rep?

Nothing more interesting?

What about a new label to stop this strange debate?

(but then I hate Tories, hypocritical bastards)
posted by lerrup at 11:22 PM on June 17, 2004


Oh, that was intended as a comment for yours, scarabic:

I don't know what your experience has been, but this horseshit has not lightened up at all for the past 4 years of my life.
posted by y2karl at 11:24 PM on June 17, 2004


If the thread is deleted, I hope the Kennedy gag lives somehow. That was awesome.
posted by dong_resin at 11:24 PM on June 17, 2004


I suppose I should've said that this horseshit was only going to get worse over the next six months. And then there will be a brief respite, a blissfull time of peace...and then there will be even more horseshit for the next four years.

I just hope it'll be funnier horseshit, but I doubt it.
posted by RakDaddy at 11:33 PM on June 17, 2004


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