Sigh...
November 4, 2004 4:39 PM   Subscribe

Update......Kerry won. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!
posted by EmoChild (17 comments total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Don't tell anyone indeed.



 
hoo boy....
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2004


This was linked and deleted by Matt earlier today with the comment "sore loser". But maybe he'd better let it surface, like a boil.
posted by orange swan at 4:42 PM on November 4, 2004


THIS THREAD IS A GONER
posted by quonsar at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2004


Isn't this try #3 for this article? Or is it #4?
posted by cmonkey at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2004


THIS THREAD IS A BONER
posted by quonsar at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2004


This seriously vibrates.
posted by esch at 4:43 PM on November 4, 2004


LOL
posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 4:44 PM on November 4, 2004


oH bRoTHeR.... This is just so old. The system, be that as it may, sees fit to have BUSH again. So be it. Democracy? mmm...
posted by BrodieShadeTree at 4:45 PM on November 4, 2004


Shhhh! Don't tell anyone!
posted by jimmy at 4:46 PM on November 4, 2004


I LIKE MONKEYS
I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead.
Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys
posted by cmonkey at 4:47 PM on November 4, 2004



posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 4:48 PM on November 4, 2004


Out of curiosity, what was the record for repeated threads? Was it the Nimbus Broom ad? Or is there something else that was mass-posted before my time?
posted by XQUZYPHYR at 4:48 PM on November 4, 2004


"We can t bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell em stories that don t go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you d say.

Now where were we? Oh yeah - the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn t have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...."
posted by keswick at 4:49 PM on November 4, 2004



posted by cmonkey at 4:50 PM on November 4, 2004



posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 4:52 PM on November 4, 2004




just like GOD intended it
posted by cmonkey at 4:52 PM on November 4, 2004



posted by Steve_at_Linnwood at 4:53 PM on November 4, 2004


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